Karma

 One of the interesting things about my job is how surprised we are when clients act just like we used to.

A while back we hired a couple of clients for management positions. And they had all the credentials. They were grateful to be sober. They were happy to be given a position where they could help others. They could use a computer with some skill. One of them had done a little prison time. Like I said, they had the qualifications for the job.

However, within a couple of weeks we found out who they really were. We learned within a short time they were stealing from other clients, from TLC, getting high, and in general acting like many of us behaved before we got here.

Since this hadn't happened in a while, I was a little taken aback. But I knew I had no one to blame but myself. After all, I approved the decision to hire them on a probationary basis. Still, it's kind of a let down when we open our doors and welcome people - only to have them rip us off.

Now I know how all those people who trusted me must have felt when I returned their kindness with the kind of treachery an addict can sometimes give in return.

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It's not about Material

 In the nearly 34 years TLC has been in existence we've had thousands of addicts and alcoholics graduate our program.  And many have become quite successful after leaving.

Some have married and are raising children.  Others have gotten college degrees.  In fact, one recently sent me a video of him receiving his Doctorate.   Another graduate has a quality remodeling business in a nearby state that he has operated for several years. He also is married and has teenage children.  I'm proud of their success.

I know of many others who are succeeding in life.  I only mention these two examples, because I periodically am in contact with them.  And they are handling their success quite well and are examples to those around them - especially to other addicts.

I bring this up today because in the thirty-four years I've stayed sober I have also become financially successful by saving my money and making long-term investments in real estate.  At 85, I work six days a week, stay healthy, and help others have an opportunity to achieve recovery and find a new way of living.

Despite my success, I don't live lavishly. I live in an average 2200-square-foot home. My one luxury is a 2022 S Model Tesla that I lease. I buy most of my clothing at Walmart, Kohl's, or Old Navy. I don't find much satisfaction in luxury items, though I can afford them.

I've had associates ask me why I don't buy a bigger house or get this or that model of fancy car.  But to feel good about myself I don't need those things. I tell them that people aren't going to like me any better if I have a 5,000 square foot house, wear expensive watches, and buy my clothes from Nordstrom's. 

I'd rather invest in three or four personal vacations a year.  I invest in good experiences and memories.

And I suggest to those who leave the program and become successful to remember where they came from. I ask them to show gratitude for their success and be generous to others. Because helping others is one of the great satisfactions in life.

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Not enough Pain

 A woman calls to get into our halfway houses and is given the phone number for an intake. However, she cut the interview short because, as she said later, "They kept asking me questions."

Apparently she wasn't okay with giving us information about her drug and alcohol history. She felt the intake process was "invasive."

Her attitude is characteristic of some of us before we get clean. Many of us get to recovery because others might be pushing us. Because we're doing the world a favor we're not willing to put up with frustration of any kind.

My suspicion is that this woman hasn't reached bottom yet, hasn't had enough pain. Because when we're hurting and someone reaches out with free help we take it. And without question.

Hopefully she'll get enough pain to bring her into recovery before she gets into serious trouble.

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Expect Change

I try to live by a saying I once heard:  “The only thing in life we can really count is change.”   That things will be different tomorrow.  We don’t know what to expect tomorrow.

So what’s the benefit of that?  Well, for one thing when bad things happen we’re not surprised. Or depressed.  Or angry.

We learn to roll with the punches.  To accept the good with the bad.  Knowing that tomorrow we might win the lottery.  Or lose our job.  Or become overwhelmed by a pandemic.  We don’t know what’s coming next. 

So what’s the point?  The point is that we learn to live in the here and now.  To enjoy this moment of our lives.  Because this is the moment God gave us.  That this slice of time is all we can count on.

If we learn to expect change then we can be truly happy.

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Anxiety about the Future

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future but from wanting to control it."  Kahlil Gibran

Many of us, especially those of us in the addict population, spend a lot of time gazing anxiously into the cloudy future. We wonder if we're going to get our family back. Will our old boss give us another chance? And what about my parole officer? Is he going to let me continue on parole or send me back to prison? Am I going to get my life back after I spent so much time tearing it down? On and on rolls our magnifying mind.

But the saying at the beginning of this blog sums it up: it's not the thinking of the future that creates anxiety for us. It's because we want to control what might happen to us.

Thinking we can control how the future unfolds wastes the precious moments of our lives. Life happens to all of us, to everyone all over the world. Life is an unpredictable and precarious place, no matter who we are or what our background.

A better attitude – if we must look into the future at all – is to accept our life as it unfolds. That means we enjoy the present moment. The breeze on our face. Time with our friends. Our drive to work. The idea that we live in a mostly secure country, despite news to the contrary.

And we must rid ourselves of fear, for fear is what makes us want to control the future. Most of our time traveling to the future involves avoiding pain and insecurity. Rarely is our fantasy of the future about how wonderful and rich it might be - and often is.

We find our safe place while savoring the moment, being mindful of the present.

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Pursuit of Happiness

Have you ever been in a situation in your life where you thought that if things just changed you'd be happy?

I know this happens, not just to us addicts and alcoholics, but to the world at large. If I just get this job I'll be happy. If I just find the love of my life then I'll be happy. This new car or new house will complete my life. Or if I get to go on this vacation everything will be just fine.

But don't you see the problem here? If we are always in this mode of sitting around and waiting for the next good thing to happen then our life is always on hold.

Because, if we're always sitting and waiting for the next best thing then as soon as we get it how long will we enjoy it? The new car starts getting a few dings in it and trash in the back seat. Pretty soon it's a year old and one of the neighbors has bought a newer model or more expensive car and all of a sudden your love affair with your new car is over. It wasn't quite the fix you thought it would be.

Same with finding the love of your life. The first six months are a honeymoon. A love affair out of a movie. But then we start seeing that the person we love is just another ordinary human being with all the faults and character defects other human beings have.

And maybe that vacation that we fantasize about and were saving money for wasn't all that great. Maybe it rained. Maybe you lost your luggage. Maybe you missed your flight. In any case the memories you return home with weren't very memorable in a positive way.

The point is if we live our lives with the idea that we'll really be happy when we arrive at the next best thing, the next goal or amount of money or job or whatever we're seeking then we aren't living our life in the moment or living our life today. We're living in suspended animation as the minutes and hours and days pass by with us waiting for what we think will make us happy.

But the reality is that nothing will make us happy if that's the way we travel. Because happiness only happens in this moment, not in the future. So the remedy is to keep focused on here and now because this little slice of time is all that God has given us and all that we can count on. It's impossible to be happy in the future today. And it's such a waste of the precious moments we have on this planet.

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Anger Punishes

 "You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger"  Buddha

Anger's an acceptable emotion for some in early recovery.  It sends a clear message that pushes others away.  At the same time it raises blood pressure, creates stress and turmoil, and halts effective communication.  Carried to an extreme it may result in violence.

In the early days, so many TLC clients were angry that we started an anger management class for newcomers.  Clients don't move to the next level until they complete the class.

The Buddha was correct when he said we're punished, not for our anger, but by our anger.  I've never seen a good outcome when one becomes angry.  Even though it's a common weapon in the arsenal of those who've been locked up or who've lived in the streets.

A more effective tool in dealing with others is kindness and compassion. Yes, once in a while someone might think I'm a chump or a pushover because I'm nice. But who cares? Never once have I gotten in trouble by being kind or compassionate.

My experience is that peace and kindness bring us good karma.

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