Common Fears?

At a recent management meeting the topic of the discussion was "fear." And the fears brought up in that meeting ran the gamut. Among those mentioned were fears of:

*Failure on the job.

*Speaking at a meeting.

*Health problems.

*Being around people.

*Relapsing.

*Going back to jail again.

*Trying anything new.

These were only a few of the fears mentioned, because the list went on and on. But after listening for a while I began to wonder. Are we alcoholics and addicts different from people in the general population? After all, I hear about these same phobias in the mainstream media. With the exception of going to jail or relapsing, it seems that many of the things that were brought up in our management meeting are common fears shared by the rest of the world.

Perhaps because we addicts are so, so sensitive our problems might seem larger-than-life. And they may also seem so because we pay heavy consequences when we don't deal with our problems effectively. Our solution when we were facing the seemingly insurmountable was to put alcohol or drugs in our body. And then, of course, we pay the consequences.

Perhaps one of the positive things that came out of the meeting, at least in my mind, was that we even admitted we have fears. Some of us addicts and alcoholics are so defensive, and we act so much like we have it all together, that we often won't admit we‘re afraid of anything.

And this in the face of the reality that many of us are afraid of nearly everything we encounter.

New Sponsor?

A client wanted my opinion about a sponsor who’d asked her to find someone else to help her through the steps. The sponsor, a recovering alcoholic, couldn’t relate to her because the client’s drug of choice was marijuana.

I told her she should find a sponsor with a similar background, one to whom she could relate. After all, we need to feel like we’re getting what we need from the person we choose to help us through the steps.

This discussion, though, always leads me to the larger issue of orthodoxy in 12-step programs. As one who is grateful to the 12-step programs for saving my life over 20 years ago, I still take exception to those who dogmatically oppose anyone who mentions drugs other than alcohol.

After all, I was taught at 12-step meetings to be tolerant and loving. If I'm sitting at the periphery of the meeting like an old curmudgeon, looking for someone to admonish because they mention drugs, what kind of example am I setting for those trying to get sober? Many times at meetings I hear the term "if you want what we have." But if what I see at meetings is a 12 step cop, who’s angrily monitoring newcomer miscreants, that's not what I want. I came to meetings to save my life and to learn how to be a more peaceful and loving human being - not to get involved in the minutia of rule-making or rule-bending.

Now I understand that so-called "old timers" have a right to set up a meeting anyway they want. And that is fine. That is their right. But in the literature it says "love and tolerance" is our code. I guess I'm not sure how love and tolerance fits in with monitoring all the newcomers and making sure they don't make a verbal misstep.

Me? I’m here to carry the message and to help someone get sober.

Sacrifice? Or Act of Love?

A friend of mine and I were talking about an addict who’d given her children up for adoption. He didn't think it was a good idea to give up the children. He questioned how much the mother loved the children.

However, I disagreed with him. I believe one of the best things an addict or alcoholic can do is to make sure their children are in a good environment. To me it takes a lot more courage and love to give up the children than it does to drag them through endless rounds of addiction, trashy apartments, and an unstable life.

My brother and I were raised in an alcoholic home. We experienced ongoing abuse from a raging alcoholic father – and an angry stepmother. Our life was chaos, fear, and the constant anxiety of never knowing what to expect. County authorities intervened on more than one occasion. They offered to put me in foster care. But at the time I was so insecure and afraid that I couldn't make that decision.

Being raised in this environment led me to years of drug use, incarceration, mental hospitals and broken relationships. I was fortunate enough to get find recovery; my brother died of alcoholism at an early age.

It takes great courage and sacrifice to recognize our addiction is destroying our children's lives – and to make the decision to let them be adopted. To me it’s an indication that someone is not blindly self-centered when they’re able to make this kind of decision.

There are many childless couples looking for children to raise. They must be saluted because they're willing to take on the children of addicts and alcoholics with the knowledge these children might have serious emotional issues by the time the adoption is completed.

