Depression?

I was talking to a recovering client today who told me that she always went back to using drugs or alcohol because she was depressed.

I asked her to tell me about her depression. Had she been suffering from it for a long time? Was there ever a time when she was happy and positive? In her memory, what was the happiest period of her life?

She said that there had been periods when she was happy. But then the happiness seemed to become normal and ordinary, and then her depression would creep back.  And she would be off to the liquor store or dope house.

I decided to offer her some suggestions about how to have conversations with herself that would put her life into a more positive trajectory.

People often grow up with unrealistic expectations about how life should be. We go to school, get good grades, graduate, and expect to land a dream job. But for many people, that scenario doesn't play out.

Instead, they find that it's a tough, competitive job market out there.  And that they're just another face filling out applications. In fact, I often read about college graduates in their thirties still living with their parents because they haven't found a career opportunity in spite of having graduated in the top half of their class.

In this woman's case, she'd been divorced once, was raising a child by herself, and had been successful as a professional person who made a good salary. For a period of time, she had a nice home and car but eventually, drugs and alcohol caused her to lose everything. Plus the state had taken custody of her child until she could prove that she could live a sober life. Which is why she was with us.

I gave her this prescription which I found has helped me and some of our clients to get over bouts of depression. And no, it's not a pill. However, it does require a minimal amount of work. And it goes like this: every morning when you wake up, write down five things that you are grateful for.

You might think as you read this that you're not grateful for anything. And that may be true. In fact, the woman who is the subject of this blog asked me what she had to be grateful for. Here she is trapped in this recovery program. She doesn't have her child with her. Her family is angry at her. She doesn't have a car. She's in a minimum wage job at a fast-food restaurant. She's back at the bottom again.

So I asked her to reframe her thinking and stop looking at what she didn't have. Instead, perhaps she should focus on what she did have. And by the look on her face, I could see that I hadn't really reached her. So I continued, asking her why she couldn't see the positive side of her situation right now.

First of all, she is in a safe place where she can focus on her recovery and her psychological issues. Her child is in safe hands. She has a chance to regain custody of her child when she graduates from our program and finds a job and a place to live. She has her freedom, which many addicts have lost because of the crimes they committed while they were using. She is still relatively young and healthy. Her parents are beginning to talk to her again because they see that she's trying to help herself. She's making a few sober friends.

I asked her to start writing a gratitude list every morning for a week, then come back to me with what she had written. She halfheartedly agreed to do it and I told her I was looking forward to see what she came up with.

Many times in life, we addicts have a lot of false expectations about how life should be. And therein lies the problem. Because life, if we live it daily, is an up-and-down proposition. Everyone on the planet has good days and bad days - some more than others. But if we can develop the perspective that this is just the way life is, then we build resilience and can bounce back much faster when we fall into moments of depression. Any time I start falling into depression, I look around me and find someone whose life is a much bigger mess than mine or who is much less fortunate than I. And when I do that, I immediately get back on track.

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Be Here Today

A while back I dealt with a client who had a severe case of anxiety. He had trouble sleeping. He had trouble relaxing. He spent a great deal of time looking into the future, or dwelling in the past.

And like many of the addicts in our program he had the perfect solution for his anxiety: he would bury it with drugs or alcohol until he passed out. The only problem is that he had to wake up the next day and start all over again. This regimen didn't work out very well for him because eventually he lost his job, his marriage, his automobile, and the home that he lived in for seven years.

As I got better acquainted with him I learned that he had been treated poorly as a child. But instead of blaming those who mistreated him, he blamed himself for the bad things that happened to him. And of course that affected his self-worth. When in school he got poor grades. He ended up hanging with other students who had similar experience to his. He had found a clique of drug addicts to whom he could relate and who accepted him just as he was. And because of his association with them he eventually ended up in juvenile hall and then jail. And for the next 20 years he spent a lot of time associating with people like him and ultimately returning to jail or prison.

During my sessions with him I was able to help him understand that he could do nothing about the past. Nor could he really plan a future. But something that he would be able to do that would bring him some happiness and peace was to learn how to live in the moment. It took a while for me to help him understand that the only thing he had control over was this moment. And when he spent his time in the past or the future he was wasting a lot of the brief time that we all have here on earth.

After a while his anxiety went away because he began to grasp the concepts that I was teaching him about living in the moment. Someone taught me that concept a long time ago. And when I'm able to share it with others who begin to use it in their lives I feel like I'm helping someone learn how precious each moment of our life is.

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All in the Mind

 "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." Mark Twain

The line above has been one of my favorite sayings ever since I got sober in 1991.

Why?  Because it summarizes in a short sentence the addict's dilemma. 

For years I was ruled by my emotions:  mostly frustration and anger.  And the way I overcame those things was to bury them with drugs and alcohol.  And that worked, of course, until it didn't and my life became a trainwreck.

But stop and think about how many catastrophes we've been through in our lives that later turned out to only be our fear-based thinking.  So-called thinking that caused us to make rash decisions based solely upon how we felt at the time.

