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Making Amends in 12-Step Programs: A Path to Healing

Making amends is a pivotal step in many 12-step programs, serving as a crucial component of personal recovery and growth. Step 8 invites individuals to make a list of those they have harmed, while Step 9 encourages direct amends wherever possible. This process is not merely about apologizing; it’s a transformative journey that fosters accountability, healing, and reconciliation.

The act of making amends starts with reflection. It requires an honest inventory of one’s past actions and the impact they have had on others. This can be an emotionally charged process, as individuals confront uncomfortable truths about their behavior and its consequences. Acknowledging these actions is the first step toward genuine repentance.When preparing to make amends, it’s essential to approach the situation with humility and sincerity. This isn’t about seeking forgiveness or absolution; it’s about taking responsibility. For many, this means reaching out to those they’ve hurt and expressing remorse for specific actions. A heartfelt apology can be incredibly healing for both the giver and the receiver.

However, making amends isn’t always straightforward. In some cases, it may be inappropriate or even harmful to reach out directly. The 12-step philosophy emphasizes that the intention behind making amends is what matters most. Even if a direct apology isn’t possible, individuals can still find ways to make amends through personal changes and living a more responsible life.

Additionally, the process of making amends can strengthen an individual’s support network. Sharing experiences and seeking guidance from sponsors or support groups can provide valuable insights and encouragement. This collective understanding can help individuals navigate the complex emotions that arise during this process.

Ultimately, making amends is about fostering healing, both for oneself and for those affected. It’s a step toward mending relationships and rebuilding trust, laying the foundation for a more authentic, responsible, and connected life in recovery. Through this journey, individuals not only find redemption but also the opportunity for profound personal growth.

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Higher Power

 Higher Power is a term is a term that one hears frequently in the twelve-step programs.

And Higher Power is a term that a lot of new addicts and alcoholics have a problem with. And I suppose, in some ways, that this is understandable. After all, most addicts and alcoholics that we meet at 12 step meetings or treatment programs didn't get there because they were on a winning streak. They almost all arrived there because life, in one way or the other, kicked their asses.

And Higher Power pops up a lot in the rooms and sometimes one even hears the word "God." And if one wants to have problem with the twelve-step programs this is an easy and obvious way to start. A lot of people object to the idea of having to believe in anything or anybody – especially a power greater than themselves.

But if one sticks around the rooms long enough and is under the guidance of a wise sponsor she/he will come to understand that there are many powers and forces in our world that are greater than ourselves.

My personal opinion – and I emphasize that this is my personal opinion – is that people use the idea of "God" or "Higher Power" as a way to not commit to the program, as a sort of backdoor because they really haven't yet committed to their sobriety and recovery. Now I could understand their feelings if some denominational church or worldwide religion were pushing this idea upon them. And there are churches that do have twelve-step programs. But as far as I know, none are registered with the central office of any of the twelve-step programs that I'm familiar with.

For those who have trouble with the concept of a higher power I suggest they think of it in a more philosophical fashion. Perhaps they take a walk on the beach, sit down, and marvel as the waves roll into the shore, then recede gently back into the depths of the ocean. One doesn't have to believe in God to accept the idea that a power greater than themselves has created this marvel they are witnessing. Or perhaps they take a walk into a forest or canyon and recognize that some force greater than themselves created that wonderful landscape.

And sometimes I see things as being created by a power greater than myself – a spiritual force – in modern projects. I once drove two to three times a month between Phoenix and Las Vegas on business on US Highway 93 over about 12 years. I passed over the Colorado River via Hoover dam on each trip, where a bridge was being built so that people wouldn't have to drive across the dam any longer. It took some seven years to build the dam, which is considered the longest concrete arch in the world. And during my trips I would observe the project as it slowly arose from each bank of the Colorado River where it was to meet in the center. I marveled at the expanse of the project. I was amazed that a group of human beings could cooperate in such a way as to create what is a truly amazing structure when looked at from below. (Driving over the bridge from the top, one might barely notice it if they weren't aware of the project before hand.)

I was able to witness the project from beginning to end, and because I only took trips out there every few weeks I could see the slow progress of the project and marvel at the idea of so many diverse people working together toward one goal. And when they finally completed the arch it was reported that it was only three quarters of an inch off from one side of the concrete span to the other – which to me was a miracle.

One doesn't have to look far to see powers greater than themselves: think the corona virus that's spread all over today's news, witness the devastation of typhoons and hurricanes and forest fires and floods and perhaps visualize yourself as having more power than such forces. It's okay if someone doesn't want to get sober. But to use the concept of a Higher Power as an excuse to not do so is rather naive.

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Reaching Out

A concept of the 12-step programs is that we give it away to keep it. Helping others is a stepping stone to our recovery. And giving it away works as well outside the meeting rooms as it does inside.

Often at TLC we encounter clients who’ve been sober a few months who say they don’t feel like they’re “making progress.” They feel stuck in their programs. The early rush of being clean and sober has somewhat dissipated, the euphoria of the pink cloud has left. 

Our recommendation is that the client gets busy helping others. Some protest that they have nothing to give because they’ve been sober only a few months. They don’t have enough experience or credibility to help another addict or alcoholic. But that’s not so.

In my early recovery I couldn’t relate to those who had several years in the program. Their experiences were good, but I was too new. However, when I met someone who had six months, I found some common ground. Six months seemed like something doable.

If we have a week sober we can reach out to the newcomer who has but a few hours or days. Our short time of being drug or alcohol free says to the newcomer that it’s possible make it – at least a little ways.  A hug, a cigarette, a smile are little things that make them feel welcome.

Reaching out to others shows them they’re not alone on this path to happy destiny.

