Half Measures?

In the 12-step literature is the phrase "half measures availed us nothing..."

I was reminded of this today because we have residents who want it both ways. They want to live in a recovery program, but still get high. Some want to be healthy, but still eat poorly and not exercise. They want to smoke, but they want to quit at the same time. They want to change how they feel - and do it right now - the lazy way - with substances.

And it's hard for me to be nice when lives are on the line. I don't say that for dramatic effect. We've buried hundreds of addicts over the years. So when I say lives are on the line, I speak truth.

Many of those who died I knew well. None believed that drugs, alcohol, or poor lifestyle choices would take them out.

I've had men tell me they don't want to die with a needle in their arm. Yet a few months later they're dead. I've had others tell me they'll never drink again - yet they die of alcohol poisoning in an empty lot. It makes me angry when addicts make a half-assed effort to change.

If we want a good life we must fight for it. We work for it. We listen to others. We learn to accept a little emotional pain. We deal with fear and anxiety.

And we don't do anything halfway.

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Tough Love

Usually it's the mothers who write heart wrenching emails about their children. But this time it's a dad. He's distraught because his son has once again relapsed.

He said the son was with us for a while. Then he started using and we threw him out of the program.

His son had excuses for his relapse. For example he said his roommates were using and that got him started.

The son is homeless on the hot streets of Phoenix. But the father told him he would no longer help. All he's willing to give him is moral support while he recovers.

The father said it was one of the toughest calls he had to make, telling his son he could no longer help until he got into recovery.

The father did exactly what I recommend all parents of addicts do. Withhold financial help until they make the commitment to clean up.

As the parent of an addict, I understand how parents become torn. When my son was strung out on heroin I helped him get into a program. But that was it. While he was using he was on his own. And now he's been clean for a few years, and is working a program.

Life sometimes requires us to make tough choices. We love our children, but we don't want to love them to death. And if they get clean they'll understand why we were tough on them.

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Measuring Happiness

The distance between what we want - but don't have - is a measure of our happiness.

For example, we may want a perfect relationship. But if our partner's not participating, we can be unhappy.

If we want money, but aren't doing well financially, that can make us unhappy.

The distance between our circumstances and our dreams can be depressing.

In counseling the first thing I try to learn is what a client wants that they don't have. That tells me what's going on.

Once we define this we can proceed. I ask if what they want is realistic. And often it's not.

But if it's realistic we can discuss a way for them to get it. For example if it's a better job maybe they can get more training. Or they might seek work in a field that pays better.

If it's a better relationship perhaps they can enter counseling - or else accept the partner as they are.

The real path to happiness is to lessen the distance between what we have and what we want. And it's that simple.

Acceptance of where we are in life is a powerful tool for happiness.

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R.I.P.

We note the passing of Christian B., 23. He was a former Roosevelt resident who succumbed to our disease April 18, 2015.

Tuesday, May 5, residents will have a 7:00 p.m. service to place his name on a rock in the house memorial garden.

His untimely death reminds us all of the dangers awaiting us if we return to our addictions.

We send our love and condolences to his family and friends.

May he rest in peace.

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Reunions

Many of our clients express concerns about ever getting back with their families. In fact that may be their number one worry.

They've spent so many years using that everyone's cut them loose.

Some have gotten divorced. Others lost touch. Many have spent years in jail. Some were on skid row. Each story is different.

Yet, there's nothing as heartening as seeing a reunion.

A few years ago, one man - sober a while - showed me pictures of grandbabies from two daughters. He hadn't been in their lives for around 20 years. And now they wanted him to fly up and visit them. He had tears in his eyes as he told me.

I bring this up because I had a relative get in touch recently, someone I haven't seen in some 15 years - when she was in her early 20s. We were never close because her father and I had a strained relationship. But I know we wouldn't be in touch had I still been using. Now we're getting reacquainted.

My counsel to those in TLC is to be patient. Those who once loved us may be back. They probably never stopped loving us. But it became too painful for them to watch us killing ourselves.

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Living in Gratitude

So we start our weekend with gratitude. But for what?

First, be grateful for the people around us. Our families. Our friends. Our employers. Our brothers and sisters in recovery. Those who bring our food to the market. Those who prepare our food when we eat out. The workers who maintain our highways and the power grid. The police who help keep order. You could add hundreds more to this list.

I bring this up because sometimes we addicts feel alone. Like we're not part of anything.

Our interaction with the world may have caused us pain. Our drug and alcohol use isolated us from the mainstream. Our families and friends rejected many of us - and for good reason.

Yet we only feel the sting of rejection. We don't look at the whole equation and realize that we earned their anger. We shattered relationships with our self-centered behavior.

And because of this rejection we want to be alone. We don't want to risk hurting ourselves again. We're living in a cocoon to protect our tender insides.

But gratitude will cut through these feelings of rejection. It'll make us feel a part of the human race. We'll stop feeling sorry for ourselves and stop nurturing our pain.

That's how we can start the weekend.

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No Power

One of my bigger jobs as CEO is to keep the peace.

At least once a week staff members get into it about something. And usually it's trivial. Nothing earth-shaking. I can't remember disagreements between employees ever being about anything substantial.

Maybe it was the way something was said. Perhaps it was a sideways look. It could have been a misperception. Sometimes it's about turf.

And how to deal with these dustups? Usually I suggest that we have no power. We're powerless over everyone. Co-workers. Friends. Husbands. Wives. All are volunteers. They're in our lives by their own choice.

We also have no power over those who work for us. Those we pay to be on the job 40 hours a week. They're also volunteers in the sense that they could be working elsewhere.

To be free we must realize that the only power we have - if we're lucky - is over ourselves.

Once we recognize that, then we have this wonderful sense of freedom. We no longer have the responsibility of managing the universe. It's a big load off my life when I practice this.

When I look at others as being volunteers then I'm grateful for their presence. And being thankful that I don't have to manage them.

That gives me a lot of free time to enjoy life and work on myself.

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