So, how do we escape these fears and anxieties that cause us to make terrible decisions, feelings that sometimes cause us to think that life is really unbearable?

Well, I've found that one way is to pay attention to our thinking and realize that our thoughts most of the time have little basis in reality - especially when it comes to our fears about what might occur in the future.

Another means of escape is to learn to live in this moment.  And realize that life is a journey and not a destination where we'll find a life that is without problems.

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Repetition

 When one writes a blog about recovery it might seem as if the subject matter becomes somewhat repetitious after a while. After all, this blog has over three thousand three hundred entries - and surely I've covered the same subject a number of times.

But when one stands back and takes a look at it, recovery is a lifestyle that must become repetitious if it's to succeed in the long term.  And even though we talk in 12-step meetings about "one day at a time," if we repeat these sober days one after the other we soon will have a few years - then even decades.

The reality of recovery is that it must be repetitious.  There can be no breaks.  No days off to imbibe our favorite beverage or smoke a joint.  That is, unless we want to start over.

There are times when I have to dig deep to find a topic that is different from the one I wrote about before.  But I've found that it's okay to write about the same thing because staying sober is a daily project for those of us who want to succeed.  And we must repeat the things that have kept us sober thus far.

Does that mean we must attend a 12-step meeting each day?  Not necessarily.  But it does mean that we must stay in touch with who we are.  By that, I mean we must stay in touch with our emotions as much as possible.  We can't walk around full of anger, or sadness, or depression without eventually addressing it.

And the AA literature has many examples of how we successfully navigate the tough times that everyone experiences at some point or the other. Even if you've read the Big Book 20 times you can always learn something new.So, we keep repeating what has worked.  

And as we do that we find fulfilling lives.

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Loving them to Death

A lot of people don't understand or are in denial about how they support the addictions of their children and family members.

I've been managing one of the largest drug programs in Arizona for 34 years. And people ask over and over how they can help their loved one kick a habit. And the first thing I tell them is to stop supporting their habit.

"Oh, we don't," they usually reply. "We told him we don't want him doing that kind of stuff. We get angry when he doesn't listen. We cut off help. We threaten to quit talking to him if he doesn't get help."

But when I start digging deeper I find out that's not necessarily the case. Maybe they don't give them money. But I ask them to take an inventory of what they do give him. Do they let him sleep on the couch because he's lost his apartment? Do they feed him? Do they do his laundry? Do they buy him cigarettes? Do they give him rides to strange neighborhoods? Do they give him pocket money?

I'm a person who used heroin and other opiates for about 38 years. And alcohol for 42 years. And as long as people would enable me with any kind of help at all I used them to support my habit.

It was only when my dear mother, God bless her soul, said she was giving me no more help until I got sober and clean that I began to change. And I mean she cut me off cold. And I was very angry, but she didn't care. She was tired of seeing me dying from drugs and alcohol. She wouldn't feed me. She wouldn't buy me cigarettes. She wouldn't even let me sleep in her toolshed. And I thought she was cruel and had no understanding. Why had she turned so mean?

But see, when people quit helping me, that's when I began to change. When I could no longer borrow money, or bum rides, or get any kind of help I began to change. At first, I thought the world had turned against me and that everyone was just becoming downright evil. That they had no understanding of my substance abuse problem and my abusive upbringing.

But when people stopped helping me, that's when I changed. It took a while for people to notice.  But when they did see those changes then they began to give me real help. They saw me planning businesses. They saw me going to work. They saw me going to twelve-step meetings. They weren't stupid. They realized that I was trying to do something with my life and they gave me 100% encouragement which made me want to continue to do even better. That's the only kind of help to give an addict: get behind him or her 100% when you see that they're really making motions to change their life. And when they stop trying to change their life once again that's when you quit helping.

But too many people have the idea that their loved one will no longer like or love them. That their relationship will somehow fall apart. So they continue to help them no matter what. And that's why I gave this blog the title "Loving Them to Death."

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More Gratitude

Gratitude has been a frequent topic over the past 3300 plus days I’ve been writing this blog.   It’s also a buzzword around TLC.  Maybe to the point of becoming cliche.   It's looked upon as a panacea – a powerful tool in our recovery arsenal.

We tout it in 12-step meetings as the cornerstone of recovery.   After all, we hear, it’s hard to relapse when we have gratitude for what we have today.

Further to this, my experience is that those who’ve been sober for multiple years regularly express gratitude. For what?  Actually for nearly everything.  Another day sober.   For our freedom.   Our jobs.  Our friends and loved ones.  The list is long – and sometimes includes the most mundane aspects of our lives.

Gratitude is the one secret I share with newcomers when they wonder how to live sober.

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I am the Culprit

I had an impromptu meeting with a client the other day who said that for some reason she was always angry. And when I asked what she was angry about, she told me that it was because she was in a halfway house. That the DPS had her child. That even after seven years of using, she hadn't been able to stop. That she had virtually no education. That she had little job experience. She had no car. And had no savings.

And when I asked her who was responsible for all the things she didn't have that seemed important to her she readily admitted that that she was responsible. She said that she had tried and tried many times to get clean and sober but was unable to do so. I asked her why?