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The Importance of Regular Attendance at 12-Step Meetings

Regular attendance at 12-step meetings can be a cornerstone of success for those on the journey to recovery. While many factors contribute to maintaining sobriety, these meetings offer a unique blend of support, accountability, and community that is vital for long-term recovery.

First and foremost, 12-step meetings provide a safe space for individuals to share their experiences, struggles, and triumphs. This sharing fosters a sense of connection that can be profoundly healing. Knowing that others have faced similar challenges can alleviate feelings of isolation and shame, which are often triggers for relapse. The encouragement and understanding from peers can remind individuals that they are not alone in their journey.

Accountability is another crucial aspect of regular meeting attendance. When individuals commit to attending meetings, they establish a routine that reinforces their dedication to sobriety. The consistency of these gatherings helps to create a structured environment that encourages self-discipline. Regular check-ins with fellow members can serve as a reminder of personal goals and the importance of staying focused on recovery.

Moreover, 12-step meetings emphasize the importance of service and giving back. By participating in discussions or helping new members, individuals reinforce their own recovery while fostering a sense of purpose. This cycle of giving and receiving support strengthens the recovery community and provides a profound sense of belonging.

Lastly, the principles and steps of the 12-step program offer a framework for personal growth. Engaging regularly with these concepts allows individuals to reflect on their progress and continually work on self-improvement. Each meeting is an opportunity to learn something new, whether it’s a different perspective on a problem or a fresh insight into one’s own behaviors.

In conclusion, regular attendance at 12-step meetings is not just beneficial; it’s essential for many on the path to recovery. By building connections, maintaining accountability, contributing to the community, and embracing personal growth, individuals can create a solid foundation for a clean and sober life.

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Acts of Kindness

Several years back a photo of a police officer giving a pair of shoes to a homeless man in New York City made worldwide news. It was a moving photo, one that resulted in the officer being lauded for his kind behavior.  It was very kind of him to spend his own money on this homeless man. Indeed, his behavior is an example to us all.

But later, after reflecting on this incident and all the publicity it generated, I wondered why this particular act of kindness generated such publicity?  Maybe it was because the giver was a police officer and the recipient was homeless – in a city that supposedly has a reputation for being callous. I'm not sure.

During my 22+ years of recovery I've encountered many generous people who've gone out of their way to help others. Some of this help has been given anonymously. Other times it's been in the public eye. In fact, acts of kindness are so common in this part of the world that they generate little or no attention. We look upon it as near normal.

A while back a man told me of some associates who are remodeling the home of a woman who's about to die of terminal cancer. They've dug into their pockets to build ramps, widen bathroom doors, and do other things to make her last days easier. These folks bring minimal attention to themselves. As I said acts of kindness happen here all the time.

For me the benefit of the publicity about this police officer giving this man shoes is that it brings attention to acts of kindness. 

And it illustrates one of the most important commandments in the Bible: love thy neighbor. We can do more of this - not only during holidays - but year around.

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The Ripple Effect of Living Sober: Transforming Families and Communities

Living sober is a powerful decision that resonates far beyond the individual. When someone embarks on this journey, the impact can be profound, touching the lives of family members and radiating outward to the broader community.

For families, the effects of sobriety can be transformative. Individuals who embrace a sober lifestyle often experience improved emotional and physical health, leading to stronger relationships. Communication typically becomes more open and honest, fostering an environment of trust and support. Sober parents can provide a more stable and nurturing home, creating a positive foundation for their children. Kids benefit from the presence of engaged and attentive parents, which can break cycles of addiction and trauma that may have been passed down through generations.

Moreover, sober living can enhance family dynamics. Family members may notice a reduction in conflict, as the chaos often associated with substance abuse diminishes. This newfound stability allows families to spend quality time together, strengthening bonds and encouraging healthier activities. The positive changes can inspire relatives and friends to reevaluate their own relationships with substances, promoting a ripple effect of sobriety.

On a larger scale, the benefits of living sober extend to communities. Sober individuals are often more engaged citizens, contributing positively to society. They tend to volunteer more, participate in local events, and foster a sense of belonging. As sobriety becomes more prevalent in a community, the collective mindset shifts towards health and wellness, leading to lower crime rates, reduced healthcare costs, and increased economic productivity.

Moreover, the visibility of sober living can help challenge the stigma surrounding addiction, encouraging others to seek help and fostering a culture of support and understanding. This creates a cycle of positivity that uplifts not just individuals, but entire communities.

In conclusion, living sober is not just a personal triumph; it is a catalyst for change that nurtures families and enriches communities. By embracing sobriety, we contribute to a healthier, more connected world—one where support, love, and resilience flourish.

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The Hedonic Treadmill

One of the characteristic beliefs of many addicts - and non-addicts - is that money will bring them success and happiness.  Not so.  

Now there's little doubt that money will bring us a degree of pleasure, at least on a temporary basis.  But when we tire of that pleasure, we think that maybe a little more will make our lives wonderful.  So, we work to get a bigger house.  A nicer car.  A better wardrobe.  More jewelry.  And stuff that we think will fulfill our lives.

In psychology it is often described as the "hedonic treadmill."  I run and run harder and faster to accumulate more stuff.  Then I'll be happy.  But sooner or later we find that more stuff is not the key to happiness.  Many wear themselves out on the treadmill, and soon realize that there are other ways to happiness aside from accumulating stuff that only brings pleasure for while.

Those who get off that path may decide to improve their lives by going to school.  Learning to play a musical instrument.  Joining a church. Volunteering at a senior center, or becoming active in sponsoring others in recovery.

When we devote ourselves to learning a new skill or to helping others improve their lives then we find true happiness.

I once thought the same way:  that a lot of material things would make me happy.  But once I got those things they didn't give me what I wanted.   

So I devoted my life to helping others change for the better and achieve their goals in life.  That's what brought me the happiness that I have today.

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