Repetition

 When one writes a blog about recovery it might seem as if the subject matter becomes somewhat repetitious after a while. After all, this blog now has over 3400 postings.  And surely I've covered the same subject a number of times.

But when one stands back and takes a look at it, recovery is a lifestyle that must become repetitious if it's to succeed in the long term.  And even though we talk in 12-step meetings about "one day at a time," if we repeat these sober days one after the other we soon will have a few years - then even decades.

The reality of recovery is that it must be repetitious.  There can be no breaks.  No days off to imbibe our favorite beverage or smoke a joint.  That is, unless we want to start over.

There are times when I have to dig deep to find a topic that is different from the one I wrote about yesterday.  But I've found that it's okay to write about the same thing, because staying sober is a daily project for those of us who want to succeed at it.  And we must repeat the things that have kept us sober thus far.

Does that mean we must attend a 12-step meeting each day?  Not necessarily.  But it does mean that we must stay in touch with who we are.  By that, I mean we must stay in touch with our emotions as much as possible.  We can't walk around full of anger, or sadness, or depression without eventually addressing it.

And the AA literature has many examples of how we successfully navigate the tough times that everyone experiences at some point or the other. Even if you've read the Big Book 20 times, you can always learn something new.

So, we keep repeating what has worked.  And as we do that we find fulfilling lives.

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Compassion

In the 35 years I've been sober, I've tried to be compassionate to my fellow man. And most of the time, I'm successful at it.

I'm not a person who holds grudges. I don't stay resentful at anyone for long. And I try to practice forgiveness of those who commit even the most egregious offenses toward me. And that's because I don't want to carry a lot of garbage around in my head. After all, I'd much rather spend my precious time enjoying life and doing what I can to help my fellow addicts and alcoholics have better lives.

I bring this up, because for the past 35 years of my recovery – working with TLC – it seems like I've always had someone angry at me about something. For a long time, there was a guy who had the strange idea that he owned part of TLC, simply because he was one of the first 10 residents in the program. While he spent 20 years in prison he wrote letters to everyone he could think of trying to make sure that he got the part of the company he owned. Maybe I don't hear anything about him anymore is that we got a restraining order against him for two years in a row and haven't seen or heard from him since.

Then about 10 or 12 years ago, there was a gentleman who made me the topic of conversation at every 12 step meeting he attended. He went to every governmental agency in the state, including the governor's office, the Attorney General's office, the legislature, the Environmental Protection Agency and I don't know who else, trying to put us out of business. Whatever he was doing, it didn't work. Because we're still in business, helping people get sober and clean.

But the interesting part of it to me was that I had no idea who this guy was or what his problem was. He was just someone who was very angry at me and TLC and spent a whole lot of headspace and time trying to have something done about us. I'm still curious about why he was angry.

And just when I thought that maybe the craziness had died down for a while, late last year another delusional person pops up to make us a target.

And the strange thing is that I'm not angry at any of these people. In fact, I have a lot of compassion and pity for them because they're wasting their lives and precious time on this planet trying to harm those who are performing a service to the community.  Each of them could use their innate intelligence and ability to build a great life for themselves if they only did positive things – rather than looking at themselves as victims.

Because my experience has been that those who characterize themselves as victims usually live up to their self-image.

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Play Large

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."  Nelson Mandela

A while back I finished Mandela's autobiography, "Long Walk to Freedom."

And while I'd read reports about his life in the press, the insights in this book were inspiring. His life is an example of what one can do with enough perseverance.

As a recovering addict I like to read about how others overcame challenges. And I use these examples in my own life to keep things in perspective.

The value of this knowledge for us addicts is immeasurable. When we learn what others have done to overcome challenges we gain courage.

While we addicts don't face the challenges Mandela did, we have internal battles to overcome. And while they may seem small to others, to us they may seem insurmountable.

To live drug and alcohol free we must learn to live in a different culture. And change our way of thinking. Especially if we've had a long-term addiction.

It can be a shock to our psyche to get a job. To stop stealing. To start telling the truth. To be there for our families and friends.

