Anxiety about the Future

"Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future but from wanting to control it."  Kahlil Gibran

Many of us, especially those of us in the addict population, spend a lot of time gazing anxiously into the cloudy future. We wonder if we're going to get our family back. Will our old boss give us another chance? And what about my parole officer? Is he going to let me continue on parole or send me back to prison? Am I going to get my life back after I spent so much time tearing it down? On and on rolls our magnifying mind.

But the saying at the beginning of this blog sums it up: it's not the thinking of the future that creates anxiety for us. It's because we want to control what might happen to us.

Thinking we can control how the future unfolds wastes the precious moments of our lives. Life happens to all of us, to everyone all over the world. Life is an unpredictable and precarious place, no matter who we are or what our background.

A better attitude – if we must look into the future at all – is to accept our life as it unfolds. That means we enjoy the present moment. The breeze on our face. Time with our friends. Our drive to work. The idea that we live in a mostly secure country, despite news to the contrary.

And we must rid ourselves of fear, for fear is what makes us want to control the future. Most of our time traveling to the future involves avoiding pain and insecurity. Rarely is our fantasy of the future about how wonderful and rich it might be - and often is.

We find our safe place while savoring the moment, being mindful of the present.

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Pursuit of Happiness

Have you ever been in a situation in your life where you thought that if things just changed you'd be happy?

I know this happens, not just to us addicts and alcoholics, but to the world at large. If I just get this job I'll be happy. If I just find the love of my life then I'll be happy. This new car or new house will complete my life. Or if I get to go on this vacation everything will be just fine.

But don't you see the problem here? If we are always in this mode of sitting around and waiting for the next good thing to happen then our life is always on hold.

Because, if we're always sitting and waiting for the next best thing then as soon as we get it how long will we enjoy it? The new car starts getting a few dings in it and trash in the back seat. Pretty soon it's a year old and one of the neighbors has bought a newer model or more expensive car and all of a sudden your love affair with your new car is over. It wasn't quite the fix you thought it would be.

Same with finding the love of your life. The first six months are a honeymoon. A love affair out of a movie. But then we start seeing that the person we love is just another ordinary human being with all the faults and character defects other human beings have.

And maybe that vacation that we fantasize about and were saving money for wasn't all that great. Maybe it rained. Maybe you lost your luggage. Maybe you missed your flight. In any case the memories you return home with weren't very memorable in a positive way.

The point is if we live our lives with the idea that we'll really be happy when we arrive at the next best thing, the next goal or amount of money or job or whatever we're seeking then we aren't living our life in the moment or living our life today. We're living in suspended animation as the minutes and hours and days pass by with us waiting for what we think will make us happy.

But the reality is that nothing will make us happy if that's the way we travel. Because happiness only happens in this moment, not in the future. So the remedy is to keep focused on here and now because this little slice of time is all that God has given us and all that we can count on. It's impossible to be happy in the future today. And it's such a waste of the precious moments we have on this planet.

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Anger Punishes

 "You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger"  Buddha

Anger's an acceptable emotion for some in early recovery.  It sends a clear message that pushes others away.  At the same time it raises blood pressure, creates stress and turmoil, and halts effective communication.  Carried to an extreme it may result in violence.

In the early days, so many TLC clients were angry that we started an anger management class for newcomers.  Clients don't move to the next level until they complete the class.

The Buddha was correct when he said we're punished, not for our anger, but by our anger.  I've never seen a good outcome when one becomes angry.  Even though it's a common weapon in the arsenal of those who've been locked up or who've lived in the streets.

A more effective tool in dealing with others is kindness and compassion. Yes, once in a while someone might think I'm a chump or a pushover because I'm nice. But who cares? Never once have I gotten in trouble by being kind or compassionate.

My experience is that peace and kindness bring us good karma.

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Using Time

 All of a sudden we turn around and February is staring us in the face.

What happened to our New Year’s resolutions? You know. The ones about not smoking? Or losing weight? Or starting school? Or completing your 4th Step?

Oh? Too busy? Life got busy? Maybe you’ve joined the millions who spend hours a week in front of the television or playing video games.

So what’s wrong with that? Nothing at all if done in moderation. But most of us - especially us addicts. - don’t understand the concept of moderation.

Until we're a few years deeper into recovery,  balance, and moderation aren't part of our routine.  Many of us are still in the "more is better mode" and we waste much of our time doing little that's productive.

Even though it seems obvious, time is the one thing that - once wasted - we can never regain.  

We should treasure our time like the gift it is and use it wisely.  Does that mean we should always be working and not savoring life?  Of course not.  But we also shouldn't squander it as though we have an endless supply.

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34 Years Sober

It's amazing how we can change our lives if we just make a decision to do so. I say this, because 34 years ago last month I was sitting on a park bench wondering what I was going to do with my life.

I was homeless. I was addicted to heroin and alcohol. I was sleeping in a stolen car. I had no money, no insurance, and no plans about how I was going to live my life. I was totally demoralized and sick and tired of the way I was living. I had no family or friends who wanted to speak to me. They'd given up.

While sitting on that bench I realized that I had a few choices. I could keep doing what I was doing and end up back in prison, in a hospital, a mental institution, or I could go into a detoxification unit and get sober. After sitting there for some time I decided to try to change my life by getting sober. So I located a detoxification center on Bellevue St. in Mesa, Arizona on January 9, 1992. Even though I had no money or insurance, they accepted me. They kept me there for 11 days, until I no longer had a craving and I was no longer sick. Then they found a local halfway house a few blocks away that would accept me without funds. And that's how I began my journey into recovery.