She said she wasn't sure. But what would happen is she would get frustrated with her situation and knew the way to feel better really fast was to find a bag of heroin. So I asked her, that if she knew the answer to her dilemma what was the problem with following through? And she shrugged her shoulders and said she really didn't know.

But I told her that I knew the answer, even though I just met her. And what I told her is really the core truths that all of us addicts deal with: we don't quit using until we get enough pain and misery. And the more we use, the more pain and misery we accumulate.

I shared my story with her, about how I got sober 34 years ago. I was homeless. I was broke. I did shoplifting and other kinds of thefts every day to get enough money to exchange for heroin and alcohol. 

I sometimes stole a car just so I would have a place to sleep. Once in a while I would get lucky and steal enough to rent a room in a cheap motel for a night or two. But the reality is that my life was totally miserable. I was at a crossroads. I was either going to end up in a mental hospital, back in prison, or dead. And that's when I knew I had enough misery and needed to work on getting sober. Like this client that I'm talking about I already knew who was responsible for my anger and what I had to do to stop being angry.

Sometimes I like to write about things like this because many of us addicts and alcoholics forget who the cause of our problems really is. I remember a cartoon character named Pogo from many years ago and in the cartoon strip he was standing in front of a mirror and saying "I have met the enemy. And it is me." 

And that line has always stuck with me because I know that no matter what goes wrong in my life 99.9% of the time I am the enemy. And when I leave other people out of the equation and look clearly at myself I know that I have met the cause of my problems. Do I still get angry? Yes. And do I know who is responsible?  Yes.  But If I don't know, all I have to do is look in the mirror and there is the culprit.

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Gratitude is Healthy

Gratitude is often a default topic at 12 step meetings. And many say it is harder to relapse if one has gratitude for whatever life has brought us. And now a mainstream study cites further benefits of being grateful.

This excerpt from an October 20, 20ll press release from the University of Kentucky cites a study on the subject of grateful people:

“Grateful people aren't just kinder people, according to UK College of Arts & Sciences psychology Professor Nathan DeWall. They are also less aggressive.

DeWall proves his point with five studies on gratitude as a trait and as a fleeting mood, discovering that giving thanks lowers daily aggression, hurt feelings and overall sensitivity. 

"If you count your blessings, you're more likely to empathize with other people," said the researcher who is more well-known for studying factors that increased aggression. "More empathic people are less aggressive."

Gratitude motivates people to express sensitivity and concern for others and stimulates pro-social behavior, according to DeWall. Although gratitude increases mental well-being, it was unknown whether gratitude reduced aggression.

DeWall and his colleagues conducted cross-sectional, longitudinal, experience sampling, and experimental studies with more than 900 undergraduate students to show that gratitude is linked to lower aggression.

"We tried to triangulate on this phenomenon in as many different ways as we could," said DeWall, who tested the effects of gratitude both inside and outside of the lab.

The study, found in Social Psychological and Personality Science, links gratitude to "a nonviolent heart," with those less inclined to aggression.

Across all, there was "converging support for the hypothesis that gratitude is an antidote to aggression," according to DeWall. The relationship proved consistent even after controlling for general positive emotion.

"We know that grateful people are nice people," said DeWall. "But this is the first study to really show that they're not very aggressive either."

You don't have to be a naturally appreciative person to experience these effects, either.

"I wanted to bust the myth that only certain people are grateful," DeWall said. "Gratitude is an equal opportunity emotion that causes lower levels of aggression."

An activity as basic as writing a letter or mentally counting your blessings can be enough to decrease aggression.

"Take a step back, and look at what you've got," said DeWall. "Don't spend every waking moment being grateful, but one time a week definitely increases your well-being over time. And if you get bad news—you're given a shot that protects you."

DeWall's findings have broad applications and can inform interventions aimed at reducing interpersonal aggression and anger."

This article isn’t going to increase my level of gratitude but it’s nice to have science in our corner.

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Life goes On

 A speaker at last Sunday's 12-step meeting said something to the effect that "life goes on."In her near 15 years of sobriety she's experienced loss of family, sickness, marriage, and other setbacks. Yet none of this has driven her to pick up another drink.

And her central point – that life goes on – is a truism for all of us in recovery. Some in new recovery have the naive idea that life becomes a bed of roses when they get sober.

But that's not the case. We'll all encounter challenges, as this woman did. But when we’re sober - instead of becoming so devastated we pick up alcohol or drugs – we have the tools to deal with issues.

Newcomers sometimes react to challenges by drinking or drugging because they haven’t figured out how to put the tools in action.

Those who us who succeed use the steps when facing life's challenges. We may be jobless. We may have rough times with our children – or our jobs. We know life brings myriad challenges. We expect some adversity, but don’t let it get us down.

We practice the principles of the program in all our affairs – especially with emotional things. And if we're lucky we get to the other side still sober.

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Recovered vs. Recovering

 At times I've heard people use the term I am a "recovered" alcoholic. Or a "recovered" addict.

