Recovery Connections

Insignifiant but Important

2012-01-29T04:02:00.000-08:00

“Whatever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it.“ Mahatma Ghandi.

When someone told me a while back how their recovery seemed unexciting and flat at times I recalled this saying. And I have to admit that it puzzled me when I first heard it years ago.

What did Ghandi mean and how does it apply to those of us in recovery today?

I guess this saying baffled me because I once lived a life fueled by adrenalin and anxiety. I lived on the edge of disaster and everything was very significant to me. Obtaining the large amount of money I needed to keep me in drugs and alcohol created drama and so-called excitement. One misstep could cost me my freedom or even my life.

When I first got sober all of that changed. Life suddenly became predictable and what some might view as boring. The universe moved at a slower pace and with less drama. It took emotional and mental adjustment to see the significance of my daily actions.

It might seem unimportant to go to a meeting after a tedious day at work- yet my recovery depends upon regular support and information from my brothers and sisters in recovery.

Practicing compassion when I’m frustrated or impatient may seem insignificant but acts of kindness may make me a better human being.

Taking out the trash or cleaning house may seem like small things, but it brings order to my life.

My 21 years of living sober didn’t happen at once – it came from living one day at a time and those seeming unremarkable days have brought me the wonderful life I enjoy today.

A Social Drinker?

2012-01-28T03:50:00.000-08:00

I had a chance encounter with a former client today who left TLC around eight years ago and resumed drinking shortly afterward. He said he’d been drinking a pint of whiskey a day almost since he’d left the program

"I start at 1:30 in the afternoon,” he said. "and I'm asleep by 6:30."

When I asked him how drinking was working for him, he said that other than some issues with his kidneys and a little arthritis he was doing great for a man in his early seventies. He seemed to have come to terms with his alcoholism and expressed no desire to change.

As I left him I had some reflections about how I wouldn't have survived nearly as long he has. I'm an alcoholic who was never able to stick with a pint a day. I'd soon be drinking a fifth a day and looking for other drugs to go with it. For me there was never enough.

At 21 years sober I'm grateful for my life today. And I pray I never get the idea I can do what this man is doing.

Addictions Affect Everyone

2012-01-27T03:40:00.000-08:00

This morning at the fitness center I talked to a grandfather who’s raising his grandchild because his 20-something daughter is still on the streets using meth.

She’s been addicted since her teens and in treatment programs and halfway houses multiple times.

He doesn’t understand why she can’t kick her habit and become responsible for her child.

His dilemma illustrates the chaos we addicts bring to our families and the rest of the world while we’re in our addictions.

“I never hurt anyone but myself.”

“I never stole anything from my family.”

“I only used drugs, I never sold them.”

“I never used in front of my kids.”

These statements are rationalizations, common cop-outs. When we harm ourselves we harm the world. When we’re not contributing to our families, when we’re half conscious, when we’re not taking care of our kids, our jobs, our other responsibilities - then we’re doing damage.

This grandfather says, that while his granddaughter is a great blessing in his life, he hopes that one day his daughter will quit using and return to raise the child.

Spirituality?

2012-01-26T03:37:00.000-08:00

A client who’s been sober the better part of a year talked to me about spirituality. He didn’t understand it and wondered if it had to do with religion. Could he identify it and apply to his life?

For me the problem with his questions is that the spiritual is so intangible that there’s no easy answer. The spiritual realm is subjective and personal and - I believe - different for each of us.

For example, a spiritual moment is when I encounter a former client I haven’t seen for a while who’s now enjoying a sober life. The person appears healthy and maybe introduces me to the family or tells of business or educational success. Knowing I was a part of his recovery I experience a sense of euphoria and joy I can only describe as spiritual.

Spiritual moments come upon me when I reflect that I came from prison and the streets to where I am today.

Spiritual is when I reflect upon the power of a God who’s given my family back and brought me a loving wife.

A spiritual moment is when I’m grateful for my recovery and success and recognize that it comes from a force greater than me.

A spiritual place in my life is when I’m enjoying serenity and peace – for no special reason.

Spirituality, I think, is different for each of us. But it’s a state we can learn to recognize and enjoy with practice.

We get Emails...

2012-01-25T03:41:00.000-08:00

A former client with 17 years of sobriety sent an email this week describing his success after leaving the program. In part he said:

"You probably wouldn’t remember me but I am a TLC graduate and celebrating 17 years clean/sober on March 6, 2012. I was just looking over the TLC website and your blog. It has been a while since I have been on it or visited TLC. I was going to comment on one of your blog posts but decided to email you instead. I am grateful for TLC and the gift you all gave me.

"Anyway, the reason I am writing is to say ‘THANK YOU”!!!! There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded and grateful for my 18 months there. I currently work at a homeless shelter as a shelter manager and I am reminded daily of the life I left. If it wasn’t for TLC I don’t know what I would have done. Since I graduated, I have gotten married to a wonderful wife and we have 5 children now. I went onto college (my dream) and finished a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree in Christian Studies. I am currently finishing a second master’s degree so I can become a certified chaplain.

"I do not mention these things to brag or boast but to share with you that because of the gift you provided I was able to achieve my dreams…I am SOOO very grateful for all you have done. Feel free to contact me anytime. My information is listed below. Thanks again and God bless you and TLC.

TLC Alumni 1997"

Emails like this make it all worthwhile.

Keeping it Simple

2012-01-24T03:56:00.000-08:00

A client with nine months of sobriety said it was sort of a revelation when the speaker at a 12-step meeting said complacency is the enemy of sobriety.

The speaker outlined key ingredients that help alcoholics stay sober. Among them were having a sponsor, regularly attending meetings, reading the Big Book, and doing service work.

I agree with this. After 21 years in the program I’ve made several friends with those who have years of sobriety and that’s what they all have in common: they’re actively involved in whatever 12-step program they attend.

Sometimes it seems like newcomers expect a more complicated explanation from those of us who have multiple years sober. But I tell them there is no secret handshake, no hidden code. What keeps me sober today is what kept me sober in the first year.

I’ve attended the same Big Book study for over 20 years, plus at least one other meeting during the week. And I have several sponsees. And it’s a rare week when I don’t do some kind of service work.