But if we look at the suffering others went through to succeed we can find hope for ourselves.

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What we learn from AA

Embarking on a journey with the 12-step program is like signing up for a lifelong course in personal growth and self-discovery. Over the past 34 years, the lessons I've learned extend far beyond the initial focus on addiction recovery. These principles have shaped my worldview and approach to life in profound ways.

First and foremost, the 12-step program has taught me the value of acceptance. The first step, admitting that I am powerless over my addiction, laid the groundwork for a deeper acceptance of my other limitations. This principle is not confined to addiction; it applies to all aspects of life. Embracing my imperfections and recognizing that I can't control everything has fostered a healthier relationship with myself and others.

Another critical lesson has been the power of surrender. The idea that there is a higher power—however you define it—helps me let go of the illusion that I must control every outcome. Surrendering does not mean giving up; rather, it means accepting that some things are beyond my control and finding peace in that acceptance. This shift in perspective has reduced my anxiety and allowed me to focus on what I can change.

The program also emphasizes the importance of community and support. Over the years, the fellowship within the 12-step community has been a constant source of strength. The connections made and the shared experiences have reinforced the idea that we are not alone in our struggles. Mutual support and understanding are crucial for healing and personal growth.

Another invaluable lesson is the practice of rigorous honesty. The 12-step process encourages a deep, sometimes uncomfortable self-examination, leading to personal accountability and transformation. This ongoing practice of honesty helps me navigate life with integrity and build trust with others.

Finally, the program’s emphasis on service has been transformative. Helping others has not only reinforced my own recovery but has also given my life a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment. Service is a reminder that giving back is a vital part of maintaining personal growth and staying grounded.

In essence, the 12-step program has been more than a path to recovery; it has been a guide for living a balanced and meaningful life. The lessons learned over these three decades continue to inspire and challenge me, making each day an opportunity for growth and renewal.

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Memories of Mom

For over years Christmas hasn't been one of my favorite holidays.  And it's not because I'm some kind of a grinch.  Or don't like to see people celebrating the holiday. The reason it's not one of my favorites is because my mother died 31 years ago on Christmas Eve.

She'd been in the hospital since November 1, 1994, to have a piece of metal removed from her leg that was starting to cause her pain. She had broken it several years earlier and the doctors placed a metal splint on the bone in her leg, along with a few screws, so as to give more support to the spot where the break had occurred.  But it had begun to cause her pain and she asked if I thought it was a good idea to have it removed.

Of course I don't like surgery or hospitals – I know they are necessary for our survival – but I left the decision entirely up to her.  Because she was the one who was suffering from pain, not me.  Of course, in retrospect I would have told her to not go into the hospital.  But the way she explained it to me is that it was a very simple surgery that would be done on an outpatient basis.  The metal splint would be removed and she was to return home the same day.  But things didn't go quite the way she explained it.

The doctors decided to keep her in the hospital under observation for a few days because of her reaction to the surgery.  They wanted to make sure that she was entirely functional after she left.  Anyway, to make a long story short one complication led to another and her condition started to deteriorate.  At one point she even developed pneumonia.  But after some therapy so she could get used to the new splint that they had put in her leg they made plans to release her on Christmas morning of 1994.

I'd gotten off work that day and went home to shower and was planning to visit her as I did every day she was in the hospital when a call came from a nurse.  She told me my mother had passed away 15 minutes earlier.  Of course, I was devastated and went to the hospital full of grief and with tears running down my face.

It seemed surreal to me, so unbelievable, because I was planning on picking her up the next morning and taking her home.  But it didn't happen that way.

Many people have advised me to get over my grieving and I believe that I did a long time ago. But still, because it happened on Christmas Eve I'm always reminded at this time of year that I lost one of my best friends, someone who supported me through the many years when I was living the life of a drug addict.  She didn't support my habit or anything like that.  But she did encourage me to get help both when I was in jail and out of jail and it took me a long time to follow her advice.

One of the things that makes me happy is that she was able to see me sober for three years and working in the recovery field.  I think that gave her more joy than anything.  And even though I recognize that today, the Christmas holidays are not the best time of year for me.

