Tough Love

 A woman sent an email recently about her father, a man in his seventies, who'd relapsed and started using again.

She wrote that she and her husband had given him an ultimatum: they would no longer communicate with him or be in his life until he sought help.

By the tone of her email, I could tell that she was quite distressed by having to take that position with her father, who isn't in the best of health.

But in my opinion, that's the most loving thing she could have done for her father – to try to help him salvage the remaining years of his life and live them in health and sobriety.  I've never met this lady and admire her courage, because somewhere along the way she's learned tough love and has put it into action.  Even though he hasn't asked her for money or financial help, she doesn't want to socialize with him while he's under the influence of whatever poison he's putting in his body.

She's a rare species.  Because most family members I deal with are seeking some kind of magic potion that will instantly cure their loved ones without having to do anything painful to them. 

But this woman apparently understands that we addicts will use anyone we can to get whatever we want as long as we're in the grips of our disease.  We'll lie to our children, our wives, our parents, anyone we can take advantage of.  We'll steal from our employers, strangers, or anyone else who's vulnerable.  We'll risk our health, our freedom or sanity for that temporary rush of euphoria our drug of choice brings us.

And the best way to help someone who is caught up in addiction is exactly what this woman did. She and her husband presented a united front by taking a position with someone dear to them. Because they realize that the father has the choice. 

And the choice is his family or the poison that he's putting into his body.

Click here to email John

Thanksgiving

 For those of us in recovery, Thanksgiving day doesn't just happen once a year. We celebrate Thanksgiving each day of our recovery.

When I arise in the morning I awaken to a world of peace and tranquility. While at one time when I got out of bed my first thought was where was I going to get my next drink or drug? Where could I find something to steal to satisfy my drug habit? Which convenience store could I steal a bottle of wine from, so as to get enough courage to go steal something bigger? My life was always a dark place where my only mission was to satisfy my cravings for alcohol and drugs.

But today my mode of living is mostly one of gratitude. Yes, once in a while I'm in a bad place and start to get off track. However, I immediately catch myself and get back in focus. All I have to do is to remember where I came from and what I went through trying to be out of my mind 24 hours a day. And that snaps me back to the reality of the present moment.

Today I plan to spend Thanksgiving in the company of family and friends. Some of them are blood family, others are my recovery family. And I reflect that until I got clean and sober I had none of these people around me. They're good people who care about me and what happens to me. People I can count on.

In the recovery world, we spent a lot of time talking about gratitude. And that's because gratitude puts an invisible shield around us that protects us from the temptations of drugs and alcohol.

Click here to email John

Vigilance during the Holidays

The holiday season, while often seen as a time of joy and celebration, can pose significant challenges for those recovering from addiction. We addicts and alcoholics must remain vigilant during this period due to several factors that can threaten sobriety. 

Increased Stress and Emotional Triggers

The holidays are notorious for increasing stress levels due to various factors such as financial strain, family gatherings, and heightened expectations. For those in recovery, these stressors can act as powerful triggers that may lead to relapse. Emotional triggers, including feelings of loneliness or nostalgia for past holiday experiences involving substance use, can also surface during this time.

Social Pressures and Availability of Substances

Holiday gatherings often involve alcohol and sometimes drugs, which can create a challenging environment for those in recovery. The social pressure to partake in drinking or drug use can be overwhelming, especially when surrounded by friends or family who may not understand the importance of sobriety. The pervasive presence of substances at parties and celebrations increases the risk of relapse for recovering addicts and alcohol. 

Disruption of Routine and Support Systems

The holiday season can disrupt daily routines and support systems that are crucial for maintaining sobriety. Regular attendance at support group meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), may be interrupted by travel or holiday schedules. This disruption can leave us feeling isolated and without the necessary support to navigate the challenges of the season.

Strategies for Maintaining Sobriety

Identify and Avoid Triggers: Recognize situations or emotions that could lead to relapse and plan ways to avoid or manage them.

Lean on Support Networks: Stay connected with sponsors, friends, or support groups who understand the journey of recovery. Attending AA meetings, even while traveling, can provide essential support.

Plan Ahead: Prepare for holiday events by bringing a sober friend or having an exit strategy if the environment becomes too challenging.

Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, and adequate rest.

By staying vigilant and proactive, those of us in recovery can navigate the holiday season successfully while maintaining our sobriety.

Click here to Email John

Getting Along

Can't we all just get along?" Rodney King

Rodney King's appeal to bring calm during the Watts' riots sounds simple. And his words are often quoted today.

I thought of what he said when I heard of a large family that wasn't getting along. In fact, the couple I spoke with left town to be away from the family during the holidays. Their alternative was to stay home and have to deal with the dysfunction.

Often drama like this occurs when some family members are alcoholics or addicts. And that's the case with this family. The non-addicts in the group are the ones who get away because they're tired of the drama.

The alcoholics in the family do their best to manipulate the sober ones. They use the children, the grandchildren, money and business. Anything they can to instill guilt.

But because the couple is tired of the drama, backstabbing, and infighting, they no longer care. They just want to get along - which they know won't happen.

At least until the drinking stops.

Click here to email John

Gratitude

 I often talk of gratitude in this blog because I believe it is one of the greatest characteristics a human can have.  If we are fortunate enough to have gratitude for our circumstances and lives we can be happy and free of stress.

Yet, I know many people who are ungrateful because of something they want but don't have that they feel they deserve.  However, had they been with me once when I crossed into Tijuana, Mexico for an afternoon visit,then they might have changed their thinking. They might have been happy for their present circumstances,

It was like walking into another world.   I immediately realized why it is considered a third world country.  Everywhere one walks beggars are reaching out with open hands, and are grateful for whatever they receive.  Most look as though they hadn't bathed in days.  They wore raggedy clothing, sweat stained, and odorous.