But really, that's a misuse of the term "recovered." And I say this because I learned a long time ago that for us addicts and alcoholics there is no such thing as being "recovered." I understand what people mean when they use "recovered" this way.

But the correct way to use the term is recovery. Not recovered. Because even though they mean to say that they are in recovery when they use the term recovered the words have a distinction that is very important. Recovered means that we have arrived at the state of sobriety. And recovery means that we're in the process of recovery and we will never arrive at a time where there is an appropriate use of the word recovered.

Being in recovery means that we are living a certain kind of life. Usually, one that we learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book, the fellowship, the sponsor–sponsee relationship are all part of the process of being in recovery. And the things that I just mentioned are part of a process – not a place where we sit on our laurels and say that finally we have arrived and we no longer have to take any action.

Being in recovery means that we have a toolkit that has been given to us through the generosity of  Alcoholics Anonymous. And, other than the Big Book itself, all of these tools that have been given to us describe a kind of behavior that we practice as members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among these behaviors are making amends when we do something untoward to another person. Another behavior is giving our recovery to others who need our help. Another behavior is sitting alongside someone who is having a rough time understanding what this recovery is all about, explaining the process of recovery to them.

The term recovery – used in the place of "recovered" – signifies action. It signifies that we're following a certain path in life that will help us remain sober and clean.

To put it more simply, recovery means action. And recovered means that there's nothing else we need to do to stay sober – something that's a fallacy in most cases.

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About Recovering Employees

Running a business with so-called “normal” people has plenty of challenges. Running a corporation totally staffed with recovering substance abusers – as at TLC - can at times be much more difficult.

At a regular company the most common motivation for working is for a paycheck. But at a company like TLC money is not the key motivation.

Instead staying clean and sober takes precedence. It’s about saving our lives and escaping the demons of our past. It’s about not walking the big yard for years. About not seeing the looks of disappointment on the faces of our loved ones. It’s about returning to school. About rebuilding our mental and physical health.

Working with employees in recovery, however, requires patience and understanding. The reason being that just become someone’s gotten sober doesn’t’ mean they’re all of a sudden emotionally healthy.

Egos and territoriality come into play. We addicts are often emotionally fragile. Our self-esteem is in shambles. And sometimes that affects our relationships with our co-workers.

So how do we work with employees in recovery? Mostly we use the tools of recovery that we learn in 12-step meetings.

We ask them to look beyond pettiness and to the larger mission: which is to rebuild our lives and recover from substance abuse. We ask them to remember what it says in the recovery literature about not fighting anyone or anything. We ask them to forget small differences that might interfere with our efforts to change our lives.

And it’s worked for over 34 years.

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Living with Anxiety

 "I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free." Thich Nhat Hanh

A manager talks to me about being in overwhelming anxiety. He's concerned about his job performance. He's afraid he might be replaced by someone else. He's riddled with fear.

I explained to him that none of those thoughts are real, just ideas that are popping up in his brain. That they have no basis in reality because we haven't had any plans to replace him.

I go on to explain that our anxiety is a natural part of our genetic inheritance. Maybe 100 generations ago, when his ancestors lived on the plains or in the jungles of Africa anxiety was a natural state of being. Those who didn't have concerns about what was hiding behind the next bush or rock might easily become a predator's next victim. Our ancestors, those who handed us our genetic blueprint, survived only because they were wary and fear-based. In some respects, anxiety could have been looked upon as a survival tool.

Today many of us, addicts and non-addicts, experience anxiety. But it's mostly anxiety that's conjured up in our brain. The anxiety we experience today is not an immediate threat to our existence, but too much of it can disrupt our happiness and peace of mind. It can lead to bad health and other physical problems.

Those who come to me with anxiety are those who are always peering into the future, imagining that something dire is about to happen. And even though it's all in their head they sometimes are so worked up that they're on the edge of panic.

My prescription for those who are in this state of mind is always the same: eat well, exercise, and above all – practice mindful meditation.

And I emphasize meditation because the longer we practice the more we free ourselves from our tangled thinking. Meditation helps us realize that our fearful thoughts are not real, just illusions that pass through our minds in sometimes endless streams. And they appear without our help, just as they will pass through our minds and disappear without our help. As we meditate, we observe them and accept them without judgment. 

And as strange as it seems, after a short period of practice our thinking begins to change and our thoughts are not the threatening monsters that used to keep us in a state of unrest.

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Responsible Now

For years I played the blame game.  Everything was someone else's fault.  The easiest thing for me to do was shrug my shoulders like I had no responsibility at all.

I used drugs for years because my father was a raging alcoholic who beat everyone and everything around him.  I did lousy in school because of my home life.  It seemed like I was a burden to my family and I never received nurturing at home.  Just criticism and abuse.

And while all of these things were true about my childhood and caused me to grow up full of pain, it also caused me to spend years mired in addiction and alcoholism.  Jails.  Divorces.  Bankruptcies. Accidents.  My life was a trainwreck.

It was only when I became homeless after losing everything for the umpteenth time that I decided to change.  I was so full of pain that I was either going to change or die. And at that juncture, I decided I wanted to live up to my potential and be someone different.