The founders were divinely inspired when they put together this simple 12-step program that helps such a diverse population of alcoholics and addicts.

It’s worked for me for many years.

Surrounded by Love

2012-01-23T04:10:00.000-08:00

I'm always touched when I see people showing love and kindness. And I witnessed this a few days ago while I was in a hospital ward waiting for a minor medical procedure to begin.

Behind the drawn curtain at the next bed an older woman's family members were comforting her prior to a lung biopsy she was about to undergo.

While the nurse explained what the woman should expect during the procedure, she also kept mentioning that children and other family members were close by for support.

As she spoke the family members would say things like "Mom, we’re here with you." or "You'll be alright." When the patient responded I could hear the gratitude in her voice.

The whole scene reminded me of the importance of love and kindness when we're going through difficult times.

It’s the same support we see in 12-step meetings as we support one another when we face challenges in our recovery.

Spice? Bath Salts?

2012-01-22T04:12:00.000-08:00

During a meeting at the Mac House last week a half dozen clients were asking why they weren’t allowed to use “Spice” and “Bath Salts” while at TLC. After all, they could buy them legally - so why couldn’t they use them?

The managers pointed out that alcohol and prescription painkillers are also legal. But clients can’t use them either.

During a post meeting follow-up several of our managers were amazed that anyone would think it acceptable to use mind altering or intoxicating substances while living in a recovery program.

When clients come in they sign an agreement that says they’re willing to go to any lengths to change. But sometimes - once the painful memories of what happened while they were using subsides - they forget that agreement. Their addictions take them back to the state of mind they were in before they arrived.

So what to do when a group of clients think they can still use? Do we discharge them as an example to other clients? Do we counsel them about why they’re in a recovery program? Or do we take a wait and see approach?

It’s never an easy decision when we’re confronted with clients who have this attitude.

Gift from God

2012-01-21T03:57:00.000-08:00

God gave me a lesson in gratitude while I was waiting outside a convenience store for a friend who was inside paying for gas.

While there, I overheard a heroin addict on a a pay phone making a drug deal. His clothes were dirty and he kept looking around nervously as if he was doing something wrong and about to be caught.

I heard the stress in his voice as he implored the dealer to hurry up with the delivery and it transported me back to over 21 years.

For at one time that was me. In those years I lived in the insane cycle of being either sick or high and never being able to get enough drugs to keep balance in my life. And then there was the constant fear of being either caught with drugs or arrested while stealing something to trade for drugs.

Before I left handed him my card in case he someday wants help. As my friend and I drove away I was awash in gratitude. And grateful to God for delivering me from my addictions...

One Day at a Time

2012-01-20T04:16:00.000-08:00

One day at a time is a wonderful concept for those of us in recovery. Because most of us are into instant gratification the idea of one day at a time helps when things get tough.

When I think about drinking or putting a needle in my arm it can be almost overwhelming. But I'm pretty sure – if the challenges get too tough – I can make it till midnight.

"One day at a time" is a simple mantra, but I believe it has saved many of us from the disaster of crashing one more time.

I'm not sure where this concept came from. Probably way back in the murky history of the 12 step programs someone's sponsor said something like "well do you think you can just not drink for the rest of the day?" And maybe there a tradition was born.

I've found the idea of one day at a time useful in situations other than recovery. There have been times in our business life at TLC when we weren't sure we'd be able to keep the doors open. Yet we would show up the next day and the solution would present itself.

20th Anniversary Coming March 15

2012-01-19T03:36:00.000-08:00

TLC celebrates its 20th anniversary March 15 of this year. That's the day we took in our first client.

The real anniversary of TLC's birth, at least legally, is January 9, 1992. That's the day the nonprofit was recognized by the State of Arizona..

Were not sure how we'll celebrate this anniversary. At the five, 10, and 15 year anniversaries we had a celebration in a park. We had speakers and passed out plaques. This year's celebration is still in the planning stages. Quite likely it will look pretty much like the other celebrations we've had. After all, there's only so much you can do on an anniversary.

In reflecting upon this event it's almost amazing that this organization has survived 20 years. The whole operation has been run by recovering addicts and alcoholics. There has been zero government funding or assistance. In fact, in Nevada and in Arizona various government entities endeavored to close the program on more than one occasion.

And one result is that in Nevada we have no program. The only thing were allowed to do there is run sober housing units. For some reason the idea that alcoholics and addicts can help each other get sober is alien to them. Their belief is that the program needs doctors, psychologists, and professionals to really do it right.

The real thing we're celebrating on this anniversary is that we've helped thousands of men and women change their lives. And we've done it at no cost to the public. Our belief is that someday organizations like ours will be recognized for the service they do to the community in helping people get sober and change their lives.

But even if we're not recognized there are thousands of men and women in the community who are living better lives because of TLC. That's all that really matters...

Constant Vigilance

2012-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

A client who'd been sober for a year relapsed about three weeks ago, but kept it a secret. There was obviously something going on with him but none of us could figure it out. And he wasn't saying anything about what was going on with him. But in groups and around the program he seemed different. He appeared to be under stress.

However, in group today he came clean. He admitted he'd been smoking marijuana and using spice for about three weeks. Once he admitted he'd been using he was given the opportunity to start the program over or leave to finish what he started. He wants to stay, but only time will tell.

This illustrates how alcoholics and addicts in new recovery must maintain constant vigilance. While this man didn't talk of his relapse, it says in the literature that if we're spiritually unfit we might have no defense against the next drink or drug.

In my early recovery these relapses used to bother me. I took it personal. I wondered if recovery really worked. When I saw how some people who seemed to be working a program could so easily relapse I'd become frightened. I wondered if it could happen to me.

And the answer is yes. If I don't work my program on a regular basis I am in danger.

Recovery Lessons

2012-01-17T03:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while leaving a 12 step meeting I encountered a former client who was hanging out on the street with one of his former drinking buddies.

When he shook hands and spoke with me it seemed as if he were trying to convince me all was well in his life. He wore an air of false bravado that belied his appearance. Normally neat and clean, he was unshaven and appeared to be under stress.

