Questionable Excuse

A TLC Hard Six client who was late for work had a unique explanation: he said he had taken a laxative the night before and while walking to the office had lost control and accidentally soiled his pants. Thus, he had to return home and shower before coming to the office.

And, of course, when he arrived his supervisor requested a urinalysis and breath test. When the breath test came up positive, the client admitted he drank the prior evening and that's why he'd had the "accident."

So the next thing was to figure out what to do: should we discharge him? Should we give him another chance and put him back into the program? After a team evaluation, it was decided to return him to the Hard Six program to start over.

Because this man had been in the program for nearly a year and was experiencing his first 30 days off restriction, it was not surprising that he’d relapsed. Men often do well under strict supervision. But once they have a bit of freedom, where they can make choices on their own without much scrutiny, that's when the test begins.

Because we do not shoot our wounded – as his supervisor said – we decided to give him another opportunity.

Someone also suggested he create a better excuse the next time he arrives late.

Focusing on Gratitude.

“Two convicts stood looking through the bars. One looked down and saw the mud. The other looked up and saw the stars.” Unknown author.

If we look we’ll find areas in our life for gratitude. Those who find nothing for which to be grateful are - in my opinion - not enjoying a happy existence.

So where do I find this gratitude? No job. No money. Wife left. Nerves shot. Boss is pissed. On and on. We have a litany of things to be ungrateful for because that’s where our focus is.

However a change of perspective will provide an abundance of opportunities for gratitude.

For example, we have clients that live with varying levels of gratitude and ingratitude. The ones who are the most ungrateful are the ones who had the most prior to coming to us. They've been to the “best” treatment programs, some costing thousands of dollars a day.

Their parents send them money and stuff to make their lives more comfortable while they’re in recovery. And they understandably have trouble figuring out that they have responsibility for their recovery. And when things go wrong, they blame their benefactors – not themselves.

The most grateful are those who've had challenges and struggles in their addictions and recovery. Many are simply grateful the pain has subsided. They find hope in the one-on-one sessions, groups and meetings. They find gratitude in another day clean and sober. They think of the friends at home who still struggling with their disease. They look at themselves as blessed.

They find ways to not slip into negativity by looking around at those who have less – a way to re-frame what life presents us so we can stay with gratitude.

Over-Medicated?

As I was leaving the parking light yesterday I encountered a client I hadn't talked to in some time. I’d met him when he first came in, but he was assigned to someone else's caseload. So we had little interaction..

But I was immediately struck by his improved appearance after only six weeks. His color had improved. Posture was better. He seemed more confident – and had a smile on his face.

When I asked what had happened, what had changed, he told me he’d quit the medication he’d been on when he came in. Upon arrival he had a travel kit full of various meds. One for arthritis. Another for asthma. Another for migraine headaches. One for depression. The list went on and on.

I asked if he’d withdrawn from the medication under a doctor's supervision, He said he had. And as a result he hasn't felt better in years. No pain. Depression is almost nonexistent. And he has no desire to use, he said, smiling as he told me.

I never make recommendations to clients about doing anything other than following the doctor’s recommendations. However, I do believe many addicts and alcoholics are over-medicated. By far.

Another man in our program takes about 20 different medications a day – one for each of several ailments. And for some reason, he never feels well and has a difficult time participating program activities.  Duh...

My belief is that clients should be on medications their doctors recommend.  And then only the minimal dosage.

The question to ask our doctor is: do I really need this medicine?

Same Path?

Today, while purchasing a cup of coffee at the TLC Inconvenience Store, I ran into a former TLC resident who owed me $10 I'd loaned to him a few weeks ago. And when I gave it to him he said he’d pay me back a few days later.

Of course I didn't expect to see the ten anytime soon as I knew he needed money for a bottle of vodka. And I was happy to accommodate him.

I was taught by my first sponsor, Dean W. to give panhandlers money. He said it was okay if they used it for alcohol because they might hit the bottom faster. So today I follow his advice.