And I did become someone different.  I surrendered my past, joined the 12-step programs and went to work in the recovery field.

At first, I couldn't believe how good I felt and how life started to flow for me.  Thirty-four years later I enjoy blessings in my life.  All of the promises continue to come true for me.

But it only happened when I accepted the past and started living in today.

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Living with Kindness

 "You never know what people are going through. Be kind. Always." Unknown

A while back I was in a bank with a business associate. We were there to modify a business account and were being helped by a banker who was having difficulty finding the necessary paperwork.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, seeming somewhat frustrated. "I've been out of the office for a couple of weeks and have to get used to where everything is again."

"No problem," I replied. "How was your vacation?"

"I wish I'd been on vacation," she replied. Then she explained that she'd been home for two weeks because her teenage son was seriously injured when a truck T-boned the car he was in. He was bedridden and she was the only one available to care for him.

I immediately felt compassion for her and silently chided myself for feeling somewhat impatient.

While filling out the paperwork, we continued talking. She revealed that not only did she have to deal with her son's recuperation, but she also had a son with Down's syndrome and a daughter who was being treated for leukemia.

My associate commented that she really seemed to be able to keep her self together, considering the challenges she was facing.

The banker replied that it wasn't easy. She said that sometimes on her 30-mile drive home she'd cry all the way, then put on a happy face before entering the house to take care of her husband and children.

As we concluded our business and left the bank I realized that I need to cultivate an attitude of kindness toward others at all times. In traffic. When I'm in a hurry. When I'm dealing with business people who don't seem to know what they're doing. Whenever I'm dealing with anyone, I need to show them kindness.

Because, as the encounter with this banker showed me, we never know the challenges and problems others are facing. We never know when they've gotten bad news about their health. Or they are having issues with their spouse or children. Maybe they just lost their job or a relative. We just never know.  That's why it pays to always be kind - whether we feel like it or not.

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In the Moment

Here and now is a place where things are manageable.  I can get up today to work, even if I'm not sure I could do it for the rest of my life.  The pain in my back might be severe today.  But is it going to stay with me from now on?  Today I may be broke, or not have a job.  But will this always be the case?

If I stay present, I face life in manageable chunks.  If I speculate about a problematic future, I might become overwhelmed to the point of picking up a drink or drug.

If I'm managing an archaeological expedition through the wreckage of my years of drinking and drugging and being irresponsible and abusing I might get lost and never get back to today.  Living in today, I don't need to open the door and enter that tunnel to my dark past.  Instead, I stay in today, where the light of the moment shines upon my activities and keeps me focused on what's real.

The idea of living in today did not originate with the framers of the 12-step programs.  Eastern religions for centuries have taught the value of focusing upon this minute, this moment, this second that we've been given.

Regardless of where it came from, the concept of living a day at a time teaches us that life is manageable - something each of us in recovery can use to our benefit.

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Needing a Drink

When I stopped at Circle K for my morning coffee, a disheveled, bearded man appeared to be sleeping on the sidewalk next to the building. As I left my car and started into the store, though, he opened one eye and asked if I had any change.

Not now, I told him.  But that I might have some when I come out of the store.  When I came back he was waiting expectantly, but the only change I had was a five-dollar bill.  After wrestling with myself for a minute I decided to give it to him.  After all, he looked like he was hurting and could use a drink.  And that five dollar bill might get him a small bottle of Vodka, enough to at least carry him for a couple of hours.

While I rarely bummed money for a drink because it was faster to steal it, I certainly could relate to what he was going through.  Because there was a period of my life when I was never far from a bottle.  Even when I was using heroin I always had a beer or other beverage close by.

I felt some pity for the man because help was available.  Some programs will take him in immediately - whether he has money or not.  But 34 years of experience working with alcoholics has taught me that until an alcoholic or addict has had enough pain and suffering they won't quit.  When life becomes miserable then we stop - unless we die first.

As I drove away I had a moment of gratitude.  Because had I not reached a point of pain that had become intolerable I might have found myself panhandling outside a convenience store instead of living sober for over 34 years.

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What's Important?

 When addicts are serious about recovery they're not too concerned about amenities. Oh yeah, having a fancy place to recover that's like a nice resort is great.

But the environment is secondary for those of us who came in broke. We're happy to have a bed and something to eat. A place to shower. Someplace to be while we put our lives back together.

When I got clean in 1991 my first stop after 11 days of detox was a halfway house in Mesa, Arizona. I had no job. No car. And literally the clothes on my back.

They gave me a room with three other guys new to recovery. The mattress was thin and old. There wasn't a box spring, just a sheet of plywood under the mattress.

They had the same breakfast every morning - milk and cereal. No lunch. And a hot meal in the evening.

But because I had no place to turn I was grateful to those who ran the place. They took me in with no money and provided the basics. They had me attending meetings, both at the house and in the community. It was a good recovery environment.

They let me in without money. And I'm still impressed that someone would offer a homeless addict this kind of help. And with no guarantee they'd get paid.

I've learned over the past 25 years that those who are serious about recovery will go to any lengths. The living conditions aren't important - the recovery atmosphere is everything.

