Gratitude

 I often talk of gratitude in this blog because I believe it is one of the greatest characteristics a human can have.  If we are fortunate enough to have gratitude for our circumstances and lives we can be happy and free of stress.

Yet, I know many people who are ungrateful because of something they want but don't have that they feel they deserve.  However, had they been with me once when I crossed into Tijuana, Mexico for an afternoon visit,then they might have changed their thinking. They might have been happy for their present circumstances,

It was like walking into another world.   I immediately realized why it is considered a third world country.  Everywhere one walks beggars are reaching out with open hands, and are grateful for whatever they receive.  Most look as though they hadn't bathed in days.  They wore raggedy clothing, sweat stained, and odorous.

When one feels ungrateful look around and you'll find someone who has less than you, who has more problems and challenges.  I guarantee they are there.

And when you see them you'll know gratitude.

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Thanksgiving is Near

This is a time of giving thanks. For being grateful for what we have in our lives right now.

Even the history of Thanksgiving is murky and somewhat debatable, starting somewhere around 1621. The core factor is that the celebration evolved from those who were grateful for a successful harvest, for surviving another year, for a new child and other blessings.

For many who live in halfway houses or who are recovering from addiction it can sometimes be difficult to find things to be grateful for. Many of our clients have pasts that led them to use drugs or alcohol to the point where they could no longer function "normally." Many of them took trips to prison, have developed poor health, and have picked up little in the way of job or career skills. Some may have been divorced or lost touch with their family.

Even if you are someone who falls into this category there are still things you can be grateful for. You're alive. And if you're reading this sentence you still have your cognitive skills. Something to be thankful for.

After working in the recovery field for over 32 years, I've seen hundreds of men and women do phenomenal things with their lives. First, they became clean and sober. Then many of them have gone to school, started a business or even gotten married and are raising a family.

As addicts we often feel that we have a natural right to feel good once we get sober. But that's not the case. Life has its ups and downs. It’s as natural to feel good as it is to feel bad.

But when we are living a life of recovery we learn to deal with both negatives and positives of life without reverting to our old friends – drugs or alcohol.

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Gratitude Benefits

I was talking to a recovering client today who told me that she always went back to using drugs or alcohol because she was depressed.

I asked her to tell me about her depression. Had she been suffering from it for a long time? Was there ever a time when she was happy and positive? In her memory, what was the happiest period of her life?

She said that there had been periods when she was happy. But then the happiness seemed to become normal and ordinary and then her depression would creep back.  And she would be off to the liquor store or dope house.

I decided to offer her some suggestions about how to have conversations with herself that would put her life into a more positive trajectory.

Many times people grow up with unrealistic expectations about how life should be. We go to school, get good grades, graduate and expect to land a dream job. But for many people, that scenario doesn't play out.

Instead, they find that it's a tough, competitive job market out there.  And that they're just another face filling out applications. In fact, I often read about college graduates in their thirties still living with their parents because they haven't found a career opportunity in spite of having graduated in the top half of their class.

In this woman's case, she'd been divorced once, was raising a child by herself, and had been successful as a professional person who made a good salary. For a period of time, she had a nice home and car but eventually, drugs and alcohol caused her to lose everything. Plus the state had taken custody of her child until she could prove that she could live a sober life. Which is why she was with us.

I gave her this prescription which I found has helped me and some of our clients to get over bouts of depression. And no, it's not a pill. However, it does require a minimal amount of work. And it goes like this: every morning when you wake up write down five things that you are grateful for.

You might think as you read this that you're not grateful for anything. And that may be true. In fact, the woman who is the subject of this blog asked me what she had to be grateful for. Here she is trapped in this recovery program. She doesn't have her child with her. Her family is angry at her. She doesn't have a car. She's in a minimum wage job at a fast-food restaurant. She's back at the bottom again.

So I asked her to reframe her thinking and stop looking at what she didn't have. Instead, perhaps she should focus on what she did have. And by the look on her face, I could see that I hadn't really reached her. So I continued, asking her why she couldn't see the positive side of her situation right now.

First of all, she is in a safe place where she can focus on her recovery and her psychological issues. Her child is in safe hands. She has a chance to regain custody of her child when she graduates from our program and finds a job and a place to live. She has her freedom, which many addicts have lost because of the crimes they committed while they were using. She is still relatively young and healthy. Her parents are beginning to talk to her again because they see that she's trying to help herself. She's making a few sober friends.

I asked her to start writing a gratitude list every morning for a week, then come back to me with what she had written. She halfheartedly agreed to do it and I told her I was looking forward to see what she came up with.

Many times in life we addicts have a lot of false expectations about how life should be. And therein lies the problem. Because life, if we live it on a daily basis, is an up and down proposition. Everyone on the planet has good days and bad days - some more than others. But if we can develop the perspective that this is just the way life is then we develop resilience and can bounce back much faster when we fall into moments of depression. Any time I start falling into depression I look around me and find someone who's life is a much bigger mess than mine or who is much less fortunate than I. And when I do that I

suddenly back on track.

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Escaping Pain

When I first entered recovery 33 years ago I just wanted the pain to stop. I had no real plans beyond that. Just stop the pain.

There were no grandiose ideas about getting back into the business world. Once more becoming a top salesman. Having a nice apartment. A great income. A sports car. A relationship. None of that. It was about escaping the painful life I was living. That was all.

But after a few months in a halfway house I knew I had to do something with my life. I had a young daughter to provide for. Back child support to pay. Amends to make.

