Change or Die

 Change is difficult. I was reminded of that recently while rereading a 2005 article in Fast Company magazine, entitled "change or die."

The author described how nine out of ten patients who've had open-heart surgery - when told they’ll die if they don't start exercising, eat right and quit smoking - will not or cannot change.  They keep up their bad habits in spite of the consequences. At first these numbers amazed me, but then my experience with our clients lent credibility to this author's story.

We have clients who relapse repeatedly even though life has shown them it doesn’t work. Fear of jail, institutions or death – doesn’t deter them.

As an outside-of-recovery example, I see the unwillingness to change with our clients who smoke. Statistics show that 18 to 20% of the general population smokes-in spite of the health risks and expense.  But in the recovery community the numbers are upside down: about 80% of recovering addicts and alcoholics smoke. Non-smokers often pass through a cloud of smoke to get into a 12 step meeting. And often during meetings the real addicts take a smoke break because they can't quell their addiction for the hour it takes to complete the meeting.

In the Fast Company article the author says fear of death doesn't make people change. He writes that people will change if they believe they can have a better life.

“The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles." Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating," a doctor cited in the article says. "Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?"

So instead of trying to motivate them with the "fear of dying," One of the doctors reframes the issue. He inspires a new vision of the "joy of living" -- convincing patients they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. "Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear," he says.

I believe this article correlates with what we try to do at TLC: to show our clients they can have a more joyful existence when they stop their negative addictions – a lifestyle they can gain by living by 12-step principles.

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No more Excuses

 We addicts have all kinds of excuses for using. And often that keeps us from changing.

And when we tell our sad stories to counselors or therapists they often cosign our bullshit. They understood why we drank, or smoked, or slammed a needle in our arms. Or at least they acted like they did. And that didn't help me get well because I needed someone to make me look at reality. Someone to be a little tough with me in a positive way.

When I was in my teens, I was in a rage. Life was unfair. The world was cruel. Counselors tried to help. But I viewed them as part of the system. So I wouldn't drop my defenses and let anyone in. That attitude kept me locked in my rage and confusion.

I fought with everyone. I thought I was tough. But really I was so full of fear and anger that whoever was nearby was the enemy. It took many years of using and trouble with the law before I changed.

And what changed me was time. I started paying attention to others who had stories of abuse. Many of them suffered much worse than I had. And they were like me, always in trouble. Full of fear and rage.

When I saw myself in them I had a spiritual awakening. I came to accept that bad stuff had happened to me. But also to others. Unjustifiable things. Things humans shouldn't do to one another.

But I also came to realize that no matter what happened it wasn't worth living my life suffering over it. And I decided to change.

Part of that change was putting down the bottle over 34 years ago. Part of it was deciding that I wasn't going to let my disease me hostage any longer.

That's when I took the first steps down the path to emotional freedom. And today my life works.

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Back with Family

One result of addiction is that many addicts and alcoholics eventually lose their families.

Of course, it doesn't happen right away. Many times families exhibit unusual patience and spend thousands of dollars trying to get an addict back on track. But finally many of them give up. Their addicted family member has stolen from them. Maybe they've gone to prison or jail a few times. Perhaps they've been in accidents. Or maybe ended up in the emergency room after an overdose. The emotional baggage overwhelms many families and they understandably give up hope.

When I first came into recovery nearly 35 years ago I had a few phone numbers, but none of them really wanted a call from me. Including my family members. And it can be quite discouraging for the newcomer when they feel there's little chance of getting back together with those they love.

Yet I'm here to tell you that all of that can change. But it doesn't happen overnight. For most of us it doesn't happen even in the first six months. But within a few years – as long as we stay clean and sober – our families will realize that we're serious about recovery and start communicating with us once more.

I know that in my case it took about three years for my family to realize that I was serious about staying sober. And once they realized that, we started spending holidays together, summer vacations together and saw each other on a regular basis. At one point I had five family members living with me in a three bedroom house.

And for some of us, the very unusual happens. For example in my case, I even had a daughter show up who was born in the late 1960s, a child that I was unaware of.

As long as we remain in recovery, there's hope for us all.

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Our Choices

 When we bring our child home from the hospital it is with joy and gladness in our hearts.

Doe's he look more like me? His dad? His grandfather? We watch every move. to make sure he's covered. Take lots of pictures. We make sure that he keeps his medical appointments. And we're happy when the doctor says our baby is in perfect health.

But the doctor can't see into future. Nor can we. None us were able to see years ahead when this aberration pops up. This disease that takes control of his life - seemingly overnight.

One moment he's like any other kid. Getting decent grades. Playing sports. Chasing girls. The next his grades are falling. The police bring him home one night. He lies about the black eye he got because he didn't pay the connection for the oxies he got on credit.

Then we go into the next phase. We blame ourselves for this change in behavior. We didn't do enough, maybe? Or too much. We did our best? Or did we? Maybe we should have taken him to church, Or moved to another neighborhood.

The guilt and shame and puzzlement piles up. What to do? We've gone through money getting him to treatment and to shrinks. Nothing has helped.

Our health and finances are failing. Yet we still don't have answers. And we don't stop to think about the obvious one: that maybe his addiction is his choice. His fault. After all, we're not Gods. We're only parents. And the inexplicable happens to everyone. Good people and bad people all get ground up equally beneath the wheels of chance.

What to do? We can pray. We can put him on the streets where the rest of the addicts end up. Or we can live in self-condemnation and guilt while still supporting him.

But we must remember that we also have a life to live. And we need to make our choices: guilt and shame about something we can't control - or happiness that we still make choices that are in our own benefit.

It's our choice.

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Controlling Anxiety

 A while back I dealt with a client who had a severe case of anxiety. He had trouble sleeping. He had trouble relaxing. He spent a great deal of time looking into the future, or dwelling in the past.

And like many of the addicts in our program he had the perfect solution for his anxiety: he would bury it with drugs or alcohol until he passed out. The only problem is that he had to wake up the next day and start all over again. This regimen didn't work out very well for him because eventually he lost his job, his marriage, his automobile, and the home that he lived in for seven years.

As I got better acquainted with him I learned that he had been treated poorly as a child. But instead of blaming those who mistreated him, he blamed himself for the bad things that happened to him. And of course that affected his self-worth. When in school he got poor grades. He ended up hanging with other students who had similar experience to his. He had found a clique of drug addicts to whom he could relate and who accepted him just as he was. And because of his association with them he eventually ended up in juvenile hall and then jail. And for the next 20 years he spent a lot of time associating with people like him and ultimately returning to jail or prison.

During my sessions with him I was able to help him understand that he could do nothing about the past. Nor could he really plan a future. But something that he would be able to do that would bring him some happiness and peace was to learn how to live in the moment. It took a while for me to help him understand that the only thing he had control over was this moment. And when he spent his time in the past or the future he was wasting a lot of the brief time that we all have here on earth.

After a while his anxiety went away because he began to grasp the concepts that I was teaching him about living in the moment. Someone taught me that concept a long time ago. And when I'm able to share it with others who begin to use it in their lives I feel like I'm helping someone learn how precious each moment of our life is.

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The wonders of Gratitude

 Gratitude takes practice.

And when we don't have gratitude as a traveling companion life can sometimes seem dark.

So how do we infuse gratitude into our lives?  It's really about changing our perspective.

A simple way is to start when we open our eyes in the morning.  When you awake, don't say "Damn, I have to get ready for work."  And then jump from the bed and start rushing to get ready.

Instead, set your alarm an hour early.  Rouse yourself slowly and stretch to get your blood circulating. Take a few deep breaths.  Then practice mindful meditation for ten or fifteen minutes.  After that do some yoga at home - or go to the gym.

Be fully present while you shower.  Savor a light breakfast.  Enjoy the sunrise.

Immerse yourself in the drive to work.  Flow with the traffic.  Be grateful that you have transportation.

Notice those along the way who have less than you.  Maybe you pass someone who's handicapped and riding a motorized cart.  Or someone who's homeless.  Realize how blessed you are.

Keep your mind in the present.  Don't let it get to the office before your body arrives.  Staying in the moment nurtures our gratitude and enhances our life.

If you're unhappy about how much money you earn remind yourself that much of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day.

Being grateful comes from how we view life.

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Let's Perservere

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

So how does this quote by Michael Jordan apply to those of us in recovery?

I think it gives encouragement to those of us who have fallen prey to serial relapses.

