A father whose daughter is addicted to meth approached me today at the fitness center and asked for my business card.
"I think she's finally ready to do something," he told me. "I heard her yesterday on the phone looking for places where she could go for help."
He and I had spoken a few times over the past year about his daughter's addiction. He was like many parents who had suffered through several bouts of her using, then quitting, then starting to use again. He was perplexed and didn’t know what to do. Finally, though, he decided to back off and let her find her own way.
I'm not sure where he got this idea, but as a parent of an addict I believe this is the best approach. We can't always help because there are sometimes collateral family issues involved. Many times children resist help from a parent simply because it is a parent. In the case of my own children I try to not give them advice about using or not using unless they ask. I once helped one of my adult children get clean and sober. Now that the child is using again there's not much I can say. The child already has all the information needed to make a wise decision. What has to happen is for life to intervene, because that's what convinced me to get clean and sober.
Over the years there were many people who were concerned about me. My reaction to their concern was that they should just mind their own business. I thought they didn't know how to party like I did. I thought they were just a bunch of boring people who didn't know how to enjoy life. It was only later on, when I was paying the heavy consequences of criminal behavior associated with my drug use that I realized that they might have some answers for me.
The great teachers were the consequences of my bad behavior. I learned a lot from days and nights being locked up away from my family. Watching others pass me by while I walked the prison yard was a greater lesson than anything anyone could tell me. It was only after I had paid heavy consequences over and over that I decided to change.
Of course the dilemma for all of us parents is being able to stand aside when we know that our children could be in serious danger. Drug and alcohol use can have serious consequences, sometimes fatal. There will never be a time when we can be 100% right about the decisions we make concerning our children's addictions. We can always second-guess ourselves and wonder if we made the right decision, did the right thing.
And the real question is: do we have any power over our grown-up children?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Don't Break the Cycle of Giving...
A client came to me this week because he was having a problem with his ego. It seems he'd spoken out of turn, before he could think through his situation.
"Some of my family offered to fly me to my son's graduation," he told me. "But for some reason my ego wouldn't let me accept the help. They've done so much for me over the years and through my addictions that I don't want to ask them for anything else. Now I'm not sure how I'm going to get to the graduation. Or if I'll get to go."
My suggestion was to tell them exactly what he told me. When he talked to me he was very transparent and honest and upfront about what was going on with him. I had no argument or disagreement with anything he told me. I knew exactly what he meant. If he talks to his family the same they’ll appreciate his candor and his about-face. And obviously they can afford to help him – or they wouldn't have made the offer.
I'm not sure what he'll do but I believe he should do whatever it takes for him to make it to his son's graduation. This client has spent years in prison and on the streets pursuing his addiction. Naturally, in these circumstances he neglected his family even though he continued to love them. Although he has a job he likely won't have enough money to buy the plane ticket to the Midwestern city where his son is graduating from high school.
My sponsor told me this a long time ago: when people are trying to help accept their help - if I need it. He said one of the laws of the universe is to not break the cycle of giving. If someone wants to help, then accept. He said there’ll come a time when I'll be able to help another - that's how the cycle of giving works.
That’s what I told our client. While I'm not sure if he'll accept my advice, if he does he'll experience growth.
"Some of my family offered to fly me to my son's graduation," he told me. "But for some reason my ego wouldn't let me accept the help. They've done so much for me over the years and through my addictions that I don't want to ask them for anything else. Now I'm not sure how I'm going to get to the graduation. Or if I'll get to go."
My suggestion was to tell them exactly what he told me. When he talked to me he was very transparent and honest and upfront about what was going on with him. I had no argument or disagreement with anything he told me. I knew exactly what he meant. If he talks to his family the same they’ll appreciate his candor and his about-face. And obviously they can afford to help him – or they wouldn't have made the offer.
I'm not sure what he'll do but I believe he should do whatever it takes for him to make it to his son's graduation. This client has spent years in prison and on the streets pursuing his addiction. Naturally, in these circumstances he neglected his family even though he continued to love them. Although he has a job he likely won't have enough money to buy the plane ticket to the Midwestern city where his son is graduating from high school.
