Seeking Help

 I get a lot of sad emails and calls from parents who want to help their children get sober. Their words are dripping with pain.

And, of course, it's natural for them to want to help their children. I think we all want to help our children as much as possible, whether they're addicts or not.

But the reality is that parents and loved ones are a lot more interested in sobriety and recovery than those they're trying to help. Probably out of every 10 contacts people make to ask for help with recovery, nine of them are family members or friends trying to be helpful.

There are rare occasions when an addict has had so many bad experiences that they will come directly to us for help. But the bulk of referrals come from parents, husbands, wives, girlfriends, prison counselors or parole officers.

While there are no bad reasons to get help, I think the help that we benefit from the most is the help that we seek on our own. I know that in my own case people were trying to help me with my drug problems from the time I was a teenager. Parents, wives, counselors, parole officers, they all suggested that I could benefit from sobriety.

Yet, what it took for me finally want to change is that I kept losing everything over and over. That includes my freedom, marriages, businesses, friendships – everything I valued - all for the sake of my addiction.

When I finally reached my bottom, when I was homeless and stealing every day to survive and to provide for my addictions, that's when I cried out for the kind of help has kept me sober for over 34 years. I think that when we run out of people to blame, people to help us, that's when we realize the seriousness of our addiction.

Only when I had nowhere else to turn, did I find a halfway house that would take me with no money. And the day I made that decision, is the day that I changed my life.

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What we Learn

 A client in group was talking about what he had learned while at TLC. What the man came out with surprised some of those in the circle.

"What I learned," the man said, "is how to make my bed for two weeks in a row."

While some might find this simplistic, many times TLC clients are learning the basics of daily life. Many come to our program not knowing how to make a bed or follow a daily routine. Many can't prepare a meal. Some can’t do laundry. A lot of them don't know how to fill out a job application. Or get a bus schedule together so they can look for a job.

Many are virtually starting life over. They arrive without job skills. They have no social skills. Saying “thank you” or “excuse me” is an alien concept. Their life has been focused on hustling drugs or alcohol.

Our approach is to build on what clients have – and in many cases that’s not much. We point out to them that they do have something going for them: they have the toughness that allowed them to survive in the tough drug sub-culture during their addictions. Often times the same negative perseverance that allowed them to survive in the drug world can be turned onto a path to rebuilding their lives.

Sometimes it’s a matter of getting them to change their point of view.

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Play Big

 "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela

Earlier this year I finished Mandela's autobiography, "Long Walk to Freedom."

And while I'd read reports about his life in the press, the insights in this book were inspiring. His life is an example of what one can do with enough perseverance.

As a recovering addict I like to read about how others overcame challenges. And I use these examples in my own life to keep things in perspective.

The value of this knowledge for us addicts is immeasurable. When we learn what others have done to overcome challenges we gain courage.

While we addicts don't face the challenges Mandela did, we have internal battles to overcome. And while they may seem small to others, to us they may seem insurmountable.

To live drug and alcohol free we must learn to live in a different culture. And change our way of thinking. Especially if we've had a long-term addiction.

It can be a shock to our psyche to get a job. To stop stealing. To start telling the truth. To be there for our families and friends.

But if we look at the suffering others went through to succeed we can find hope for ourselves.

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Keep Moving

In 34+ years of recovery I've learned that there's a lot more to staying sober than just going to meetings and not using drugs or alcohol.

I learned that I not only have to exercise and eat well. But I also listen to and read motivational material to keep myself moving forward.

After 34 years I still go to weekly meetings. I work in a recovery environment. And I only associate with, practically without exception, people who are in recovery. The remainder of my associates are either family members or business acquaintances who are – as far as I know – not addicted to anything.

Just because I get up and go to work every day in a clean and sober environment doesn't mean I have all the answers to keep myself going. That I don't need encouragement.

There are times I get discouraged because things aren't happening quite as fast as I want them to.
Maybe our company is facing a lawsuit.  (At the moment in fact, we're facing two lawsuits.) Maybe we're having financial issues. Perhaps our population is going down, or a key staff member is suffering from ill health. As long as we're living, there's something to challenge us.

Something I do every day – just to get myself charged up and ready for what's ahead will – is to feed my mind and spirit motivational material. Sometimes it's a book, but lately I've found myself listening to motivational talks I find on YouTube or Ted Talks.

In our digital world today there is a plethora of material we can find to get fired up and ready for whatever challenges we might face in the office or on the job when we get there.

There are motivational videos from back in the day, when I was a youngster – long before we had iPads and iPhones. Today I feel blessed to be able to listen to such pioneers as Napoleon Hill. Zig Ziglar. Or Earl Nightingale.

Whatever your field of interest, whether it be sports, religion, business, entrepreneurship, there is someone out there to help you get motivated. Someone to get you started. Someone to make you want to jump out of bed and get busy trying to do something with your life other than just exist.

It's true that the most important thing for an addict or alcoholic is to remain sober. But we're also capable of doing much more than simply staying sober. For example, if we have a passion for sobriety, perhaps we get involved in a program or business that focuses on helping others stay sober.

I guess my point is that there's plenty of information to supplement what we already know about recovery. And there's nothing wrong with trying to improve our lives in any way possible.

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Gratitude Now

Often times at meetings the chairperson or the speaker will select gratitude as a topic. In fact it is selected so often that sometimes a mock groan will go up in the group. Yes, it is selected so often that it has almost become a platitude. Yet, what is gratitude?

