Seeing Myself

Something that's helped me last for over 34 years in the recovery field is that I started my addiction young. I started using in my teens and continued into my early fifties - around 38 years.

Now, mind you, that wasn't 38 years straight. For some 16 years of that time I was a ward of the state.. I was locked up periodically for possession and other crimes that go with using. And one of those years I spent in a State Hospital in Norwalk, California.

I bring this up because when we first opened TLC,  I was sometimes dismayed at the way clients acted. They would lie. Cheat. Steal. Break curfew and every other rule. Give us dirty UAs. I wondered why they were even there.

Then one day I realized I behaved the same way when I was in my twenties. I lied about everything. Stole. Cheated. During those years I - like many of our clients - was my own worst enemy.

Once I recognized myself in these young clients I developed a lot more patience. More tolerance. I'm much more willing to give a client who screws up another chance.

Today I realize it takes a certain amount of pain before we're motivated to change. I can only hope and pray that our clients last long enough to get the message.

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24 Hour Disease

Addiction's a 24 hour disease. When I shot heroin it wasn't just nine to five, five days a week. It was a full time job.

I'd steal money or merchandise to get my next fix. Then I had to find my connection before I got sick. I was running all the time.

Same when I drank. If I was upright and conscious I needed a drink. If you didn't have anything for me, or if I was broke, then I'd shoplift something to drink from a convenience store.

I was like a rat on a wheel. Running like crazy and going nowhere. Well, maybe to oblivion.

I bring this up because someone mentioned that I seemed busy yesterday. And I was. It started around four a.m. A young small voice whispering on the phone because she didn't want her family to hear her call for help. We talked and texted over several hours before she quit communicating. I hope she's alright.

Then several emails from across the country. Can you help my son? Can you help me? We're broke, but need help. Should I throw him out? Am I enabling him? How can I convince him to change?

These are heart-wrenching questions with a sense of urgency. So I venture my opinion without being judgmental - even though part of me wants to be.

To this long-term addict, the answer is obvious. But to the person who loves them - who has no experience with addicts - it's overwhelming. So I respond kindly and gently and hope that my words give them a shred of something helpful. And inside I pray the addict makes it before it's too late, before they die or suffer irreversible damage.

Later, other calls. One from a halfway house resident letting me know he finally found a job. Trivial to me, but big to him. So I congratulate him and am happy for him.

Being busy is life in the recovery business. It's not punishing work. Not digging-ditches at a 110 degrees. Instead, it's a steady grind of communication from the desperate and angry and sometimes ungrateful.

For protection I spray imaginary Teflon on my brain so I can let things slide off and not stick for long - if at all. 

And I recall that a lot of kind people were there for me during the 42 years of my active using. And they didn't give up.

And that's why I'm okay being busy today.

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Responsibility: the Key

As a recovering addict, I know all too well the challenges that come with staying clean. It's a constant battle—a daily choice to resist old habits and make healthier decisions.  But there's one key factor that has made all the difference for me: taking responsibility for my behavior.

For years, I blamed everyone and everything else for my addiction. I was trapped in a cycle of denial and excuses, never once stopping to consider the impact of my actions on myself and those around me. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized the only way out was to own up to my behavior and take control of my life.

Learning to take responsibility for my behavior was a game-changer. Instead of playing the victim card, I began to acknowledge the role I played in my own downfall. I accepted that my addiction was a result of my choices and actions, and that only I had the power to change course. It was empowering yet daunting, but I knew it was the only way forward.

With this newfound sense of responsibility came a shift in perspective. I started to see my addiction not as a curse but as a challenge—an opportunity to grow and become a better version of myself. I sought out therapy, support groups, and counseling to help me navigate this new path. And slowly but surely, I began to see progress.

Taking responsibility for my behavior meant holding myself accountable for my actions. I made amends to those I'd hurt, I learned to set boundaries and say no to temptation, And most importantly, I prioritized my physical and mental well-being. It wasn't easy, and there were setbacks along the way, but each hurdle only reinforced my commitment to staying clean.

Today, I can proudly say that I have over 34 years in recovery, and I owe it all to the simple yet profound act of taking responsibility for my behavior. It's a lesson that has not only kept me sober but has also transformed me into a stronger, more resilient individual. 

If you're a recovering addict struggling to stay clean, remember this: it all starts with owning up to your past and shaping your future.

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Why get Sober

I was talking to a newcomer to our program last week and he asked a serious question.  What he asked, essentially, was why should he even get sober? To go through the effort?

So I asked him why he came in.  He said his probation officer told him that it was either our program or time in the County Jail.

"And jail didn't appeal to you? I asked him.

"This was my only choice," he replied.

"Not really," I told him. "We have a lot of people who would rather be locked up rather than put in the effort here to change their lives."

He reflected for a while, as if examining his options.