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Karma

 One of the interesting things about my job is how surprised we are when clients act just like we used to.

A while back we hired a couple of clients for management positions. And they had all the credentials. They were grateful to be sober. They were happy to be given a position where they could help others. They could use a computer with some skill. One of them had done a little prison time. Like I said, they had the qualifications for the job.

However, within a couple of weeks we found out who they really were. We learned within a short time they were stealing from other clients, from TLC, getting high, and in general acting like many of us behaved before we got here.

Since this hadn't happened in a while, I was a little taken aback. But I knew I had no one to blame but myself. After all, I approved the decision to hire them on a probationary basis. Still, it's kind of a let down when we open our doors and welcome people - only to have them rip us off.

Now I know how all those people who trusted me must have felt when I returned their kindness with the kind of treachery an addict can sometimes give in return.

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It's not about Material

 In the nearly 34 years TLC has been in existence we've had thousands of addicts and alcoholics graduate our program.  And many have become quite successful after leaving.

Some have married and are raising children.  Others have gotten college degrees.  In fact, one recently sent me a video of him receiving his Doctorate.   Another graduate has a quality remodeling business in a nearby state that he has operated for several years. He also is married and has teenage children.  I'm proud of their success.

I know of many others who are succeeding in life.  I only mention these two examples, because I periodically am in contact with them.  And they are handling their success quite well and are examples to those around them - especially to other addicts.

I bring this up today because in the thirty-four years I've stayed sober I have also become financially successful by saving my money and making long-term investments in real estate.  At 85, I work six days a week, stay healthy, and help others have an opportunity to achieve recovery and find a new way of living.

Despite my success, I don't live lavishly. I live in an average 2200-square-foot home. My one luxury is a 2022 S Model Tesla that I lease. I buy most of my clothing at Walmart, Kohl's, or Old Navy. I don't find much satisfaction in luxury items, though I can afford them.

I've had associates ask me why I don't buy a bigger house or get this or that model of fancy car.  But to feel good about myself I don't need those things. I tell them that people aren't going to like me any better if I have a 5,000 square foot house, wear expensive watches, and buy my clothes from Nordstrom's. 

I'd rather invest in three or four personal vacations a year.  I invest in good experiences and memories.

And I suggest to those who leave the program and become successful to remember where they came from. I ask them to show gratitude for their success and be generous to others. Because helping others is one of the great satisfactions in life.

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Not enough Pain

 A woman calls to get into our halfway houses and is given the phone number for an intake. However, she cut the interview short because, as she said later, "They kept asking me questions."

Apparently she wasn't okay with giving us information about her drug and alcohol history. She felt the intake process was "invasive."

Her attitude is characteristic of some of us before we get clean. Many of us get to recovery because others might be pushing us. Because we're doing the world a favor we're not willing to put up with frustration of any kind.

My suspicion is that this woman hasn't reached bottom yet, hasn't had enough pain. Because when we're hurting and someone reaches out with free help we take it. And without question.

Hopefully she'll get enough pain to bring her into recovery before she gets into serious trouble.

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Expect Change

I try to live by a saying I once heard:  “The only thing in life we can really count is change.”   That things will be different tomorrow.  We don’t know what to expect tomorrow.

So what’s the benefit of that?  Well, for one thing when bad things happen we’re not surprised. Or depressed.  Or angry.

We learn to roll with the punches.  To accept the good with the bad.  Knowing that tomorrow we might win the lottery.  Or lose our job.  Or become overwhelmed by a pandemic.  We don’t know what’s coming next. 

So what’s the point?  The point is that we learn to live in the here and now.  To enjoy this moment of our lives.  Because this is the moment God gave us.  That this slice of time is all we can count on.

If we learn to expect change then we can be truly happy.

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Anxiety about the Future

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future but from wanting to control it."  Kahlil Gibran

Many of us, especially those of us in the addict population, spend a lot of time gazing anxiously into the cloudy future. We wonder if we're going to get our family back. Will our old boss give us another chance? And what about my parole officer? Is he going to let me continue on parole or send me back to prison? Am I going to get my life back after I spent so much time tearing it down? On and on rolls our magnifying mind.

But the saying at the beginning of this blog sums it up: it's not the thinking of the future that creates anxiety for us. It's because we want to control what might happen to us.

Thinking we can control how the future unfolds wastes the precious moments of our lives. Life happens to all of us, to everyone all over the world. Life is an unpredictable and precarious place, no matter who we are or what our background.

A better attitude – if we must look into the future at all – is to accept our life as it unfolds. That means we enjoy the present moment. The breeze on our face. Time with our friends. Our drive to work. The idea that we live in a mostly secure country, despite news to the contrary.

And we must rid ourselves of fear, for fear is what makes us want to control the future. Most of our time traveling to the future involves avoiding pain and insecurity. Rarely is our fantasy of the future about how wonderful and rich it might be - and often is.

We find our safe place while savoring the moment, being mindful of the present.

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Pursuit of Happiness

Have you ever been in a situation in your life where you thought that if things just changed you'd be happy?

