Tuff Love

A woman sent an email recently about her father, a man in his seventies, who had relapsed and started using again.

She wrote that she and her husband had given him an ultimatum: that they would no longer communicate with him or be in his life until he sought help.

By the tone of her email, I could tell that she was quite distressed by having to take that position with her father, who isn't in the best of health.

But in my opinion, that's the most loving thing she could have done for her father – to try to help him salvage the remaining years of his life and live them in health and sobriety.  I've never met this lady and admire her courage, because somewhere along the way she's learned tough love and has put it into action.  Even though he hasn't asked her for money or financial help, she doesn't want to socialize with him while he's under the influence of whatever poison is putting in his body.

She's a rare species.  Because most family members I deal with are seeking some kind of magic potion that will instantly cure their loved ones without having to do anything painful to them. 

But this woman apparently understands that we addicts will use anyone we can to get whatever we want as long as we're in the grips of our disease.  We'll lie to our children, our wives, our parents, anyone we can take advantage of.  We'll steal from our employers, strangers, or anyone else who's vulnerable.  We'll risk our health, our freedom or sanity for that temporary rush of euphoria our drug of choice brings us.

And the best way to help someone who is caught up in addiction is exactly what this woman did. She and her husband presented a united front by taking a position with someone dear to them. Because they realize that the father has the choice. 

And the choice is his family or the poison that he's putting into his body.

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Patience

When people would say "patience is a virtue," I really didn't understand it as I do today.

My attitude was to hell with patience. I want what I want. And I want it now. You be patient if you want. But I want it all. And the sooner the better.

But as time goes on, I've come to believe that patience is probably one of our primary virtues.

Today I know that being patient is almost a spiritual thing. For example if 40 years ago I've have been given all the blessings I have today I wouldn't have known how to manage or take care of them. Because I never had gratitude for the things that came to me without much effort on my part. I'd just fritter them away and move on to the next thing I could ruin.

In 1992 if someone had asked me to describe what life would be like in 34 years I would have drawn a small picture.

Of course no one asked me. I simply got up and went to work each day. I didn't move too fast. Yet everything I wanted showed up in my life just when I needed.

If I needed a house for incoming clients, somehow it would show up. Even though I didn't have credit For the first seven years of my recovery I was able to house hundreds of addicts. People would sell me property with no money down. Once I got three houses with no interest payments.

It became so routine for things to show up just when I needed them that I never worry about finances or employees today. If we need equipment, or housing, or a new staff member, I tell the staff to just tie off for a day or two. What we need will show up.

I get so many parents who write me about their children. Their letters are beautiful, sometimes so painful I want to cry for them. I suggest that their child is out there on the streets learning what doesn't work. And sometimes I get happy letters back telling me their kid returned and he's in recovery.

I believe that God, our Higher Power, or the Universe has our interests at heart. And when we walk the path of patience we might get better answers than we even hoped for.

It's happened for me. Today I have a wonderful life.  A beautiful wife who takes good care of me.  A staff that loves our clients and does their best to help them.  More material things than I need. And I attribute much of it to the idea that I've grasped the virtue of patience.

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Getting home Safely

 I believe it always pays to be kind to other drivers when we're on the highway.

Because a lot of times we'll be driving and someone will cut us off and we immediately respond with anger. But the reality is, unless we have extrasensory perception, we don't know what's going on with the driver in the other car. Many times we make the assumption that they're just naturally rude – or at the best – very unaware of the other drivers. But the reality is that we don't know what's going on with others. Maybe they're on the way to the hospital to visit a sick relative. Maybe they just got into an argument with their spouse. Perhaps they just lost their job. Even though I have a human tendency to come down on the side of negative, I feel a lot better if I give the person in the other vehicle the benefit of the doubt.

I don't believe that rude drivers get up in the morning and say "I think I'll go out and drive crazy and get everyone angry at me."  Instead, I think they always have something on their minds that takes their attention away from their driving. That's not an excuse for driving rudely or cutting others off.  But it is something to think about when we get upset on the road at the way others are driving a 4000 pound vehicle that could do a lot of damage if it got out of control over some petty anger.

