At least once a month I receive a heartbreaking email or letter from an addict's family or loved ones.
They're looking for an answer. Any answer. They're at wits end, in a muck of frustration that colors their lives.
They never in their wildest imagination thought their precious baby would morph into a drug monster. Change into a criminal who would trade mom’s wedding ring and family heirlooms for drugs.
They sent him to preschool. Kindergarten. Enrolled him in sports. They applauded him in school plays.. Sent him to summer camp. Then on to good schools and college.
They did all the right things. At least they thought they did. But now they question themselves. Maybe we should have done this? Maybe we were too strict? Even though they were doing their best a nagging guilt bubbles up.
I tell them there's not much rhyme or reason as to why some become addicts. Children can be raised in a terrible environment and become wildly successful. Others live in the lap of privilege, yet do nothing worthwhile with their lives.
But the positive thing I tell them is that there's a solution in treatment. And in the 12-step programs. They seem comforted by that.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Good Outcome
A professional man with an addict daughter is happy because she's been sober and clean for over a year.
For a long time I saw him struggle with her disease. He blamed himself. Maybe he was too strict with her when she was growing up. He blamed his ex. He blamed the crowd she hung out with when she was in high school. Maybe they lived in the wrong neighborhood.
Or was it something else? He never wanted to put the responsibility on her – which is where it belonged.
But, after he spent a lot of money on treatment programs he gave her an ultimatum: that he would help her one more time. And that was it.
Maybe the cumulative effects of the many treatment programs helped. Or maybe his ultimatum turned her around.
In any event, she completed treatment. She found employment. She goes to meetings and hangs out with sober people.
Sometimes things do work out.
Click here to email John
For a long time I saw him struggle with her disease. He blamed himself. Maybe he was too strict with her when she was growing up. He blamed his ex. He blamed the crowd she hung out with when she was in high school. Maybe they lived in the wrong neighborhood.
Or was it something else? He never wanted to put the responsibility on her – which is where it belonged.
But, after he spent a lot of money on treatment programs he gave her an ultimatum: that he would help her one more time. And that was it.
Maybe the cumulative effects of the many treatment programs helped. Or maybe his ultimatum turned her around.
In any event, she completed treatment. She found employment. She goes to meetings and hangs out with sober people.
Sometimes things do work out.
Click here to email John
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Valuable Lessons
A man who had never been to a 12-step meeting learned that addicts and alcoholics are just like everyone else.
When the court ordered him go to 10 meetings with signature verification he was apprehensive about who he’d meet in the rooms.
“I met people just like me,” he said.
As he sat in meetings he developed gratitude. He heard stories from those who faced challenges. Some had been in accidents. Others had been to prison because of drinking and drugging. There were stories of divorces and loss of jobs. And he realized his life was okay.
While with his wife at dinner one evening she wondered what people at meetings looked like. He said they look exactly like the people around them in the restaurant. And she was surprised. Her idea of an alcoholic had been someone who wore ragged clothes and drank in an alley.
He said that though his visit to court was for a minor alcohol violation, he learned valuable lessons from the meetings.
When the court ordered him go to 10 meetings with signature verification he was apprehensive about who he’d meet in the rooms.
“I met people just like me,” he said.
As he sat in meetings he developed gratitude. He heard stories from those who faced challenges. Some had been in accidents. Others had been to prison because of drinking and drugging. There were stories of divorces and loss of jobs. And he realized his life was okay.
While with his wife at dinner one evening she wondered what people at meetings looked like. He said they look exactly like the people around them in the restaurant. And she was surprised. Her idea of an alcoholic had been someone who wore ragged clothes and drank in an alley.
He said that though his visit to court was for a minor alcohol violation, he learned valuable lessons from the meetings.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Building on Failure
Many times we feel crushed when we fail. Yet failure can be a positive. It can make us stronger and more resourceful.
This came up as I read a story about investors who lend start-up money to entrepreneurs. These investment groups don't fund projects unless they know everything about the project's manager. Aside from other experience, they want to know if the borrower has lost money - or failed - in previous ventures.
But they don't view this as a negative. Instead, it gives them insight into the borrower. In other words, this person can deal with setbacks. He or she won't disappear with their money. This is someone they can count on.
While this might not be the greatest analogy, it reminds me of how many of our staff members have had setbacks. Some relapsed more than once. Yet those who return and stick around go on to lead successful lives.
When their recovery gets rough they have the experience of past failures to draw upon. And they don't run away either.
This came up as I read a story about investors who lend start-up money to entrepreneurs. These investment groups don't fund projects unless they know everything about the project's manager. Aside from other experience, they want to know if the borrower has lost money - or failed - in previous ventures.