Staying Calm

Sometimes it's difficult for us addicts to remain calm and peaceful when it seems the world is on a path to self-destruction and collapsing around us.  

Fighting in Ukraine and Israel.  Inflation raising the cost of everything.  Homeless people proliferating in our biggest cities.  An abundance of negative drama in the media.  And it might seem hard to stay serene because we don't do what we used to - which was to medicate ourselves.

Drugs.  Alcohol.  Whatever it took to numb our brains and desensitize us.  When I was high nothing mattered.  Not wars.  Not $5.00 a gallon gas.  High interest rates and food costs.  My attitude was "So what?"  When my brain was numb none of it mattered.

However, today we can't use substances to stay calm.  All that happens if we use is that we further destroy our lives and things get more complicated.  But there are healthy things we can do.

For openers, we can start by talking to our sponsor.  After all, most of the issues and drama that we encounter in our recovery is something our sponsor has already dealt with.  A sponsor with any kind of time has answers and suggestions to help keep us on track.

And something that works for me personally is a workout.  A good run on the elliptical or 45 minutes with the weights can pump calming endorphins into my system - and endorphins are more powerful than opiates without the dangers of overdosing.

Another personal favorite is meditation.  I do 30 minutes each morning when I first awake. A recent study at Oxford University in England showed that 15 minutes of daily Mindfulness meditation is 20 percent more effective than depression medications.  And with no side effects.

So there are safe places to turn when things get tough.  We just need to be willing to use them.

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Almost Gone

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot."  Michael Altshuler

I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized that most the year had passed. It seemed like a minute ago it was New Year's Day. Now the year is nearly over. So what did we do with our time?

I know what I did. I helped others wherever possible.  My wife and I took a couple of trips. We purchased two investment properties. In other words we made some kind of progress by taking regular action.

I know people who live with ideas for years before acting on them. And others never act on them.

For example I was eating with some folks I hadn't visited in a while. And they were discussing the same old subject: they wanted to lose weight. But while they were having the discussion it was over a table of rich food. And dessert came at the end.

What the saying above means is that you're in charge of what you do with your time. You are the pilot. But if you have ever observed a pilot in action you know that they are highly disciplined. Because one error could end everything. Not only for them, but for everyone on the aircraft.

Taking control of our time requires discipline - but that's also how we get to our destination.

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Change or Die

 Change is difficult. I was reminded of that recently while rereading a 2005 article in Fast Company magazine, entitled "change or die."

The author described how nine out of ten patients who've had open-heart surgery - when told they’ll die if they don't start exercising, eat right and quit smoking - will not or cannot change.  They keep up their bad habits in spite of the consequences. At first these numbers amazed me, but then my experience with our clients lent credibility to this author's story.

We have clients who relapse repeatedly even though life has shown them it doesn’t work. Fear of jail, institutions or death – doesn’t deter them.

As an outside-of-recovery example, I see the unwillingness to change with our clients who smoke. Statistics show that 18 to 20% of the general population smokes-in spite of the health risks and expense.  But in the recovery community the numbers are upside down: about 80% of recovering addicts and alcoholics smoke. Non-smokers often pass through a cloud of smoke to get into a 12 step meeting. And often during meetings the real addicts take a smoke break because they can't quell their addiction for the hour it takes to complete the meeting.

In the Fast Company article the author says fear of death doesn't make people change. He writes that people will change if they believe they can have a better life.

“The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles." Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating," a doctor cited in the article says. "Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?"

So instead of trying to motivate them with the "fear of dying," One of the doctors reframes the issue. He inspires a new vision of the "joy of living" -- convincing patients they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. "Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear," he says.

I believe this article correlates with what we try to do at TLC: to show our clients they can have a more joyful existence when they stop their negative addictions – a lifestyle they can gain by living by 12-step principles.

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No more Excuses

 We addicts have all kinds of excuses for using. And often that keeps us from changing.