The client, who left our program on bad terms, has recently been seen in different parts of town leaving convenience stores with what looks like bottles of alcohol. So what's the point of mentioning an alcoholic who’s on another binge?

Probably the only real value is that this illustrates that until we get sober nothing else really works.

While this former client is no longer welcome in our program because we have been unable to help him, his story is a good example. Alcohol has nearly killed him on more than one occasion. He has tried repeatedly to get sober without success. He's an intelligent man – yet his seeming lack of humility keeps him from grasping the simple instructions of the 12 steps.

Until alcohol finally took over his life, he had a great career with a major corporation. Today his life is an endless cycle of relapses and drinking binges that have nearly killed him.

Seeing him reminded me once again to be grateful for my sobriety.

Awareness Helps

2012-01-16T03:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes clients sabotage their recovery without even being aware of it.

This came up this week when a client, who was supposed to be transferred to another facility where he would have more freedom, suddenly started behaving out of character.

For example, the client, who is generally considered to be honest, began lying. Instead of being at work, as he was supposed to be, he was staying in his room. And when his employer showed up to find out what happened to him, he declined to speak to him. Ultimately, he lost his job.

Later when confronted about his behavior he didn't have an explanation. It was suggested he seek counseling in the community and that he stay where he is until his sobriety is on a firmer footing.

This situation illustrates what happens to us addicts and alcoholics when we become unaware of how we feel or of what's going on with us. When we have feelings or emotions we can’t explain we probably need to talk to our sponsor. Or perhaps bring the issue up at a 12 step meeting.

This is important because our disease is so cunning that it can sneak up on us with little or no warning.

The 12-Step Advantage

2012-01-15T04:08:00.000-08:00

At lunch the other day a sober friend told me about a relative who's still angry at him after all these years.

He said that even though he's made amends for things he did to him while he was drinking; the relative is still angry. Although he says he's forgiven him, sooner or later he says something hurtful.

My advice was to return the anger with kindness and love. Tell him he's sorry for what he's done in the past. Ask what he can do to make things right. Never respond with anger or recriminations. Let the relative heal.

I explained to my friend that those of us in the 12 step program sometimes have an advantage over those who aren't in recovery. And this advantage – even though we paid a heavy price to become members of a 12 step program – is that we have guidelines to help us deal with emotional issues.

We learn how to make amends. We learn how to forgive. We learn how to right the wrongs we've committed.

I told my friend to be patient. Then I shared with him my experience with family and friends. It took years for some to realize that I was going to stay sober and clean. After a while they stopped being angry and judgmental.

They began to support me in my recovery.

Life Gets Better

2012-01-14T03:50:00.000-08:00

14 years ago my sponsor told me, "you probably think that this is as good as it gets. But you'll see that life gets better."

At the time it was difficult to understand what he was talking about. I couldn't imagine that life would be much better.I'd been sober seven years. I had a great business and a great job. I've gone from being homeless and addicted to drugs and alcohol to having a great life. My children and grandchildren were back in my life. My parents were proud of me for the first time in years. My business was thriving and I had financial stability. I had a great circle of friends and employees around me. My health was good. I had respect in the community.

But today, at 21 years of sobriety, I understand what he is talking about. He was talking about how sobriety affects us on an intangible level. He was talking about levels of acceptance and spirituality that we don't experience during the heady rush of those first years of sobriety. We start realizing where we fit into the scheme of things. Life becomes less about ego and me, me, me.

Today it's more about other people and how I can contribute to the world.

God is doing for me...

2012-01-13T04:37:00.000-08:00

January 14, 1991, I was sitting in a detoxification facility in Mesa Arizona. I was homeless. I had seventy three cents in my pocket. I had no job and was addicted to heroin and alcohol – and anything else I could get my hands on.

So tomorrow I’ll be celebrating 21 years of sobriety. More than a quarter of my life I've lived sober and free of much of the insanity that consumed the first 51 years of my life.

Because I was in denial about my addictions I spent some 16 years in prisons and jails – including a stint in a mental institution. Over the years I lost businesses, was married and divorced twice. I lived a very unrewarding up-and-down existence.

The idea that I would one day be sober and successful wasn’t a dream for me. At one time my best case scenario is that I would die in my 40s, a victim of my disease like so many of my contemporaries. Instead, God intervened in my life and led me to sobriety.

After 11 days in that detoxification unit I was accepted at a halfway house in Mesa, Arizona. After a year in that program I was able to start my own recovery business. This has been a wonderful 21 years. I'm blessed with hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I have my family back in my life. Last month I married a wonderful woman with whom I'd been friends for seven years.

Tomorrow I have an opportunity to tell my story at a 12 step meeting that will be made up mostly of newcomers. And I hope my story will help them someday enjoy what I’ve enjoyed for the past 21 years.

Making Amends

2012-01-12T04:01:00.000-08:00

A long term client - a chronic relapser - made an appointment with me this week, saying he wanted to make amends.

I wasn't sure what he'd done that would require an amends, but agreed to see him anyway. After all, making amends is an integral part of the 12-step process and we do what we can to help clients achieve sobriety.

When he showed up he apologized for anything he might have done that would have hurt TLC or me personally.

When he finished I told him I wasn't aware of anything he'd done that would require an amends.

As our discussion went on the client began to realize that the real harm he'd done each time he'd relapsed was to himself. He sat across from me with four months' sobriety after trying to get sober for over 15 years.

Before he left my office I said the best thing he could do is to start living by 12 step principles. If we incorporate them into our lives we won’t have to keep making amends.

Self-Assertiveness vs. Aggression

2012-01-11T04:21:00.000-08:00

After an aftercare client with a history of anger and violence walked away from a confrontation he felt good about himself.

"Instead of defending myself and punching the guy for insulting me, I simply walked away," he said.

Someone in the group pointed out that it's not self-defense when you punch someone for what they say – no matter what it is.

Because of the topic of the group was assertiveness, the point was well-taken.

As addicts our low self-esteem and lack of confidence sometime leads us to instant anger when confronted. Because our fragile egos are easily wounded we feel justified in attacking the other person – sometimes physically.

