We can Help

While walking out of a Subway yesterday evening I noticed a young man follow me out the door.

Once we were outside he asked for a dollar.

When I asked what was going on, he told me he was homeless and hungry.

Making an assumption that he was an addict, I handed him some money and said I could help.

But when I mentioned TLC, he had an immediate reaction.

"Not that place," he said. "I just left there today."

When I questioned him further, he had all kinds of reasons why he left. They were making him work. He had to pay to be there. There were bedbugs and cockroaches. The food was terrible. He had to go to meetings. He went on and on.

Finally - when he finished with his excuses - I gave him my card and told him if he changed his mind we were still willing to help.

As I drove away, I saw him looking at the card, perhaps thinking about my offer. 

In any event a few days being homeless and hungry might help him decide.

Click here to email John

Real Life

I received this message last week from a former client. I thought it might help others understand the real life dilemmas we face when we get clean. She kindly allowed me to publish it here. Her name is omitted to help protect anonymity.

"John,

I was at TLC for 10 months. At Robson.

It was the best experience of my life. I got a job. Got my life straightened out. Went to all my meetings and Alano

I had a relationship with my daughter and granddaughter. I recently left TLC and moved back to my hometown after 26 years.

My life is good. I started going to meetings as soon as I got here. I got a sponsor. Working part time for now. Moving into a place with my best friend from high school.

The problem is that because I decided to live life on life's terms and let my higher power lead me where He may, my daughter, who lives in Mesa, is no longer talking to me. She feels I abandoned her just when she was starting to accept that I was going to be there for her.

I explained I will always be there for her but I have to do what is right for me. I have to be happy or I could potentially go back to doing what I was doing for the last 26 years. That is not an option. So now I'm giving her time to accept that this is how it is and if she wants a relationship she will contact me when she's ready.

I have no control over her. So I'm living my life and doing what I need to do to be happy and successful. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your program. TLC truly changed my life. 

God Bless you and Miss Rebecca."

This message illustrates difficult choices we sometimes have to make in recovery.

Once we're in recovery others often have their own ideas about how we should behave. Maybe how we're supposed to make up for the past. They don't understand that if we don't have a solid recovery nothing else matters.

Hopefully, her daughter's love will eventually help her understand what's important.

Click here to email John

Angry Father

A long time halfway house manager comes to my office and asks me to listen to a voice mail that he puts on speaker phone.

The man who left the message was obviously drunk. He slurs his words. He sounds angry. He snarls threats about what he plans to do.

One is a graphic diatribe about subjecting the manager to various sex acts. Others are about giving the manager a beating. There are many more adjectives, none positive or uplifting.

The manager told me he'd discharged the man's son for breaking rules. And that's why the father was angry.

Though it doesn't happen every day, this is not an unusual reaction from a parent.  Parents give us their addict children and expect us to change years of bad parenting in a few weeks. That rarely happens.

Some of these youngsters experience culture shock when they come to TLC.  They're not used to working. To waking at 4:00 am. To cleaning their rooms or going to meetings. To paying service fees. In essence, to being adults.

And while we work with them for a while, we eventually lose patience and send them back to mommy or daddy if they can't comply.

Our compassion goes out to this angry father. Because - on top of a hangover - he had an addict son back living on his sofa the next morning.

Click here to email John

He's Ready

Today I received an email from an alcoholic who's struggling with his disease.

He's a man in  his middle years who's been drinking for a while. He's unemployable because he went to work at early age and never developed advanced job skills.

He said he prays every night before he goes to sleep that God will take him before he wakes up.

He says that if he doesn't die soon he may take his own life.

He alarmed me when he mentioned suicide. I immediately sent him an email saying we could help him. If he had included a phone number, I would've called him.

Yet, in spite of his situation, I have high hopes for him if he can get here.

When someone comes to us who's arrived at the his station in life he has no more illusions. He has no arrogance.  He has no ego. He's totally surrendered to the fact that he's an alcoholic. Deflation.

If this man shows up, we can help.

We sometimes have addicts arrive with a car. A job. A girlfriend. A wardrobe. Usually they also bring ego, no matter how tattered it might be. These are people that we sometimes have difficulty helping because they haven't hit bottom yet.  We sometimes ask them to leave until they lose everything - until they're really willing.

But the man who wrote the email, he's ready.

Click here to email John

Happiness Formula

We addicts are sometimes so unhappy. But why?

It usually goes back to the idea that we want something we don't have.

The past few days I spent time with addicts who were unhappy. One was in tears over I don't know what. Another was angry. One had a dark cloud of depression over his head. But why?

I'm not 100% sure.  But I know that each had the same core issue: they wanted something they didn't have. One wanted more freedom. Another to be in a relationship. Another needed a job. One didn't like being on restriction.

None accepted the idea that their unfulfilled wants made them unhappy. They were looking at externals.

If only they could have the things or situations they were grasping for they'd be okay. They wanted what they wanted and right now. Not having what they wanted equaled unhappiness.

A wise person gave me these two keys to happiness:

• The first was that at this moment I accept everything about myself and my life. 

• The second was that I don't want things I don't already have or can't easily get.

And this is true. If I'm satisfied with where I am and with what I have, then everything's perfect. And that means my marriage, my income, my home, my age, and so forth. Everything.

At some point I came to realize that the next great thing doesn't bring happiness. Maybe a temporary rush until the newness wore off. But that soon becomes an empty cycle.

So, to recap, the secret is that we accept what's going on at this moment. And we don't want anything in life we don't have right now.

That's happiness.

Click here to email John

A Time to Leave

A former resident who moved out several months back called to give me an update on his life.

He was struggling to get by. He hadn't relapsed yet, but also didn't attend as many meetings as he had at TLC.

Expenses of living on his own were something he hadn't calculated. Utilities, rent and deposits, car insurance and gas were eating up his paycheck.

All he really paid attention to before leaving was the $15 an hour he was earning. While living with us and paying $110 a week that seemed like a lot of money. But now that he was having to pay for his own food and living expenses he found himself running short. He had little disposable income.

And one intangible he hadn't figured on at all was that he had a lot of moral and emotional support while with TLC. In fact he said that was what he missed the most.

We counsel those who leave that these are some of the many factors to consider before going on their own.

While part of our name is transitional there's a time to do it right.

Click here to email John

No Limits!

"The number one reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family, and neighbors." Napoleon Hill

An older client from a rural community watches as I enter some of his information on my computer.

“You know,” he said, sadness in his voice, “I’ve never learned to use a computer”

He said his father told him he didn’t need to learn stuff like that. He just needed to find a simple job and do it. So, for most of his life he’s been working manual labor and menial jobs, barely getting by.

He seemed resistant when I suggested that he no longer listen to his father, who had long ago passed on. Instead, he should listen to his own dreams and desires. His eyes told me he liked the idea of doing something different. But his words said something else.

How many of us listen to voices from the past?  The chorus from negative people?  Listen to those who hobble our ambition and dreams with their negativity? Maybe suggesting we settle for something mediocre when we’re capable of so much more?

If you have a passion to go beyond what you’ve done all your life, do it now. Block out negative family, friends, or associates.

This applies to everything from your recovery to your choice of a career or business - everything.

Relatives said I’d never stay sober, that I'd spend my life in prison. Or be a bum.

My life changed because I didn't accept limitations from others.

You can change your life.  Stop accepting limits others might put upon you.

Click here to email John