My sponsor told me this a long time ago: when people are trying to help accept their help - if I need it. He said one of the laws of the universe is to not break the cycle of giving. If someone wants to help, then accept. He said there’ll come a time when I'll be able to help another - that's how the cycle of giving works.
That’s what I told our client. While I'm not sure if he'll accept my advice, if he does he'll experience growth.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
30 Years Later...
The speaker at yesterday's meeting was a wonderful example for those of us who are working our recovery. When he'd gotten sober some 30 years ago he was on the verge of losing everything. His family was ready to leave. He was broke and about to lose his business. His health was precarious.
Today he is retired and wealthy enough to spend several months each year vacationing at resorts. He is prominent in his community and engages in volunteer work. He’s able to spend time with his grandchildren, none of whom have ever seen him drunk.
The stories we hear at 12 step meetings fuel our sobriety. When a meeting is made up solely of newcomers, while there might be motivation to stay clean and sober, there are not a lot of examples of how the process works. But when a man stands up and talks about 30 years of sobriety, we all know he's been through tough times, good times, and faced the many challenges of dealing with day-to-day life. And the other part of the story is when someone keeps coming to meetings after 30 years, we have hope.
We've all heard of those who get sober and after 10 years or 15 years quit going to meetings because they don't need them anymore. But for those of us who work the steps, the 12th step tells us we had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps. The other part of the 12th step is that we carried the message to others. Nowhere in the step doesn't say we carried the message to others for five years, 10 years, or 20 years. There’s no time limitation on how long we carry the message. And the reality is if we carry the message, guess what? We stay sober ourselves by giving away our sobriety.
It’s in the book.
Today he is retired and wealthy enough to spend several months each year vacationing at resorts. He is prominent in his community and engages in volunteer work. He’s able to spend time with his grandchildren, none of whom have ever seen him drunk.
The stories we hear at 12 step meetings fuel our sobriety. When a meeting is made up solely of newcomers, while there might be motivation to stay clean and sober, there are not a lot of examples of how the process works. But when a man stands up and talks about 30 years of sobriety, we all know he's been through tough times, good times, and faced the many challenges of dealing with day-to-day life. And the other part of the story is when someone keeps coming to meetings after 30 years, we have hope.
We've all heard of those who get sober and after 10 years or 15 years quit going to meetings because they don't need them anymore. But for those of us who work the steps, the 12th step tells us we had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps. The other part of the 12th step is that we carried the message to others. Nowhere in the step doesn't say we carried the message to others for five years, 10 years, or 20 years. There’s no time limitation on how long we carry the message. And the reality is if we carry the message, guess what? We stay sober ourselves by giving away our sobriety.
It’s in the book.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Compassion or Policy?
One of our managers came to me with a dilemma. He wanted to help a client who had diabetes, and other medical issues, but who’d lost his medical insurance because of government cutbacks.
The dilemma stemmed from the fact the client really wasn't doing anything about his own health. He was overweight. He smoked. He did no exercise. At TLC we encourage clients to stay healthy. And we have resisted helping those who have medical problems but who aren't doing anything to take care of their health.
In fact, on more than one occasion we have terminated senior employees because they wouldn't quit smoking when it interfered with their work performance. In one instance a long-time employee had a heart attack and repeated bronchial infections, yet continued to light up. While he was recuperating, another employee had to do his job. He was warned he would be let go if he didn’t take his doctor’s advice to quit smoking. He didn’t quit and eventually was fired.
Another long-term employee, who was regularly taking time off because of emphysema was similarly warned – and ultimately terminated because he wouldn’t quit smoking either. Several days a month he’d be sick and off work because his health was worsened by smoking.
In this present case, though, the client had come in with health issues and had been in the program only a few months. After some discussion, we decided this client’s immediate needs superseded TLC policy. So we arranged medical appointments at clinics and set aside funds to cover prescriptions. In his case it would have been inhumane to not do what we could to help him toward a healthy sobriety.
