Change or Die

 Change is difficult. I was reminded of that recently while rereading a 2005 article in Fast Company magazine, entitled "change or die."

The author described how nine out of ten patients who've had open-heart surgery - when told they’ll die if they don't start exercising, eat right and quit smoking - will not or cannot change.  They keep up their bad habits in spite of the consequences. At first these numbers amazed me, but then my experience with our clients lent credibility to this author's story.

We have clients who relapse repeatedly even though life has shown them it doesn’t work. Fear of jail, institutions or death – doesn’t deter them.

As an outside-of-recovery example, I see the unwillingness to change with our clients who smoke. Statistics show that 18 to 20% of the general population smokes-in spite of the health risks and expense.  But in the recovery community the numbers are upside down: about 80% of recovering addicts and alcoholics smoke. Non-smokers often pass through a cloud of smoke to get into a 12 step meeting. And often during meetings the real addicts take a smoke break because they can't quell their addiction for the hour it takes to complete the meeting.

In the Fast Company article the author says fear of death doesn't make people change. He writes that people will change if they believe they can have a better life.

“The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles." Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating," a doctor cited in the article says. "Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?"

So instead of trying to motivate them with the "fear of dying," One of the doctors reframes the issue. He inspires a new vision of the "joy of living" -- convincing patients they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. "Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear," he says.

I believe this article correlates with what we try to do at TLC: to show our clients they can have a more joyful existence when they stop their negative addictions – a lifestyle they can gain by living by 12-step principles.

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No more Excuses

 We addicts have all kinds of excuses for using. And often that keeps us from changing.

And when we tell our sad stories to counselors or therapists they often cosign our bullshit. They understood why we drank, or smoked, or slammed a needle in our arms. Or at least they acted like they did. And that didn't help me get well because I needed someone to make me look at reality. Someone to be a little tough with me in a positive way.

When I was in my teens, I was in a rage. Life was unfair. The world was cruel. Counselors tried to help. But I viewed them as part of the system. So I wouldn't drop my defenses and let anyone in. That attitude kept me locked in my rage and confusion.

I fought with everyone. I thought I was tough. But really I was so full of fear and anger that whoever was nearby was the enemy. It took many years of using and trouble with the law before I changed.

And what changed me was time. I started paying attention to others who had stories of abuse. Many of them suffered much worse than I had. And they were like me, always in trouble. Full of fear and rage.

When I saw myself in them I had a spiritual awakening. I came to accept that bad stuff had happened to me. But also to others. Unjustifiable things. Things humans shouldn't do to one another.

But I also came to realize that no matter what happened it wasn't worth living my life suffering over it. And I decided to change.

Part of that change was putting down the bottle over 34 years ago. Part of it was deciding that I wasn't going to let my disease me hostage any longer.

That's when I took the first steps down the path to emotional freedom. And today my life works.

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Back with Family

One result of addiction is that many addicts and alcoholics eventually lose their families.

Of course, it doesn't happen right away. Many times families exhibit unusual patience and spend thousands of dollars trying to get an addict back on track. But finally many of them give up. Their addicted family member has stolen from them. Maybe they've gone to prison or jail a few times. Perhaps they've been in accidents. Or maybe ended up in the emergency room after an overdose. The emotional baggage overwhelms many families and they understandably give up hope.

When I first came into recovery nearly 35 years ago I had a few phone numbers, but none of them really wanted a call from me. Including my family members. And it can be quite discouraging for the newcomer when they feel there's little chance of getting back together with those they love.

Yet I'm here to tell you that all of that can change. But it doesn't happen overnight. For most of us it doesn't happen even in the first six months. But within a few years – as long as we stay clean and sober – our families will realize that we're serious about recovery and start communicating with us once more.

I know that in my case it took about three years for my family to realize that I was serious about staying sober. And once they realized that, we started spending holidays together, summer vacations together and saw each other on a regular basis. At one point I had five family members living with me in a three bedroom house.

And for some of us, the very unusual happens. For example in my case, I even had a daughter show up who was born in the late 1960s, a child that I was unaware of.

As long as we remain in recovery, there's hope for us all.

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Our Choices

 When we bring our child home from the hospital it is with joy and gladness in our hearts.

Doe's he look more like me? His dad? His grandfather? We watch every move. to make sure he's covered. Take lots of pictures. We make sure that he keeps his medical appointments. And we're happy when the doctor says our baby is in perfect health.

But the doctor can't see into future. Nor can we. None us were able to see years ahead when this aberration pops up. This disease that takes control of his life - seemingly overnight.

One moment he's like any other kid. Getting decent grades. Playing sports. Chasing girls. The next his grades are falling. The police bring him home one night. He lies about the black eye he got because he didn't pay the connection for the oxies he got on credit.

