Recovered vs. Recovering

 At times I've heard people use the term I am a "recovered" alcoholic. Or a "recovered" addict.

But really, that's a misuse of the term "recovered." And I say this because I learned a long time ago that for us addicts and alcoholics there is no such thing as being "recovered." I understand what people mean when they use "recovered" this way.

But the correct way to use the term is recovery. Not recovered. Because even though they mean to say that they are in recovery when they use the term recovered the words have a distinction that is very important. Recovered means that we have arrived at the state of sobriety. And recovery means that we're in the process of recovery and we will never arrive at a time where there is an appropriate use of the word recovered.

Being in recovery means that we are living a certain kind of life. Usually, one that we learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book, the fellowship, the sponsor–sponsee relationship are all part of the process of being in recovery. And the things that I just mentioned are part of a process – not a place where we sit on our laurels and say that finally we have arrived and we no longer have to take any action.

Being in recovery means that we have a toolkit that has been given to us through the generosity of  Alcoholics Anonymous. And, other than the Big Book itself, all of these tools that have been given to us describe a kind of behavior that we practice as members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among these behaviors are making amends when we do something untoward to another person. Another behavior is giving our recovery to others who need our help. Another behavior is sitting alongside someone who is having a rough time understanding what this recovery is all about, explaining the process of recovery to them.

The term recovery – used in the place of "recovered" – signifies action. It signifies that we're following a certain path in life that will help us remain sober and clean.

To put it more simply, recovery means action. And recovered means that there's nothing else we need to do to stay sober – something that's a fallacy in most cases.

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About Recovering Employees

Running a business with so-called “normal” people has plenty of challenges. Running a corporation totally staffed with recovering substance abusers – as at TLC - can at times be much more difficult.

At a regular company the most common motivation for working is for a paycheck. But at a company like TLC money is not the key motivation.

Instead staying clean and sober takes precedence. It’s about saving our lives and escaping the demons of our past. It’s about not walking the big yard for years. About not seeing the looks of disappointment on the faces of our loved ones. It’s about returning to school. About rebuilding our mental and physical health.

Working with employees in recovery, however, requires patience and understanding. The reason being that just become someone’s gotten sober doesn’t’ mean they’re all of a sudden emotionally healthy.

Egos and territoriality come into play. We addicts are often emotionally fragile. Our self-esteem is in shambles. And sometimes that affects our relationships with our co-workers.

So how do we work with employees in recovery? Mostly we use the tools of recovery that we learn in 12-step meetings.

We ask them to look beyond pettiness and to the larger mission: which is to rebuild our lives and recover from substance abuse. We ask them to remember what it says in the recovery literature about not fighting anyone or anything. We ask them to forget small differences that might interfere with our efforts to change our lives.

And it’s worked for over 34 years.

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Living with Anxiety

 "I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free." Thich Nhat Hanh

A manager talks to me about being in overwhelming anxiety. He's concerned about his job performance. He's afraid he might be replaced by someone else. He's riddled with fear.

I explained to him that none of those thoughts are real, just ideas that are popping up in his brain. That they have no basis in reality because we haven't had any plans to replace him.

I go on to explain that our anxiety is a natural part of our genetic inheritance. Maybe 100 generations ago, when his ancestors lived on the plains or in the jungles of Africa anxiety was a natural state of being. Those who didn't have concerns about what was hiding behind the next bush or rock might easily become a predator's next victim. Our ancestors, those who handed us our genetic blueprint, survived only because they were wary and fear-based. In some respects, anxiety could have been looked upon as a survival tool.

Today many of us, addicts and non-addicts, experience anxiety. But it's mostly anxiety that's conjured up in our brain. The anxiety we experience today is not an immediate threat to our existence, but too much of it can disrupt our happiness and peace of mind. It can lead to bad health and other physical problems.

Those who come to me with anxiety are those who are always peering into the future, imagining that something dire is about to happen. And even though it's all in their head they sometimes are so worked up that they're on the edge of panic.

My prescription for those who are in this state of mind is always the same: eat well, exercise, and above all – practice mindful meditation.

And I emphasize meditation because the longer we practice the more we free ourselves from our tangled thinking. Meditation helps us realize that our fearful thoughts are not real, just illusions that pass through our minds in sometimes endless streams. And they appear without our help, just as they will pass through our minds and disappear without our help. As we meditate, we observe them and accept them without judgment. 

And as strange as it seems, after a short period of practice our thinking begins to change and our thoughts are not the threatening monsters that used to keep us in a state of unrest.

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Responsible Now

For years I played the blame game.  Everything was someone else's fault.  The easiest thing for me to do was shrug my shoulders like I had no responsibility at all.