And when we tell our sad stories to counselors or therapists they often cosign our bullshit. They understood why we drank, or smoked, or slammed a needle in our arms. Or at least they acted like they did. And that didn't help me get well because I needed someone to make me look at reality. Someone to be a little tough with me in a positive way.

When I was in my teens, I was in a rage. Life was unfair. The world was cruel. Counselors tried to help. But I viewed them as part of the system. So I wouldn't drop my defenses and let anyone in. That attitude kept me locked in my rage and confusion.

I fought with everyone. I thought I was tough. But really I was so full of fear and anger that whoever was nearby was the enemy. It took many years of using and trouble with the law before I changed.

And what changed me was time. I started paying attention to others who had stories of abuse. Many of them suffered much worse than I had. And they were like me, always in trouble. Full of fear and rage.

When I saw myself in them I had a spiritual awakening. I came to accept that bad stuff had happened to me. But also to others. Unjustifiable things. Things humans shouldn't do to one another.

But I also came to realize that no matter what happened it wasn't worth living my life suffering over it. And I decided to change.

Part of that change was putting down the bottle over 34 years ago. Part of it was deciding that I wasn't going to let my disease me hostage any longer.

That's when I took the first steps down the path to emotional freedom. And today my life works.

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Back with Family

One result of addiction is that many addicts and alcoholics eventually lose their families.

Of course, it doesn't happen right away. Many times families exhibit unusual patience and spend thousands of dollars trying to get an addict back on track. But finally many of them give up. Their addicted family member has stolen from them. Maybe they've gone to prison or jail a few times. Perhaps they've been in accidents. Or maybe ended up in the emergency room after an overdose. The emotional baggage overwhelms many families and they understandably give up hope.

When I first came into recovery nearly 35 years ago I had a few phone numbers, but none of them really wanted a call from me. Including my family members. And it can be quite discouraging for the newcomer when they feel there's little chance of getting back together with those they love.

Yet I'm here to tell you that all of that can change. But it doesn't happen overnight. For most of us it doesn't happen even in the first six months. But within a few years – as long as we stay clean and sober – our families will realize that we're serious about recovery and start communicating with us once more.

I know that in my case it took about three years for my family to realize that I was serious about staying sober. And once they realized that, we started spending holidays together, summer vacations together and saw each other on a regular basis. At one point I had five family members living with me in a three bedroom house.

And for some of us, the very unusual happens. For example in my case, I even had a daughter show up who was born in the late 1960s, a child that I was unaware of.

As long as we remain in recovery, there's hope for us all.

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Our Choices

 When we bring our child home from the hospital it is with joy and gladness in our hearts.

Doe's he look more like me? His dad? His grandfather? We watch every move. to make sure he's covered. Take lots of pictures. We make sure that he keeps his medical appointments. And we're happy when the doctor says our baby is in perfect health.

But the doctor can't see into future. Nor can we. None us were able to see years ahead when this aberration pops up. This disease that takes control of his life - seemingly overnight.

One moment he's like any other kid. Getting decent grades. Playing sports. Chasing girls. The next his grades are falling. The police bring him home one night. He lies about the black eye he got because he didn't pay the connection for the oxies he got on credit.

Then we go into the next phase. We blame ourselves for this change in behavior. We didn't do enough, maybe? Or too much. We did our best? Or did we? Maybe we should have taken him to church, Or moved to another neighborhood.

The guilt and shame and puzzlement piles up. What to do? We've gone through money getting him to treatment and to shrinks. Nothing has helped.

Our health and finances are failing. Yet we still don't have answers. And we don't stop to think about the obvious one: that maybe his addiction is his choice. His fault. After all, we're not Gods. We're only parents. And the inexplicable happens to everyone. Good people and bad people all get ground up equally beneath the wheels of chance.

What to do? We can pray. We can put him on the streets where the rest of the addicts end up. Or we can live in self-condemnation and guilt while still supporting him.

But we must remember that we also have a life to live. And we need to make our choices: guilt and shame about something we can't control - or happiness that we still make choices that are in our own benefit.

It's our choice.

