Positive Happens

A client summoned to our corporate offices from an outlying facility for a meeting with staff expressed anxiety to the manager during the 20 minute ride from Phoenix to Mesa.

He was afraid because he couldn’t figure out why he’d been called to the office for a meeting. So by the time they arrived he was a nervous wreck.

However, once the meeting started he found he wasn’t in trouble. Instead he learned he was being considered once more as a house manager - a job he’d previously held.  He was quite relieved.

Before the meeting was over he was asked why he why he thought something bad might happen to him rather than something positive. He didn’t know.

We addicts often let our negative attitudes control our expectations. One of the managers at the meeting told him “You could as easily have said ‘something great’s going to happen to me today. I can’t think of any other reason I would be asked to come the office. I can’t wait to find out what wonderful thing’s about to happen!’”

When this was brought to his attention he agreed. And maybe the next time he faces uncertainty he might remember his experience today.

Divine Intervention?

There aren’t many things I dread, but a big one is dealing with government bureaucracy. So it had to be divine intervention when the receptionist assigned me to a very helpful planner to process my request to modify an office.

This government employee was so helpful that I immediately suspected she had personal experience with alcoholics and addicts.

            “I’m familiar with that location,” she said, looking at her computer screen. “You house recovering addicts there, don’t you?”

I said we did, and had been there a number of years. 

As she continued with my application I wasn’t surprised when she told me her two brothers were addicts. She spoke of her frustration in trying to help them. Her help included money, food, transportation and housing. She said she finally gave up, refusing to do anything more for them because they seemed to be getting worse. And that’s when they began to change. Today they’re both clean and working at rebuilding their lives.

In the course of business I have these kinds of encounters on a fairly regular basis. The first sign is they seem more receptive or helpful than usual. And I will learn later, sometimes much later, that a friend or family member is a substance abuser. And it’s not unusual for them to ask to speak to me about something personal after we’ve completed our business. And, of course, it’s always about how to help someone who suffers from our disease.

Responsibiltiy?

An addict friend who’s been clean for some time told me how she’d felt guilty for years after her father died while she was on a drug spree.

            “For years I blamed myself, felt that my behavior had caused his death,” she told me. “It was only after I’d lived with the 12-steps for several years that I realized I don’t have that kind of power. I felt guilty because I wasn’t there at the end. And I didn’t find out about his passing until seven months later.”

Many times during 20 years working with addicts I’ve met those who feel so guilty about what they’ve done to themselves – and their loved ones - that they blame themselves when bad things happen. They somehow think that when a family member dies, or a friend relapses, or an accident occurs they’re responsible. 

They tell themselves “If only ida done this or that,” maybe things would’ve turned out different. My question often is “Do you take responsibility for good things that happen to them also?” They usually get the point.

My suggestion is that we take the first part of the first step and modify it to say we’re powerless over nearly everything – especially things that happen to others. Of course others react to our bad and good behavior. But our effect on others is so difficult to determine that it’s futile for us take responsibility. We're not God.

This kind of emotional back and forth can only bring negativity and depression into our lives. And these negative emotions are a breeding ground for our next relapse.

Don't Shoot the Wounded

During the ride home from the airport yesterday I realized that nothing had changed in the recovery field during the two weeks I was in Mexico.

As soon as we got in the car I learned that staff was investigating a manager who was suspected of stealing. And sure enough, by the in time we were to Mesa, another call came in confirming his guilt.

Now 20 years ago such information would have really bothered me, but we’ve dealt with this maybe a dozen times. While it’s disappointing when someone betrays trust, I've read that most retail businesses lose more to employee theft than to outsiders. In fact, we lose less than most businesses because everyone’s under a microscope here.

Sometimes people ask “how can you trust anyone after they steal?” 

My response is that we trust addicts to be addicts, and sometimes when they’re not spiritually right they revert to old behavior.

So what did we do with this thief?  Because he rolled over immediately and admitted he’d stolen we fired him. But we let him remain in the program as a client. He agreed to repay the money and we told him we wouldn’t prosecute him if he repaid us.

Some might say we’re too lenient in these situations.  However, reality is that many of us were given more than one chance before we changed our lives. For that reason we never shoot our wounded. We try to help them get better.

Anger in Paradise?

At a 12 step meeting last Monday on the Mexican Riviera the topic, to my surprise, was anger. One would think that in paradise there would be little stress, that anger would be reserved for us hard working Americans.
 

But as the meeting progressed I learned that traffic, job stress, drunken relatives and bills impact people there just like it does us here at home. But those of us there on vacation were so happy being in such a beautiful place that nothing was going to ruin our day..

One visitor, sober many years, shared that he was “too lazy to get angry.” He explained that after having to make amends after many outbursts in early recovery he decided it was less work to avoid anger than to indulge in it. Instead of getting his blood pressure up and wasting time rationalizing that he was right and the other guy was wrong - he today lives in peace. He decided it didn't make a lot of sense to be right if it impacts his serenity. In the end no one much cares who's right or wrong and he doesn’t have to spend a lot of his time cleaning up after an angry outburst.

We were all grateful for the respite at the end of the day, and a chance to share with others in recovery.

Breakfast with a three-legged dog

I had breakfast today with a black three-legged pup at an open air bay-side cafe in Mismaloya yesterday – and thought about the perfect world our creator made for us and how all his creatures are cared for.

Here I was, feet in the sand, 80 degrees temperature, surf rising right to the legs of the table, enjoying a plate of huevos rancheros when this pup, and another dog that was dragging a twisted hind leg, showed up at my table. They acted hungry so I shared food with them. And when I finished breakfast they were done with me and moved on to another table where food was just arriving.

I reflected that both of them seemed well nourished and realized that they were strays that live and hang out in this small community. But they weren’t the only ones.

Also on the beach and in the water were several pelicans being fed by tourists.

It seemed ironic that these creatures- without jobs or credits cards- were living the good life that so many visitors work hard to enjoy. They were all well-fed, living in paradise, playing, eating and enjoying themselves. It reminded me of the lines from the New Testament where it says “look to the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap.” And the verse goes on to say that if God takes such good care of lowly creatures how well he’ll take care of us who are made in his own image.

These reassuring thoughts reminded me that my Higher Power always looked out for me before I got sober - and continues to do so today.

Live in Mexico?

On vacation here in this tropical paradise I sometimes fantasize about taking up residence and never returning home - except for maybe a visit. And yesterday, while at a small restaurant in the local mall, I met a young waiter who did that very thing.

When I asked him where he learned to speak such good English he told me that he’d come here on vacation a few years ago from Washington state. He loved the people and the climate and decided to stay. He sent his wife home, found a job and enjoys living in paradise. His wife spends part of the year here with him and the rest at their home in the U.S. In his case it works well because he’s bilingual and doesn’t have a lot of obligations back home.

While doing what this man did is a great fantasy, reality is that I love the life I have in the U.S. My family is there, my home is there. My life mission, helping substance abusers rebuild their lives, takes place there.  My recovery community is there. 

We have been blessed to be able to spend a month here this year on two separate trips. And even though the living here fantasy might not play out – we are planning to return in six months.