Normally I don't accept collect calls from jails or prisons because I know it's never good news. But I broke my own rule last month because I was at one time a friend of the guy calling. And I also was friends with other members of his family. So, because I was curious about what was going with him and the family I accepted the call. Besides, these days calls - at least from the prison he was at in Maryland - were only about a penny a minute. Whereas, many years ago they were very costly.
But I was glad that I took the call. Not because he and I were that great of friends. But more because it reminded me of what I was like 30 years ago - a few years before I got into recovery.
As the conversation began he started down the path of explaining how he was innocent, that he was appealing his case because he was falsely convicted. He spent much of the conversation rationizing his behavior and trying to convince me of the injustices that had been done to him and his son - who had been sent to prison along with him for an assault and robbery they were accused of.
I mostly listened as he talked because I knew my view of the world and his view of the world were so different that I'd be unable to convince him that there could be a better to live. So I spent the four or five minutes on the phone listening to him explain the case and how his son had also been unjustly convicted.
But the good part is that I realized while listening how much my thinking had changed in the 28 plus years I've been sober. I no longer rationalize; when I do something stupid I accept the responsibilty.
And I wondered: did my younger self ever sound like this former associate?
After we hung up I realized just how far I'd come in growing up and accepting responsibility for everything that occurred in my life during my years of addiction and going to jail for my behavior.
It's often a long path for many of us addicts to change our lives. And once in a while, we have an opportunity to confront our former selves in the people we used to know, people who are still doing the same thing today that we were doing many years ago before we got clean and sober.
When it does happen it can be an awakening and a reminder of who we once were.
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