Honoring the Fallen

Monday we celebrated those who gave their lives in service to our country. We honored them with parades and other ceremonies. And it's only fitting. There's no greater sacrifice than for one to die protecting our country.

Like many, I used to get Memorial Day and Veteran's Day confused, not clear about the difference. I now know Memorial Day honors those who died while in service. While Veteran's Day honors all those who served, living or dead.

At TLC and all over our country we deal with many whose lives were changed forever by their service. Many veterans with us today suffer from disabilities, PTSD and/or chronic homelessness. And for many of them alcohol or drugs are the only answer for their painful memories. Others simply escape by taking their lives.

Each day we should take a moment to reflect on the monumental sacrifice our veteran's have made - both the dead and the living.

If it weren't for them we wouldn't have the freedoms we enjoy today to pursue our lives as we choose.

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Staying Forever

 Transitional Living Communities is different from any other program that I'm familiar with - in Arizona - or any other state.  I'm not saying that I'm 100% sure, but I'm unaware of any other programs that allow clients to stay as long as they want.

We actually have residents who've been here as long as 20 years and consider TLC their home.  We've had several residents who became terminally ill and asked to stay with us until they passed away.  And we've allowed them to do so as so as we're able to get them to their medical appointments and trips to their pharmacy.

There are a few reasons for clients staying so long.  Many clients who stay extended periods do so because their family has disowned them.  Or else their family has passed on or else lost contact with them.  We've had many clients who make friendships with one another and end up staying because they want to maintain sober relationships. 

We have some clients who worked as volunteers for a number of years and don't feel like leaving, yet are of retirement age.  They want the benefits of a sober environment and the recovery community they've come to know and love.

There's a happiness study that was started over 80 years ago at Harvard University - that's still going - which found that people enjoy the most happiness in relationships with friends, family and those they're close to.  That may provide a clue why people sometimes spend years living with us.

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A Sponsor's Help

 An alcoholic talks about the help his sponsor gave him years ago while he was doing his 4th step.

In that step he'd written that his ex-wife was "a whore" and that her husband was a "dick." He'd been angry and resentful at them for years.

The sponsor asked why he felt that way.

The man explained that she'd left him for the man who's now her husband. And on top of that, she and her new husband were raising his daughter, whom he hadn't seen since she was very young.

"Were you drinking at the time?" his sponsor asked.

"Of course," he answered.

"Are you paying child support?"

"No," he replied.

Then the sponsor went on to explain that he had no right to be angry. Instead, he pointed out, he should be grateful to them.

After all, his ex-wife and her new husband had been raising his daughter. And without financial help from him up until he got sober.

The man said that after this talk with his sponsor his feelings changed.

He realizes today that the feelings he had toward his ex and her new husband were because of his drinking. They had little to do with them.

And he's grateful to this sponsor for helping him change his perspective.

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Never Happy

For the past few weeks, the weather has been relatively pleasant here in Arizona. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just about right.

Then a couple days ago I came out the door in the afternoon and it was a little bit over 90°. "Here it comes," I thought, "the beginning of a few months of baking in hell."

Then I reflected on about a month or two ago – in fact about all the winter months – when it seemed like it was the coldest winter on record. I think I might've even read that somewhere.

Like I said, never happy.

But the reality is for me, that hot weather is much more preferable than cold. The thing is, it just takes a few weeks of becoming acclimated to it for me to stop thinking about how warm it is. Becoming used to the warm weather is relatively easy for me; but I never get used to the cold weather no matter how long I'm out in it. As soon as we have a few days above 100° I won't be paying too much attention to it at all.

Quite often I talk to people on the East Coast during the summer and they usually ask the same question: how can you stand living in hundred plus degree weather? And my answer's pretty much always the same: the same way you stand living in freezing weather, you just stay inside when it's cold. And that's sort of what we do here when it gets too warm. Those who work outdoors usually start working at first light, or earlier, and wrap things up by mid day. During the summer most of us live in air-conditioned cars and homes. Or else in the swimming pool for those of us fortunate enough to have access to one – which I am.

Part of the reality of life is learning to accept whatever is going on around us, whether it's good weather or bad. But that doesn't mean we have to be happy about it. Nor do we have to be unhappy about it.

Those of us in recovery learn to live life with acceptance if we want to get the most happiness out of our existence. And if we approach life that way everything becomes much easier.

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Are you Happy?

 Ask  anyone about their definition of happiness and you’ll likely get hundreds of different answers.

One person might respond that they would like to become a billionaire. The next person might say that they would like to have a wonderful marriage to a beautiful woman.Still another would like to have a college degree or even become a doctor.

But, as we all know, the list of things that bring us happiness goes on and on and keeps changing from time to time. Because, as soon as we obtain one thing we fancy we soon get used to it, or a newer model comes along and we’re on a new chase.

Why are we built this way? Why can’t we accept and be happy with where we’re at with life as it is?  Part of it, I think is that we were brought up to believe that the more we have the better we are, the more important we are.

And that’s when many of us begin to get into trouble.  Drugs and and alcohol bring us instant gratification.  All of a sudden we’re on top of the world.  We’re wonderful and important and everything is great.  Until it isn’t.  All of a sudden we’re not able to get enough of the magic substances that took us to that place we craved, that place of pleasure that we pursued as we sought more and more gratification.

And those of us who survived came to accept life as it is.  To be grateful for both the good and bad and the ups and down as being part of the the natural order of the universe.

To be happy accept what is and your life will be abundant.