To avoid these situations we firmly, yet calmly, let the other person know how we feel. We do this without name-calling or threats. This allows the both parties to maintain their dignity and self-respect.

If I let you know how I feel without attacking you in any way we have a basis for a better communication.

The Consequences

2012-01-10T04:17:00.000-08:00

A management group called Sunday to deal with prohibited relationships between staff members worked out well. And probably one of the reasons it worked out well was that management set a tone before the meeting started.

The purpose of the group, said one of the managers, was not to punish or discharge those involved. The purpose was to have them accept responsibility.

Each voluntarily admitted their roles. Each accepted responsibility. The only thing left was to give consequences.

With one exception, the consequences were pretty much equal. They were asked to write a paper to be read at the next monthly management meeting. They also had to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. In addition, two were asked to apologize to the house during one of the weekly meetings.

The exception was that one woman lost her position as house manager. The group felt her involvement was more extensive than the others.

At the last minute, one manager suggested the woman be allowed to keep her job. He pointed out that the position meant a great deal to her and was an important part of her recovery.

However, he was overruled after another manager pointed out that he'd lost things over and over because of his bad behavior. He said the only thing that helped him change was by paying the consequences for his bad decisions.

Relationships Again

2012-01-09T04:04:00.000-08:00

We recently learned of four or five staff members – some who’ve been with us a while - who are involved in relationships they were lying about. So today, a Sunday, we're having a management group to deal with this issue.

The goal of the group isn't to punish. The goal is to discuss the emotional risks of relationships – particularly relationships we have to lie about- as well as the damage lying does to our recovery

There are some more rigid members of our management team who've suggested discharging those involved. Sometimes we have this "gotcha" mentality, an attitude that stems from an ego need to be right - to be in charge.

But our goal isn’t necessarily to be right. This doesn't always serve us well. Our goal – our mission - at TLC is to help recovering addicts rebuild their lives.

Sometimes being compassionate – rather than punitive – can help those who are limping along the path of recovery. When we can help others avoid decisions that threaten their recovery we’re fulfilling our mission.

If we can help each other change and improve our lives – this is what it's all about.

Powerless Again

2012-01-08T04:17:00.000-08:00

Powerlessness is a tough concept for us addicts. I usually find out how powerless I am when I have expectations of those in our program.

Someone will be moving along for a while in what I consider to be a good direction. He or she might be working a strong program. They have a sponsor. They help others. They have a job. They’re saving money. Then, out of the blue- to my dismay- they'll get into a relationship that might jeopardize their sobriety.

Forgetting how powerless we are over everyone and everything I ask myself "what were they thinking?" To me it’s so obvious that they're putting themselves in jeopardy. But blissfully they move along, seemingly unaware of the pitfalls.

Only in retrospect - after they go ahead with the relationship in spite of advice from others - do I recognize once again how powerless we are.

Sometimes we addicts only learn from our mistakes. And while I'd like to help others avoid ones I made, I know my best lessons were learned from painful experience.

The Lies We Tell

2012-01-07T04:07:00.000-08:00

A little lie might not seem like a big deal to the so-called normal person. After all, we all tell a little fib now and then. Don’t we?

Sometimes it’s something harmless, maybe a lie of omission. Like not telling a friend that what they’re wearing looks ridiculous. Or telling our children they did well when we know they could have made a better effort.

But when addicts lie, the outcome is usually bad. For example, we’ve had employees in our corporate office who’ll get into prohibited relationships. When confronted, they’ll deny they’re involved with anyone. And the next thing we know those involved have left the program for another run of drinking and drugging. Neither was ready to deal with the heady emotions of a relationship. And lying about it increased the pressure.

The real danger is probably not the lies we addicts tell others – though those are bad enough. The real danger is the lies we tell ourselves.

Once we start telling a few lies it’s an easy step to the big lie: “I can handle one drink.” Or “One line can’t hurt me.” And once again our disease comes back to destroy us.

In the 12-step literature we read the phrase “cunning, baffling and powerful,” an expression of the danger we face. Are our lies the catalyst that brings these words to life - unleashing our disease once again?

Exercise Benefits

2012-01-06T03:50:00.000-08:00

The receptionist at the fitness center at 4:30 this morning wasn’t happy.

“In an hour or so I have to check in all these new people who made New Year’s resolutions about working out. The good part of it,” he said, “is that most of them’ll quit after a couple months. Then things’ll get back to normal.”

Because he’s a twenty-something working a night job so he can attend college I understand his perspective, though I didn’t agree with it.

But his comment made me think about those who start an exercise program then give up after a short time. Why do they lose their motivation? What do they expect to happen after they make the commitment and start a routine?

An exercise program – in my opinion – won’t work miracles. While we may make progress, sometimes it’s painfully slow drudgery.

Yet there are benefits beyond the exercise. We develop self-discipline. Our self-esteem grows. We begin to project a more positive attitude.

Some days I don’t feel like dragging my 72 year old frame to a fitness center. But when I leave I'm invigorated and ready to face the day.

The same discipline that helps me follow this daily routine also helps me stay sober a day at a time.

Not always fun, but always rewarding.

Carrying the Message

2012-01-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

TLC Is a unique organization in that it is managed by clients who volunteer to help newcomers gain sobriety.

Clients who volunteer start out working in night security, maintenance, kitchen or other responsibilities. For their efforts they receive store credits, pocket money, and most important, the benefits of sobriety as they help newcomers through recovery issues.

Most of our corporate staff worked their way up through this system. One has been with us for 20 years. And several have been with us 10 to 15 years. And for all those years they’ve been enjoying lives free of drugs and alcohol.

Other volunteers work in our maintenance and business sections, operating the Inconvenience Stores, the Alhambra Hotel, or in construction or maintenance. These jobs let them work in a sober environment and carry the message to co-workers.

This project has operated without taxpayer support for the past twenty years while providing service to more than 300,000 clients in Arizona, Nevada, and New Mexico.

Awash in Gratitude

2012-01-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

An employee – who’s also become a friend - visited my office the first of the year to express gratitude for the life he enjoys today.