I know this happens, not just to us addicts and alcoholics, but to the world at large. If I just get this job I'll be happy. If I just find the love of my life then I'll be happy. This new car or new house will complete my life. Or if I get to go on this vacation everything will be just fine.

But don't you see the problem here? If we are always in this mode of sitting around and waiting for the next good thing to happen then our life is always on hold.

Because, if we're always sitting and waiting for the next best thing then as soon as we get it how long will we enjoy it? The new car starts getting a few dings in it and trash in the back seat. Pretty soon it's a year old and one of the neighbors has bought a newer model or more expensive car and all of a sudden your love affair with your new car is over. It wasn't quite the fix you thought it would be.

Same with finding the love of your life. The first six months are a honeymoon. A love affair out of a movie. But then we start seeing that the person we love is just another ordinary human being with all the faults and character defects other human beings have.

And maybe that vacation that we fantasize about and were saving money for wasn't all that great. Maybe it rained. Maybe you lost your luggage. Maybe you missed your flight. In any case the memories you return home with weren't very memorable in a positive way.

The point is if we live our lives with the idea that we'll really be happy when we arrive at the next best thing, the next goal or amount of money or job or whatever we're seeking then we aren't living our life in the moment or living our life today. We're living in suspended animation as the minutes and hours and days pass by with us waiting for what we think will make us happy.

But the reality is that nothing will make us happy if that's the way we travel. Because happiness only happens in this moment, not in the future. So the remedy is to keep focused on here and now because this little slice of time is all that God has given us and all that we can count on. It's impossible to be happy in the future today. And it's such a waste of the precious moments we have on this planet.

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Anger Punishes

 "You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger"  Buddha

Anger's an acceptable emotion for some in early recovery.  It sends a clear message that pushes others away.  At the same time it raises blood pressure, creates stress and turmoil, and halts effective communication.  Carried to an extreme it may result in violence.

In the early days, so many TLC clients were angry that we started an anger management class for newcomers.  Clients don't move to the next level until they complete the class.

The Buddha was correct when he said we're punished, not for our anger, but by our anger.  I've never seen a good outcome when one becomes angry.  Even though it's a common weapon in the arsenal of those who've been locked up or who've lived in the streets.

A more effective tool in dealing with others is kindness and compassion. Yes, once in a while someone might think I'm a chump or a pushover because I'm nice. But who cares? Never once have I gotten in trouble by being kind or compassionate.

My experience is that peace and kindness bring us good karma.

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Using Time

 All of a sudden we turn around and February is staring us in the face.

What happened to our New Year’s resolutions? You know. The ones about not smoking? Or losing weight? Or starting school? Or completing your 4th Step?

Oh? Too busy? Life got busy? Maybe you’ve joined the millions who spend hours a week in front of the television or playing video games.

So what’s wrong with that? Nothing at all if done in moderation. But most of us - especially us addicts. - don’t understand the concept of moderation.

Until we're a few years deeper into recovery,  balance, and moderation aren't part of our routine.  Many of us are still in the "more is better mode" and we waste much of our time doing little that's productive.

Even though it seems obvious, time is the one thing that - once wasted - we can never regain.  

We should treasure our time like the gift it is and use it wisely.  Does that mean we should always be working and not savoring life?  Of course not.  But we also shouldn't squander it as though we have an endless supply.

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34 Years Sober

It's amazing how we can change our lives if we just make a decision to do so. I say this, because 34 years ago last month I was sitting on a park bench wondering what I was going to do with my life.

I was homeless. I was addicted to heroin and alcohol. I was sleeping in a stolen car. I had no money, no insurance, and no plans about how I was going to live my life. I was totally demoralized and sick and tired of the way I was living. I had no family or friends who wanted to speak to me. They'd given up.

While sitting on that bench I realized that I had a few choices. I could keep doing what I was doing and end up back in prison, in a hospital, a mental institution, or I could go into a detoxification unit and get sober. After sitting there for some time I decided to try to change my life by getting sober. So I located a detoxification center on Bellevue St. in Mesa, Arizona on January 9, 1992. Even though I had no money or insurance, they accepted me. They kept me there for 11 days, until I no longer had a craving and I was no longer sick. Then they found a local halfway house a few blocks away that would accept me without funds. And that's how I began my journey into recovery.

When I went in that halfway house it was with the idea that I would stay about 30 days. Then I would leave, find an apartment, and begin living like other people. But after I was there 30 days I realized that  wasn't nearly enough time for me to get my life together. I discussed the issue with my sponsor and he suggested I stay six months and get a really solid footing in recovery. So for a change, I listened to someone else's advice, someone who had more experience than I did with recovery, and made a commitment to stay six months.

But even at six months, I realized that I didn't have the solid footing that I felt I needed. So without even discussing it with my sponsor I made a decision on my own to stay in the program a full year before I went out of my own. During the last six months of that stay in the halfway house I went to work for them as a house manager. I enjoyed that kind of work and because I like to help people, I thought I might start a halfway house of my own after I had more experience.