Often clients come to TLC discouraged because it seems like nothing has worked. In spite of their best intentions, they've failed “over and over” again. In fact, so often that they’re prone to the depression that might lead them back to their drug of choice.

I ask these clients to focus on the positive: the fact that they're sitting in my office is a testimony that they're still willing to work on recovery after repeated failures. And sometimes what I say seems to help.

We can often take the same perseverance that led us to repeatedly try to successfully drink or drug and turn it into something positive. Anyone who can go through misery for countless years in pursuit of their addiction can take that same drive and turn it into success.

For those who don't remember, I want to remind them that living with an addiction to the exclusion of everything else is hard work. In fact, it seemed like I worked day and night to supply my drug habit – it was a full-time job.

Eventually I turned my failures into success - something you who have repeatedly failed can also do.

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Seeking Help

 I get a lot of sad emails and calls from parents who want to help their children get sober. Their words are dripping with pain.

And, of course, it's natural for them to want to help their children. I think we all want to help our children as much as possible, whether they're addicts or not.

But the reality is that parents and loved ones are a lot more interested in sobriety and recovery than those they're trying to help. Probably out of every 10 contacts people make to ask for help with recovery, nine of them are family members or friends trying to be helpful.

There are rare occasions when an addict has had so many bad experiences that they will come directly to us for help. But the bulk of referrals come from parents, husbands, wives, girlfriends, prison counselors or parole officers.

While there are no bad reasons to get help, I think the help that we benefit from the most is the help that we seek on our own. I know that in my own case people were trying to help me with my drug problems from the time I was a teenager. Parents, wives, counselors, parole officers, they all suggested that I could benefit from sobriety.

Yet, what it took for me finally want to change is that I kept losing everything over and over. That includes my freedom, marriages, businesses, friendships – everything I valued - all for the sake of my addiction.

When I finally reached my bottom, when I was homeless and stealing every day to survive and to provide for my addictions, that's when I cried out for the kind of help has kept me sober for over 34 years. I think that when we run out of people to blame, people to help us, that's when we realize the seriousness of our addiction.

Only when I had nowhere else to turn, did I find a halfway house that would take me with no money. And the day I made that decision, is the day that I changed my life.

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What we Learn

 A client in group was talking about what he had learned while at TLC. What the man came out with surprised some of those in the circle.

"What I learned," the man said, "is how to make my bed for two weeks in a row."

While some might find this simplistic, many times TLC clients are learning the basics of daily life. Many come to our program not knowing how to make a bed or follow a daily routine. Many can't prepare a meal. Some can’t do laundry. A lot of them don't know how to fill out a job application. Or get a bus schedule together so they can look for a job.

Many are virtually starting life over. They arrive without job skills. They have no social skills. Saying “thank you” or “excuse me” is an alien concept. Their life has been focused on hustling drugs or alcohol.

Our approach is to build on what clients have – and in many cases that’s not much. We point out to them that they do have something going for them: they have the toughness that allowed them to survive in the tough drug sub-culture during their addictions. Often times the same negative perseverance that allowed them to survive in the drug world can be turned onto a path to rebuilding their lives.

Sometimes it’s a matter of getting them to change their point of view.

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Play Big

 "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela

Earlier this year I finished Mandela's autobiography, "Long Walk to Freedom."

And while I'd read reports about his life in the press, the insights in this book were inspiring. His life is an example of what one can do with enough perseverance.

As a recovering addict I like to read about how others overcame challenges. And I use these examples in my own life to keep things in perspective.

The value of this knowledge for us addicts is immeasurable. When we learn what others have done to overcome challenges we gain courage.

While we addicts don't face the challenges Mandela did, we have internal battles to overcome. And while they may seem small to others, to us they may seem insurmountable.

To live drug and alcohol free we must learn to live in a different culture. And change our way of thinking. Especially if we've had a long-term addiction.

It can be a shock to our psyche to get a job. To stop stealing. To start telling the truth. To be there for our families and friends.

But if we look at the suffering others went through to succeed we can find hope for ourselves.

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Keep Moving

In 34+ years of recovery I've learned that there's a lot more to staying sober than just going to meetings and not using drugs or alcohol.

I learned that I not only have to exercise and eat well. But I also listen to and read motivational material to keep myself moving forward.

After 34 years I still go to weekly meetings. I work in a recovery environment. And I only associate with, practically without exception, people who are in recovery. The remainder of my associates are either family members or business acquaintances who are – as far as I know – not addicted to anything.

Just because I get up and go to work every day in a clean and sober environment doesn't mean I have all the answers to keep myself going. That I don't need encouragement.

There are times I get discouraged because things aren't happening quite as fast as I want them to.
Maybe our company is facing a lawsuit.  (At the moment in fact, we're facing two lawsuits.) Maybe we're having financial issues. Perhaps our population is going down, or a key staff member is suffering from ill health. As long as we're living, there's something to challenge us.

Something I do every day – just to get myself charged up and ready for what's ahead will – is to feed my mind and spirit motivational material. Sometimes it's a book, but lately I've found myself listening to motivational talks I find on YouTube or Ted Talks.

In our digital world today there is a plethora of material we can find to get fired up and ready for whatever challenges we might face in the office or on the job when we get there.

There are motivational videos from back in the day, when I was a youngster – long before we had iPads and iPhones. Today I feel blessed to be able to listen to such pioneers as Napoleon Hill. Zig Ziglar. Or Earl Nightingale.

Whatever your field of interest, whether it be sports, religion, business, entrepreneurship, there is someone out there to help you get motivated. Someone to get you started. Someone to make you want to jump out of bed and get busy trying to do something with your life other than just exist.

It's true that the most important thing for an addict or alcoholic is to remain sober. But we're also capable of doing much more than simply staying sober. For example, if we have a passion for sobriety, perhaps we get involved in a program or business that focuses on helping others stay sober.

I guess my point is that there's plenty of information to supplement what we already know about recovery. And there's nothing wrong with trying to improve our lives in any way possible.

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Gratitude Now

Often times at meetings the chairperson or the speaker will select gratitude as a topic. In fact it is selected so often that sometimes a mock groan will go up in the group. Yes, it is selected so often that it has almost become a platitude. Yet, what is gratitude?

To me, gratitude is being totally aware of the many blessings that I have in my life. And what are those blessings? Many of us see blessings as the material things we have in our lives. We have a good job. We have a new car. We have a wonderful husband or wife. We have a nice circle of friends. These are all things for which we should have gratitude.

But I believe, and have read, that we should have gratitude for everything that occurs in our life.

Does this mean that I should be grateful for the bad things that happen to me? Does this mean that I should be grateful for the misfortune that comes my way? It is a tough concept to swallow, but I believe that the answer is yes. And why should this be, we might ask?

It is often the challenges that life imposes that make us better people. Or creates better situation for us. over 34 years ago I was homeless, broke and addicted. Now no one would look at those circumstances and say they should have gratitude for the situation. Yet it was from those very circumstances that my life began to change. When I finally reached the depths of my addiction I was forced to make a choice. I could either continue as I was or end up back in prison. Or I could admit that I was an alcoholic and go into a detoxification unit. I chose the latter and my life began to change.

After 11 days I left the detoxification unit and went to a halfway house. I have gratitude for that halfway house because they accepted me without money. They fed me, provided peer counseling, and gave me hope for the future. The first six months there I worked a series of entry-level jobs. I did day labor. I worked as a telemarketer. I washed windows for pocket money. I rode a bicycle, took buses and bummed rides from other residents of the halfway house. But today, over 34 years later, I still remember the sense of gratitude about the small improvements in my life during those first months of sobriety.

I have gratitude because from those humble beginnings many years ago I have become the success I am today. Today I still don't automatically have gratitude for challenges that might confront me. But if I look at some of the seemingly impossible situations that have ended well, then I can approach life with gratitude.

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Creating a Monster

A client comes to a counseling session heavily burdened. He's behind on child support. He doesn't have a job so he can't pay fees his probation officer’s expecting. A court appearance is pending.

He has more than this on his mind, but you get the point. His issues are wrapped up in a big confusing ball, so tightly interwoven that he can't figure out what's going on.

He can't sleep. He's anxious to the point where he's thinking about picking up a bottle or a pipe. He's overwhelmed.

What he's facing is not unusual among addicts in our program. Sometimes clients have a flawed thinking habit where they let a bunch of little issues become one big issue. They create a monster that threatens to consume them.

