How we Work

 At TLC we provide a continuum of care.

It starts from when a client walks in the door, until they move into one of our sober living units months later.

At the beginning - if they need it - we send them to a detoxification unit. Once they're sent back they undergo a three day orientation period to show them how TLC functions and what's expected of them.

Then, unless they have a job, we put them on a labor ticket until they get a week ahead on their service fees of $175 a week. It usually takes them a few weeks to get ahead. 

While we advertise as a ninety day program, we find that those who have the most success stay longer. We have some clients who've been with us more than 20 years. Those who stay a year add to their chances of success because they've gotten into the habit of staying sober and living a normal life. They get into a routine of going to meetings and making new friends in recovery.

Those who move to our sober living apartments have an opportunity to live in the community with minimal restrictions. They're still subject to drug testing. But it's a great opportunity for them to have inexpensive housing. Something many of them can't do because they have an arrest record.

Our system works well for those who are serious about life change and living sober.

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Acceptance

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Reinhold Niebuhr 1892-1971

The history of the Serenity Prayer dates back to a 1932 diary entry by German-American theologist, Reinhold Niebuhr. Finding this entry closed a 5-year long debate regarding the origin of the prayer.

The prayer was ultimately brought into the mainstream by the 12 step programs, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous.

And in this writer's opinion the word "accept" is one of the most important ingredients in a person's recovery. And why do I say that?

The primary reason is that we cannot resolve a problem or situation until we admit we have one.   That's why many people – before they get sober – will strongly deny that they have a problem.  And I was one of those people.  I was using alcohol and heroin and still denying every day that I had a problem.  Even though I was living in a stolen car and stealing every day to support my habit, I still couldn't accept the idea that I had a problem. I only accepted that I had a problem when life became too painful for me.

But it's amazing how quickly my life changed once I went into a detoxification program and started learning about recovery. In fact, it seemed almost effortless. When I went into the detox all I really wanted was for the pain to stop. And it did stop. Immediately. And that change was all based upon my acceptance of the fact that I had a problem with substances of all kinds.

While this blog mostly is about alcohol and substance abuse, the reality that is that the idea of acceptance can be applied to many of the problems in our life. If we have a problem with cigarettes, we can accept that we have a problem and find a program that will help us quit. If we are overweight, we can develop some kind of weight loss plan. If we have financial problems, we can either find employment or start a business. While it might seem simplistic, the starting point of all of our changes is to accept that we have a problem to solve and then get busy solving it.

And in closing, I want to say that if we don't accept that we have a problem with drugs or alcohol – and we do – then we don't have a chance in hell to stay sober.

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Surrender

 Often at AA meetings we hear the word "surrender "

Today I understand what surrender means. But at one time I walked through life with the idea that I'd never surrender anything. And I didn't.

I was one of those arrogant, egotistical, people who thought they knew everything and thought they ran everything. No one could tell me anything about my lifestyle. About getting an education. About using drugs and alcohol. From the time I was a teenager I did things just the way I wanted to most of the time.

And playing captain of the universe as I did showed me just exactly how smart I was. Because nearly everything I put my hands on, I messed up. My know-it-attitude and unwillingness to listen to others resulted in me spending something like 16 years locked up in various institutions for stupid drug charges and the crimes associated with obtaining drugs.

Yet today, I follow the dictum in the big book that says "we ceased fighting anyone or anything..." And you know, for some reason the world is a much easier and pleasant place. I finally came to the point where I realize that cause-and-effect is a reality. That there's a purpose and a lesson behind nearly every challenge that we meet.

And I sometimes wonder – in moments of whimsy – why it took me so long to learn the simple lesson that there's a certain kind of sweet victory when we surrender in these unwinnable battles with ourselves.

For example, I used to have a bad habit of wanting to be right about everything – even if it didn't make a bigger difference one way or the other. It was just my fragile alcoholic ego at play and I wasn't even smart enough to recognize that.

Today I have strong opinions about things just like before; but the main thing is that I keep my mouth shut because no matter what I say I'm not going to convince anybody that I'm right or wrong. And even more than that nobody, gives a crap because they have their own opinions.

To be sober and happy I believe that one must flow with life. I need to give up the idea that I have to always be right about everything. I believe that whenever we have a chance we must express kindness rather than anger over silly things that mean little or nothing. After all, life is short and we need to do our best to enjoy it without fighting with ourselves or anyone else. And that's how we surrender.

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Where does Compassion Stop?