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Self-Talk

 "Emotions are temporary states of mind. Don’t let them permanently destroy you"  unknown

Many times, we act like how we feel at the moment is the way things will be forever. And that's when we're walking on quicksand. Anytime we think that our anger is permanent, we're in trouble. Anytime our frustration seems like a never-ending burden, we're also in trouble.

Because these are the times we let our emotions rule us. And as addicts and alcoholics in recovery, we all know that when we let our emotions rule us we have that magic solution waiting for us: either a visit to the dope house or the liquor store. And there is no such thing in my world as one visit to a dope house. Or one visit to the liquor department. Once the ball gets rolling, someone else has to stop it because I'm usually incapable of doing it. And that someone who will usually stop it for me is a representative of the law – either a police officer or a parole officer. Once I get addicted to whatever I'm using at the time, it's never a fun thing when it comes to a screeching halt because by then I've lost everything, and I usually end up living the next few months or years in some type of cage.

But now that I've been sober 34 years, I don't get into these situations anymore. I've learned something called "self-talk." And you know, the more I use it, the easier it gets for me to talk myself out of a bad place or a bad mood and move on with my day.

Since I work in a recovery program, I have many opportunities to see people who are acting like their life is in permanent trouble over a temporary situation. Their family may be angry with them. They may have to pay child custody payments and not have a job. They may have hepatitis C. Maybe their last excursion in the drug world cost them everything they had, plus a moment or two in jail – something that they're still fighting about even though it's in the past and they once more have their freedom. You name the problem, and I've had someone tell me about it.

But I try to teach them what I do without being critical of them. I may tell them that I didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning, but instead, I placed my feet on the floor, got into my gym clothes, and spent 30 to 45 minutes dragging my carcass around the gym. At the same time, I'm doing this, I also have a set of headphones and am listening to some type of positive thinking talk. There are so many resources today that we can listen to on YouTube for nothing, the motivation that will reset any kind of bad mood.

I tell myself things like "John, you didn't get sober and clean to lead. So get off your ass and get moving and do something for someone else. It will make you feel better." And invariably whatever I tell myself of this nature works. Because I did not get sober to lead a miserable life. I got sober to be happy, joyous, and free of the kind of emotions that used to drive me to feel good, experimenting with different chemicals. Experiments – by the way – I never could seem to get right.

So while it might sound silly to talk to yourself, remember that no one has to hear you talk because you don't have to say anything out loud. The conversation only takes place in your head. But if it's a good conversation, it gets you on fire. It gets you to open your meditation book. It gets you to do some push-ups. It makes you open your iPad and listen to a motivational talk.

If that temporary state of mind that you're carrying around is negative, I challenge you to change it. Because I know that if one thing an alcoholic or addict has is a creative mind, if he didn't have one he wouldn't have been able to hustle enough drugs to stay high.

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Small Moments

I've read in Eastern literature that being in this moment is healthy for our emotional stability.  Is it because when we're in this moment we're fully at the center of our personal universe?  We're alive in this second that our creator has granted us.

When we're in this small moment life is manageable. The problems we have are present now, in bite-sized moments of time. That's something we can handle. That's why the 12-Step programs emphasize staying sober a day at a time.

But the problem with me - and many other addicts - is that we often look outside of ourselves for solutions.  We blame other people and situations beyond our control when things go sideways.  But regardless of what happens - most all of our answers and solutions lie within.  And, you may ask what is this magic solution that lies within?  How does it work?  How do I apply it in my life?  After all, many  of us have read all kinds of self-help books and we still have no tranquility or satisfaction,  But it's simple.

Acceptance.  It will bring us emotional stability.  If there's no solution to what's going on in our life at this moment, then we accept it.  And that acceptance will vaporize the problem.  Maybe the problem will remain unsolved.  Maybe it won't. But because we've accepted it, we have our solution.

Many can't believe it's that simple.  But try it; it's free.  Plus, we can always go back to not accepting whatever it is and see how that feels.  This is a wonderful tool you can use for a better life.

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Why get Sober?

I was talking to a newcomer to our program last week, and he asked a serious question.  What he asked, essentially, was why he should even get sober?  To go through the effort?

So I asked him why he came in.  He said his probation officer told him that it was either our program or time in the County Jail.

"And jail didn't appeal to you? I asked him.

"This was my only choice," he replied.

"Not really," I told him. "Many people choose to be locked up rather than make the effort to change their lives."

He reflected for a while, as if examining his options.

Then I told him some of my own story.  I, for many years, decided I'd rather be in jail than in a rehab somewhere trying to change my life. But then one day, I had a long conversation with myself while I was in a park sipping a bottle of rotgut wine. l knew I was either going to drink myself to death, or end up in a mental hospital, or return once again to prison. So I went to a detox and my life changed,

When I left that detox, I spent a year in a halfway house.  It's too long of a story to tell here, but when I left that halfway house, I purchased a building and started my own program.  I knew that working around addicts and alcoholics would help me stay sober, and it has - for 34 years now.  But many more blessings came about.

After three or four years, I was back in the good graces of my family. I began to make investments in real estate and became financially free. I wasn't looking over my shoulder anymore, wondering if the police were going to pull me over. Yes, life still had its problems, but I found that being sober made them manageable.

The biggest blessing is that I can communicate with my children and grandchildren.  I can have a relationship with them.  And happiness, for me, is good relationships with others.  And most of all - with my family.

After I talked with him for a while, I think he's going to stick around and try to make the changes he needs to live clean and sober.  I wish him well.

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