When I encounter clients like this I have them tell me all the problems they're facing. In fact I usually have them make a list. Then I have them go down the list to see which are immediate and which can be dealt with later. Or if even they need to be dealt with at all.

And it's almost magical how this process defuses anxiety. Once they list their so-called issues, where they can be scrutinized one by one, they seem to realize what they've been doing to themselves.

Because every issue we face is not equal. There are some problems we must deal with now. There are some that can be postponed. And there are some that aren't problems at all, except in our head.

When a client uses this process he discovers something - not only about his problems - but also about his thinking. He starts to recognize how he sometimes lumps small issues together until they turn into a monster. The monster that might take him back to the dope house.

He also learns he's not helpless in the face of his disease and its efforts to take him down.

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A 24 Hour Job

Addiction's a 24 hour disease. When I shot heroin it wasn't just nine to five, five days a week. It was a full time job.

I'd steal money or merchandise to get my next fix. Then I had to find my connection before I got sick. I was running all the time.

Same when I drank. If I was upright and conscious I needed a drink. If you didn't have anything for me, or if I was broke, then I'd shoplift something to drink from a convenience store.

I was like a rat on a wheel. Running like crazy and going nowhere. Well, maybe to oblivion.

I bring this up because someone mentioned that I seemed busy yesterday. And I was. It started around four a.m. A young small voice whispering on the phone because she didn't want her family to hear her call for help. We talked and texted over several hours before she quit communicating. I hope she's alright.

Then emails from across the country. Can you help my son? Can you help me? We're broke, but need help. Should I throw him out? Am I enabling him? How can I convince him to change?

These are heart-wrenching questions with a sense of urgency. So I venture my opinion without being judgmental - even though part of me wants to be.

To this long-term addict, the answer is obvious. But to the person who loves them - who has no experience with addicts - it's overwhelming. So I respond kindly and gently and hope that my words give them a shred of something helpful. And inside I pray the addict makes it before it's too late, before they die or suffer irreversible damage.

Later, other calls. One from a halfway house resident letting me know he finally found a job. Trivial to me, but big to him. So I congratulate him and am happy for him.

Being busy is life in the recovery business. It's not punishing work. Not digging ditches at a 110 degrees. Instead, it's a steady grind of communication from the desperate and angry and sometimes ungrateful.

For protection I spray imaginary Teflon on my brain so I can let things slide off and not stick for long - if at all. 

And I recall that a lot of kind people were there for me during the 42 years of my active using. And they didn't give up.

And that's why I'm okay being busy today.

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Karma

 I think of karma as what comes around goes around.

But mostly I've always thought of it as a long-term thing. Kind of like our reward for misbehavior in previous lifetimes. Which is a Buddhist or Hindu concept. But I've had to change my thinking.

Because in the world of drug and alcohol addiction karma seems to happen very short term. Particularly among those who continue to drink and drug as I used to.

In our TLC groups we predict what will happen to clients who continue to relapse. But it's almost like they're disconnected from reality. Or else the rewards of drugs and alcohol are so wired into their brains that fear of death means nothing to them. Many leave to use again.

They're not only disconnected from the dangers of continued use. They're also unwilling to follow the basics of health. Like quitting smoking. Eating well. And working out. It seems like they have an almost fatalistic outlook about their lives.

The idea that bad habits might affect them doesn't seem important. But karma eventually shows up for us all.

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Seeing Myself

Something that's helped me last for over 34 years in the recovery field is that I started my addiction young. I started using in my teens and continued into my early fifties - around 38 years.

Now, mind you, that wasn't 38 years straight. For some 16 years of that time I was a ward of the state.. I was locked up periodically for possession and other crimes that go with using. And one of those years I spent in a State Hospital in Norwalk, California.

I bring this up because when we first opened TLC,  I was sometimes dismayed at the way clients acted. They would lie. Cheat. Steal. Break curfew and every other rule. Give us dirty UAs. I wondered why they were even there.

Then one day I realized I behaved the same way when I was in my twenties. I lied about everything. Stole. Cheated. During those years I - like many of our clients - was my own worst enemy.

Once I recognized myself in these young clients I developed a lot more patience. More tolerance. I'm much more willing to give a client who screws up another chance.

Today I realize it takes a certain amount of pain before we're motivated to change. I can only hope and pray that our clients last long enough to get the message.

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24 Hour Disease

Addiction's a 24 hour disease. When I shot heroin it wasn't just nine to five, five days a week. It was a full time job.

I'd steal money or merchandise to get my next fix. Then I had to find my connection before I got sick. I was running all the time.

Same when I drank. If I was upright and conscious I needed a drink. If you didn't have anything for me, or if I was broke, then I'd shoplift something to drink from a convenience store.

I was like a rat on a wheel. Running like crazy and going nowhere. Well, maybe to oblivion.

I bring this up because someone mentioned that I seemed busy yesterday. And I was. It started around four a.m. A young small voice whispering on the phone because she didn't want her family to hear her call for help. We talked and texted over several hours before she quit communicating. I hope she's alright.

Then several emails from across the country. Can you help my son? Can you help me? We're broke, but need help. Should I throw him out? Am I enabling him? How can I convince him to change?

These are heart-wrenching questions with a sense of urgency. So I venture my opinion without being judgmental - even though part of me wants to be.

To this long-term addict, the answer is obvious. But to the person who loves them - who has no experience with addicts - it's overwhelming. So I respond kindly and gently and hope that my words give them a shred of something helpful. And inside I pray the addict makes it before it's too late, before they die or suffer irreversible damage.

Later, other calls. One from a halfway house resident letting me know he finally found a job. Trivial to me, but big to him. So I congratulate him and am happy for him.

Being busy is life in the recovery business. It's not punishing work. Not digging-ditches at a 110 degrees. Instead, it's a steady grind of communication from the desperate and angry and sometimes ungrateful.

For protection I spray imaginary Teflon on my brain so I can let things slide off and not stick for long - if at all. 

And I recall that a lot of kind people were there for me during the 42 years of my active using. And they didn't give up.

And that's why I'm okay being busy today.

Click here to email John

Responsibility: the Key

As a recovering addict, I know all too well the challenges that come with staying clean. It's a constant battle—a daily choice to resist old habits and make healthier decisions.  But there's one key factor that has made all the difference for me: taking responsibility for my behavior.

For years, I blamed everyone and everything else for my addiction. I was trapped in a cycle of denial and excuses, never once stopping to consider the impact of my actions on myself and those around me. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized the only way out was to own up to my behavior and take control of my life.

Learning to take responsibility for my behavior was a game-changer. Instead of playing the victim card, I began to acknowledge the role I played in my own downfall. I accepted that my addiction was a result of my choices and actions, and that only I had the power to change course. It was empowering yet daunting, but I knew it was the only way forward.

With this newfound sense of responsibility came a shift in perspective. I started to see my addiction not as a curse but as a challenge—an opportunity to grow and become a better version of myself. I sought out therapy, support groups, and counseling to help me navigate this new path. And slowly but surely, I began to see progress.

Taking responsibility for my behavior meant holding myself accountable for my actions. I made amends to those I'd hurt, I learned to set boundaries and say no to temptation, And most importantly, I prioritized my physical and mental well-being. It wasn't easy, and there were setbacks along the way, but each hurdle only reinforced my commitment to staying clean.

Today, I can proudly say that I have over 34 years in recovery, and I owe it all to the simple yet profound act of taking responsibility for my behavior. It's a lesson that has not only kept me sober but has also transformed me into a stronger, more resilient individual. 

If you're a recovering addict struggling to stay clean, remember this: it all starts with owning up to your past and shaping your future.

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Why get Sober

I was talking to a newcomer to our program last week and he asked a serious question.  What he asked, essentially, was why should he even get sober? To go through the effort?

So I asked him why he came in.  He said his probation officer told him that it was either our program or time in the County Jail.

"And jail didn't appeal to you? I asked him.

"This was my only choice," he replied.

"Not really," I told him. "We have a lot of people who would rather be locked up rather than put in the effort here to change their lives."

He reflected for a while, as if examining his options.

Then I told him some of my own story.  I, for many years, decided I'd rather be in jail than in a rehab somewhere trying to change my life. But then one day I had a long conversation with myself while I was in a park sipping a bottle of rotgut wine. l knew that I was either going to drink myself to death, or end up in a mental hospital or return again to prison. So I went to a detox and my life changed,

When I left that detox I spent a year in a halfway house.  It's too long of a story to tell here, but when I left that halfway house I purchased a building and started a program of my own.  I knew that working around addicts and alcoholics would help me stay sober and it has - for 34 years now.  But many more blessings came about.