The dilemma stemmed from the fact the client really wasn't doing anything about his own health. He was overweight. He smoked. He did no exercise. At TLC we encourage clients to stay healthy. And we have resisted helping those who have medical problems but who aren't doing anything to take care of their health.
In fact, on more than one occasion we have terminated senior employees because they wouldn't quit smoking when it interfered with their work performance. In one instance a long-time employee had a heart attack and repeated bronchial infections, yet continued to light up. While he was recuperating, another employee had to do his job. He was warned he would be let go if he didn’t take his doctor’s advice to quit smoking. He didn’t quit and eventually was fired.
Another long-term employee, who was regularly taking time off because of emphysema was similarly warned – and ultimately terminated because he wouldn’t quit smoking either. Several days a month he’d be sick and off work because his health was worsened by smoking.
In this present case, though, the client had come in with health issues and had been in the program only a few months. After some discussion, we decided this client’s immediate needs superseded TLC policy. So we arranged medical appointments at clinics and set aside funds to cover prescriptions. In his case it would have been inhumane to not do what we could to help him toward a healthy sobriety.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Recovering Whiz Kids
Over the years new clients have expressed concern about how much money TLC takes in. They come into the program, look around at the number of clients and start multiplying by $110.00.
“My God, these guys are taking in thousands of dollars a week,” they’ll exclaim, as if there’s something relevant about their observations.
Usually those who have an interest in the financial operations of TLC don’t have a lot of interest in getting sober. They forget that a few days before they were broke, hungry, and homeless. They’re starting to feel better physically - but the idea they might have to look at their how they arrived at this point in their life might be too painful for them to confront. So they start looking outside themselves to find fault with the world around them.
Most of those who take this tack have never paid rent anywhere, have lived with mommy and daddy - or have been homeless. They’re finding that being responsible for themselves is a bigger job than they anticipated. In fact, it’s so difficult that many of them revert to drugs or alcohol to cushion them from the pain of work and paying bills.
Nor are they particularly good in their calculations. If they were, they would figure out that it also costs a lot to care for more than 600 people. They might calculate a few of the yearly costs of such care:
Utilities: $700,000
Rental: $750,000
Food: $200,000
Auto Insurance: $60,000
Liability Insurance: $72,000
The list goes on-and-on. And one thing our newly recovering financial whiz kids don’t figure is that 25% of our clients pay nothing. Members of this group obtain jobs and leave with their first paycheck before they pay anything. Whoops! Didn’t calculate that one.
Those who are concerned about our finances are welcome to meet with me at the corporate office; I've always had trouble figuring out how to make this thing work. I need all the help I can get.
“My God, these guys are taking in thousands of dollars a week,” they’ll exclaim, as if there’s something relevant about their observations.
Usually those who have an interest in the financial operations of TLC don’t have a lot of interest in getting sober. They forget that a few days before they were broke, hungry, and homeless. They’re starting to feel better physically - but the idea they might have to look at their how they arrived at this point in their life might be too painful for them to confront. So they start looking outside themselves to find fault with the world around them.
Most of those who take this tack have never paid rent anywhere, have lived with mommy and daddy - or have been homeless. They’re finding that being responsible for themselves is a bigger job than they anticipated. In fact, it’s so difficult that many of them revert to drugs or alcohol to cushion them from the pain of work and paying bills.
Nor are they particularly good in their calculations. If they were, they would figure out that it also costs a lot to care for more than 600 people. They might calculate a few of the yearly costs of such care:
Utilities: $700,000
Rental: $750,000
Food: $200,000
Auto Insurance: $60,000
Liability Insurance: $72,000
The list goes on-and-on. And one thing our newly recovering financial whiz kids don’t figure is that 25% of our clients pay nothing. Members of this group obtain jobs and leave with their first paycheck before they pay anything. Whoops! Didn’t calculate that one.
Those who are concerned about our finances are welcome to meet with me at the corporate office; I've always had trouble figuring out how to make this thing work. I need all the help I can get.
Monday, April 25, 2011
We Deserve Better...
