Accepting Change

Until I got sober 30 years ago I always had a problem with accepting change.  Even though I didn't realize it, change is all we can count on each day of our lives.  Yet if something changed in my life, no matter what it was, it was enough to set me off.

Losing a job.  A flat tire.  Arguing with my wife.  No matter what it was, it was an excuse for me to pick up the bottle or the spoon.  And I'd be off and running again.

But when I got sober 31 plus years ago all of that changed.  It didn't change immediately.  But it began to change when I incorporated the "one day at a time" philosophy of the 12-step programs into my life.  When I began to look at life from a 24-hour perspective it changed things for me.l  Instead of being on the hunt 24 hours a day for drugs or alcohol, I was living my life in manageable slices.

And when I started living within those little slices of time my focus narrowed and I was able to see what was right in front of me.  And not always looking into the future or lamenting the past.  I was able to focus on the moment and notice that life was full of little surprises, changes, and twists and turns.  And whether or not I liked those changes, they were part of reality, of the tapestry of my existence. 

And when I began looking at life's changes from that perspective things became much smoother.  When I didn't like whatever change came into my life I was able to talk to myself and accept that part of existence is welcoming change because maybe hidden in that change was a new opportunity or challenge.

It used to be that we all got excited when we lost an employee, or a vehicle broke down.  But I came to learn that we always found another person to work for us.  And somehow we'd find a way to finance a vehicle.  Things always worked out for us, one way or the other.

Today I look at life as being perfect just as it is - it's as it's supposed to be.  And I should simply be happy that I'm here to experience it.

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Gratitude

One who truly is in recovery never has a problem finding things for which to be grateful.  Until I was beat down enough  to want to stop using, I always was unhappy about something.  Once I got sober things changed for me very quickly.  And with seemingly little effort on my part.

The first time I noticed that I was deeply grateful for what was going on in my life was about 30 years ago as I was riding to work on an old used bicycle that someone had sold me for about $20.  It was a perfect sunny day, not to hot, nor too cold.  I suddenly became aware of a sense of satisfaction about my life.  I began to examine it because I hadn't felt that sense of well-being since I'd quit drugs and alcohol.  And I wanted to know more about it and learn to maintain it.

I examined my emotions and realized that because I'd quit using I no longer lived in fear.  I didn't have to worry about where I was going to get my next fix because I no longer needed heroin to survive.  I didn't need to think about where to get the next drink because I didn't drink any more.  I didn't have to look the other way when the police cruised by because I had no warrants for my arrest.

Because I'd found  a halfway house that would accept me without money when I first left detox, I had a place to live with others who were trying to change their lives.  I'd also found a sponsor who patiently took me through the steps of recovery.  

All was just as it was supposed to be at that stage of my life.  I had a job.  A place to live.  Supportive people around me who were facing the same challenges as I was.  I really needed nothing more than I had at that moment.  That was mid-1991.

Thirty-one years later, a few days before Thanksgiving 1992, I'm about as happy as I was that first day I noticed my level of gratitude while riding that bike.  Oh, I have a lot more stuff.  And financial security.  Homes. Cars.  More clothing and so on.  But material things are superficial and fleeting.  They come and go.

The gratitude I have today is the same as I had when I first noticed that I no longer live with fear and that I have a deep satisfaction in my life.

And I believe that as long as I remain grateful and continue my sobriety life will always be okay.

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The Vultures Show Up

It seems that every family has them.  At least every family of any size.  I'm writing of those who - when a family member dies - immediately go into drama mode and create chaos and and anger among those who simply want to quietly grieve a lost family member.

Here I'm referring to the passing of my youngest daughter's mother, Mona, of a heart attack four days ago.  She had a large family.  And like many large families, hers has its share of addicts, alcoholics, losers, ex-cons and other fringe characters.  And before her body was even cool, they descended upon what she'd left behind like a flock of starving vultures.

Last year my daughter had helped arrange for the purchase of a fixer-upper house so that her mother would have a place to live during her last days.  My son-in-law, who has an extensive construction background, made it comfortable and livable.  He put in a new bathroom and kitchen.  Repaired plumbing. Re-painted the interior and exterior.  Repaired the fences and made it livable.  Mona loved the place.

However, as soon as she passed, a few family members immediately began using it for a crash-pad and dope-house.  So when they were informed that the house was going to be sold they were highly irate.  They accused my daughter and son-in-law of "being only about the money," even though they'd invested nothing in the house nor had they made any contributions toward Mona having a better life.

This is another case of family members having a sense of entitlement, even though they hadn't made the smallest contribution to the woman's life.  None.

It's sad that there are some people in the world who contribute nothing, yet have the idea that someone else should take care of them.

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Mona's Passing

Early yesterday morning Mona, the mother of my youngest daughter, Veronica, passed away in an Apache Junction hospital of heart failure and other health issues.  She'd been in declining health for a number of years and her death was not a surprise.

She and I met when I came to Arizona in the early 1980s and entered a substance abuse treatment program in Globe, Arizona, where she worked as a counselor. 