I won't burden you with all the details and hassles I went through to secure my first three houses after I had a year sober. I will tell you that it was scary to take that first step and that the first year was really a bitch. But after the first year things started flowing a little more smoothly and when a few years passed I had a program with over 300 residents in it. In the 33 years since I got sober I've been blessed by being able to help many people do the same thing. And I've also had the sad experience of seeing many people leave our program before the miracle happened and end up overdosing or dying of alcoholism.

I share this with you to let you know that we have choices in our life. And if we take the time to think about what we want to do we might make the right choice.

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Ideas of Change

To alcoholics and addicts the idea of change can be daunting. Any kind of change raises the specter of insecurity. Because many of us are fear-based, we often look at change as though it will bring something negative into our lives. But change can also bring positive things in our life. In fact. Nothing positive or negative comes into our life without change.

My present wonderful circumstances came from what many would rightfully consider a very negative situation. Around 30 years ago I was in the midst of a devastating addiction to heroin, alcohol, and any other drugs I could get my hands on. I was homeless, I was stealing to make a living, to survive. I was totally demoralized and life looked bleak. Because I had been arrested many times I knew that if I were arrested again I would spend a long term inside. I didn't know where to turn.

Even though I feared the change that was about to come in my into my life I decided to get sober. Why did I fear this change? I feared it because I had never lived sober and been happy. The only sobriety I had experienced was when I was locked up in a jail cell or in a hospital ward. It seemed like I was always trying to drown my pain with alcohol or drugs. I was raised in an alcoholic family and it seemed like the only way I could overcome the experiences of my childhood was to immerse myself in alcohol and heroin. Even though using drugs and alcohol had put me in jail for over 15 years, being drunk or high somehow seemed a safe alternative. I was unwilling to deal with the painful experiences of my childhood.

So the idea of getting sober was almost overwhelming. In retrospect, I look back and see how other people probably viewed me. They might have looked at me as someone who didn't have the courage to face themselves. I'm certain that they didn't understand my addictions or all the problems I had staying out of jail and living sober. I know that my parents and my ex-wives probably just thought I was crazy. My addictions became so difficult for them that they became unwilling to have me around. I was no longer welcome in their lives and they told me to go elsewhere.

The idea of changing my life and getting sober was daunting to me. I was facing the biggest change in my entire life. I was finally ready to admit that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. I walked through my denial and finally admitted that I had no power over any kind of substance. That was a big change.

For some reason the hardest part of the change was simply admitting that I had a problem. However, my life has been getting progressively better since I admitted my problem. Slowly my health came back. The legal problems I was facing went away. I started out in sobriety walking, taking buses, riding bicycles. But eventually I was able to get an automobile. I kept getting better and better jobs and making more and more money. It seemed like things came back to me almost without effort. The center of my being, the focus of my life, was to simply stay clean and sober.

Being in the Present

 In the recovery field, I deal with many troubled people who blame today's problems on how they were raised.  They blame the past for their failure to succeed in relationships, careers or whatever else they set out to do.

As a result, they muddle through life, drinking, using recreational drugs, or serial sex partners to ease their self-induced pain.  They might achieve some degree of success, only to self-destruct because they can't get over whatever happened to them.

Now some of these folks truly have been abused, either sexually or emotionally, and have reason to be distressed about those events.  But I always ask them the same question: do you want to squander the precious moments of your life reacting to what happened 20 or 30 years ago?  Events that may be distorted or magnified by time and the constant reliving of them in your mind?

I remember one client who had a wonderful upbringing with all the amenities and privileges.  Yet she blames her past for her current misery.  No matter what goes on in her life she finds someone else to blame.  She's constructed a fantasy personal history that explains away all her failures and unhappiness - a history that bears no semblance of truth.

The reality for all of us is that life is sometimes a bitch, filled with disappointment and unhappiness.  And the way to get happy is to be real with ourselves and recognize that life sometimes sucks.  If we can really believe that then we can roll with the times when we're down.  We can accept that things don't always go our way.  That the world is sometimes quite unfair.

Obstacles and pain often teach us the most valuable lessons.

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Changes

One of the most valuable lessons in life is learning to accept that change is not only inevitable but necessary. Change forces us out of our comfort zones, encouraging growth and helping us discover new opportunities. When we resist change, we often create more stress, feeling overwhelmed by circumstances that are beyond our control. On the other hand, when we accept it, we open ourselves up to the possibility of reinvention, healing, and progress.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to love every change that comes our way. Not every transformation will feel comfortable or exciting. There will be moments of discomfort, even loss. However, by embracing change, we give ourselves the space to process and adapt. We learn to trust the process, knowing that life’s fluctuations bring new experiences and wisdom that we wouldn't have encountered otherwise.

Change also teaches us resilience. It reminds us that we are capable of adapting and overcoming challenges. Each change is an opportunity to discover our strength and resilience in ways we didn’t know were possible. The more we learn to flow with life’s transitions, the more we grow into the person we are meant to be.

So, next time life presents a change, instead of fighting it, try to embrace it. Let go of the fear, trust in yourself, and know that change often leads to the most beautiful chapters of our lives.