But I wanted to do more than make a living. I'd done that most of my life. But it didn't keep me sober. I needed to have meaning - a purpose - for being alive.

And I needed to do something that was compatible with my recovery. A former employer had hired me back and was paying me survival wages. But my heart was no longer in the corporate realm.

So I decided to start a small recovery program on the side. Maybe a few houses with fifty or so beds. Sort of an avocation to keep me involved with what was - and is - important in life. Living sober.

And I bring this up because a client gave me a card a few days ago - thanking me for starting TLC. It was a nice card, containing gratitude and sentiment. And I appreciated it. It sort of portrayed me as self-sacrificing, as more giving than I was at the time.

But the truth is that I started this program to save myself. And it has worked - I've stayed pain-free and sober 33 years.

The fact that others also got help over the years is an additional blessing. An unexpected result of a drug addict trying to escape the cycle of pain and misery.

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John is on Vacation Until November 3

Making Amends in 12-Step Programs: A Path to Healing

Making amends is a pivotal step in many 12-step programs, serving as a crucial component of personal recovery and growth. Step 8 invites individuals to make a list of those they have harmed, while Step 9 encourages direct amends wherever possible. This process is not merely about apologizing; it’s a transformative journey that fosters accountability, healing, and reconciliation.

The act of making amends starts with reflection. It requires an honest inventory of one’s past actions and the impact they have had on others. This can be an emotionally charged process, as individuals confront uncomfortable truths about their behavior and its consequences. Acknowledging these actions is the first step toward genuine repentance.When preparing to make amends, it’s essential to approach the situation with humility and sincerity. This isn’t about seeking forgiveness or absolution; it’s about taking responsibility. For many, this means reaching out to those they’ve hurt and expressing remorse for specific actions. A heartfelt apology can be incredibly healing for both the giver and the receiver.

However, making amends isn’t always straightforward. In some cases, it may be inappropriate or even harmful to reach out directly. The 12-step philosophy emphasizes that the intention behind making amends is what matters most. Even if a direct apology isn’t possible, individuals can still find ways to make amends through personal changes and living a more responsible life.

Additionally, the process of making amends can strengthen an individual’s support network. Sharing experiences and seeking guidance from sponsors or support groups can provide valuable insights and encouragement. This collective understanding can help individuals navigate the complex emotions that arise during this process.

Ultimately, making amends is about fostering healing, both for oneself and for those affected. It’s a step toward mending relationships and rebuilding trust, laying the foundation for a more authentic, responsible, and connected life in recovery. Through this journey, individuals not only find redemption but also the opportunity for profound personal growth.

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Higher Power

 Higher Power is a term is a term that one hears frequently in the twelve-step programs.

And Higher Power is a term that a lot of new addicts and alcoholics have a problem with. And I suppose, in some ways, that this is understandable. After all, most addicts and alcoholics that we meet at 12 step meetings or treatment programs didn't get there because they were on a winning streak. They almost all arrived there because life, in one way or the other, kicked their asses.

And Higher Power pops up a lot in the rooms and sometimes one even hears the word "God." And if one wants to have problem with the twelve-step programs this is an easy and obvious way to start. A lot of people object to the idea of having to believe in anything or anybody – especially a power greater than themselves.

But if one sticks around the rooms long enough and is under the guidance of a wise sponsor she/he will come to understand that there are many powers and forces in our world that are greater than ourselves.

My personal opinion – and I emphasize that this is my personal opinion – is that people use the idea of "God" or "Higher Power" as a way to not commit to the program, as a sort of backdoor because they really haven't yet committed to their sobriety and recovery. Now I could understand their feelings if some denominational church or worldwide religion were pushing this idea upon them. And there are churches that do have twelve-step programs. But as far as I know, none are registered with the central office of any of the twelve-step programs that I'm familiar with.

For those who have trouble with the concept of a higher power I suggest they think of it in a more philosophical fashion. Perhaps they take a walk on the beach, sit down, and marvel as the waves roll into the shore, then recede gently back into the depths of the ocean. One doesn't have to believe in God to accept the idea that a power greater than themselves has created this marvel they are witnessing. Or perhaps they take a walk into a forest or canyon and recognize that some force greater than themselves created that wonderful landscape.

And sometimes I see things as being created by a power greater than myself – a spiritual force – in modern projects. I once drove two to three times a month between Phoenix and Las Vegas on business on US Highway 93 over about 12 years. I passed over the Colorado River via Hoover dam on each trip, where a bridge was being built so that people wouldn't have to drive across the dam any longer. It took some seven years to build the dam, which is considered the longest concrete arch in the world. And during my trips I would observe the project as it slowly arose from each bank of the Colorado River where it was to meet in the center. I marveled at the expanse of the project. I was amazed that a group of human beings could cooperate in such a way as to create what is a truly amazing structure when looked at from below. (Driving over the bridge from the top, one might barely notice it if they weren't aware of the project before hand.)

I was able to witness the project from beginning to end, and because I only took trips out there every few weeks I could see the slow progress of the project and marvel at the idea of so many diverse people working together toward one goal. And when they finally completed the arch it was reported that it was only three quarters of an inch off from one side of the concrete span to the other – which to me was a miracle.

One doesn't have to look far to see powers greater than themselves: think the corona virus that's spread all over today's news, witness the devastation of typhoons and hurricanes and forest fires and floods and perhaps visualize yourself as having more power than such forces. It's okay if someone doesn't want to get sober. But to use the concept of a Higher Power as an excuse to not do so is rather naive.

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