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Controlling Anxiety

 A while back I dealt with a client who had a severe case of anxiety. He had trouble sleeping. He had trouble relaxing. He spent a great deal of time looking into the future, or dwelling in the past.

And like many of the addicts in our program he had the perfect solution for his anxiety: he would bury it with drugs or alcohol until he passed out. The only problem is that he had to wake up the next day and start all over again. This regimen didn't work out very well for him because eventually he lost his job, his marriage, his automobile, and the home that he lived in for seven years.

As I got better acquainted with him I learned that he had been treated poorly as a child. But instead of blaming those who mistreated him, he blamed himself for the bad things that happened to him. And of course that affected his self-worth. When in school he got poor grades. He ended up hanging with other students who had similar experience to his. He had found a clique of drug addicts to whom he could relate and who accepted him just as he was. And because of his association with them he eventually ended up in juvenile hall and then jail. And for the next 20 years he spent a lot of time associating with people like him and ultimately returning to jail or prison.

During my sessions with him I was able to help him understand that he could do nothing about the past. Nor could he really plan a future. But something that he would be able to do that would bring him some happiness and peace was to learn how to live in the moment. It took a while for me to help him understand that the only thing he had control over was this moment. And when he spent his time in the past or the future he was wasting a lot of the brief time that we all have here on earth.

After a while his anxiety went away because he began to grasp the concepts that I was teaching him about living in the moment. Someone taught me that concept a long time ago. And when I'm able to share it with others who begin to use it in their lives I feel like I'm helping someone learn how precious each moment of our life is.

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The wonders of Gratitude

 Gratitude takes practice.

And when we don't have gratitude as a traveling companion life can sometimes seem dark.

So how do we infuse gratitude into our lives?  It's really about changing our perspective.

A simple way is to start when we open our eyes in the morning.  When you awake, don't say "Damn, I have to get ready for work."  And then jump from the bed and start rushing to get ready.

Instead, set your alarm an hour early.  Rouse yourself slowly and stretch to get your blood circulating. Take a few deep breaths.  Then practice mindful meditation for ten or fifteen minutes.  After that do some yoga at home - or go to the gym.

Be fully present while you shower.  Savor a light breakfast.  Enjoy the sunrise.

Immerse yourself in the drive to work.  Flow with the traffic.  Be grateful that you have transportation.

Notice those along the way who have less than you.  Maybe you pass someone who's handicapped and riding a motorized cart.  Or someone who's homeless.  Realize how blessed you are.

Keep your mind in the present.  Don't let it get to the office before your body arrives.  Staying in the moment nurtures our gratitude and enhances our life.

If you're unhappy about how much money you earn remind yourself that much of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day.

Being grateful comes from how we view life.

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Let's Perservere

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

So how does this quote by Michael Jordan apply to those of us in recovery?

I think it gives encouragement to those of us who have fallen prey to serial relapses.

Often clients come to TLC discouraged because it seems like nothing has worked. In spite of their best intentions, they've failed “over and over” again. In fact, so often that they’re prone to the depression that might lead them back to their drug of choice.

I ask these clients to focus on the positive: the fact that they're sitting in my office is a testimony that they're still willing to work on recovery after repeated failures. And sometimes what I say seems to help.

We can often take the same perseverance that led us to repeatedly try to successfully drink or drug and turn it into something positive. Anyone who can go through misery for countless years in pursuit of their addiction can take that same drive and turn it into success.

For those who don't remember, I want to remind them that living with an addiction to the exclusion of everything else is hard work. In fact, it seemed like I worked day and night to supply my drug habit – it was a full-time job.

Eventually I turned my failures into success - something you who have repeatedly failed can also do.

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Seeking Help

 I get a lot of sad emails and calls from parents who want to help their children get sober. Their words are dripping with pain.

And, of course, it's natural for them to want to help their children. I think we all want to help our children as much as possible, whether they're addicts or not.

But the reality is that parents and loved ones are a lot more interested in sobriety and recovery than those they're trying to help. Probably out of every 10 contacts people make to ask for help with recovery, nine of them are family members or friends trying to be helpful.

