Mother Love

Last week a mother calls about her twenty-something son who's in our halfway house program.

He calls her daily to complain. He's forced to get up early in the morning to work on a labor ticket. He shares an apartment with two other addicts, both older men who don't like his kind of music. He has to wash his own clothing. The food sucks. He has to go to meetings after work. He wants to go back home.

His list goes on and on.

She asks about getting him into our treatment program, but doesn't have insurance.

I can feel the pain in her voice and want to somehow comfort her. But there's not much I can give her in way of a painless solution. So I start talking about reality.

And the reality is that it's good for her son to start paying the consequences of his addiction. If he doesn't get the message at his young age he might find himself residing in worse places than our halfway house program.

Maybe a homeless shelter. A spot under a bridge. The hot streets of Phoenix. The big yard in Florence. Tent City. Not exactly living the dream.

She agrees that he needs to grow up and take care of himself. But it's painful to let go.

I suggest she not pay attention to his complaints. Don't let him back home. Encourage him to change.

If she does that she might help save his life.

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Overcoming Self

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." Nelson Mandela

Earlier this year I finished Mandela's autobiography, "Long Walk to Freedom."

And while I'd read reports about his life in the press, the insights in this book were inspiring. His life is an example of what one can do with enough perseverance.

As a recovering addict I like to read about how others overcame challenges. And I use these examples in my own life to keep things in perspective.

The value of this knowledge for us addicts is immeasurable. When we learn what others have done to overcome challenges we gain courage.

While we addicts don't face the challenges Mandela did, we have internal battles to overcome. And while they may seem small to others, to us they may seem insurmountable.

To live drug and alcohol free we must learn to live in a different culture. And change our way of thinking. Especially if we've had a long-term addiction.

It can be a shock to our psyche to get a job. To stop stealing. To start telling the truth. To be there for our families and friends.

But if we look at the suffering others went through to succeed we can find hope for ourselves.

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Reason for Gratitude

At the end of the day it's easy to find reasons for gratitude.

And today I'm grateful for the medical services that are helping my youngest daughter through a problem pregnancy

Her doctor had her flown from Prescott a month ago to Banner Thunderbird hospital in Phoenix.

And she'll be there at least another month - unless the baby decides to come earlier.

Each time I visit I'm impressed with the care she receives. The staff monitors her around the clock. And so far everything's good.

When I see how well she's cared for it belies what I see in the media about healthcare in our country.

The news about healthcare in general is mostly negative. But my experience with my daughter's pregnancy has been positive.

And for that I'm grateful.

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Mad Dad

A former resident's dad called this week to give me a piece of his mind.

He didn't like how we'd treated his daughter, whom we discharged for using drugs and alcohol.  Didn't we know that alcohol was legal?  And that she had a prescription for those opiates?

No matter how hard I tried he didn't seem to understand that we insist on a drug free environment.

After I listened to him rant for a while I hung up.  This is something I rarely do.  However, when people just want to scream there's not much alternative.  I'm one who believes in letting other people vent.  But after four or five minutes I start to get crazy myself.

He called back but with the same result.  He couldn't control his anger long enough for us to talk.

I feel for the daughter.  While genetics aren't destiny it's pretty easy to see why this young woman uses drugs.

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Perfection

“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” Voltaire

Often we addicts strive for perfection. And when we don’t achieve it we beat ourselves up.

We might seek the perfect job. To do the perfect 4th step. Have the perfect relationship. And when we don’t achieve these unrealistic goals we get down on ourselves because we live in the black and white world of absolutes. Either perfect or nothing.

Sometimes it’s okay if things are just good. They don’t have to be perfect. They don’t even have to be the best. Maybe good enough is okay, because that's progress.

Some of us spent half our lives falling short of what the world expected of us. We didn’t live up to our potential in school or on the job because of our love affair with drugs and alcohol. And it didn't matter much because we covered our feelings with chemicals.

Once in the light of recovery our shortcomings become obvious. And sometimes we overcompensate by trying to be perfect.

A balanced recovery incorporates the 12-step idea that progress is more important than perfection. There's a satisfaction in looking at our hard work and telling ourselves that we're doing okay. Not perfect, but moving forward.

Trying to be perfect is high stress, something most of us addicts don't handle well.

Click here for an interesting article about trying to be perfect.

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Honest Addicts?

TLC is as big as it is - 700 beds - because we accept anyone who shows up - whether they have money or not.

Young or old. Any color, any background. Male, female and anywhere in between. Healthy or unhealthy. We accept everyone.

The only addicts we don't accept are those with arrests for sex offenses or arson.

However, our generosity has been a problem for us for over 20 years.

And the problem is that when addicts show up to our program they're not very honest.

I mean, the phrase "honest addict" is an oxymoron, is it not?

So we take addicts in without money. We feed and house them.  We provide counseling. We help them get a job. Then wait for them to get paid. This is usually a three-week process.

And at the end of three weeks they might owe $250-$350. But once they get paid, many will leave rather than pay something on what they owe.  Even though they've signed a contract agreeing to pay.

They'll find another halfway house, pay a week's rent, then put the rest of the money either in their pocket - or else invest in drugs.

We estimate that we lose 25% of our revenue to those who use our services, and then run off without paying.

But we've been operating this way for a long time. Yet we're somehow able to pay our bills and help others.

A more important aspect of this is that many stick around to change their lives. They pay their bills. They get sober. They give back to the world.

And that's enough for us.

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Pleasure and Pain

Human nature is to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

It's a hard-wired survival skill, one that's brought us from caveman days to where we are now. And it applies in many areas of our lives.

Eating is pleasurable and enables us to survive. Sex is a joy, and continues our species. Taking care of our loved ones brings us the pleasure of closeness to others.

And, of course, not having these things can be painful in varying degrees.

This part of our nature served us well throughout our history.

But for us addicts in today's world the seeking of pleasure and avoiding pain is an ongoing issue.

Because we have a low tolerance for pain of any kind.

If someone rejects us we interpret it to mean that everyone hates us and always will.

If we don't get the job we might interpret that to mean that we're an incompetent boob.

If we fail a test we might believe we're stupid, rather than admit we didn't study.

We addicts know how to escape this self-induced pain. Rather than recognize that life can be a bitch at times and accept the pain, we seek instant gratification.

We suck down some Jack Daniels. Or maybe snort a line. Smoke a rock. Cook up some black tar. We drown our misery in a chemical - or maybe a mix of chemicals.

Sooner or later though we have to come out of hiding. We have to face whatever realities we temporarily escaped.

And that's what recovery is about. In recovery - if we're one of the lucky ones - we learn that successful living incorporates both pain and pleasure.

Click here to email John