He'd been to Phoenix Children’s Hospital at year's end to visit a granddaughter who has a chronic medical condition that requires ongoing surgeries if she's to survive.

"That visit to the hospital and seeing all those kids with serious medical problems made me realize once again how blessed I am," he told me.

This employee, a former client who's worked for TLC for several years, has always expressed gratitude for his sobriety and his employment with TLC. Until he finally got clean several years ago his meth addiction led him to prison and separated him from his family.

Today he has a responsible job with us and is a key person we can count on when we need help. He never says no.

As he left the office I felt my own gratitude for being a small part of this man’s new life.

Recovery Romances

2012-01-03T03:51:00.000-08:00

This weekend we discharged two female clients who were in a romantic relationship. They were discharged because TLC has a rule prohibiting clients from getting involved in new relationships for 90 days – on or off of the premises.

While some consider this rule harsh, our experience has been that when clients become romantically involved they forget why they came to TLC. They become lost in a rush of hormones and dreamy feelings and forget they were recently in jail or on the streets because of their addictions.

Next they move to a cheap motel to begin a wonderful new life – a plan that generally unravels as soon as they run out of money, drugs, and alcohol.

We usually will get a call from one of them who – chastised by the experience – wants another chance in the program. And, if they seem properly motivated we’ll accept them back to try again.

It’s difficult to fight human nature - but experience has taught us that our clients have a better chance at long term recovery if they avoid situations that threaten their sobriety.

Bless the Dentists

2012-01-02T04:14:00.000-08:00

“Meth Mouth” is an ongoing problem for our clients. Many suffer from decayed or missing teeth because they used methamphetamines, a drug that devastates all parts of the body.

TLC is blessed with a network of more than 50 dentists and dental groups that provide free services to our clients. They do everything from extractions to bridges to full dentures. They don’t offer cosmetic or vanity services.

Dental service is always available to clients in pain. Otherwise, a client may receive more extensive treatment if they’ve been in the program for 60 to 90 days. TLC’s policy is to arrange treatment only for those clients who are seriously working on their recovery.

We're grateful to the dental providers who generously give their time and services to those who need care. They prove we live in a society with a large heart.

We are also grateful to the donation coordinator who works very hard to find providers and schedule services. For anonymities’ sake – and to avoid inflating his ego – we don’t use his name.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T03:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, Happy New Year! May each of you prosper and achieve your aspirations.

Some of us are making resolutions as we greet the New Year. We’re going to quit something. Like smoking. Or overeating. Or working too much.

Or maybe we’ll start something. A business. Going to school. Exercising. Perhaps we’re going to attend more 12-step meetings. Or sponsor more people.

At some level we might be planning a change. And it’ll be a positive change – one that’ll enhance our lives.

But I think we should approach change with caution if we want success. Because a sudden jolt of change might not work for us.

Instead of going to the gym and doing a heavy workout that makes us sore, perhaps we should ease into a new routine gently. Maybe start walking around the block. Or doing light calisthenics until we begin to feel the benefits of moving again.

Rather than sign up for a full load of courses, maybe we should try one or two to see how that works.

Instead of quitting cigarettes cold turkey we could start with the patch or take a behavior modification class.

Once I make small changes in my life and experience a little success, then I have something to build on.

Good luck to those of you who want to try something different. And remember, that whatever you try, perseverance will make the difference.

Benefts of Sobriety

2011-12-31T04:03:00.000-08:00

A client with several months' sobriety was ecstatic at how her family treated her this Christmas.

"Last year," she said, "I received a call from a family member asking me to promise I wouldn't go to the house for Christmas. And I didn't."

Smiling, she described how this Christmas family members prepared food and drove across the valley to spend the day with her.

“They spent much of their day cooking and driving to make sure I had a nice Christmas. I’m so grateful.”

She attributes the improved relationship with her family to her new-found sobriety. After a long history of drug use and jail terms she's finally on a path to a new life.

Her story is another illustration of how life can improve once we remove the drugs and alcohol from our lives.

Gratitude for 2011

2011-12-30T04:05:00.000-08:00

In the final days of 2011, I'm filled with gratitude.

I'm grateful for another year of sobriety. For a year of relatively good health, being able to function as well as I do. For a new marriage to a woman who brings joy to my life.

Further, because I work at TLC with some 600 clients I have many other reasons to be grateful.

We have clients succeeding in the face of emotional and physical challenges that one time drove them to alcohol and drugs.

We have a team of some sixty employees who find fulfillment - not in money or benefits - but in working in an environment where they help others while staying clean and sober themselves.

I'm thankful our non-profit is still afloat in an economy that's been challenging for even well-funded businesses.

I could go on and on to the point of being boring, but the real message is that if we look at 2011 with eyes of gratitude we end up with a long list.

We ceased fight anyone or anything...

2011-12-29T04:15:00.000-08:00

A former client with a history of settling arguments with his fists told me he nearly had a fight with two men at a convenience store.

      "One of them was staring at my wife so long that I finally got in his face. He backed down. But I was ready to knock him out."

Because he’d recently got back to recovery, he wondered what else he could have done in the situation.

      "Why didn't you just walk away?" I asked.

      "But they were being disrespectful."

      "It would have been better to ignore him and just leave the store," I told him. “His disrespect doesn’t have much to do with you. It’s not worth reacting over.”

Then I suggested he pay attention to the part of the recovery literature that says we "ceased fighting anyone or anything."

If we're to have serenity we need to avoid situations that might interfere with it. There will always be rude people, angry people, disrespectful people, aggressive drivers.

What will we achieve if we give them our peace?

We admitted we were powerless...

2011-12-28T03:43:00.000-08:00

The client sat at the other side of my desk, telling me how great his life is today. He was the picture of health, looking every bit like an up and coming executive on the path to success.

He said he loved his job and was spending time helping newcomers to TLC find their way around the program.

He spoke of his sponsor, a man who's legendary in the local recovery community for being a no-nonsense adherent of working the steps and attending meetings. At the moment the sponsor had him doing a "thorough" 4th step - uncovering things about himself he hadn't considered before.

When he left my office I had genuine hope that this client was making progress. Then the next morning I heard that he'd disappeared during the night.