I think of myself as a compassionate person. But there are times when compassion is not what I feel toward some people. Instead, what I feel is a kind of anger toward certain people, or at the very minimum, deep disappointment.

It's not because they did anything to me. To the contrary: they would be surprised that I have any interest in all in what they're doing or that I have any concern at all about their situation. But being without compassion is not who I want to be or how I view myself. I like to view myself as being compassionate to everyone.

To explain further, to shed light on what I'm talking about, this really has nothing to do directly with me. It's probably even really none of my business.

One of the situations has to do with a good friend of mine who has a family member who is elderly, yet functional. He spends a great deal of his free time doing nice things for her. He sometimes cooks for her. He accompanies her to medical appointments and sits in while the doctor talks to her. He loves her and does a lot to show it. He's probably one of the most helpful people I know, not just with his family but with everyone else in his life.

The problem comes up because she doesn't follow directions when it comes to her well-being. The biggest instruction the doctor gives her is to get more exercise. When she complains of feeling tired, he tells her to get more exercise. When she says she feels cold all the time he tells her she needs more exercise. Virtually every complaint she has the doctor's response is always that she needs to get her strength built up and she can only do that by exercising. Yet for some reason, she can't comply.

On occasion, she has fallen and had to call for help. However, if she'd followed the doctor's orders she probably would have better balance and not be as likely to fall. My friend's concern is that she will continue to become weaker because of lack of exercise and will eventually require the kind of care she could only get in a nursing home.

The other situation I'm talking about involves an older woman who has smoked all of her life. Smoking has caused her to have more than one heart attack, stents put in her heart valves, a pacemaker installed, stents placed in her legs, and many ambulance trips to the hospital. Yet, in spite of all the medical interventions she has had she refuses to quit smoking – or even try. She has even asked people to smuggle her cigarettes into the hospital intensive care unit. She tells her family that she doesn't want to live and doesn't care if cigarettes kill her. And while she's been this way for many years, it's caused her family a great deal of suffering watching the misery she goes through.

And that's where the question of compassion comes in. Because while I feel sorry for these two sick people I described here, I feel even worse for family members who are forced to witness their painful decline. While it's not my place to judge others because I definitely have my own character defects I have a tough time mustering up any compassion for people who are dedicated to destroying their lives. Because I'm a person who believes that a person has a right to kill themselves however they want. But the problem for me is the suffering it causes those around them, those who care for them.

It's one thing for us to destroy ourselves for whatever reason. Whether we're sick. Or whether we have an addiction. But do we have a right to make those around us suffer while we are actively – or passively – shortening our lives while others stand around helplessly watching us suffer?

I ask myself if compassion is a blanket proposition? To be a compassionate person, must we be compassionate toward everyone? Is compassion something we can be selective about? For me, it's a conundrum.

All I know is that I hate to see my friends and those I care about suffer when those they love won't care for themselves.

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Being Compassionate

In the 34+ years I've been sober, I've tried to be compassionate to my fellow man. And most of the time, I'm successful at it.

I'm not a person who holds grudges. I don't stay resentful at anyone for long. And I try to practice forgiveness of those who commit even the most egregious offenses toward me. And that's because I don't want to carry a lot of garbage around in my head. After all, I'd much rather spend my precious time enjoying life and doing what I can to help my fellow addicts and alcoholics have better lives.

I bring this up, because for the past 34+ years of my recovery – working with TLC – it seems like I've always had someone angry at me about something. For a long time, there was a guy who had the strange idea that he owned part of TLC, simply because he was one of the first 10 residents in the program. While he spent 20 years in prison he wrote letters to everyone he could think of trying to make sure that he got the part of the company he owned. Maybe I don't hear anything about him anymore is that we got a restraining order against him for two years in a row and haven't seen or heard from him since.

Then about 10 or 12 years ago, there was a gentleman who made me the topic of conversation at every 12 step meeting he attended. He went to every governmental agency in the state, including the governor's office, the Attorney General's office, the legislature, the Environmental Protection Agency and I don't know who else, trying to put us out of business. Whatever he was doing, it didn't work. Because we're still in business, helping people get sober and clean.

But the interesting part of it to me was that I had no idea who this guy was or what his problem was. He was just someone who was very angry at me and TLC and spent a whole lot of headspace and time trying to have something done about us. I'm still curious about why he was angry.

And just when I thought that maybe the craziness had died down for a while, late last year another delusional person pops up to make us a target.