When I went in that halfway house it was with the idea that I would stay about 30 days. Then I would leave, find an apartment, and begin living like other people. But after I was there 30 days I realized that  wasn't nearly enough time for me to get my life together. I discussed the issue with my sponsor and he suggested I stay six months and get a really solid footing in recovery. So for a change, I listened to someone else's advice, someone who had more experience than I did with recovery, and made a commitment to stay six months.

But even at six months, I realized that I didn't have the solid footing that I felt I needed. So without even discussing it with my sponsor I made a decision on my own to stay in the program a full year before I went out of my own. During the last six months of that stay in the halfway house I went to work for them as a house manager. I enjoyed that kind of work and because I like to help people, I thought I might start a halfway house of my own after I had more experience.

I won't burden you with all the details and hassles I went through to secure my first three houses after I had a year sober. I will tell you that it was scary to take that first step and that the first year was really a bitch. But after the first year things started flowing a little more smoothly and when a few years passed I had a program with over 300 residents in it. In the 33 years since I got sober I've been blessed by being able to help many people do the same thing. And I've also had the sad experience of seeing many people leave our program before the miracle happened and end up overdosing or dying of alcoholism.

I share this with you to let you know that we have choices in our life. And if we take the time to think about what we want to do we might make the right choice.

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Ideas of Change

To alcoholics and addicts the idea of change can be daunting. Any kind of change raises the specter of insecurity. Because many of us are fear-based, we often look at change as though it will bring something negative into our lives. But change can also bring positive things in our life. In fact. Nothing positive or negative comes into our life without change.

My present wonderful circumstances came from what many would rightfully consider a very negative situation. Around 30 years ago I was in the midst of a devastating addiction to heroin, alcohol, and any other drugs I could get my hands on. I was homeless, I was stealing to make a living, to survive. I was totally demoralized and life looked bleak. Because I had been arrested many times I knew that if I were arrested again I would spend a long term inside. I didn't know where to turn.

Even though I feared the change that was about to come in my into my life I decided to get sober. Why did I fear this change? I feared it because I had never lived sober and been happy. The only sobriety I had experienced was when I was locked up in a jail cell or in a hospital ward. It seemed like I was always trying to drown my pain with alcohol or drugs. I was raised in an alcoholic family and it seemed like the only way I could overcome the experiences of my childhood was to immerse myself in alcohol and heroin. Even though using drugs and alcohol had put me in jail for over 15 years, being drunk or high somehow seemed a safe alternative. I was unwilling to deal with the painful experiences of my childhood.

So the idea of getting sober was almost overwhelming. In retrospect, I look back and see how other people probably viewed me. They might have looked at me as someone who didn't have the courage to face themselves. I'm certain that they didn't understand my addictions or all the problems I had staying out of jail and living sober. I know that my parents and my ex-wives probably just thought I was crazy. My addictions became so difficult for them that they became unwilling to have me around. I was no longer welcome in their lives and they told me to go elsewhere.

The idea of changing my life and getting sober was daunting to me. I was facing the biggest change in my entire life. I was finally ready to admit that I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. I walked through my denial and finally admitted that I had no power over any kind of substance. That was a big change.

For some reason the hardest part of the change was simply admitting that I had a problem. However, my life has been getting progressively better since I admitted my problem. Slowly my health came back. The legal problems I was facing went away. I started out in sobriety walking, taking buses, riding bicycles. But eventually I was able to get an automobile. I kept getting better and better jobs and making more and more money. It seemed like things came back to me almost without effort. The center of my being, the focus of my life, was to simply stay clean and sober.

Being in the Present

 In the recovery field, I deal with many troubled people who blame today's problems on how they were raised.  They blame the past for their failure to succeed in relationships, careers or whatever else they set out to do.

As a result, they muddle through life, drinking, using recreational drugs, or serial sex partners to ease their self-induced pain.  They might achieve some degree of success, only to self-destruct because they can't get over whatever happened to them.

Now some of these folks truly have been abused, either sexually or emotionally, and have reason to be distressed about those events.  But I always ask them the same question: do you want to squander the precious moments of your life reacting to what happened 20 or 30 years ago?  Events that may be distorted or magnified by time and the constant reliving of them in your mind?

I remember one client who had a wonderful upbringing with all the amenities and privileges.  Yet she blames her past for her current misery.  No matter what goes on in her life she finds someone else to blame.  She's constructed a fantasy personal history that explains away all her failures and unhappiness - a history that bears no semblance of truth.

The reality for all of us is that life is sometimes a bitch, filled with disappointment and unhappiness.  And the way to get happy is to be real with ourselves and recognize that life sometimes sucks.  If we can really believe that then we can roll with the times when we're down.  We can accept that things don't always go our way.  That the world is sometimes quite unfair.

Obstacles and pain often teach us the most valuable lessons.

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Changes

One of the most valuable lessons in life is learning to accept that change is not only inevitable but necessary. Change forces us out of our comfort zones, encouraging growth and helping us discover new opportunities. When we resist change, we often create more stress, feeling overwhelmed by circumstances that are beyond our control. On the other hand, when we accept it, we open ourselves up to the possibility of reinvention, healing, and progress.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that we have to love every change that comes our way. Not every transformation will feel comfortable or exciting. There will be moments of discomfort, even loss. However, by embracing change, we give ourselves the space to process and adapt. We learn to trust the process, knowing that life’s fluctuations bring new experiences and wisdom that we wouldn't have encountered otherwise.

Change also teaches us resilience. It reminds us that we are capable of adapting and overcoming challenges. Each change is an opportunity to discover our strength and resilience in ways we didn’t know were possible. The more we learn to flow with life’s transitions, the more we grow into the person we are meant to be.

So, next time life presents a change, instead of fighting it, try to embrace it. Let go of the fear, trust in yourself, and know that change often leads to the most beautiful chapters of our lives.