A Father in Pain

I ran into a business acquaintance recently and asked how his daughter was doing. His expression told me she wasn't doing very well. Over the past few years she's been going in and out of treatment programs and halfway houses, attempting to get her life together. And the tragic thing is she has a small daughter, around three years old. The daughter ends up living with her grandfather when the mother makes another drug run.

The sad thing is the father doesn't understand the first thing about addiction. Like many parents who have no experience with alcohol or drugs, this man looks at addiction as a logical process. He thinks she should be able to see the danger she's putting herself and her child in - and quit using. But that's not the way the world works for us drug addicts.

Each time I talk to him I give him encouragement. I know he loves her dearly. And when we talk about his daughter he usually tells me about a new program or halfway house she's found. So far none has worked for her.

I suggest he not help her when she's using – yet to encourage her when she's trying to get clean and sober. As long as he’ll pick up the pieces she has a safety net when things get too bad.

Maybe one day her disease will convince her that getting clean is the better option. I know my life had to become a total wreck before I went into a detox and began to change. I pray this man’s daughter finds recovery.

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful...

The last time I visited our Las Vegas facilities I was reflecting about John F., a man who worked for TLC for many years as a volunteer office manager at that location. He was a bright man and had two master’s degrees. He came up with innovative office procedures and helped things run smoothly. He attended 12-step meetings, and served as a good example for the men in the house. He had a small dog he dearly loved. But after being with us some seven years he one day just disappeared.

He didn't take his dog. He took a few changes of clothes. A few weeks later we learned he'd moved to a nearby motel and began drinking. Within a few weeks he was dead.

While this man had been retired for several years and received a military pension that would’ve allowed him to live comfortably outside our program he said he stayed with us because it was the only place he could stay sober. In light of that, I often wondered why he left the program to drink himself to death.

The 12-step literature tells us our disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. I know it was in this case.

Finding Gratitude

Reasons for gratitude can be found wherever we are. And I think it's important for my recovery to look for them - no matter what the circumstances.

For example, last week my neurologist sent me to Scottsdale – Osborne hospital for a lumbar puncture, a procedure where spinal fluid is withdrawn for diagnosis.

It wasn't a painful procedure; most of the pain was in my imagination. The aftermath was much worse, an excruciating headache for five days or so, so severe I couldn’t work. And I had to go back a few days later to get a follow-up procedure to get rid of the headaches.

So find gratitude in these circumstances? Yes, and I didn’t have to look far:

• While waiting to be released I was grateful for having medical insurance that allows me to seek treatment.

• I reflected upon how many in the world don’t have basic health care and how blessed I live in a country where I have this privilege.

• I felt gratitude toward those who’ve spent their careers creating advanced medical technology to treat our ailments.

• And while waiting at the hospital I overheard patients with serious medical problems who were in real pain – much worse than what I was experiencing. It helped me realize my discomfort was minor.

• Also, I was able to see the example of dedicated nurses and volunteers, devoted people with care and concern for their patients.

In summation I found gratitude where I once would have found another occasion to say “poor me.” The beauty of being sober today is that I’m able to find gratitude in life’s challenges.

Accepting Loss

In life, loss is a recurring theme. Recently someone very close to me lost her father. If we live long enough we are all going to lose someone. While the loss of our loved ones is inevitable, how we react to the loss is not.

Some of us in recovery often let grief and loss overtake our lives. While grieving is a natural and healthy process, an intense reaction that threatens our sobriety or recovery is not. Before I got sober over 20 years ago, every loss was an occasion for me to intensify my addiction. My drug use and alcoholism would escalate into another crisis. What could have been a normal healthy grieving process metamorphosed into something larger.

But since I've been sober I have found a different way to deal with this kind of loss. While I still grieve my loss, I know that the person who died would not want me to do something self-destructive in response to their passing. Were this person still alive and speaking to me, they might say something like "go on and lead a good life. Don't destroy yourself over my passing." While this kind of imaginary construct might not work for everyone, it has worked well for me over the past 20 years.

If we believe in a higher power, then we believe our loved one is in God's hands. We can imagine that if they were looking into our lives, they would be happy to know that we are doing well, that we are staying clean and sober.