And when we look back at these kind of incidents that inevitably occur once in a while, we really don't remember much about them or why they occurred. Unless we get into a real accident, the things that happen on the highway are very unimportant in the scheme of things. 

And the nice thing is that we get home safely to our family and loved ones.

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Not How We Roll

 TLC's recovery program is quite often the last door on the block for many addicts.

They might be on parole or probation. Maybe they have warrants. Perhaps tattoos on their faces that limit their employment opportunities. Some lack basic social skills, having grown up in institutions or prisons.

Yet we work with them as long as they'll allow us to do so. And as long as they're willing we're willing.

We even work with these clients when they develop health issues. As many do. Some have smoked for years. Others don't have the vaguest idea about the benefits of diet, exercise, meditation. And it's hard to teach them how to live differently, how to overcome years of poor life choices.

We've have many clients develop emphysema, heart disease, cancer, and other debilitating disease. And many of them fear that just because they can't produce we're going to kick them to the curb. To leave them homeless. But that's not how we roll.

For us that's not the moral thing to do. When we have clients who are ill we help them get better. If they can't work a full day, we find something for them part time. Maybe a clerical job that requires little physical effort and that's low stress.

Because our mission is to help rebuild their lives. And over the years we've learned that some of those we try to help aren't in the best of health.

Our mission is to help them anyway.

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Looking at Happiness

If you're not happy you might look closer at your life.

When I was growing up, there was a philosophy many people lived by. It was go to school, get a good job, get married, own a house and a decent car. Retire with benefits and chill from then on.

Of course, those who believed that were from my parent's generation. Those who lived through the depression and World War II. And maybe some of them were happy when they achieved those goals.

I never asked them. While they were alive I was pursuing my version of happiness. Which was to  stay drunk and high for as long as I could.

And once I tired of the pain and misery I got sober and started living kind of like other people

It wasn't until later that the happiness question came up for me. I'd acquired what many consider success: happy marriage, business, friends, great income, investments, and so forth.

While these things are great, there's one thing that gives me special satisfaction. And that's giving others the opportunity to change their lives.

Every once in a while I'll be in public and someone will come up and thank me for helping them. And most of the time I don't remember them. They were at TLC years earlier. They now have a family, a good job or business.

They give us credit for their success. And I'm gracious and thank them. But the reality is that somewhere within they had a desire for a better life.

And they used our program to pull themselves up - just the way we designed it.  And that makes me happy.

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What's Your Story?

I've been working with addicts and alcoholics for over 33 years, throughout my entire sobriety. And I have yet to meet a one of them who doesn't have some kind of story.

And the stories aren't all bad. Nor are they all good. And I doubt if most of them are100% true: after all, a good story has to have a little drama if we expect people to listen to us.

Yes all of us – me included – have some kind of story woven through our lives, a trail of footprints that show the path we took to get to this point of our life. Many of us who've been around for a while have a pretty decent story. A story of sobriety, of building a new family, of building a business or getting an education – something that we can be really proud of. And for those of you who have this kind of the story this blog probably won't have a lot of meaning for you.

But many people get stuck on a story that's really quite terrible. One of an abusive childhood. Living in juvenile hall. Going without more often than not.

And if you have that kind of a story, one that has led you to live a life of being homeless, of being in prison, and having no self-esteem this blog is for you. Because my point is that you can tell a new story about your life. You can write a new plot for your life. You can use your imagination to create new goals. New aspirations.

I know what I'm telling you is true. Because at one time I had a terrible story. I grew up in an alcoholic and violent home. I never was sure where I was going to be living the following month. I was in and out of juvenile hall and jail for much of my young life. I had a real sad story and it seemed like I told it to anyone who would listen to me.

And it wasn't until I was in my early 50s that I decided that things must change or I was going to die or spend the rest of my life incarcerated. So I wrote a new story for myself. I decided to use what skill and talent I had to become a businessman, a sober member of society, as good a parent as I could be to my already grown children and so on. And the interesting thing is that within 2 to 3 years my whole life was different. I was sober. I was in the first few years of building a successful business organization. I had friends. My family had come back to me. My whole world changed. The only reason it changed was because I changed the plot.