I was back in the good graces of my family after three or four years.  I began to make investments in real estate, and became financially free.  I wasn't looking over my shoulder any longer, wondering if the police were going to pull me over. Yes, life still had its problems, but I found that being sober made them manageable.

The biggest blessing, though, is that I can communicate with my children and grandchildren.  I can have a relationship with them.  And happiness, for me, is good relationships with others.  And most of all - with my family.

After I talked with him for a while I think he's going to stick around and try to make the changes he needs to live clean and sober.

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I accept my Problem

 At a 12 step meeting this morning the topic was acceptance.

But for those of us old timers who have been around for over 30 years it's still one of the most important words that one will hear in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  And why is that?

In most cases it is quite simple.  But we alcoholics and addicts seem to have a proclivity for making things complex.   Those who are newcomers seem to have the most difficulty with this concept.  But think about it for a moment.  Until we accept the idea that we have problems there is not a chance in hell that we're able to solve it. 

It's like the discovery that our automobile has run out of gas.  Until we accept the fact that our tank is empty we're not going to be able to get going again until we buy a couple more gallons of gasoline.

It's not uncommon to hear people in the rooms blame nearly everything and everyone else for the fact that they have the problems they do.  They may have gotten a divorce.  Many have just been released from prison. They may have lost their job.  They may be ill or have suffered an accident. Whatever the situation, they don't accept that where they are in life is their responsibility.  Yet they must look in the mirror and point the finger at the image looking back at them: the face in the mirror looking back at them is the cause of all their problems.   

While it is true that many of us were brought up in an alcoholic home or bad neighborhoods what does that have to do with our lives today?   What can we do with that poor history?  About the only thing we can do about it is accept it.  Or we could take the destructive way out and go get drunk or high.  And it's really about as simple as that.

Nothing gives me more joy than when I hear an AA member accept the fact that all of his problems can be solved by one word: acceptance.  

If you're having a problem with that word, just try it on. If you let it sink in really deep you will find that you have discovered a wonderful cure for your alcoholism and addiction.

I promise that it works.

Click here to email John

Out of Control

A friend in recovery was talking about how he felt his life was out of control.

My response was that of course it was.  Because when it comes right down to it, all of our lives are out of control, at least to some degree. Regardless of how much power we think we have.

For example, we go to college and get a degree and expect a great job when we graduate. But then it doesn't happen because the economy goes into a recession and nothing is available.

We have a crush on the woman in the next office, but she won't even look our way.

The path to happiness can be happy and smooth and level.  Or it can be rocky and steep and hard work every step of the way.  

The way to happiness is to realize that we have little or no control of anything outside our own skin.  Once we accept that and realize it we are a much happier human being.

Now in Alcoholics Anonymous there's the Serenity Prayer.  It asks us to learn to accept the things we cannot change and to have the wisdom to know the difference.  Many alcoholics might think that the saying came from the Big Book.  But the reality is it was the core of Stoicism, a philosophy practiced by the Stoics until the 3rd century in Rome and Greece.

Once we accept whatever comes our way we have defeated it.  That doesn't mean we got what we wanted, but we do have peace and maybe happiness because we no longer are disappointed because we didn't get our way.

This path of learning acceptance isn't necessarily easy, but it becomes a habit as we mature in life.

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Key to Happiness

I recently discovered an interesting article on the internet about a happiness study at Harvard University  that has endured since the 1920s.  

The original purpose was to have around 100 men participate in a lifelong study of what they found that made them happy and to report their findings to researchers.  All were elite students, many from wealthy families and enjoying the finer things of life.  In fact, one was John F. Kennedy, who later became president.  Many of the participants went on to become wealthy and famous.

When they were 60 and above, they reported about what made them happiest.  And the outcome was that the majority reported that the biggest factor that brought them happiness was the quality of their relationships.  All of their relationships were important to them.  Their wives and husbands.  Their family members.  Their business associates.

The discovery has been consistent throughout the study.

And the reason I write about this is that many of our clients express anxiety about their relationships.  Will their parents ever talk to them again?  Will their marriages fall  apart?  Will their children speak to them again?  Relationships of all kinds seem to be the number one concern. 

When I read this study I understood why this is such a large issue with clients.  I think that being part of a social group is in our DNA, one of the most necessary to our survival.  If we look at prehistoric times, if we weren't part of the tribe or were exiled for breaking a rule it might be a death sentence because we need society to help us navigate through life.

The good news for us addicts is that once we get clean and sober our families and friends usually come back to us - at least that's been my observation over my 34 years of sobriety.  Once our loved ones see us rebuilding our lives they normally welcome us back.  I know mine have.

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How we Work

 At TLC we provide a continuum of care.

It starts from when a client walks in the door, until they move into one of our sober living units months later.

At the beginning - if they need it - we send them to a detoxification unit. Once they're sent back they undergo a three day orientation period to show them how TLC functions and what's expected of them.

Then, unless they have a job, we put them on a labor ticket until they get a week ahead on their service fees of $175 a week. It usually takes them a few weeks to get ahead. 

While we advertise as a ninety day program, we find that those who have the most success stay longer. We have some clients who've been with us more than 20 years. Those who stay a year add to their chances of success because they've gotten into the habit of staying sober and living a normal life. They get into a routine of going to meetings and making new friends in recovery.

Those who move to our sober living apartments have an opportunity to live in the community with minimal restrictions. They're still subject to drug testing. But it's a great opportunity for them to have inexpensive housing. Something many of them can't do because they have an arrest record.

Our system works well for those who are serious about life change and living sober.

Click here to email John

Acceptance

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Reinhold Niebuhr 1892-1971

The history of the Serenity Prayer dates back to a 1932 diary entry by German-American theologist, Reinhold Niebuhr. Finding this entry closed a 5-year long debate regarding the origin of the prayer.

The prayer was ultimately brought into the mainstream by the 12 step programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous.

And in this writer's opinion the word "accept" is one of the most important ingredients in a person's recovery. And why do I say that?

The primary reason is that we cannot resolve a problem or situation until we admit we have one.   That's why many people – before they get sober – will strongly deny that they have a problem.  And I was one of those people.  I was using alcohol and heroin and still denying every day that I had a problem.  Even though I was living in a stolen car and stealing every day to support my habit, I still couldn't accept the idea that I had a problem. I only accepted that I had a problem when life became too painful for me.

But it's amazing how quickly my life changed once I went into a detoxification program and started learning about recovery. In fact, it seemed almost effortless. When I went into the detox all I really wanted was for the pain to stop. And it did stop. Immediately. And that change was all based upon my acceptance of the fact that I had a problem with substances of all kinds.

While this blog mostly is about alcohol and substance abuse, the reality that is that the idea of acceptance can be applied to many of the problems in our life. If we have a problem with cigarettes, we can accept that we have a problem and find a program that will help us quit. If we are overweight, we can develop some kind of weight loss plan. If we have financial problems, we can either find employment or start a business. While it might seem simplistic, the starting point of all of our changes is to accept that we have a problem to solve and then get busy solving it.

And in closing, I want to say that if we don't accept that we have a problem with drugs or alcohol – and we do – then we don't have a chance in hell to stay sober.

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Surrender

 Often at AA meetings we hear the word "surrender "

Today I understand what surrender means. But at one time I walked through life with the idea that I'd never surrender anything. And I didn't.

I was one of those arrogant, egotistical, people who thought they knew everything and thought they ran everything. No one could tell me anything about my lifestyle. About getting an education. About using drugs and alcohol. From the time I was a teenager I did things just the way I wanted to most of the time.

And playing captain of the universe as I did showed me just exactly how smart I was. Because nearly everything I put my hands on, I messed up. My know-it-attitude and unwillingness to listen to others resulted in me spending something like 16 years locked up in various institutions for stupid drug charges and the crimes associated with obtaining drugs.

Yet today, I follow the dictum in the big book that says "we ceased fighting anyone or anything..." And you know, for some reason the world is a much easier and pleasant place. I finally came to the point where I realize that cause-and-effect is a reality. That there's a purpose and a lesson behind nearly every challenge that we meet.