So, what happened? At one time when clients who seemed to be doing well suddenly relapsed I would go through an agonizing appraisal about whether there was hope for any of us in recovery.

Today I recognize that sometimes relapse is sometimes part of the recovery process. It was for me.

Living a Bigger Life

2011-12-27T04:01:00.000-08:00

"There is no passion to be found playing small, in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

Nelson Mandela
11th President of South Africa

I read this saying this morning and it spoke clearly to me. Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years as a convict under the harshest conditions, is fulfilling his destiny as a leader of South Africa.

As someone in recovery it’s important for me – in my own way - to do my best in life. And of course, my first challenge is stay clean and sober.

But beyond that, I'm enjoying a rewarding life by giving back to society. After all, for the first 50 years of my life I was a taker. I self-centeredly pursued my heroin addiction and alcoholism with little regard for anyone – including myself.

Today, working in the recovery field, I share my experience with newcomers in the hope they won’t spend years walking prison yards before they get the message. I’m blessed that God has given me the self-discipline - and put a wonderful team of people in my life- to achieve this mission of helping others.

As the New Year approaches I encourage those of you in recovery to step out of your comfort zone. Put away the video games. Turn off the TV. Sign up for school. Volunteer somewhere. Look for a better job. Start exercising. Quit smoking. Now that you’ve given up drugs and alcohol find a new challenge!

Remember, our life is not a dress-rehearsal. We’re center stage right now. Let's not play small...

Word Power

2011-12-26T04:39:00.000-08:00

A client left suddenly on Christmas Eve, saying he was leaving because of something I'd written about him in this blog. Oh, don't I wish I had that kind of power! If I did, everyone would get clean and sober here.

Something I never do here is identify anyone by name, for purposes of confidentiality. The only exception has been, on one occasion, when a client passed away because of his disease. In that instance, I used his first name.

I do talk about incidents and situations involving our clients – but only for the purposes of helping someone get clean and sober. Most of the time I'll change the gender of the person, the time frame, or the location, so clients won't think it’s about them. And often I'll use examples from my own life in an effort to make a point.

The other part of this is – assuming the blog was about this client – there's a more appropriate way to deal with a perceived wrong than running away. For example, the client could have confronted me one-on-one, or in a group setting, to resolve his issue. Had he convinced me he was harmed, I'd have made amends.

In this client's case, I think he was looking for an excuse to drink. And the excuse he gave – that something bad was written about him here – is as good as any. I remember that when I wanted to drink or do drugs any old excuse would work. I’d drink if it was too hot. Or too cold. If it was overcast. Or if the sky was clear. Or maybe someone looked at me wrong.

I drank so much that I finally didn’t need an excuse.

Christmas Wishes

2011-12-25T04:05:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas! And thanks to all of you who read this blog.

I wish you success with your recovery. And for those of you who are not in recovery - but have a friend or relative in recovery - may your loved ones have success in rebuilding their lives.

Writing this blog each day is sometimes a challenge. But like many things I attempt it can be rewarding. Sometimes, first thing in the morning, I don't feel like writing.

But then I start dictating and often there's something on the screen I hadn't planned. Sometimes I develop it, sometimes I delete it. The only theme I have – whatever the subject – is to write through the lens of recovery. Because recovery is the primary focus of my life and I suspect – the focus of those who read this – I've been able to stay on track most of the time.

On this holiday I’m grateful for my blessings. The promises of the 12-steps have been showered upon me.

As much as I’m able I want to share this with you.

Remembering Mom

2011-12-24T03:57:00.000-08:00

I was in shock when the nurse called from the hospital Christmas Eve of 1994 to tell me my mother had passed away a few moments earlier. Even though she'd been in the hospital for 54 days, she was supposed to be discharged the next day in time for a Christmas celebration.

At her death I'd been in recovery nearly four years and she was proud of my progress. She'd stood by me from the time I was a teenager, not understanding my battle with addiction. She supported me with letters, periodic visits, and the few dollars she could afford during my 15 years of prison and jail. When I finally decided to leave California after another arrest she bought me the bus ticket for Phoenix.

A point of pride for me was that I was able to make financial amends to her before she died. But I could never make amends for the disappointments she suffered while I was using.

The longer I'm sober the more I realize the damage we do to others in our addictions. While we can make financial amends there are many things we can never repair.

While I was a teenager my mother sacrificed to send me to a private high school. However, I was so wrapped up drinking and drugging that I was expelled after a year and a half when detectives came to the principal’s office to arrest me. She had hoped I would go on to college. But my disease got in the way. Between the ages of 16 and 26 I was only out of custody some 17 months. While she loved me, I sensed her disappointment.

This experience with my mother has made me a better counselor. When clients tell me they never hurt anyone but themselves while using I'm sometimes able to change their perspective.

Our addictions always impact others.

More Wreckage

2011-12-23T04:05:00.000-08:00

Last night when I came home from the office a summons server showed up in my driveway with a stack of legal papers. It was a court order to garnish the wages of a former employee who'd relapsed a few years ago. This is an example of how we can mess up our lives with a brief relapse.

When he relapsed, this employee worked in our corporate office and had a few years of clean time. He'd rebuilt his credit and was purchasing a nice automobile. He also had a decent apartment, a wardrobe, and a few electronics. While I don't know the intricate details, the story is that he met a woman with whom he smoked crack for a few days. When he didn't show up for work we were alarmed. He'd always been punctual and would call in if he was running late.

When he finally called, it was from the emergency room of a local hospital. He'd checked himself in after smoking crack for a few days. And apparently he'd lost everything, including his car. And now, nearly three years later, he's still paying the price.

It'll likely take him a few years to make amends to the bank that financed the car – and to rebuild his credit.

As I read through the legal paperwork I was happy I’ve been sober all these years.

Quitting an Addiction

2011-12-22T03:52:00.000-08:00

When I quit smoking at 9:00 a.m. August 25, 1984, it was the most difficult thing I'd ever done. I had tried over and over through the years to rid myself of this deadly habit. I finally did it by slowly reducing the amount and potency of the cigarettes I smoked. On the day I quit I used Nicorette gum to ease the physical craving. After chewing nine pieces I was done. I've never smoked again. Almost 28 years.