So if you find yourself in that kind of situation try to write a new storyline for your life. Imagine the kind of job you want. Imagine the kind of relationship you want to have. Imagine yourself being clean and sober. Before you know it – even though you might have to edit your story a little bit – you'll be a different human being. You'll be able to live up to your potential and have a story of gratitude, rather than a story of negativity.

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Living in the Moment

 Clients often come to my office with issues they can't solve.

If I haven't met them I spend a few minutes getting acquainted. How long have you been with us? Where are you from? How many times have you been to treatment? What's your drug of choice?

While my questions are more of a way to get them to relax, I also learn enough to maybe help them with their issue or issues.

But most of the help I give them is about changing their perspective. I can't remember a client coming to me with a problem that could be resolved in the present moment.

That is, whatever is going on with them has something to do with the past or the future – not this moment.

"I have to go to court when I get home because I have a warrant."

"My family is rejecting me because I can't quit using heroin."

"I think my wife is divorcing me over my drug use."

The way to feel better when thinking about what might happen or what has already happened, is to learn to live in the moment. Because if we look around us at the now, everything is okay.

But if we're in a far off future, or if we're mucking around in the past, it's easy to feel bad about our lives.

When Mark Twain was at the end of his life he said "I'm an old man and I've been through many terrible things in my life. And some of them actually happened."

If we can adapt this viewpoint for ourselves we might find more acceptance and joy in our days. Less fretting about the future or the past.

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How about Happiness?

When we think about why we're unhappy, it's easy to figure out why. It's because we don't have what we want.

And we want what we want because we think we'll be happier when we have it in our hands.

It can be that ideal job. That wonderful car. That woman we've been trying to date. A fancy home in a certain neighborhood. Everyone's idea of what will bring them lasting happiness is different.

Then after a while the newness wears off, the wow factor disappears and we have to find something new to focus on. Only to repeat the cycle again.

The other day I was watching a video by a Harvard professor giving a lecture on happiness to a class of professors.

He asked them 'How many of you awoke this morning and said "Gee, I'm so happy now that I have my degree?" And of course the response was a roomful of laughs. But he made a good point that talked about the process rather than the goal.

Happiness is often hard to put our finger on. But as we grow older we find out that it's not the things we acquire. It's not the money in the bank. Nor is it the title on the door.

Those who are truly happy have gratitude for all they have in their lives. But if you ask them what makes them the happiest they'll tell you it's the experience of achieving what they have with their lives – not the possessions they’ve accumulated.

Happiness is doing for others. Happiness is giving of our time. Happiness is working to improve the road for those who come behind us. We can find true happiness as we make the the world a better place.

That's the kind of legacy we want to leave our children and loved ones.  That's a good reason to get sober.

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Freedom Day

The 4th of July is one of the biggest celebrations in our nation.  This day in 1776 we celebrated the independence of the 13 colonies from Great Britain.

But for us sober alcoholics and addicts it denotes much more than the political freedom that was declared way back in history.  For us, real freedom came when we threw away the spoon and threw out the bottles.  For it is the day we reclaimed our lives.  We stopped being slaves to substances and alcohol.  We found that our new freedom allowed us to rebuild our lives. We could take responsibilities and follow through with them.

On the day we declared our personal freedom we took a major step.  We were able stop going to prison.  We were able to build relationships.  To get married.  To return to our families or to start building one of our own.

Many Americans I meet aren't that philosophical about the 4th of July.   It's merely a time to celebrate.  Maybe take a day from work and go fishing or have a barbeque.  Do something fun.  But out freedom allows us to do much more than that.  We are now free to express ourself as we wish - as long as long as it doesn't hurt others.

If we look about we can discover the freedoms we have in our country that others don't enjoy.  We can educate ourselves.  We can build a business.  We can become a benefactor to others.  Our choices are unlimited.

Today my freedom allows me to make positive choices to enhance my life.

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