A word we often hear at our program is "respect." It often comes up in the context of, "he didn't show me any respect." Or, "I'm a grown man, and he needs to respect me." This issue nearly always arises from a conflict between one of our managers and a client. I view it as the last refuge of those who don't have much to feel good about.

The term is often used when the aggrieved party is either newly paroled from prison, or has come to us after spending months or years living on the streets. In those environments, disrespecting someone can have serious consequences.

I often asked those who have an issue with respect about what it really means to them. And usually it comes out that this is something that is very important in the environment from which they came.

The conversation then might evolve into what the term respect really means. Clients become uncomfortable when I ask them how much they respect themselves.

"If someone had done to you the things they have done to yourself," I ask, "how much respect would you have for them?"

"Probably, not a lot," they respond. "In fact, I'd be really angry at them."
So I suggested they apply that same reasoning to their own lives.

After we leave the homeless life and the prison yards and walk through the doors of recovery our idea of respect should change. To figure out what respect really means we should look at those around us for whom we have respect. In early recovery it's easy to find someone to respect. Maybe the person we admire has attained some of the promises found in the 12 step programs. He or she may have serenity, business success, or good family relationships. It doesn't really matter what it is, the important thing is do they have something we want for our own lives?

To develop self-respect we must begin to do things that are worthwhile. At first these might be small, seemingly insignificant things like finding a job, or giving clean drug tests.

We must remember that for many of us it was usually a lot of small bad decisions over months or years that brought us down. A sequence of small good decisions can restore our self-esteem and return us to genuine self-respect.