One of our halfway house clients told me a few days ago that when he was in his addiction he "never hurt anyone." Just himself.
And this is a statement I hear often. In fact, I said it more than once in the early days of my own recovery.
It was only later, when I became more seasoned in my recovery, that I recognized that I did I lot of damage to others when I was using.
To those of us with families and loved ones the damage is obvious. Even if we didn't steal material things from them, our addiction caused much pain.
Because we took something from them that was much more valuable. We let them down. We didn't live up to their hopes and dreams for us. We weren’t in their lives. We weren't present. We didn't show love and kindness.
Instead, we were out hustling for drugs. Or, as in my case, we in prison for crimes we committed in pursuit of euphoria.
But who did we hurt if we had no family left? In that case we still did damage. We opted out of society. We weren't a contributor to the world at large.
Instead we were indulging in self-gratification that got us in trouble. The world spent money to process us through the court system. To feed and house us while we were in jail or prison. To supervise us while we were on probation. Kind of like being on welfare.
None of us who pursue our addictions do so without harming someone. Whether it be someone close. Or the world at large.
Click here to email John
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Key to Success
A key ingredient of success is being willing to fail. Being able to fall on our butts and get up and keep moving forward.
This came up today when I heard a man say he lacked the confidence to go out in the world on his own.
And I'm talking of basic things like getting a job. Finding an apartment. Buying a car.
I pointed out that we're surrounded by people doing that very thing here in our community. All around us. Even people from other countries who don't speak our language find success here.
Now I know it's easy for someone who's successful to give someone advice. But there's no other way to put it.
I can't remember how many times in my life I've had to start over. And I did. I'd build a business, or get a great job. I'd make money and own stuff. Only to end up giving it to the dope man. Then I'd start over.
My life's path is littered with bad ideas. Business failures. Personal failures. Divorces. Yet I kept trying until I got it right.
I hope this man can find it in himself to do the same thing.
Click here to email John
This came up today when I heard a man say he lacked the confidence to go out in the world on his own.
And I'm talking of basic things like getting a job. Finding an apartment. Buying a car.
I pointed out that we're surrounded by people doing that very thing here in our community. All around us. Even people from other countries who don't speak our language find success here.
Now I know it's easy for someone who's successful to give someone advice. But there's no other way to put it.
I can't remember how many times in my life I've had to start over. And I did. I'd build a business, or get a great job. I'd make money and own stuff. Only to end up giving it to the dope man. Then I'd start over.
My life's path is littered with bad ideas. Business failures. Personal failures. Divorces. Yet I kept trying until I got it right.
I hope this man can find it in himself to do the same thing.
Click here to email John
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Through the Fire
"There are some things you can't learn from others. You have to pass through the fire." Norman Vincent Peale
I like the quote above. Because when I was young a lot of people tried to give me direction. They told me I should change my ways, else I'd end up in prison. Or worse.
Oh, I heard them. But my rebellious nature didn't let me use the information.
It was all good advice. Go to school. Join the military. Learn a trade. Do something.
But by the time I was in my teens, the years I'd spent with an alcoholic father had me traumatized. I was too pissed off to listen to anyone about anything.
Instead I covered my pain with drugs and alcohol to the extent that I was only out of jail 17 months between ages 16 to 26. And then I added several more years before I got sober.
As in the quote above, I had to "pass through the fire."
In dealing with our clients now I warn them of the slippery slope they're on. Those who've had enough pain pay attention.
But the ones who haven't suffered enough may have to learn painful lessons. As did many of us.
Click here to email John
I like the quote above. Because when I was young a lot of people tried to give me direction. They told me I should change my ways, else I'd end up in prison. Or worse.
Oh, I heard them. But my rebellious nature didn't let me use the information.
It was all good advice. Go to school. Join the military. Learn a trade. Do something.
But by the time I was in my teens, the years I'd spent with an alcoholic father had me traumatized. I was too pissed off to listen to anyone about anything.
Instead I covered my pain with drugs and alcohol to the extent that I was only out of jail 17 months between ages 16 to 26. And then I added several more years before I got sober.
As in the quote above, I had to "pass through the fire."
In dealing with our clients now I warn them of the slippery slope they're on. Those who've had enough pain pay attention.
But the ones who haven't suffered enough may have to learn painful lessons. As did many of us.
Click here to email John
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Successful Graduates
I sometimes get heartwarming emails from former halfway house clients who used our program to help change their lives. Here's another one well worth reading. (Names omitted to protect anonymity)
"Every morning before my kids wake up I sit down and read your blog. Each day I take something out of it and apply it to my day. It's a great reminder of why I came into the program and continue to stay sober.
As I like to say, I walked throuh the golden arch (carport) at Robson Street in June 2013. I said bye to my husband and off he went to the Southern house.
We made a commitment to each other and to our higher power that we were going to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Our lives were a mess. We were about to be homeless and we'd lost our kids to CPS for the third time. I was told I would never see my kids again.
After just a few days in your program I knew that this is where I needed to be. I was welcomed by your staff and other residents. I knew I wasn't alone anymore and I began to have hope again.
I wanted to send this email just to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts to you and to everyone who makes TLC what it is today.
Without this program and its "crazy" rules we'd still be lost. After my husband and I completed 6 months at the program we were able to move into your sober living apartments.
We continue to live here with our boys and we couldn't be happier. I spend my days helping other women stay clean and sober and help guide them on how to one day reunite with their children.
We will be forever grateful for your program and I hope my story will help others live a better life. Thank you again.
A TLC graduate"
Click here to email John
"Every morning before my kids wake up I sit down and read your blog. Each day I take something out of it and apply it to my day. It's a great reminder of why I came into the program and continue to stay sober.