And I sometimes wonder – in moments of whimsy – why it took me so long to learn the simple lesson that there's a certain kind of sweet victory when we surrender in these unwinnable battles with ourselves.

For example, I used to have a bad habit of wanting to be right about everything – even if it didn't make a bigger difference one way or the other. It was just my fragile alcoholic ego at play and I wasn't even smart enough to recognize that.

Today I have strong opinions about things just like before; but the main thing is that I keep my mouth shut because no matter what I say I'm not going to convince anybody that I'm right or wrong. And even more than that nobody, gives a crap because they have their own opinions.

To be sober and happy I believe that one must flow with life. I need to give up the idea that I have to always be right about everything. I believe that whenever we have a chance we must express kindness rather than anger over silly things that mean little or nothing. After all, life is short and we need to do our best to enjoy it without fighting with ourselves or anyone else. And that's how we surrender.

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Where does Compassion Stop?

I think of myself as a compassionate person. But there are times when compassion is not what I feel toward some people. Instead, what I feel is a kind of anger toward certain people, or at the very minimum, deep disappointment.

It's not because they did anything to me. To the contrary: they would be surprised that I have any interest in all in what they're doing or that I have any concern at all about their situation. But being without compassion is not who I want to be or how I view myself. I like to view myself as being compassionate to everyone.

To explain further, to shed light on what I'm talking about, this really has nothing to do directly with me. It's probably even really none of my business.

One of the situations has to do with a good friend of mine who has a family member who is elderly, yet functional. He spends a great deal of his free time doing nice things for her. He sometimes cooks for her. He accompanies her to medical appointments and sits in while the doctor talks to her. He loves her and does a lot to show it. He's probably one of the most helpful people I know, not just with his family but with everyone else in his life.

The problem comes up because she doesn't follow directions when it comes to her well-being. The biggest instruction the doctor gives her is to get more exercise. When she complains of feeling tired, he tells her to get more exercise. When she says she feels cold all the time he tells her she needs more exercise. Virtually every complaint she has the doctor's response is always that she needs to get her strength built up and she can only do that by exercising. Yet for some reason, she can't comply.

On occasion, she has fallen and had to call for help. However, if she'd followed the doctor's orders she probably would have better balance and not be as likely to fall. My friend's concern is that she will continue to become weaker because of lack of exercise and will eventually require the kind of care she could only get in a nursing home.

The other situation I'm talking about involves an older woman who has smoked all of her life. Smoking has caused her to have more than one heart attack, stents put in her heart valves, a pacemaker installed, stents placed in her legs, and many ambulance trips to the hospital. Yet, in spite of all the medical interventions she has had she refuses to quit smoking – or even try. She has even asked people to smuggle her cigarettes into the hospital intensive care unit. She tells her family that she doesn't want to live and doesn't care if cigarettes kill her. And while she's been this way for many years, it's caused her family a great deal of suffering watching the misery she goes through.

And that's where the question of compassion comes in. Because while I feel sorry for these two sick people I described here, I feel even worse for family members who are forced to witness their painful decline. While it's not my place to judge others because I definitely have my own character defects I have a tough time mustering up any compassion for people who are dedicated to destroying their lives. Because I'm a person who believes that a person has a right to kill themselves however they want. But the problem for me is the suffering it causes those around them, those who care for them.

It's one thing for us to destroy ourselves for whatever reason. Whether we're sick. Or whether we have an addiction. But do we have a right to make those around us suffer while we are actively – or passively – shortening our lives while others stand around helplessly watching us suffer?

I ask myself if compassion is a blanket proposition? To be a compassionate person, must we be compassionate toward everyone? Is compassion something we can be selective about? For me, it's a conundrum.

All I know is that I hate to see my friends and those I care about suffer when those they love won't care for themselves.

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Being Compassionate

In the 34+ years I've been sober, I've tried to be compassionate to my fellow man. And most of the time, I'm successful at it.

I'm not a person who holds grudges. I don't stay resentful at anyone for long. And I try to practice forgiveness of those who commit even the most egregious offenses toward me. And that's because I don't want to carry a lot of garbage around in my head. After all, I'd much rather spend my precious time enjoying life and doing what I can to help my fellow addicts and alcoholics have better lives.

I bring this up, because for the past 34+ years of my recovery – working with TLC – it seems like I've always had someone angry at me about something. For a long time, there was a guy who had the strange idea that he owned part of TLC, simply because he was one of the first 10 residents in the program. While he spent 20 years in prison he wrote letters to everyone he could think of trying to make sure that he got the part of the company he owned. Maybe I don't hear anything about him anymore is that we got a restraining order against him for two years in a row and haven't seen or heard from him since.

Then about 10 or 12 years ago, there was a gentleman who made me the topic of conversation at every 12 step meeting he attended. He went to every governmental agency in the state, including the governor's office, the Attorney General's office, the legislature, the Environmental Protection Agency and I don't know who else, trying to put us out of business. Whatever he was doing, it didn't work. Because we're still in business, helping people get sober and clean.

But the interesting part of it to me was that I had no idea who this guy was or what his problem was. He was just someone who was very angry at me and TLC and spent a whole lot of headspace and time trying to have something done about us. I'm still curious about why he was angry.

And just when I thought that maybe the craziness had died down for a while, late last year another delusional person pops up to make us a target.

And the strange thing is that I'm not angry at any of these people. In fact, I have a lot of compassion and pity for them because they're wasting their lives and precious time on this planet trying to harm those who are performing a service to the community.  Each of them could use their innate intelligence and ability to build a great life for themselves if they only did positive things – rather than looking at themselves as victims.

Because my experience has been that those who characterize themselves as victims usually live up to their self-image.

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Running a program

 Running a company that’s operated by 99% drug addicts is an educational experience.

There’s no college that I know of that teaches how to manage a recovery program of 350 drug addicts – and do it without government funding or grants.

Now there are people with a lot of letters after their names who work for us. And they help us operate professionally and look businesslike. But none were involved in the founding or keeping the doors open when times were depressed.

No colleges teach how to operate without insurance or equipment or property or capital. None that I’m aware of.

The difference between us and other organizations is that we’re on a mission to stay sober and help others to get sober – whether they have money or not. The only people we don’t accept is sex offenders or arsonists because we don’t know how to help them.

The nice thing about our organization is that it is managed by addicts from top to bottom.

And we would be happy to help the government learn to use our template if they would let us do it without drowning us in bureaucracy and paperwork.

But if they let a bunch of drug addicts help them that might be kind of like admitting failure.

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Hedonic Treadmill

One of the characteristic beliefs of many addicts - and non-addicts - is that money will bring them success and happiness.  Not so.  

Now there's little doubt that money will bring us a degree of pleasure, at least on a temporary basis.  But when we tire of that pleasure, we think that maybe a little more will make our lives wonderful.  So, we work to get a bigger house.  A nicer car.  A better wardrobe.  More jewelry.  And stuff that we think will fulfill our lives.

In psychology it is often described as the "hedonic treadmill."  I run and run harder and faster to accumulate more stuff.  Then I'll be happy.  But sooner or later we find that more stuff is not the key to happiness.  Many wear themselves out on the treadmill, and soon realize that there other ways to happiness aside from accumulating stuff that only brings pleasure for while.

Those who get off that path may decide to improve their lives by going to school.  Learning to play a musical instrument.  Joining a church. Volunteering at a senior center, or becoming active in sponsoring others in recovery.

When we devote ourselves to learning a new skill or to helping others improve their lives then we find true happiness.

I once thought the same way:  that a lot of material things would make me happy.  But once I got those things they didn't give me what I wanted.   

So I devoted my life to helping others change for the better and achieve their goals in life.  That's what brought me the happiness that I have today.

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Living in the Present

 A man at a twelve-step meeting this morning was talking about how he'd just gotten out of prison within the past few weeks.

During a major portion of his incarceration, he was locked in a small cell for 23 hours a day. He said that all he thought about when he was inside was what he was going to do when he got out, when he finally got into freedom.

But then he discovered, when he arrived at TLC, that he would be on restriction for three days. Plus, the program has a lot of rules that kept him from going anywhere or doing anything until he had a little bit of time in the program. He said that it frustrated him so much that he almost left because he knew he could get a job somewhere and rent a place to live where he could do just as he pleased.

As I listened to him speak, I realized that his mind and imagination were somewhere in the future. He didn't have a word of gratitude for the idea that he was out from behind prison walls and in a place where he could begin a new life. And somehow, he had the bizarre idea that if he went somewhere else that he would be much happier. That all his problems would be taken care of.