There are rare occasions when an addict has had so many bad experiences that they will come directly to us for help. But the bulk of referrals come from parents, husbands, wives, girlfriends, prison counselors or parole officers.

While there are no bad reasons to get help, I think the help that we benefit from the most is the help that we seek on our own. I know that in my own case people were trying to help me with my drug problems from the time I was a teenager. Parents, wives, counselors, parole officers, they all suggested that I could benefit from sobriety.

Yet, what it took for me finally want to change is that I kept losing everything over and over. That includes my freedom, marriages, businesses, friendships – everything I valued - all for the sake of my addiction.

When I finally reached my bottom, when I was homeless and stealing every day to survive and to provide for my addictions, that's when I cried out for the kind of help has kept me sober for over 34 years. I think that when we run out of people to blame, people to help us, that's when we realize the seriousness of our addiction.

Only when I had nowhere else to turn, did I find a halfway house that would take me with no money. And the day I made that decision, is the day that I changed my life.

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What we Learn

 A client in group was talking about what he had learned while at TLC. What the man came out with surprised some of those in the circle.

"What I learned," the man said, "is how to make my bed for two weeks in a row."

While some might find this simplistic, many times TLC clients are learning the basics of daily life. Many come to our program not knowing how to make a bed or follow a daily routine. Many can't prepare a meal. Some can’t do laundry. A lot of them don't know how to fill out a job application. Or get a bus schedule together so they can look for a job.

Many are virtually starting life over. They arrive without job skills. They have no social skills. Saying “thank you” or “excuse me” is an alien concept. Their life has been focused on hustling drugs or alcohol.

Our approach is to build on what clients have – and in many cases that’s not much. We point out to them that they do have something going for them: they have the toughness that allowed them to survive in the tough drug sub-culture during their addictions. Often times the same negative perseverance that allowed them to survive in the drug world can be turned onto a path to rebuilding their lives.

Sometimes it’s a matter of getting them to change their point of view.

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Play Big

 "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela

Earlier this year I finished Mandela's autobiography, "Long Walk to Freedom."

And while I'd read reports about his life in the press, the insights in this book were inspiring. His life is an example of what one can do with enough perseverance.

As a recovering addict I like to read about how others overcame challenges. And I use these examples in my own life to keep things in perspective.

The value of this knowledge for us addicts is immeasurable. When we learn what others have done to overcome challenges we gain courage.

While we addicts don't face the challenges Mandela did, we have internal battles to overcome. And while they may seem small to others, to us they may seem insurmountable.

To live drug and alcohol free we must learn to live in a different culture. And change our way of thinking. Especially if we've had a long-term addiction.

It can be a shock to our psyche to get a job. To stop stealing. To start telling the truth. To be there for our families and friends.

But if we look at the suffering others went through to succeed we can find hope for ourselves.

Click here to email John

Keep Moving

In 34+ years of recovery I've learned that there's a lot more to staying sober than just going to meetings and not using drugs or alcohol.

I learned that I not only have to exercise and eat well. But I also listen to and read motivational material to keep myself moving forward.

After 34 years I still go to weekly meetings. I work in a recovery environment. And I only associate with, practically without exception, people who are in recovery. The remainder of my associates are either family members or business acquaintances who are – as far as I know – not addicted to anything.

Just because I get up and go to work every day in a clean and sober environment doesn't mean I have all the answers to keep myself going. That I don't need encouragement.

There are times I get discouraged because things aren't happening quite as fast as I want them to.
Maybe our company is facing a lawsuit.  (At the moment in fact, we're facing two lawsuits.) Maybe we're having financial issues. Perhaps our population is going down, or a key staff member is suffering from ill health. As long as we're living, there's something to challenge us.

Something I do every day – just to get myself charged up and ready for what's ahead will – is to feed my mind and spirit motivational material. Sometimes it's a book, but lately I've found myself listening to motivational talks I find on YouTube or Ted Talks.

In our digital world today there is a plethora of material we can find to get fired up and ready for whatever challenges we might face in the office or on the job when we get there.