Then we go into the next phase. We blame ourselves for this change in behavior. We didn't do enough, maybe? Or too much. We did our best? Or did we? Maybe we should have taken him to church, Or moved to another neighborhood.

The guilt and shame and puzzlement piles up. What to do? We've gone through money getting him to treatment and to shrinks. Nothing has helped.

Our health and finances are failing. Yet we still don't have answers. And we don't stop to think about the obvious one: that maybe his addiction is his choice. His fault. After all, we're not Gods. We're only parents. And the inexplicable happens to everyone. Good people and bad people all get ground up equally beneath the wheels of chance.

What to do? We can pray. We can put him on the streets where the rest of the addicts end up. Or we can live in self-condemnation and guilt while still supporting him.

But we must remember that we also have a life to live. And we need to make our choices: guilt and shame about something we can't control - or happiness that we still make choices that are in our own benefit.

It's our choice.

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Controlling Anxiety

 A while back I dealt with a client who had a severe case of anxiety. He had trouble sleeping. He had trouble relaxing. He spent a great deal of time looking into the future, or dwelling in the past.

And like many of the addicts in our program he had the perfect solution for his anxiety: he would bury it with drugs or alcohol until he passed out. The only problem is that he had to wake up the next day and start all over again. This regimen didn't work out very well for him because eventually he lost his job, his marriage, his automobile, and the home that he lived in for seven years.

As I got better acquainted with him I learned that he had been treated poorly as a child. But instead of blaming those who mistreated him, he blamed himself for the bad things that happened to him. And of course that affected his self-worth. When in school he got poor grades. He ended up hanging with other students who had similar experience to his. He had found a clique of drug addicts to whom he could relate and who accepted him just as he was. And because of his association with them he eventually ended up in juvenile hall and then jail. And for the next 20 years he spent a lot of time associating with people like him and ultimately returning to jail or prison.

During my sessions with him I was able to help him understand that he could do nothing about the past. Nor could he really plan a future. But something that he would be able to do that would bring him some happiness and peace was to learn how to live in the moment. It took a while for me to help him understand that the only thing he had control over was this moment. And when he spent his time in the past or the future he was wasting a lot of the brief time that we all have here on earth.

After a while his anxiety went away because he began to grasp the concepts that I was teaching him about living in the moment. Someone taught me that concept a long time ago. And when I'm able to share it with others who begin to use it in their lives I feel like I'm helping someone learn how precious each moment of our life is.

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The wonders of Gratitude

 Gratitude takes practice.

And when we don't have gratitude as a traveling companion life can sometimes seem dark.

So how do we infuse gratitude into our lives?  It's really about changing our perspective.

A simple way is to start when we open our eyes in the morning.  When you awake, don't say "Damn, I have to get ready for work."  And then jump from the bed and start rushing to get ready.

Instead, set your alarm an hour early.  Rouse yourself slowly and stretch to get your blood circulating. Take a few deep breaths.  Then practice mindful meditation for ten or fifteen minutes.  After that do some yoga at home - or go to the gym.

Be fully present while you shower.  Savor a light breakfast.  Enjoy the sunrise.

Immerse yourself in the drive to work.  Flow with the traffic.  Be grateful that you have transportation.

Notice those along the way who have less than you.  Maybe you pass someone who's handicapped and riding a motorized cart.  Or someone who's homeless.  Realize how blessed you are.

Keep your mind in the present.  Don't let it get to the office before your body arrives.  Staying in the moment nurtures our gratitude and enhances our life.

If you're unhappy about how much money you earn remind yourself that much of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day.

Being grateful comes from how we view life.

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Let's Perservere

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

So how does this quote by Michael Jordan apply to those of us in recovery?

I think it gives encouragement to those of us who have fallen prey to serial relapses.

Often clients come to TLC discouraged because it seems like nothing has worked. In spite of their best intentions, they've failed “over and over” again. In fact, so often that they’re prone to the depression that might lead them back to their drug of choice.

I ask these clients to focus on the positive: the fact that they're sitting in my office is a testimony that they're still willing to work on recovery after repeated failures. And sometimes what I say seems to help.

We can often take the same perseverance that led us to repeatedly try to successfully drink or drug and turn it into something positive. Anyone who can go through misery for countless years in pursuit of their addiction can take that same drive and turn it into success.

For those who don't remember, I want to remind them that living with an addiction to the exclusion of everything else is hard work. In fact, it seemed like I worked day and night to supply my drug habit – it was a full-time job.

Eventually I turned my failures into success - something you who have repeatedly failed can also do.

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