Now I'm not criticizing this gentleman. I am simply using him as a example. Because many of us think just as he does. That if we just get to that next place in life, we're going to be much happier. Life will be more rewarding.

And I know that many of you understand what I'm talking about. We get a new job, new home, new car, new girlfriend and we think that at last we have found happiness. But before long reality sets in. Reaching the goal, we had to acquire something new didn't provide the satisfaction we wanted. The new girlfriend is wearing out our credit card. Our new car isn't quite as cool as we thought it was. And the house requires constant maintenance and cleaning. And that job is okay, but the boss as it turns out, is a tyrant.

Now there's nothing wrong with setting goals and trying to improve our lives. But if we're on a constant gerbil wheel of running real fast but not getting anywhere, it's probably because our mind is off in the future someplace. At some point, to get some satisfaction out of life we have to learn that where we are right now is pretty much okay.

This applies especially those of us who have suffered greatly from our lifestyle of finding instant gratification in our chemical of choice. Once I learned to live drug-free in the here and now life had much more depth and became much more enjoyable.

As far as I know, there is no better place to be than in this moment right here right now. And not with my mind wandering off in some fantasy future.

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Tuff Love

A woman sent an email recently about her father, a man in his seventies, who had relapsed and started using again.

She wrote that she and her husband had given him an ultimatum: that they would no longer communicate with him or be in his life until he sought help.

By the tone of her email, I could tell that she was quite distressed by having to take that position with her father, who isn't in the best of health.

But in my opinion, that's the most loving thing she could have done for her father – to try to help him salvage the remaining years of his life and live them in health and sobriety.  I've never met this lady and admire her courage, because somewhere along the way she's learned tough love and has put it into action.  Even though he hasn't asked her for money or financial help, she doesn't want to socialize with him while he's under the influence of whatever poison is putting in his body.

She's a rare species.  Because most family members I deal with are seeking some kind of magic potion that will instantly cure their loved ones without having to do anything painful to them. 

But this woman apparently understands that we addicts will use anyone we can to get whatever we want as long as we're in the grips of our disease.  We'll lie to our children, our wives, our parents, anyone we can take advantage of.  We'll steal from our employers, strangers, or anyone else who's vulnerable.  We'll risk our health, our freedom or sanity for that temporary rush of euphoria our drug of choice brings us.

And the best way to help someone who is caught up in addiction is exactly what this woman did. She and her husband presented a united front by taking a position with someone dear to them. Because they realize that the father has the choice. 

And the choice is his family or the poison that he's putting into his body.

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Patience

When people would say "patience is a virtue," I really didn't understand it as I do today.

My attitude was to hell with patience. I want what I want. And I want it now. You be patient if you want. But I want it all. And the sooner the better.

But as time goes on, I've come to believe that patience is probably one of our primary virtues.

Today I know that being patient is almost a spiritual thing. For example if 40 years ago I've have been given all the blessings I have today I wouldn't have known how to manage or take care of them. Because I never had gratitude for the things that came to me without much effort on my part. I'd just fritter them away and move on to the next thing I could ruin.

In 1992 if someone had asked me to describe what life would be like in 34 years I would have drawn a small picture.

Of course no one asked me. I simply got up and went to work each day. I didn't move too fast. Yet everything I wanted showed up in my life just when I needed.

If I needed a house for incoming clients, somehow it would show up. Even though I didn't have credit For the first seven years of my recovery I was able to house hundreds of addicts. People would sell me property with no money down. Once I got three houses with no interest payments.

It became so routine for things to show up just when I needed them that I never worry about finances or employees today. If we need equipment, or housing, or a new staff member, I tell the staff to just tie off for a day or two. What we need will show up.

I get so many parents who write me about their children. Their letters are beautiful, sometimes so painful I want to cry for them. I suggest that their child is out there on the streets learning what doesn't work. And sometimes I get happy letters back telling me their kid returned and he's in recovery.

I believe that God, our Higher Power, or the Universe has our interests at heart. And when we walk the path of patience we might get better answers than we even hoped for.

It's happened for me. Today I have a wonderful life.  A beautiful wife who takes good care of me.  A staff that loves our clients and does their best to help them.  More material things than I need. And I attribute much of it to the idea that I've grasped the virtue of patience.

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Getting home Safely

 I believe it always pays to be kind to other drivers when we're on the highway.

Because a lot of times we'll be driving and someone will cut us off and we immediately respond with anger. But the reality is, unless we have extrasensory perception, we don't know what's going on with the driver in the other car. Many times we make the assumption that they're just naturally rude – or at the best – very unaware of the other drivers. But the reality is that we don't know what's going on with others. Maybe they're on the way to the hospital to visit a sick relative. Maybe they just got into an argument with their spouse. Perhaps they just lost their job. Even though I have a human tendency to come down on the side of negative, I feel a lot better if I give the person in the other vehicle the benefit of the doubt.

I don't believe that rude drivers get up in the morning and say "I think I'll go out and drive crazy and get everyone angry at me."  Instead, I think they always have something on their minds that takes their attention away from their driving. That's not an excuse for driving rudely or cutting others off.  But it is something to think about when we get upset on the road at the way others are driving a 4000 pound vehicle that could do a lot of damage if it got out of control over some petty anger.

And when we look back at these kind of incidents that inevitably occur once in a while, we really don't remember much about them or why they occurred. Unless we get into a real accident, the things that happen on the highway are very unimportant in the scheme of things. 

And the nice thing is that we get home safely to our family and loved ones.

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Not How We Roll

 TLC's recovery program is quite often the last door on the block for many addicts.

They might be on parole or probation. Maybe they have warrants. Perhaps tattoos on their faces that limit their employment opportunities. Some lack basic social skills, having grown up in institutions or prisons.

Yet we work with them as long as they'll allow us to do so. And as long as they're willing we're willing.

We even work with these clients when they develop health issues. As many do. Some have smoked for years. Others don't have the vaguest idea about the benefits of diet, exercise, meditation. And it's hard to teach them how to live differently, how to overcome years of poor life choices.

We've have many clients develop emphysema, heart disease, cancer, and other debilitating disease. And many of them fear that just because they can't produce we're going to kick them to the curb. To leave them homeless. But that's not how we roll.

For us that's not the moral thing to do. When we have clients who are ill we help them get better. If they can't work a full day, we find something for them part time. Maybe a clerical job that requires little physical effort and that's low stress.

Because our mission is to help rebuild their lives. And over the years we've learned that some of those we try to help aren't in the best of health.

Our mission is to help them anyway.

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Looking at Happiness

If you're not happy you might look closer at your life.

When I was growing up, there was a philosophy many people lived by. It was go to school, get a good job, get married, own a house and a decent car. Retire with benefits and chill from then on.

Of course, those who believed that were from my parent's generation. Those who lived through the depression and World War II. And maybe some of them were happy when they achieved those goals.

I never asked them. While they were alive I was pursuing my version of happiness. Which was to  stay drunk and high for as long as I could.

And once I tired of the pain and misery I got sober and started living kind of like other people

It wasn't until later that the happiness question came up for me. I'd acquired what many consider success: happy marriage, business, friends, great income, investments, and so forth.

While these things are great, there's one thing that gives me special satisfaction. And that's giving others the opportunity to change their lives.

Every once in a while I'll be in public and someone will come up and thank me for helping them. And most of the time I don't remember them. They were at TLC years earlier. They now have a family, a good job or business.

They give us credit for their success. And I'm gracious and thank them. But the reality is that somewhere within they had a desire for a better life.

And they used our program to pull themselves up - just the way we designed it.  And that makes me happy.

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What's Your Story?

I've been working with addicts and alcoholics for over 33 years, throughout my entire sobriety. And I have yet to meet a one of them who doesn't have some kind of story.

And the stories aren't all bad. Nor are they all good. And I doubt if most of them are100% true: after all, a good story has to have a little drama if we expect people to listen to us.

Yes all of us – me included – have some kind of story woven through our lives, a trail of footprints that show the path we took to get to this point of our life. Many of us who've been around for a while have a pretty decent story. A story of sobriety, of building a new family, of building a business or getting an education – something that we can be really proud of. And for those of you who have this kind of the story this blog probably won't have a lot of meaning for you.

But many people get stuck on a story that's really quite terrible. One of an abusive childhood. Living in juvenile hall. Going without more often than not.