After I left the treatment program she quit working there and we later became good friends.  Eventually we began living together in Superior, Arizona, where she was raised and where her family had lived for many years.

Our daughter Veronica was born after we were together a while, but we eventually parted ways.  However, it wasn't an angry separation.  She and I simply had different views of the world and drifted apart.

The one thing I always liked about her is that she had a sense of humor.  Even during our worst disagreements - which weren't many - we could make each laugh and defuse the situation.

Mona leaves behind many family members, including her children, Veronica, Theresa, Krystel, Arturo, Raymond, and Robert.  She also leaves many nephews, nieces, grandchildren, siblings, friends and others.

May she rest in peace

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Homeless?

TLC accepts anyone into its program who asks for help.  It doesn't make any difference if they have money.  Or clothing.  TLC accepts anyone who asks for help as long as they aren't a sex-offender or arsonist.  They can have a criminal record.  They can be broke.  They can be jobless or homeless.  Have no clothing or car or insurance. 

The only  thing they must have to enter the program is the desire to change their lives.  And in most cases the real change we're looking for is that they decide to get sober and educate - with our help - themselves about their drug habit.

While this must seem an easy chore, changing from a drug lifestyle to a sober lifestyle it is not always the easiest thing to do.  Depending upon how long they've been homeless, it can be quite difficult.  What we're asking is that they change their culture completely.  No more panhandling. Regularly bathing and changing clothing.  Seeking employment.  Attending 12-step meetings.  Becoming part of our sober community.  Yet, we're only successful as far as helping them change probably half the time.  

Because when they get frustrated it's easy for them to pick up  their bedroll and hit the road.  No more responsibilities.  No more stress.  Maybe a cold beer.  And a hot pipe of meth.  They're back in their element with no one to answer to but themselves.

Is there more that we could do?  I don't know.  I think a lot of it has to do with how deeply entrenched in their lifestyle they are - their perceived freedom of being homeless and irresponsible.

They most important thing I've learned about being sober is that we aren't motivated to change until we experience enough pain.  And I guess that's what I'd hope for the homeless.

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Disappointed

Even though it's none of my business, I hate to see people become ill because they don't take care of themselves.

This came up for me this evening when I learned that someone I've known for a number of years ended up in the emergency room because he couldn't afford a medicine he must take each day to keep him alive.  I'm not going to mention the medicine or the person to protect his anonymity.

However, I'm disappointed that he didn't talk to me about his lack of funds, because I would have helped him get the medication he needs to stay healthy. 

One thing about men, is that we hate to go to the doctor.  And, in many cases we also don't exercise or eat right.  All I can figure is that it's a macho thing; we don't want to appear weak or to depend on others for our well-being.

One thing I decided 31 years ago - when I first got sober - was that I was going to stay healthy enough to enjoy the years I have left. Therefore, I have no problem visiting doctors on a regular schedule and taking the medications I'm prescribed.  I didn't get sober to sit on my butt and rot away into decrepitude.

Simply getting sober isn't enough for me.  I like to feel that I'm contributing to the world and to those around me.  When I think of living sober I like to think of myself as an example to others.  Sobriety is much more attractive when it looks like we're having fun and enjoying success.

I encourage anyone who needs medical care of any kind to talk to their house advisor about what resources are available.  I promise that we'll come up with the medical care you need.  

We have one staff member who works five days a week contacting doctors, dentists, and other healthcare professionals to help our peers who are in need of healthcare.  And he's very good at getting dental care, glasses, and other medical assistance for those in need.

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Peer Recovery

When new clients arrive at TLC they are usually confused.  They don't know why they have to go through an orientation period.  They don't understand the guidelines.  All of a sudden, they're in an environment of a group of strangers who are all attempting to achieve sobriety just as they are.

If it's their first time attempting to live sober, the program can be confusing.  They don't understand that everything that occurs at TLC is about teaching them to live without drugs or alcohol.  Each facet of the program has some connection to the process of living in recovery.

Finding employment is related to recovery.  After all, how else is one going pay a service fee of $140.00 a week without a job of some kind?  The majority of substance abusers don't know how to work because they come to us from prison.  Or from living homeless on the streets.  Or staying on Mom's sofa.

So learning to show up for work is something they must learn.  We teach them how to dress and provide them with the clothing they need for work, if necessary.  We teach them that they must put forth effort each hour they're on the job site if they want to be a good employee.

Another aspect of the program is the sobriety education they receive.  They attend different types of 12-Step meetings the first 90 days they're in the program.  They also attend two in-house meetings with their peers, both related to recovery.

After a week or two of them observing what their peers are doing to stay sober, they begin to get the idea.  And if they simply do what their peers are doing, follow their lead, they'll be on the road to recovery.

And that's the beauty of a peer-drive program.  If we follow the example of our sober peers we too will begin accumulating sober days, weeks, and months.  If we really want the blessings of sobriety we can have them simply by mimicking our sober peers.

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