When one feels ungrateful look around and you'll find someone who has less than you, who has more problems and challenges.  I guarantee they are there.

And when you see them you'll know gratitude.

Click here to email John 

Thanksgiving is Near

This is a time of giving thanks. For being grateful for what we have in our lives right now.

Even the history of Thanksgiving is murky and somewhat debatable, starting somewhere around 1621. The core factor is that the celebration evolved from those who were grateful for a successful harvest, for surviving another year, for a new child and other blessings.

For many who live in halfway houses or who are recovering from addiction it can sometimes be difficult to find things to be grateful for. Many of our clients have pasts that led them to use drugs or alcohol to the point where they could no longer function "normally." Many of them took trips to prison, have developed poor health, and have picked up little in the way of job or career skills. Some may have been divorced or lost touch with their family.

Even if you are someone who falls into this category there are still things you can be grateful for. You're alive. And if you're reading this sentence you still have your cognitive skills. Something to be thankful for.

After working in the recovery field for over 32 years, I've seen hundreds of men and women do phenomenal things with their lives. First, they became clean and sober. Then many of them have gone to school, started a business or even gotten married and are raising a family.

As addicts we often feel that we have a natural right to feel good once we get sober. But that's not the case. Life has its ups and downs. It’s as natural to feel good as it is to feel bad.

But when we are living a life of recovery we learn to deal with both negatives and positives of life without reverting to our old friends – drugs or alcohol.

Click here to email John

Gratitude Benefits

I was talking to a recovering client today who told me that she always went back to using drugs or alcohol because she was depressed.

I asked her to tell me about her depression. Had she been suffering from it for a long time? Was there ever a time when she was happy and positive? In her memory, what was the happiest period of her life?

She said that there had been periods when she was happy. But then the happiness seemed to become normal and ordinary and then her depression would creep back.  And she would be off to the liquor store or dope house.

I decided to offer her some suggestions about how to have conversations with herself that would put her life into a more positive trajectory.

Many times people grow up with unrealistic expectations about how life should be. We go to school, get good grades, graduate and expect to land a dream job. But for many people, that scenario doesn't play out.

Instead, they find that it's a tough, competitive job market out there.  And that they're just another face filling out applications. In fact, I often read about college graduates in their thirties still living with their parents because they haven't found a career opportunity in spite of having graduated in the top half of their class.

In this woman's case, she'd been divorced once, was raising a child by herself, and had been successful as a professional person who made a good salary. For a period of time, she had a nice home and car but eventually, drugs and alcohol caused her to lose everything. Plus the state had taken custody of her child until she could prove that she could live a sober life. Which is why she was with us.

I gave her this prescription which I found has helped me and some of our clients to get over bouts of depression. And no, it's not a pill. However, it does require a minimal amount of work. And it goes like this: every morning when you wake up write down five things that you are grateful for.

You might think as you read this that you're not grateful for anything. And that may be true. In fact, the woman who is the subject of this blog asked me what she had to be grateful for. Here she is trapped in this recovery program. She doesn't have her child with her. Her family is angry at her. She doesn't have a car. She's in a minimum wage job at a fast-food restaurant. She's back at the bottom again.

So I asked her to reframe her thinking and stop looking at what she didn't have. Instead, perhaps she should focus on what she did have. And by the look on her face, I could see that I hadn't really reached her. So I continued, asking her why she couldn't see the positive side of her situation right now.

First of all, she is in a safe place where she can focus on her recovery and her psychological issues. Her child is in safe hands. She has a chance to regain custody of her child when she graduates from our program and finds a job and a place to live. She has her freedom, which many addicts have lost because of the crimes they committed while they were using. She is still relatively young and healthy. Her parents are beginning to talk to her again because they see that she's trying to help herself. She's making a few sober friends.

I asked her to start writing a gratitude list every morning for a week, then come back to me with what she had written. She halfheartedly agreed to do it and I told her I was looking forward to see what she came up with.

Many times in life we addicts have a lot of false expectations about how life should be. And therein lies the problem. Because life, if we live it on a daily basis, is an up and down proposition. Everyone on the planet has good days and bad days - some more than others. But if we can develop the perspective that this is just the way life is then we develop resilience and can bounce back much faster when we fall into moments of depression. Any time I start falling into depression I look around me and find someone who's life is a much bigger mess than mine or who is much less fortunate than I. And when I do that I

suddenly back on track.

Click here to email John

Escaping Pain

When I first entered recovery 33 years ago I just wanted the pain to stop. I had no real plans beyond that. Just stop the pain.

There were no grandiose ideas about getting back into the business world. Once more becoming a top salesman. Having a nice apartment. A great income. A sports car. A relationship. None of that. It was about escaping the painful life I was living. That was all.

But after a few months in a halfway house I knew I had to do something with my life. I had a young daughter to provide for. Back child support to pay. Amends to make.

But I wanted to do more than make a living. I'd done that most of my life. But it didn't keep me sober. I needed to have meaning - a purpose - for being alive.

And I needed to do something that was compatible with my recovery. A former employer had hired me back and was paying me survival wages. But my heart was no longer in the corporate realm.

So I decided to start a small recovery program on the side. Maybe a few houses with fifty or so beds. Sort of an avocation to keep me involved with what was - and is - important in life. Living sober.

And I bring this up because a client gave me a card a few days ago - thanking me for starting TLC. It was a nice card, containing gratitude and sentiment. And I appreciated it. It sort of portrayed me as self-sacrificing, as more giving than I was at the time.

But the truth is that I started this program to save myself. And it has worked - I've stayed pain-free and sober 33 years.

The fact that others also got help over the years is an additional blessing. An unexpected result of a drug addict trying to escape the cycle of pain and misery.

Click here to email John