Then I told him some of my own story.  I, for many years, decided I'd rather be in jail than in a rehab somewhere trying to change my life. But then one day I had a long conversation with myself while I was in a park sipping a bottle of rotgut wine. l knew that I was either going to drink myself to death, or end up in a mental hospital or return again to prison. So I went to a detox and my life changed,

When I left that detox I spent a year in a halfway house.  It's too long of a story to tell here, but when I left that halfway house I purchased a building and started a program of my own.  I knew that working around addicts and alcoholics would help me stay sober and it has - for 34 years now.  But many more blessings came about.

I was back in the good graces of my family after three or four years.  I began to make investments in real estate, and became financially free.  I wasn't looking over my shoulder any longer, wondering if the police were going to pull me over. Yes, life still had its problems, but I found that being sober made them manageable.

The biggest blessing, though, is that I can communicate with my children and grandchildren.  I can have a relationship with them.  And happiness, for me, is good relationships with others.  And most of all - with my family.

After I talked with him for a while I think he's going to stick around and try to make the changes he needs to live clean and sober.

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I accept my Problem

 At a 12 step meeting this morning the topic was acceptance.

But for those of us old timers who have been around for over 30 years it's still one of the most important words that one will hear in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  And why is that?

In most cases it is quite simple.  But we alcoholics and addicts seem to have a proclivity for making things complex.   Those who are newcomers seem to have the most difficulty with this concept.  But think about it for a moment.  Until we accept the idea that we have problems there is not a chance in hell that we're able to solve it. 

It's like the discovery that our automobile has run out of gas.  Until we accept the fact that our tank is empty we're not going to be able to get going again until we buy a couple more gallons of gasoline.

It's not uncommon to hear people in the rooms blame nearly everything and everyone else for the fact that they have the problems they do.  They may have gotten a divorce.  Many have just been released from prison. They may have lost their job.  They may be ill or have suffered an accident. Whatever the situation, they don't accept that where they are in life is their responsibility.  Yet they must look in the mirror and point the finger at the image looking back at them: the face in the mirror looking back at them is the cause of all their problems.   

While it is true that many of us were brought up in an alcoholic home or bad neighborhoods what does that have to do with our lives today?   What can we do with that poor history?  About the only thing we can do about it is accept it.  Or we could take the destructive way out and go get drunk or high.  And it's really about as simple as that.

Nothing gives me more joy than when I hear an AA member accept the fact that all of his problems can be solved by one word: acceptance.  

If you're having a problem with that word, just try it on. If you let it sink in really deep you will find that you have discovered a wonderful cure for your alcoholism and addiction.

I promise that it works.

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Out of Control

A friend in recovery was talking about how he felt his life was out of control.

My response was that of course it was.  Because when it comes right down to it, all of our lives are out of control, at least to some degree. Regardless of how much power we think we have.

For example, we go to college and get a degree and expect a great job when we graduate. But then it doesn't happen because the economy goes into a recession and nothing is available.

We have a crush on the woman in the next office, but she won't even look our way.

The path to happiness can be happy and smooth and level.  Or it can be rocky and steep and hard work every step of the way.  

The way to happiness is to realize that we have little or no control of anything outside our own skin.  Once we accept that and realize it we are a much happier human being.

Now in Alcoholics Anonymous there's the Serenity Prayer.  It asks us to learn to accept the things we cannot change and to have the wisdom to know the difference.  Many alcoholics might think that the saying came from the Big Book.  But the reality is it was the core of Stoicism, a philosophy practiced by the Stoics until the 3rd century in Rome and Greece.

Once we accept whatever comes our way we have defeated it.  That doesn't mean we got what we wanted, but we do have peace and maybe happiness because we no longer are disappointed because we didn't get our way.

This path of learning acceptance isn't necessarily easy, but it becomes a habit as we mature in life.

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Key to Happiness

I recently discovered an interesting article on the internet about a happiness study at Harvard University  that has endured since the 1920s.  

The original purpose was to have around 100 men participate in a lifelong study of what they found that made them happy and to report their findings to researchers.  All were elite students, many from wealthy families and enjoying the finer things of life.  In fact, one was John F. Kennedy, who later became president.  Many of the participants went on to become wealthy and famous.

When they were 60 and above, they reported about what made them happiest.  And the outcome was that the majority reported that the biggest factor that brought them happiness was the quality of their relationships.  All of their relationships were important to them.  Their wives and husbands.  Their family members.  Their business associates.

The discovery has been consistent throughout the study.

And the reason I write about this is that many of our clients express anxiety about their relationships.  Will their parents ever talk to them again?  Will their marriages fall  apart?  Will their children speak to them again?  Relationships of all kinds seem to be the number one concern. 

When I read this study I understood why this is such a large issue with clients.  I think that being part of a social group is in our DNA, one of the most necessary to our survival.  If we look at prehistoric times, if we weren't part of the tribe or were exiled for breaking a rule it might be a death sentence because we need society to help us navigate through life.

The good news for us addicts is that once we get clean and sober our families and friends usually come back to us - at least that's been my observation over my 34 years of sobriety.  Once our loved ones see us rebuilding our lives they normally welcome us back.  I know mine have.

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