This came up for me today because someone near to me is making another run at quitting. She’s tried different methods. Cold turkey. Cutting down. Electronic cigarettes. Shots to reduce the craving. Limiting the number of cigarettes she smokes. Nothing worked.

Then yesterday she said something that made sense. She said, "I've got to face the fact that I can't quit without experiencing some pain." She’d been trying to quit without pain. At that point I gained hope that she’ll be able to quit. Because the reality is that there's going to be pain or discomfort when we give up an addiction.

There are a lot of ways to find motivation. It might be in a desire for better health, more energy, less stress, saving money or protecting those around us from second hand smoke. For me it was knowing I was going down the same path as many of my family members.

Watching them suffer and die from emphysema helped me quit. I lost a 43-year-old cousin to smoking. She spent her last months gasping on an oxygen tank. The same thing happened to an aunt who died at 56. An uncle’s emphysema was so bad he couldn't walk from the front door to his mailbox without pausing to get his breath. My mother and one of my aunts both died prematurely from emphysema. Same for my brother. I could go on and on with the list of close relatives who suffered and died from smoking. So I was motivated by those near and dear to me.

Quitting smoking is one of the hardest addictions to quit – perhaps harder than quitting heroin. But a healthier life is the great reward.

Halfway? Or all the Way?

2011-12-21T04:00:00.000-08:00

When I went to detox January 14, 1991 I had a plan. Once I got sober I’d go to a halfway house and spend 30 days there. I’d get a job, a car, a cheerleader for a girlfriend, and then back on the fast track with my life.

But somehow, life intervened. After 30 days at the halfway house I realized I didn't know much about living sober. While I had a job and was paying my way, I had no money saved. I didn't have a car - or even a bicycle. My wardrobe was Salvation Army. So I made a commitment to stay for 90 days. By then I'd surely have it all together. Wrong again.

When I had 90 days, I discovered I needed a sponsor. And I was still struggling with the fourth step. I'd bought a bicycle and had a fairly decent job. But I didn't have enough money to get my own apartment or put a down payment on a car. So at 90 days I still wasn't ready to leave – and I made a commitment to stay for six months.

However that decision created a problem with my then girlfriend, who had several years of sobriety. She thought I'd been in the halfway house long enough and wanted me to live with her. She wasn't happy when I told her my sponsor didn't think it was the best idea – that I needed to stay and work on my recovery. And that's what I did.

At six months I wasn't ready either. So I decided to stay a year. I did this after taking an honest look at my life and realizing a year was a small investment. After all, I'd spent 51 years screwing my life up. What was an investment of 12 months if it helped me get my life back on track?

I don't believe we can pursue alcohol or drugs for years, then repair the damage in weeks or months. Even today I'm recovering from my disease - both physically and psychologically. I did a lot of damage in 40 years of using.

But the year I stayed in a halfway house is the best investment I ever made. Today I have a beautiful wife, a great job working in recovery, and all the promises we read about in the 12-step literature.

1st Step

2011-12-20T03:46:00.000-08:00

The speaker chose the 1^st Step, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable,” as the topic at today’s Christmas 12-step meeting. It was fitting because 95% of those at the meeting were newcomers in their first months of sobriety.

One man spoke of his powerlessness over alcohol as he described his drinking adventures. He’d lost everything more than once. He's been to jail, placed in mental institutions, and divorced twice. He said it was clear he was powerless over alcohol, based on his experiences. Others shared similar stories. While their experiences were different, the outcomes were always the same: they lost everything over and over.

A man with over 10 years of sobriety said that, in his opinion, the first step is the only one we have to do perfectly. Because if we realize we're powerless over alcohol then maybe we won't be tempted to pick up a drink again.

We'll understand the consequences of that first step into insanity.

Love andTolerance

2011-12-19T04:12:00.000-08:00

The recovery literature says love and tolerance is our code. It's simple and clear-cut. But practicing it in everyday life isn't always easy.

The other day I took a phone call from a business neighbor with whom we've had a few minor problems over the years. He's not always pleasant to deal with. So I rarely talk to him unless there's an issue between our businesses. And one of my business associates refuses to talk to him at all because he gets angry every time they get into a discussion.

But I changed my perspective about our neighbor after his phone call. And it was a lesson for me. During our conversation – while he was rambling on and on – he told me he and his wife have a 15-year-old handicapped daughter. He said the child functions on the level of a six-month-old. He talked about the frustrations he and his wife face caring for the child.

When he told me this my attitude changed. Because he's difficult to deal with most of the time it isn't easy to express tolerance or love for him. Yet, when he told me of the difficult challenge his family faces my heart went out to him. I see him in a different light.

I realize I must practice the principles in the 12-step literature. Love and tolerance will allow me to accept people who may carry unseen burdens – emotional trauma that might affect their communication.

Not only did I come away with a desire to treat others with more understanding, I also came away with a new respect for our neighbor. I'm not sure I could bear the burdens he and his wife bear and be civil to anyone.

Lying Again

2011-12-18T03:18:00.000-08:00

A client who nearly died the last time he was drinking is starting to exhibit the same old behavior. Once again he's begun to distort reality and has started lying.

The last time he was drinking earlier this year he ended up naked in an emergency room. His blood alcohol level was so high that doctors thought he wouldn't survive. When he regained consciousness he had no idea where he was, or how he got there. His last memory was of being in a city of 200 miles from Phoenix.

For the first few months he was back in TLC he exhibited a lot of willingness. He showed up to work on time. He participated in 12 step meetings. He found a sponsor. He did a great job at everything he was assigned to. It seemed like he was on a fast track to to recovery.

Then it was discovered that he was communicating with one of his old drinking buddies. At first he lied about it, but the man who let him use his phone told on him. When he finally admitted talking to the woman, he said he was "only trying to help her" and give her some encouragement. It might seem harsh to not let this man talk to a friend. But each time he's gone out it's been with a woman who's usually his drinking partner.

When later confronted about the phone call he tried to rationalize his communication with the woman. But when the group leader asked how could he help someone else when he hadn't been able to help himself he had no answer.