There are motivational videos from back in the day, when I was a youngster – long before we had iPads and iPhones. Today I feel blessed to be able to listen to such pioneers as Napoleon Hill. Zig Ziglar. Or Earl Nightingale.

Whatever your field of interest, whether it be sports, religion, business, entrepreneurship, there is someone out there to help you get motivated. Someone to get you started. Someone to make you want to jump out of bed and get busy trying to do something with your life other than just exist.

It's true that the most important thing for an addict or alcoholic is to remain sober. But we're also capable of doing much more than simply staying sober. For example, if we have a passion for sobriety, perhaps we get involved in a program or business that focuses on helping others stay sober.

I guess my point is that there's plenty of information to supplement what we already know about recovery. And there's nothing wrong with trying to improve our lives in any way possible.

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Gratitude Now

Often times at meetings the chairperson or the speaker will select gratitude as a topic. In fact it is selected so often that sometimes a mock groan will go up in the group. Yes, it is selected so often that it has almost become a platitude. Yet, what is gratitude?

To me, gratitude is being totally aware of the many blessings that I have in my life. And what are those blessings? Many of us see blessings as the material things we have in our lives. We have a good job. We have a new car. We have a wonderful husband or wife. We have a nice circle of friends. These are all things for which we should have gratitude.

But I believe, and have read, that we should have gratitude for everything that occurs in our life.

Does this mean that I should be grateful for the bad things that happen to me? Does this mean that I should be grateful for the misfortune that comes my way? It is a tough concept to swallow, but I believe that the answer is yes. And why should this be, we might ask?

It is often the challenges that life imposes that make us better people. Or creates better situation for us. over 34 years ago I was homeless, broke and addicted. Now no one would look at those circumstances and say they should have gratitude for the situation. Yet it was from those very circumstances that my life began to change. When I finally reached the depths of my addiction I was forced to make a choice. I could either continue as I was or end up back in prison. Or I could admit that I was an alcoholic and go into a detoxification unit. I chose the latter and my life began to change.

After 11 days I left the detoxification unit and went to a halfway house. I have gratitude for that halfway house because they accepted me without money. They fed me, provided peer counseling, and gave me hope for the future. The first six months there I worked a series of entry-level jobs. I did day labor. I worked as a telemarketer. I washed windows for pocket money. I rode a bicycle, took buses and bummed rides from other residents of the halfway house. But today, over 34 years later, I still remember the sense of gratitude about the small improvements in my life during those first months of sobriety.

I have gratitude because from those humble beginnings many years ago I have become the success I am today. Today I still don't automatically have gratitude for challenges that might confront me. But if I look at some of the seemingly impossible situations that have ended well, then I can approach life with gratitude.

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Creating a Monster

A client comes to a counseling session heavily burdened. He's behind on child support. He doesn't have a job so he can't pay fees his probation officer’s expecting. A court appearance is pending.

He has more than this on his mind, but you get the point. His issues are wrapped up in a big confusing ball, so tightly interwoven that he can't figure out what's going on.

He can't sleep. He's anxious to the point where he's thinking about picking up a bottle or a pipe. He's overwhelmed.

What he's facing is not unusual among addicts in our program. Sometimes clients have a flawed thinking habit where they let a bunch of little issues become one big issue. They create a monster that threatens to consume them.

When I encounter clients like this I have them tell me all the problems they're facing. In fact I usually have them make a list. Then I have them go down the list to see which are immediate and which can be dealt with later. Or if even they need to be dealt with at all.

And it's almost magical how this process defuses anxiety. Once they list their so-called issues, where they can be scrutinized one by one, they seem to realize what they've been doing to themselves.

Because every issue we face is not equal. There are some problems we must deal with now. There are some that can be postponed. And there are some that aren't problems at all, except in our head.

When a client uses this process he discovers something - not only about his problems - but also about his thinking. He starts to recognize how he sometimes lumps small issues together until they turn into a monster. The monster that might take him back to the dope house.

He also learns he's not helpless in the face of his disease and its efforts to take him down.

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