Anyway, it was sad to see this fellow to whom I'd loaned the ten. And actually I smelled him before I saw him walk up beside me.

He stunk of urine, sweat, and alcohol. His clothes were dirty grease rags, as if he'd been sleeping in them since I last saw him a few weeks ago. His hair was a filthy tangle, His eyes glassy and unfocused, But he still remembered he owed me the money

"I'm going to get that money back to you," he told me, all serious. And I said okay. Then I told him that the offer was still open for him to come into the halfway house. He said that he was just about ready to get sober, that he was "tired." And he left the store and walked unsteadily toward the street.

While I'm wrong as often as I'm right, my gut feeling is that this man doesn't have long to live if he doesn't change his lifestyle. And it was sad to see him because earlier this year I had a similar conversation with another fellow who kept drinking.

And he was found dead a few weeks later, somewhere in Phoenix. We only learned that he’d died after the police came to ask us if we knew of any next of kin.

Who am I?

I asked a man in group the other night to tell me who he was. But that he couldn't use his name or his occupation as part of the description.

He was speechless. Couldn't find any words. He couldn't reach inside himself and find a form of identity other than his job or his name.

"I'm not sure what you’re asking," he finally replied.

His response points out a dilemma for many of us men. The source of our identity is the job we have. The way we earn our money.

When two men meet probably the first five minutes involves what they do. Carpenter. Plumber. Airline pilot. Student. Teacher.

Finally this man asked me, "Well, who I am I if I'm not what I do?"

"I'm not sure," I answered. "You tell me."

The conversation went this way for a while. And he remained confused and perplexed. The idea that he would be anything at all if he were stripped of his job identity wasn’t something he could wrap his brain around.

Finally, though, the conversation moved into another direction.

We’re spiritual beings. We’re parents. Lovers. We’re husbands and wives. We’re an expression of God's creative ability. We’re members of the human family with a responsibility to lift up those around us.

When we look at ourselves this way we open a wide range of possibilities of what we can do, who we can become – and we can also be productive workers.

The point is that if all I am is my job - or what I do to make money - when my job goes away what am I?

Am I nothing?

Out of Focus

Clients are in trouble when they start trying to manage their own life while in early recovery.

When they come to us they desperately need someone to tell them what to do, someone to point them in the right direction until they can learn to walk on their own. A guide, if you will.

Neither their brain nor their body is functioning right because of their drug and alcohol use. Yet as soon as they run into a few obstacles they start making unwise and self-destructive decisions.

Examples of this are when they say they need a job. Or to go to school. Or go home and everything will be okay. They want to visit their kids – kids they hadn’t visited much at all during their addiction. On and on…

But our years of experience have taught us that when a client has eyes on something other than recovery there’s a potential problem. When a client is in this mode, thinking a job or relationship or car will enhance their recovery they’re not looking at why they're in a recovery program.

It makes sense that people want to revert to things that, at one time, worked for them. The only problem with that is that if those things worked for them they wouldn’t be with us.

They could stay sober on their own.

Seven Years!

A young woman who celebrated seven years of sobriety at a 12-step meeting this morning shared her story from the podium.

She talked about life before she came into recovery: living in cheap hotels and motels. Losing jobs. Being broke. Dropping her child off at her mother's and not returning to pick him up. This was her story before she got into recovery.

Today, though, she's living her dream life. She and her fiance have a small child and are marrying in the fall. They live in a nice four-bedroom home. They’re both employed, working for the same company. All blessings she attributes to her recovery.

One who shared, a man there seven years earlier when she walked into the rooms, said she had several strikes against her. Had he been a betting man he would have bet against her succeeding in recovery. One challenge was that she was young. The other was that she was pretty. And he went on to explain how young attractive women often have a difficult time getting sober because there's always someone willing to "rescue her." But in her case, she overcame the odds.

And today she was glowing with joy and happiness as she celebrated her anniversary with her fiance, child, and sponsor in attendance.