And if you have that kind of a story, one that has led you to live a life of being homeless, of being in prison, and having no self-esteem this blog is for you. Because my point is that you can tell a new story about your life. You can write a new plot for your life. You can use your imagination to create new goals. New aspirations.

I know what I'm telling you is true. Because at one time I had a terrible story. I grew up in an alcoholic and violent home. I never was sure where I was going to be living the following month. I was in and out of juvenile hall and jail for much of my young life. I had a real sad story and it seemed like I told it to anyone who would listen to me.

And it wasn't until I was in my early 50s that I decided that things must change or I was going to die or spend the rest of my life incarcerated. So I wrote a new story for myself. I decided to use what skill and talent I had to become a businessman, a sober member of society, as good a parent as I could be to my already grown children and so on. And the interesting thing is that within 2 to 3 years my whole life was different. I was sober. I was in the first few years of building a successful business organization. I had friends. My family had come back to me. My whole world changed. The only reason it changed was because I changed the plot.

So if you find yourself in that kind of situation try to write a new storyline for your life. Imagine the kind of job you want. Imagine the kind of relationship you want to have. Imagine yourself being clean and sober. Before you know it – even though you might have to edit your story a little bit – you'll be a different human being. You'll be able to live up to your potential and have a story of gratitude, rather than a story of negativity.

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Living in the Moment

 Clients often come to my office with issues they can't solve.

If I haven't met them I spend a few minutes getting acquainted. How long have you been with us? Where are you from? How many times have you been to treatment? What's your drug of choice?

While my questions are more of a way to get them to relax, I also learn enough to maybe help them with their issue or issues.

But most of the help I give them is about changing their perspective. I can't remember a client coming to me with a problem that could be resolved in the present moment.

That is, whatever is going on with them has something to do with the past or the future – not this moment.

"I have to go to court when I get home because I have a warrant."

"My family is rejecting me because I can't quit using heroin."

"I think my wife is divorcing me over my drug use."

The way to feel better when thinking about what might happen or what has already happened, is to learn to live in the moment. Because if we look around us at the now, everything is okay.

But if we're in a far off future, or if we're mucking around in the past, it's easy to feel bad about our lives.

When Mark Twain was at the end of his life he said "I'm an old man and I've been through many terrible things in my life. And some of them actually happened."

If we can adapt this viewpoint for ourselves we might find more acceptance and joy in our days. Less fretting about the future or the past.

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How about Happiness?

When we think about why we're unhappy, it's easy to figure out why. It's because we don't have what we want.

And we want what we want because we think we'll be happier when we have it in our hands.

It can be that ideal job. That wonderful car. That woman we've been trying to date. A fancy home in a certain neighborhood. Everyone's idea of what will bring them lasting happiness is different.

Then after a while the newness wears off, the wow factor disappears and we have to find something new to focus on. Only to repeat the cycle again.

The other day I was watching a video by a Harvard professor giving a lecture on happiness to a class of professors.

He asked them 'How many of you awoke this morning and said "Gee, I'm so happy now that I have my degree?" And of course the response was a roomful of laughs. But he made a good point that talked about the process rather than the goal.

Happiness is often hard to put our finger on. But as we grow older we find out that it's not the things we acquire. It's not the money in the bank. Nor is it the title on the door.

Those who are truly happy have gratitude for all they have in their lives. But if you ask them what makes them the happiest they'll tell you it's the experience of achieving what they have with their lives – not the possessions they’ve accumulated.

Happiness is doing for others. Happiness is giving of our time. Happiness is working to improve the road for those who come behind us. We can find true happiness as we make the the world a better place.

That's the kind of legacy we want to leave our children and loved ones.  That's a good reason to get sober.

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Freedom Day

The 4th of July is one of the biggest celebrations in our nation.  This day in 1776 we celebrated the independence of the 13 colonies from Great Britain.

But for us sober alcoholics and addicts it denotes much more than the political freedom that was declared way back in history.  For us, real freedom came when we threw away the spoon and threw out the bottles.  For it is the day we reclaimed our lives.  We stopped being slaves to substances and alcohol.  We found that our new freedom allowed us to rebuild our lives. We could take responsibilities and follow through with them.

On the day we declared our personal freedom we took a major step.  We were able stop going to prison.  We were able to build relationships.  To get married.  To return to our families or to start building one of our own.

Many Americans I meet aren't that philosophical about the 4th of July.   It's merely a time to celebrate.  Maybe take a day from work and go fishing or have a barbeque.  Do something fun.  But out freedom allows us to do much more than that.  We are now free to express ourself as we wish - as long as long as it doesn't hurt others.

If we look about we can discover the freedoms we have in our country that others don't enjoy.  We can educate ourselves.  We can build a business.  We can become a benefactor to others.  Our choices are unlimited.

Today my freedom allows me to make positive choices to enhance my life.

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Sticking to It

I often talk to clients who are down on themselves because they haven't done much with their lives.

Drugs and alcohol took over. And here they are in their twenties, thirties and beyond with little to show.

No assets. No car. No job skills. Maybe no friends. The future looks scary.

Sometimes they mention family and others their age who are doing well. They may be finishing school. Or running a business. It can be depressing.

But my counsel is that it doesn't have to stay that way. If one is willing to put in the work. I know, because I was there in my first year of recovery.

I was 51 years old. Riding a bicycle. Taking busses. Walking. Doing day labor in the Arizona summer.

Sometimes I'd put a five gallon bucket of water on the back of my bike and ride down main street washing windows for a few dollars. Whatever it took to pay my rent at the halfway house.

I worked hard to stay sober and rebuild my life. And that was the key: determination and perseverance.

Within a year I bought three ratty houses on the same lot with no money down. I started my own halfway house program - while working a full-time job.

I painted and cleaned those houses until they were okay for people to live in. Soon they were full and I found some more.

Within a year we were so busy that I had to quit my full time job. I worked at the halfway house for two years without a paycheck, just room and board. But I kept on, magically leasing and buying more property.

Addicts came to us for help, wanting to get sober. And wanting to give back. Together we built a community that today numbers over 300 people. A group that's trying to salvage what's left of their lives.

The point of all this is that if you want something and are willing to put in a lot of work with no promises of anything - you might just succeed.  

And you won't be down on yourself anymore.

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Power of Mindfulness

How many times have you heard the term "I was completely out of my mind" or "or that stuff was so good it got me completely out of mind"

Some of us take drugs or alcohol because the present reality is so painful that we escape into a chemical haze so we don't have to feel what we're feeling.  If we continue to live our lives this way we find that we've thrown away large chunks of precious time, time that can never be reproduced or replaced.

"But," you might respond, "sometimes I can't deal with reality.  I need something to cover the pain of my broken heart, my lost fortune, my failure in school." There is an answer though.  And the more we practice it the more powerful of a tool it becomes.

And that answer is to learn to practice mindfulness or its close cousin, meditation.  

Instead of running from the reality of our pain, we mindfully face it, like facing a bully that is trying to control our lives.

If it could be summoned up in one word, that word would be acceptance.  If we stand up and accept what is going on in our lives we become stronger.  We always accept what is going on in our lives.  And we do this by telling ourselves that whatever's happening right this moment is perfect, it's exactly the way the universe is supposed to be.  If we characterize something as painful or insufferable then that's the effect it will have on us.

A good technique to overcome our perceived pain or unhappiness is to look about us. All over the world there are people who are starving, suffering from disease, or lack of clean water to drink.  So many others live lives of suffering from malnutrition or lack housing.  If we look at  the world from this perspective all of sudden we find gratitude in whatever we have.

If we live our lives in this moment - and accept it as perfect - we find a perfect world.

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Ralph H.

Earlier this week, Ralph H, an icon in the recovery community, passed to the other side.  He was sober 52 years when he died at 92.

I met him in January 1991 when I got sober at EVAC, the detoxification center he managed for several years close to downtown Mesa on Bellview Street, where he served as Clinical Director.

Ralph worked in the recovery field for a few years before he decided to get serious about changing and began to learn how to incorporate recovery into his daily life.  And that's when his recovery took off.  He became a regular at meetings and sponsored many men in 52 years, changing countless lives.

After I'd been sober for a few years, I decided I needed a new sponsor and asked him for guidance in the program.  He stuck with me until his death.

I'll miss him for sure.  But what he taught me will stay forever.

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The Wonder of Gratitude

 Gratitude takes practice.