To me, gratitude is being totally aware of the many blessings that I have in my life. And what are those blessings? Many of us see blessings as the material things we have in our lives. We have a good job. We have a new car. We have a wonderful husband or wife. We have a nice circle of friends. These are all things for which we should have gratitude.

But I believe, and have read, that we should have gratitude for everything that occurs in our life.

Does this mean that I should be grateful for the bad things that happen to me? Does this mean that I should be grateful for the misfortune that comes my way? It is a tough concept to swallow, but I believe that the answer is yes. And why should this be, we might ask?

It is often the challenges that life imposes that make us better people. Or creates better situation for us. over 34 years ago I was homeless, broke and addicted. Now no one would look at those circumstances and say they should have gratitude for the situation. Yet it was from those very circumstances that my life began to change. When I finally reached the depths of my addiction I was forced to make a choice. I could either continue as I was or end up back in prison. Or I could admit that I was an alcoholic and go into a detoxification unit. I chose the latter and my life began to change.

After 11 days I left the detoxification unit and went to a halfway house. I have gratitude for that halfway house because they accepted me without money. They fed me, provided peer counseling, and gave me hope for the future. The first six months there I worked a series of entry-level jobs. I did day labor. I worked as a telemarketer. I washed windows for pocket money. I rode a bicycle, took buses and bummed rides from other residents of the halfway house. But today, over 34 years later, I still remember the sense of gratitude about the small improvements in my life during those first months of sobriety.

I have gratitude because from those humble beginnings many years ago I have become the success I am today. Today I still don't automatically have gratitude for challenges that might confront me. But if I look at some of the seemingly impossible situations that have ended well, then I can approach life with gratitude.

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Creating a Monster

A client comes to a counseling session heavily burdened. He's behind on child support. He doesn't have a job so he can't pay fees his probation officer’s expecting. A court appearance is pending.

He has more than this on his mind, but you get the point. His issues are wrapped up in a big confusing ball, so tightly interwoven that he can't figure out what's going on.

He can't sleep. He's anxious to the point where he's thinking about picking up a bottle or a pipe. He's overwhelmed.

What he's facing is not unusual among addicts in our program. Sometimes clients have a flawed thinking habit where they let a bunch of little issues become one big issue. They create a monster that threatens to consume them.

When I encounter clients like this I have them tell me all the problems they're facing. In fact I usually have them make a list. Then I have them go down the list to see which are immediate and which can be dealt with later. Or if even they need to be dealt with at all.

And it's almost magical how this process defuses anxiety. Once they list their so-called issues, where they can be scrutinized one by one, they seem to realize what they've been doing to themselves.

Because every issue we face is not equal. There are some problems we must deal with now. There are some that can be postponed. And there are some that aren't problems at all, except in our head.

When a client uses this process he discovers something - not only about his problems - but also about his thinking. He starts to recognize how he sometimes lumps small issues together until they turn into a monster. The monster that might take him back to the dope house.

He also learns he's not helpless in the face of his disease and its efforts to take him down.

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A 24 Hour Job

Addiction's a 24 hour disease. When I shot heroin it wasn't just nine to five, five days a week. It was a full time job.

I'd steal money or merchandise to get my next fix. Then I had to find my connection before I got sick. I was running all the time.

Same when I drank. If I was upright and conscious I needed a drink. If you didn't have anything for me, or if I was broke, then I'd shoplift something to drink from a convenience store.

I was like a rat on a wheel. Running like crazy and going nowhere. Well, maybe to oblivion.

I bring this up because someone mentioned that I seemed busy yesterday. And I was. It started around four a.m. A young small voice whispering on the phone because she didn't want her family to hear her call for help. We talked and texted over several hours before she quit communicating. I hope she's alright.

Then emails from across the country. Can you help my son? Can you help me? We're broke, but need help. Should I throw him out? Am I enabling him? How can I convince him to change?

These are heart-wrenching questions with a sense of urgency. So I venture my opinion without being judgmental - even though part of me wants to be.

To this long-term addict, the answer is obvious. But to the person who loves them - who has no experience with addicts - it's overwhelming. So I respond kindly and gently and hope that my words give them a shred of something helpful. And inside I pray the addict makes it before it's too late, before they die or suffer irreversible damage.

Later, other calls. One from a halfway house resident letting me know he finally found a job. Trivial to me, but big to him. So I congratulate him and am happy for him.

Being busy is life in the recovery business. It's not punishing work. Not digging ditches at a 110 degrees. Instead, it's a steady grind of communication from the desperate and angry and sometimes ungrateful.

For protection I spray imaginary Teflon on my brain so I can let things slide off and not stick for long - if at all. 

And I recall that a lot of kind people were there for me during the 42 years of my active using. And they didn't give up.

And that's why I'm okay being busy today.

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Karma

 I think of karma as what comes around goes around.

But mostly I've always thought of it as a long-term thing. Kind of like our reward for misbehavior in previous lifetimes. Which is a Buddhist or Hindu concept. But I've had to change my thinking.

Because in the world of drug and alcohol addiction karma seems to happen very short term. Particularly among those who continue to drink and drug as I used to.

In our TLC groups we predict what will happen to clients who continue to relapse. But it's almost like they're disconnected from reality. Or else the rewards of drugs and alcohol are so wired into their brains that fear of death means nothing to them. Many leave to use again.

They're not only disconnected from the dangers of continued use. They're also unwilling to follow the basics of health. Like quitting smoking. Eating well. And working out. It seems like they have an almost fatalistic outlook about their lives.

The idea that bad habits might affect them doesn't seem important. But karma eventually shows up for us all.

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