Grateful for Frustration

2011-12-17T03:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while driving through a parking lot full of Christmas shoppers, I was becoming frustrated. I’ve never done well in crowds or long lines.

Then I stopped to reflect upon where I was at this time 21 years ago, a few weeks before I got sober.

December 21 years ago I was at the end of a long run of drinking and using heroin. I was homeless. I’d lost everything and was living in a stolen car. I had gone from being vice-president of a nationwide entertainment company to being a homeless bum.

I’d become a predator, continually looking for something to steal so I could buy heroin and alcohol. In my pocket were tickets for shoplifting arrests. I was facing a DUI charge. A dark cloud of depression hung over each day. Then I went into a detox in Arizona, determined to stop the misery.

And it worked.

Today I have a blessed life. I was married earlier this month. We're spending three days in Las Vegas with my children and grandchildren between Christmas and New Year’s. I have all the material stuff I need – more than I need.

Today I need to be grateful for the frustrations in my life. Because if I hadn’t gotten sober I wouldn’t be here to complain at all.

Long Term Sobriety

2011-12-16T04:08:00.000-08:00

Because TLC has over 600 clients in two states, it's impossible to know them all. The only time I really become acquainted with clients is if they work around the corporate office - or if I pesonally help them get into the program.

This happened last year when I helped a client come to TLC from Florida. I talked to his family for nearly 6 months before they convinced him to come to Arizona. We talked so much we were on a first name basis. Now they periodically make a follow-up call to see how he's doing. The last time they called I’d encountered the man earlier in the day so I was able to give them an update.

And the report was good. Because the client's been working a night shift I hadn’t seen him in a month. When I saw him I was impressed by his demeanor and smile. He was positive, upbeat, and talked about how good his sobriety was going. I was gratified at his progress.

When I talked to his family later they were wondering when he would graduate. I told them that because their relative was older and had spent many years drinking, it might be some time before he is ready to move on.

I explained that he can leave whenever he wants. He's in our program of his own free will. However, he seems comfortable living in a sober environment. We have clients who've been with us for over 10 years. Many stay because we become a surrogate family.

Others are older and don’t have relationships or family to return to. So they're happy living with us and working on their recovery.

For most of them their time with TLC is the longest they’ve been sober.

A Child's Generosity

2011-12-15T04:13:00.000-08:00

A mother told me that after her eight year old daughter visited a church friend’s house and realized the family had little or no furniture she wanted to help.

“How much do you want to give them?” her father asked after she said she wanted to withdraw money from her bank account to give them.

“One zero zero,” said the eight year old.

“That’s fine,” said her dad. “A dollar’s fine. That’s being generous.”

“No,” said the eight-year old. “A hundred dollars."

For a few weeks the parents put her off, thinking she would forget about it. But instead she kept insisting on withdrawing money from her savings – money she had earned doing chores and selling cookies. When she presented a card with the hundred dollars inside, the woman broke down.

“And,” said the eight year old, “I want you to spend the money on something for yourself. I don’t want you to give it away.”

The following Sunday the pastor’s sermon was about the little girl’s persistence and generosity.

I’m proud of that eight year old – she’s my granddaughter Lauren.

Another Step

2011-12-14T03:57:00.000-08:00

After his second attempt, a long-term client graduated from our nine-month aftercare program last night. When he was in aftercare a few years ago he said that he probably wouldn't be at the meeting the following week. And he wasn't. He suddenly disappeared to begin another long downward spiral of drinking.

It was wonderful to see his success because at one time he was so closed up that he wouldn't communicate much during groups. He’d lived in parks and on the river bottom for over five years. He seemed gloomy all the time. It was literally day-to-day with him. He now projects a quiet confidence. He's undergone extensive dental work and has a new smile. He'd recently lost his position with TLC. But, instead of being depressed, he looked at it as an opportunity to find a better job.

He said that one of the things that made a difference for him this time is he realized he didn't know everything. He was willing to listen, to take advice. He's learning to trust. He enrolled in outside counseling from Terros, a local outpatient program, and participated in extensive therapy. He also was placed on medication to help regulate his mood.

Our best payoff comes when we see clients move forward - to see them achieve the serenity and sense of accomplishment that many non-alcoholics enjoy in their daily lives.

We wish this client continued success.

Stay in Today

2011-12-13T03:41:00.000-08:00

At a 12-step meeting today a 20-something man with a week sober lamented his situation.

“I’m living at this halfway house and can’t find a job,” he began. “And there are negative people there, guys who don’t want to be there. Also, I don’t have a sponsor.”

He had a list of worries. Some people he’d grown up with were starting families or businesses. And here he was with no money or marketable skills, living in a halfway house with negative people.

After the meeting a few men with years of sobriety talked to him.

One pointed out that there were other ways to look at life. Instead of envying those who are doing well, he might look at some of his friends who didn’t survive their alcoholism. Or remember those who ended up in prisons, hospitals or cemeteries because of their drinking adventures.

Another suggested he might feel better if he stayed in the moment rather than play a comparison game about what he did or didn’t have.

The essence of their advice was that he was powerless over nearly everything that concerned him – and that if he lived his life a day at a time he might have a chance to recover from his disease.

Hard Decision

2011-12-12T04:09:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year we removed a long time manager from his job because we heard he was being rude to clients. When he was initially fired, he was crushed. He said he wanted a chance to prove himself. We said we’d consider his request.

After several months of doing a good job in entry level positions around the program he was given another opportunity. He was put in charge of a house with about 50 clients, about half the size of the previous house he’d managed before being terminated. Our staff hoped for the best.

However, before long we began hearing reports from clients that he was again being rude and was unapproachable. We monitored his performance for a while, giving him the benefit of the doubt. When we found he hadn’t changed we let him go.

It’s always difficult to terminate a manager, as it takes months to train them. In particular, we invest a lot of time teaching them how to be an example of recovery for the clients. And while they’re managing and counseling their peers they’re reinforcing their own recovery.

Our mission at TLC is help recovering substance abusers rebuild their lives. But when staff members stop being an example for others – and stop working on their own recovery we have to make changes.

Even when it’s difficult.