And when we don't have gratitude as a traveling companion, life can sometimes seem dark.

So, how do we infuse gratitude into our lives?  It's really about changing our perspective.

A simple way is to start when we open our eyes in the morning.  When you awake, don't say "Damn, I have to get ready for work."  Then, jump from the bed and start rushing to get ready.

Instead, set your alarm an hour early.  Rouse yourself slowly and stretch to get your blood circulating. Take a few deep breaths.  Then practice mindful meditation for ten or fifteen minutes.  After that, do some yoga at home - or go to the gym.

Be fully present while you shower.  Savor a light breakfast.  Enjoy the sunrise.

Immerse yourself in the drive to work.  Flow with the traffic.  Be grateful that you have transportation.

Notice those along the way who have less than you.  Maybe you pass someone who's handicapped and riding a motorized cart.  Or someone homeless.  Realize how blessed you are.

Keep your mind in the present.  Don't let it get to the office before your body arrives.  Staying in the moment nurtures our gratitude and enhances our life.

If you're unhappy about how much money you earn remind yourself that much of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day.

Being grateful comes from how we view life.

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About Flag Day

Stars, stripes, and a story woven through nearly two‑and‑a‑half centuries—Flag Day, celebrated every June 14, is America’s invitation to pause and look back. On that date in 1777, the Continental Congress chose a banner of thirteen alternating red and white stripes with a constellation of stars on a blue canton, declaring the young republic “a new constellation” among nations. Each new state has added a star, yet the basic pattern endures, stitching generations together in a single piece of cloth.

Unlike the fireworks‑filled spectacle of the Fourth of July, Flag Day is quieter, almost reflective. Schoolchildren learn to fold a triangle with crisp corners, scout troops retire weather‑worn banners, and porches from Maine to Hawaii sprout fresh Old Glory at dawn. That modesty is part of its charm: honoring the flag asks more of our attention than our wallets. It nudges us to consider whether our conduct matches the ideals symbolized by thirteen bold stripes and a field of stars.

Presidents have issued proclamations—Woodrow Wilson first did so in 1916, and Harry Truman signed Flag Day into law in 1949—but the observance remains grassroots at heart. Small‑town parades share the day with candlelit ceremonies at veterans’ cemeteries; volunteers mend torn banners for neighbors; civic groups hold essay contests on the meaning of liberty. In these local rituals, the flag becomes less a commodity and more a canvas on which we project collective hopes and honest self‑critique.

So this June 14, take an extra moment. Run a hand along the hem of a well‑traveled flag, explain the colors to a child, or simply watch as the banner catches the last light at dusk. In that moment, you can hear history breathing, reminding us that patriotism is not a posture but a promise still being written.

Our flag represents the freedoms we enjoy today.

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Father's Day

 Coming up is Father's Day, which always falls on the third Sunday in June.

And many are looking forward to celebrating it.  Some are trying to figure out the right gift for their dad. Maybe a dinner.  Or a necktie. Maybe cologne. A gift card tucked inside a greeting card.  Something to show their esteem and love for the man who raised them. And that's a good thing.

As for me, I never celebrated anything about my father. Even though he passed in 1970 at age 60, it's difficult for me to dredge up anything good about him. 

In fact, when he died, someone called to tell me, and I said "Good," then hung up the phone.  I never went to the funeral, and I never grieved his death.  As far as I was concerned, he was dead to me the last time I saw him, when I was about 15 years old.

I know it sounds like I'm still angry and bitter toward him. And while I used to feel that way, I no longer do. Once I got sober, I started using the principles of the 12-step programs to get rid of my anger and resentment toward him.  And anyone else that I had angry feelings toward.

My anger and resentment toward my father stemmed from his alcoholism, his brutality to his children, and anyone else he felt like beating.  But it wasn't until I got a few years into sobriety that my feelings changed.  And that was when I began to understand the dynamics of alcoholism and how it affects different people.  While I don't have warm fuzzies toward him, at least I understand him better.

After working with alcoholics for 30-plus years, I've learned that many of us had terrible relationships with our fathers.  And those relationships pushed us into our own addictions in many cases.

But eventually, we learn we must move on with life, regardless of who harmed us in the past. Otherwise, we might follow the same path and have a miserable life..

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Enough Pain = Change

 Is there a surefire and effective way to help someone get sober, to start living a life of recovery? Yes, if one has the right ingredients almost anyone can quit using and start living a sober life.

After working with addicts for thirty+ years I believe there are several factors that potentially come into play when someone is serious about a major life change like getting sober.

I remember a time about ten years ago when a fellow parked in front of our office and came in to ask for help in getting sober.  

He was well dressed, wearing a watch, driving a decent automobile, and had a woman who waited in the car while he was in our office.

We asked him if that was his car and why he thought he needed help.  Why he thought he was an alcoholic and needed help to stop drinking?  He started telling us his story about how sometimes he would have too much to drink and wake up with a hangover.  Or get into a fight with his wife.  He was afraid he might lose everything, including his wife and home.  He'd never had a DUI nor been in jail.

To sum it up, we told him he might look for someplace else.  Maybe get some outpatient treatment.  We told him that most of those who came to our program had been homeless, in jail and had suffered a lot of pain before they decided to change.  We suggested that he suffer a little more before he tried to get sober; that he still had a decent life and might stop drinking for a few days and decide that he might not have a problem after all.  We told him we didn't think he'd suffered enough consequences.  

And so he went on his way and we never saw him again.

The point of this narrative is that we must suffer enough pain to want to change.  While he had gone through some discomfort from drinking our opinion was that he hadn't reached a bottom where he would be motivated to work on some gut level recovery.  He still had too many resources to be on fire to change.

While TLC accepts anyone who asks for help we like to think that they've had enough pain and loss to want to change. While we'll help anybody we like to use our resources for those who have a strong motivation.  Life will eventually let this guy find out if he has a problem, maybe if he starts feeling some real pain.

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It's not just about the Material

 In the nearly 35 years TLC has been in existence we've had thousands of addicts and alcoholics graduate our program.  And many of them have become quite successful after leaving.

Many have married and are raising children.  Others have gone to college and gotten degrees.  In fact, one recently sent me a video of him receiving his Doctorate.   Another graduate has a quality remodeling business in a nearby state that he has operated for several years. He also is married and has teenage children.  I'm proud of their success.

I know of many others who are succeeding in life.  I only mention these two examples, because I periodically am in contact with them.  And they are handling their success quite well and are examples to those around them - especially to other addicts.

I bring this up today because in the thirty-four years I've stayed sober I have also become financially successful just by saving my money and making long term investments in real estate.  At 86, I work six days a week, stay healthy, and help others have an opportunity to achieve recovery and find a new way of living.

In spite of my success I don't live lavishly.  I live in an average 2200 square foot home.  My one  luxury is a nice car that I lease.  I buy most of my clothing at Walmart, Kohl's, or Old Navy.  I don't find much satisfaction in luxury items, though  I can afford them.

I've had associates ask me why I don't buy a bigger house or get this or that model of fancy car.  But to feel good about myself I don't need those things. I tell them that people aren't going to like me any better if I have a 5,000 square foot house, wear expensive watches, and buy my clothes from Nordstrom's. 

I'd rather invest in three or four personal vacations a year.  I invest in good experiences.

And I suggest to those who leave the program and become successful to remember where they came from. I ask them to show gratitude for their success and be generous to others. Because helping others is one of the great satisfactions in life.

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Summer's Approaching

Suddenly it seems that summer is upon us.  Kind of like opening a door.  For a few months it's been great springtime weather.  Then all of a sudden we go outside and this heavy mantle of oppressive heat imposes itself upon us.  On top of whatever else we're thinking about, there's this constant presence that reminds us we live in a desert.

The heat even affects those who are still using.  Once it's over 100° our beds stay pretty much full all the time.  Drugs and alcohol take an even heavier toll when it's hot.  Those who relapse get beat up pretty fast and return right away.  Especially those who come here from back East or from the northern states.

The wimps among us who work in the office don't complain too loudly.  That's because a large percentage of those who work for TLC – like the maintenance and construction guys – spend much of their time outside. They're not too sympathetic when those of us who work inside whine about the heat.

One of the blessings of being in recovery for a long time is that some of us are able to get away for a few days.  That's what my family and I do each summer just to get a break.

I'm always mindful that I'm able to do things like this because I got into recovery so many years ago..

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