But they don't view this as a negative. Instead, it gives them insight into the borrower. In other words, this person can deal with setbacks. He or she won't disappear with their money. This is someone they can count on.
While this might not be the greatest analogy, it reminds me of how many of our staff members have had setbacks. Some relapsed more than once. Yet those who return and stick around go on to lead successful lives.
When their recovery gets rough they have the experience of past failures to draw upon. And they don't run away either.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Treatment Relationships
Because we accept both men and women in our program we face challenges.
And it's not uncommon for clients to strike up relationships within a week of meeting.
Experience shows that these treatment romances don't end well.
For example, we haven't heard good things about the last five client romances. There are many rumors about what's been going on since they left. And while rumor is not the most reliable source, it's a sign that something's not right.
We hear of drug use. Drug dealing. Fights. Arrests. Homelessness. We don't want these outcomes for our clients.
Once clients form a relationship that's what they focus on.
They don't hear what's going on in group. In one-on-one sessions they want to discuss their sweetheart instead of recovery. The relationship takes precedence over everything.
When I talk to these clients about the dangers of treatment romances they look at me as if I'm from another planet.
And it's not uncommon for clients to strike up relationships within a week of meeting.
Experience shows that these treatment romances don't end well.
For example, we haven't heard good things about the last five client romances. There are many rumors about what's been going on since they left. And while rumor is not the most reliable source, it's a sign that something's not right.
We hear of drug use. Drug dealing. Fights. Arrests. Homelessness. We don't want these outcomes for our clients.
Once clients form a relationship that's what they focus on.
They don't hear what's going on in group. In one-on-one sessions they want to discuss their sweetheart instead of recovery. The relationship takes precedence over everything.
When I talk to these clients about the dangers of treatment romances they look at me as if I'm from another planet.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Recovery Relationships
A couple in recovery talks about their relationship.
Sometimes, when things get difficult, one of them will sulk for a week or so. Then, because they care for one another, they start talking again. They’re unhappy because these cycles are happening more often. What to do?
To help them, I point out statistics on marriages. Something like 50% of them end in divorce.
Though I haven't seen studies on recovery relationships, I think we addicts face bigger challenges than so-called “normal” folks.
After all, many of us show up in relationships with issues. And sometimes not much knowledge of intimacy.
But one resource we addicts do have that so-called “normal” people don’t is the 12-step programs.
We have meetings and sponsors to help us through rough patches – including in our relationships.
This couple might look there for help.
Click here to email John
Sometimes, when things get difficult, one of them will sulk for a week or so. Then, because they care for one another, they start talking again. They’re unhappy because these cycles are happening more often. What to do?
To help them, I point out statistics on marriages. Something like 50% of them end in divorce.
Though I haven't seen studies on recovery relationships, I think we addicts face bigger challenges than so-called “normal” folks.
After all, many of us show up in relationships with issues. And sometimes not much knowledge of intimacy.
But one resource we addicts do have that so-called “normal” people don’t is the 12-step programs.
We have meetings and sponsors to help us through rough patches – including in our relationships.
This couple might look there for help.
Click here to email John
Friday, July 25, 2014
Trusting God
Since the early days of TLC I've learned to trust God when things get tough. But it wasn't always that way.
Used to be, back in 1992, when we'd lose a key employee, I’d fret about who was going to manage for us. Who would fill in?
Inevitably, we'd find someone. But it wasn't without a moment of anxiety.
This topic came up for me this week when the managers of two of our largest facilities gave up their jobs, both in the same day.
Then days later we had to fill spots in the corporate office because two employees walked out.
So where did the new people come from?
In the case of the house managers we’re fortunate to have more than one person who can do the job. And they stepped up.
As to the office, a couple of people appeared who have been around TLC for a while. They're training for the new positions.
It's always worked that way for us - without exception. Just when we’re trying to figure out what we're going to do to keep things running, the right people show up.
These things don’t happen by accident.
Click here to email John
Used to be, back in 1992, when we'd lose a key employee, I’d fret about who was going to manage for us. Who would fill in?
Inevitably, we'd find someone. But it wasn't without a moment of anxiety.
This topic came up for me this week when the managers of two of our largest facilities gave up their jobs, both in the same day.
Then days later we had to fill spots in the corporate office because two employees walked out.
So where did the new people come from?
In the case of the house managers we’re fortunate to have more than one person who can do the job. And they stepped up.
As to the office, a couple of people appeared who have been around TLC for a while. They're training for the new positions.
It's always worked that way for us - without exception. Just when we’re trying to figure out what we're going to do to keep things running, the right people show up.
These things don’t happen by accident.
Click here to email John
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