And the strange thing is that I'm not angry at any of these people. In fact, I have a lot of compassion and pity for them because they're wasting their lives and precious time on this planet trying to harm those who are performing a service to the community.  Each of them could use their innate intelligence and ability to build a great life for themselves if they only did positive things – rather than looking at themselves as victims.

Because my experience has been that those who characterize themselves as victims usually live up to their self-image.

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Running a program

 Running a company that’s operated by 99% drug addicts is an educational experience.

There’s no college that I know of that teaches how to manage a recovery program of 350 drug addicts – and do it without government funding or grants.

Now there are people with a lot of letters after their names who work for us. And they help us operate professionally and look businesslike. But none were involved in the founding or keeping the doors open when times were depressed.

No colleges teach how to operate without insurance or equipment or property or capital. None that I’m aware of.

The difference between us and other organizations is that we’re on a mission to stay sober and help others to get sober – whether they have money or not. The only people we don’t accept is sex offenders or arsonists because we don’t know how to help them.

The nice thing about our organization is that it is managed by addicts from top to bottom.

And we would be happy to help the government learn to use our template if they would let us do it without drowning us in bureaucracy and paperwork.

But if they let a bunch of drug addicts help them that might be kind of like admitting failure.

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Hedonic Treadmill

One of the characteristic beliefs of many addicts - and non-addicts - is that money will bring them success and happiness.  Not so.  

Now there's little doubt that money will bring us a degree of pleasure, at least on a temporary basis.  But when we tire of that pleasure, we think that maybe a little more will make our lives wonderful.  So, we work to get a bigger house.  A nicer car.  A better wardrobe.  More jewelry.  And stuff that we think will fulfill our lives.

In psychology it is often described as the "hedonic treadmill."  I run and run harder and faster to accumulate more stuff.  Then I'll be happy.  But sooner or later we find that more stuff is not the key to happiness.  Many wear themselves out on the treadmill, and soon realize that there other ways to happiness aside from accumulating stuff that only brings pleasure for while.

Those who get off that path may decide to improve their lives by going to school.  Learning to play a musical instrument.  Joining a church. Volunteering at a senior center, or becoming active in sponsoring others in recovery.

When we devote ourselves to learning a new skill or to helping others improve their lives then we find true happiness.

I once thought the same way:  that a lot of material things would make me happy.  But once I got those things they didn't give me what I wanted.   

So I devoted my life to helping others change for the better and achieve their goals in life.  That's what brought me the happiness that I have today.

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Living in the Present

 A man at a twelve-step meeting this morning was talking about how he'd just gotten out of prison within the past few weeks.

During a major portion of his incarceration, he was locked in a small cell for 23 hours a day. He said that all he thought about when he was inside was what he was going to do when he got out, when he finally got into freedom.

But then he discovered, when he arrived at TLC, that he would be on restriction for three days. Plus, the program has a lot of rules that kept him from going anywhere or doing anything until he had a little bit of time in the program. He said that it frustrated him so much that he almost left because he knew he could get a job somewhere and rent a place to live where he could do just as he pleased.

As I listened to him speak, I realized that his mind and imagination were somewhere in the future. He didn't have a word of gratitude for the idea that he was out from behind prison walls and in a place where he could begin a new life. And somehow, he had the bizarre idea that if he went somewhere else that he would be much happier. That all his problems would be taken care of.

Now I'm not criticizing this gentleman. I am simply using him as a example. Because many of us think just as he does. That if we just get to that next place in life, we're going to be much happier. Life will be more rewarding.

And I know that many of you understand what I'm talking about. We get a new job, new home, new car, new girlfriend and we think that at last we have found happiness. But before long reality sets in. Reaching the goal, we had to acquire something new didn't provide the satisfaction we wanted. The new girlfriend is wearing out our credit card. Our new car isn't quite as cool as we thought it was. And the house requires constant maintenance and cleaning. And that job is okay, but the boss as it turns out, is a tyrant.

Now there's nothing wrong with setting goals and trying to improve our lives. But if we're on a constant gerbil wheel of running real fast but not getting anywhere, it's probably because our mind is off in the future someplace. At some point, to get some satisfaction out of life we have to learn that where we are right now is pretty much okay.

This applies especially those of us who have suffered greatly from our lifestyle of finding instant gratification in our chemical of choice. Once I learned to live drug-free in the here and now life had much more depth and became much more enjoyable.

As far as I know, there is no better place to be than in this moment right here right now. And not with my mind wandering off in some fantasy future.

Click here to email John