I used drugs for years because my father was a raging alcoholic who beat everyone and everything around him.  I did lousy in school because of my home life.  It seemed like I was a burden to my family and I never received nurturing at home.  Just criticism and abuse.

And while all of these things were true about my childhood and caused me to grow up full of pain, it also caused me to spend years mired in addiction and alcoholism.  Jails.  Divorces.  Bankruptcies. Accidents.  My life was a trainwreck.

It was only when I became homeless after losing everything for the umpteenth time that I decided to change.  I was so full of pain that I was either going to change or die. And at that juncture, I decided I wanted to live up to my potential and be someone different.

And I did become someone different.  I surrendered my past, joined the 12-step programs and went to work in the recovery field.

At first, I couldn't believe how good I felt and how life started to flow for me.  Thirty-four years later I enjoy blessings in my life.  All of the promises continue to come true for me.

But it only happened when I accepted the past and started living in today.

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Living with Kindness

 "You never know what people are going through. Be kind. Always." Unknown

A while back I was in a bank with a business associate. We were there to modify a business account and were being helped by a banker who was having difficulty finding the necessary paperwork.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, seeming somewhat frustrated. "I've been out of the office for a couple of weeks and have to get used to where everything is again."

"No problem," I replied. "How was your vacation?"

"I wish I'd been on vacation," she replied. Then she explained that she'd been home for two weeks because her teenage son was seriously injured when a truck T-boned the car he was in. He was bedridden and she was the only one available to care for him.

I immediately felt compassion for her and silently chided myself for feeling somewhat impatient.

While filling out the paperwork, we continued talking. She revealed that not only did she have to deal with her son's recuperation, but she also had a son with Down's syndrome and a daughter who was being treated for leukemia.

My associate commented that she really seemed to be able to keep her self together, considering the challenges she was facing.

The banker replied that it wasn't easy. She said that sometimes on her 30-mile drive home she'd cry all the way, then put on a happy face before entering the house to take care of her husband and children.

As we concluded our business and left the bank I realized that I need to cultivate an attitude of kindness toward others at all times. In traffic. When I'm in a hurry. When I'm dealing with business people who don't seem to know what they're doing. Whenever I'm dealing with anyone, I need to show them kindness.

Because, as the encounter with this banker showed me, we never know the challenges and problems others are facing. We never know when they've gotten bad news about their health. Or they are having issues with their spouse or children. Maybe they just lost their job or a relative. We just never know.  That's why it pays to always be kind - whether we feel like it or not.

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In the Moment

Here and now is a place where things are manageable.  I can get up today to work, even if I'm not sure I could do it for the rest of my life.  The pain in my back might be severe today.  But is it going to stay with me from now on?  Today I may be broke, or not have a job.  But will this always be the case?

If I stay present, I face life in manageable chunks.  If I speculate about a problematic future, I might become overwhelmed to the point of picking up a drink or drug.

If I'm managing an archaeological expedition through the wreckage of my years of drinking and drugging and being irresponsible and abusing I might get lost and never get back to today.  Living in today, I don't need to open the door and enter that tunnel to my dark past.  Instead, I stay in today, where the light of the moment shines upon my activities and keeps me focused on what's real.

The idea of living in today did not originate with the framers of the 12-step programs.  Eastern religions for centuries have taught the value of focusing upon this minute, this moment, this second that we've been given.

Regardless of where it came from, the concept of living a day at a time teaches us that life is manageable - something each of us in recovery can use to our benefit.

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Needing a Drink

When I stopped at Circle K for my morning coffee, a disheveled, bearded man appeared to be sleeping on the sidewalk next to the building. As I left my car and started into the store, though, he opened one eye and asked if I had any change.

Not now, I told him.  But that I might have some when I come out of the store.  When I came back he was waiting expectantly, but the only change I had was a five-dollar bill.  After wrestling with myself for a minute I decided to give it to him.  After all, he looked like he was hurting and could use a drink.  And that five dollar bill might get him a small bottle of Vodka, enough to at least carry him for a couple of hours.

While I rarely bummed money for a drink because it was faster to steal it, I certainly could relate to what he was going through.  Because there was a period of my life when I was never far from a bottle.  Even when I was using heroin I always had a beer or other beverage close by.

I felt some pity for the man because help was available.  Some programs will take him in immediately - whether he has money or not.  But 34 years of experience working with alcoholics has taught me that until an alcoholic or addict has had enough pain and suffering they won't quit.  When life becomes miserable then we stop - unless we die first.

As I drove away I had a moment of gratitude.  Because had I not reached a point of pain that had become intolerable I might have found myself panhandling outside a convenience store instead of living sober for over 34 years.

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