In a self-esteem group this week a client said she’d been married three times – each time to abusive men. The first abused her physically. The second and third abused her emotionally by calling her stupid and saying she could never do anything right. She recognized her poor self-esteem was the underlying factor in her selection of abusive mates.
“But anyway, I’m done with relationships,” she said in conclusion.
I pointed out that avoiding relationships doesn’t address the low self-esteem that led to such unions. Avoiding the issue doesn’t help us do the positive things that allow us function as competent and worthwhile human beings. The fact that we’ll be in a relationship with anyone – if they’ll just accept us – imposes a heavy price for surrendering our dignity and self-worth. These kinds of relationships usually involve abuse or long-suffering misery. This is a self-imposed imprisonment that denies us happiness and fulfillment simply because we don’t feel good about who we are. We alcoholics and addicts often endure this reality by existing in a fog of alcohol or drugs.
Nathaniel Branden, author of the Psychology of Self-Esteem, says we’re deserving of happiness and explains how to achieve it. We do it by recognizing and accepting everything about ourselves as a starting point in moving toward a fulfilling life.
If we build our lives upon a belief that we’re competent beings, deserving of a rich existence, positive circumstances and people will manifest in our lives.
“But anyway, I’m done with relationships,” she said in conclusion.
I pointed out that avoiding relationships doesn’t address the low self-esteem that led to such unions. Avoiding the issue doesn’t help us do the positive things that allow us function as competent and worthwhile human beings. The fact that we’ll be in a relationship with anyone – if they’ll just accept us – imposes a heavy price for surrendering our dignity and self-worth. These kinds of relationships usually involve abuse or long-suffering misery. This is a self-imposed imprisonment that denies us happiness and fulfillment simply because we don’t feel good about who we are. We alcoholics and addicts often endure this reality by existing in a fog of alcohol or drugs.
Nathaniel Branden, author of the Psychology of Self-Esteem, says we’re deserving of happiness and explains how to achieve it. We do it by recognizing and accepting everything about ourselves as a starting point in moving toward a fulfilling life.
If we build our lives upon a belief that we’re competent beings, deserving of a rich existence, positive circumstances and people will manifest in our lives.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A Mother's Concern
A mother emailed to ask about her son, a new arrival at one of our Arizona houses. She seemed so concerned about his welfare and progress that I sent a lengthy answer that I hoped would soothe her.
It seems she’s been dealing with his drinking for a few years. So much so, in fact, that she has a well-done blog that deals primarily with her son’s drinking problems.
In my email I explained how our program works and told her I’d met with her son and that he seemed to be doing well.
This communication with the mother, while not unusual is a good example of how our alcoholism victimizes the others in our life. We addicts often have the idea that our disease only hurts us; that it doesn’t impact those around us. This assumption could not be further from the truth.
We wreak devastation and chaos in the lives of those who love us. It doesn’t matter much how we protest, family members and loved ones are profoundly affected by our disease. In our selfishness and self-centeredness we pay no attention to the pain and misery we inflict on others. Sometimes I have to remind alcoholics, even some with extensive sobriety, of how much damage they did to their loved ones.
If we can understand their pain we might hesitate a moment before we pick up the next drink.
It seems she’s been dealing with his drinking for a few years. So much so, in fact, that she has a well-done blog that deals primarily with her son’s drinking problems.
In my email I explained how our program works and told her I’d met with her son and that he seemed to be doing well.
This communication with the mother, while not unusual is a good example of how our alcoholism victimizes the others in our life. We addicts often have the idea that our disease only hurts us; that it doesn’t impact those around us. This assumption could not be further from the truth.
We wreak devastation and chaos in the lives of those who love us. It doesn’t matter much how we protest, family members and loved ones are profoundly affected by our disease. In our selfishness and self-centeredness we pay no attention to the pain and misery we inflict on others. Sometimes I have to remind alcoholics, even some with extensive sobriety, of how much damage they did to their loved ones.
If we can understand their pain we might hesitate a moment before we pick up the next drink.
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