As I like to say, I walked throuh the golden arch (carport) at Robson Street in June 2013. I said bye to my husband and off he went to the Southern house.
We made a commitment to each other and to our higher power that we were going to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Our lives were a mess. We were about to be homeless and we'd lost our kids to CPS for the third time. I was told I would never see my kids again.
After just a few days in your program I knew that this is where I needed to be. I was welcomed by your staff and other residents. I knew I wasn't alone anymore and I began to have hope again.
I wanted to send this email just to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts to you and to everyone who makes TLC what it is today.
Without this program and its "crazy" rules we'd still be lost. After my husband and I completed 6 months at the program we were able to move into your sober living apartments.
We continue to live here with our boys and we couldn't be happier. I spend my days helping other women stay clean and sober and help guide them on how to one day reunite with their children.
We will be forever grateful for your program and I hope my story will help others live a better life. Thank you again.
A TLC graduate"
Click here to email John
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Good Results
A halfway house client spent 10 weeks in a mindfulness class and reports good results.
For years he'd been wrestling with anxiety and depression. Plus he had difficulty sleeping.
Things got so bad that he took medication to calm himself. And so he could sleep.
But now he's sleeping through the night and has much calmer days.
Also, he only takes one medication, that for bi-polar disorder. And he's thinking about quitting that too.
He says mindfulness training gave him the tools to help deal with his thoughts.
His head sometimes still races off into the future. Or mucks around in the past. But now he's able to recognize his thinking and not let it derail him.
Also, he still gets upset. But the outcome is different. When he starts going there his mindfulness practice helps him realize that his thoughts are just thoughts. And that he doesn't have to use drugs or alcohol over them.
Click here to learn more about mindfulness meditation. The website has free mp3 meditation downloads.
For years he'd been wrestling with anxiety and depression. Plus he had difficulty sleeping.
Things got so bad that he took medication to calm himself. And so he could sleep.
But now he's sleeping through the night and has much calmer days.
Also, he only takes one medication, that for bi-polar disorder. And he's thinking about quitting that too.
He says mindfulness training gave him the tools to help deal with his thoughts.
His head sometimes still races off into the future. Or mucks around in the past. But now he's able to recognize his thinking and not let it derail him.
Also, he still gets upset. But the outcome is different. When he starts going there his mindfulness practice helps him realize that his thoughts are just thoughts. And that he doesn't have to use drugs or alcohol over them.
Click here to learn more about mindfulness meditation. The website has free mp3 meditation downloads.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Blessed Children
I was at a birthday party yesterday for a young child whose parents entered recovery before he was born.
Also at the gathering were several other children with parents in recovery. None had seen their parents use drugs or alcohol.
I reflected upon how blessed these children were. Had they been born while their parents were using they'd have had a different life.
They might not have know when, or if, mom - or dad - was coming home. And if they did return, what condition they'd be in.
These children have never seen drug dealers show up the door. They haven't found drug paraphernalia or empty beer cans around the house. The police haven't showed up with warrants. They have the security of two parents who are working and providing them with a secure life.
One of the blessings of being in the recovery field is to witness events like this. And to see what happens when addicts enter the mainstream of the community.
Also at the gathering were several other children with parents in recovery. None had seen their parents use drugs or alcohol.
I reflected upon how blessed these children were. Had they been born while their parents were using they'd have had a different life.
They might not have know when, or if, mom - or dad - was coming home. And if they did return, what condition they'd be in.
These children have never seen drug dealers show up the door. They haven't found drug paraphernalia or empty beer cans around the house. The police haven't showed up with warrants. They have the security of two parents who are working and providing them with a secure life.
One of the blessings of being in the recovery field is to witness events like this. And to see what happens when addicts enter the mainstream of the community.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Communication Issues
A mother talks about an abusive adult daughter.
It seems that no matter how hard she tries to get along, communication eventually breaks down.
Then for a while there's a "honeymoon" period. They'll make up. And apologize. They'll spend time together. But eventually, it all unravels.
I suggest to the mother that she draw boundaries. Let the daughter know that she won't tolerate certain things.
After all, we teach others how to treat us. If our communication starts out clearly defined then there won't be as many issues.
The problem with these two, though, is that they have a 20+ year history. It's always been up and down for them. The daughter will be okay for awhile, then her sense of entitlement kicks in. After that things get bumpy.
And it started when the daughter was quite young. She cast herself in a victim role because her father was out of the picture. And she tried to make her mother the scapegoat - a role the mother accepted for a while.
While there's hope for these two, they must redefine their communication. What's in the past should remain in the past. If they still love each other they can make that the basis for a new beginning.
Life's too short to waste it fighting with our loved ones.
It seems that no matter how hard she tries to get along, communication eventually breaks down.
Then for a while there's a "honeymoon" period. They'll make up. And apologize. They'll spend time together. But eventually, it all unravels.
I suggest to the mother that she draw boundaries. Let the daughter know that she won't tolerate certain things.
After all, we teach others how to treat us. If our communication starts out clearly defined then there won't be as many issues.
The problem with these two, though, is that they have a 20+ year history. It's always been up and down for them. The daughter will be okay for awhile, then her sense of entitlement kicks in. After that things get bumpy.
And it started when the daughter was quite young. She cast herself in a victim role because her father was out of the picture. And she tried to make her mother the scapegoat - a role the mother accepted for a while.
While there's hope for these two, they must redefine their communication. What's in the past should remain in the past. If they still love each other they can make that the basis for a new beginning.
Life's too short to waste it fighting with our loved ones.
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