Happiness is...

"Happiness is not having what you want. It is appreciating what you have." Unknown

Many of us believe our lives will be better if we just get what we want. A better job. Nicer house. Better education. Cooler car. More friends. More stuff.

But appreciating what we already have is the key. Unless we're crazy, all of us want the same thing - happiness. And that sounds simple, but it's not that easy.

Because your idea of happiness doesn't necessarily equal mine - they're both equally valid. There's a school of psychology that that posits that we each have a "set point" of happiness. And that other than for brief periods, we pretty much stay at that "set point" regardless of what happens.

One study showed the happiness of those who won the lottery versus those who broke their spine and were paralyzed for life.

After winning the lottery, the winners had a brief bump of happiness, maybe six months. But they eventually returned to their "set point" where they were before winning.

The same with those who became paralyzed. For the first several months they were depressed. But after that most of them returned to their level of pre-accident happiness. As an aside, the paralyzed group actually were happier than the lottery winners a year after the study.

So where does happiness lie? If it isn't money. If it's not the right partner, job, house, or car, then what is it?

As it says in the first sentence I believe it's in appreciating what we have.

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The magic of Pain

Pain is the great motivator.

Many parents write to tell me they've done everything for their addict children. Given them the niceties of life. Cars. Clothing. Tuition. Housing. Some even kick down money when the kid's dope sick. Yet, in spite of the this kindness they can't motivate them to quit using. And they wonder why? Do I have any ideas or advice?

And I tell them they should immediately stop giving them anything. Cut them off. Evict them from the house. Allow to them descend into the pain and misery that comes with drug and alcohol addiction.

"But how are they going to eat? Where will they live? They might overdose. They may go to jail." They have these and many other fears about what will happen if they stop helping their child. And I tell them that bad things will happen anyway, given enough time.

Over and again I've seen this. An addict is dependent upon their family and friends for help. But any help they get somehow prolongs their addiction.  The help must stop.

I saw a recent example when a woman told her sister she'd no longer help her in any way as long as she was using. And she didn't. Not a dime. Not a meal. When she was ready to change, then she might help.

It wasn't long before the sister lost everything, including the subsidized apartment she lived in. She slept in a car for a while. She later moved into a tent in a park with other addicts who were also at the bottom.

Then one day she had enough. She told her sister she wanted help. She entered a treatment program. Found work. Someone gave her a car. Today, less than a year later, she's clean and living a stable life.

All it took was enough misery and pain to motivate her to change. And that came when people stopped helping her.

And she still loves the sister who was tough on her.

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A Parent's Pain

I sometimes hear clients say they're only hurting themselves with their addictions. I've used some email excerpts from the parent of a halfway house client that shows how untrue that is.

"How many ways can you say no, I'm not sending money, you can't come live here, kindly ? It's always a painful conversation. My last one with him was about a month ago.

I told him to stop calling if all he wanted was money & I asked him to please surrender to the process that people such as yourself have gone through. This has been going on for years.

I hoped he would have stayed at your place but I believe he left the Roosevelt house the day after Superbowl Sunday.

I've tried everything in every form - from kindness to the toughest love tactics. Today I don't know if he is homeless, in one of your houses or jail. Or worse dead. He's my only child but I've accepted for the moment any way that God's got him & I have to accept that.

I wish kindness was possible, but unlike cancer or diabetes a lot of addicts don't take the help offered & instead they leave a trail of pain & sorrow as they take everyone down with them. Only they have a way of escaping the pain some of the time.

Kindness, love, conversations, would be a dream I strive to share with him someday."

Maybe someday this woman's son will realize how his addiction devastates those who care about him.

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Try Kindness

At one time I had a great job. I used to run the universe. I was in control. I knew everything. I trusted no one's judgement but my own.

I did such a good job that I left my second year of high school in handcuffs. Between the ages of 16 and 26 I was out of jails and prisons for 17 months. And I was so angry I didn't even care.

Reality was that I couldn't even manage my own life well enough to stay out of trouble. I kept losing things over and over. Businesses, relationships - eventually I pissed them all away.

Drugs and alcohol were my answer. I made money with drugs, while at the same time numbing my feelings.

Many people were kind. Teachers, counselors, family, friends. They knew I was troubled and wanted to help me. Not only when I was very young - but all through my life. It was only when I found recovery did I understand their kindness. And start taking advantage of it.

When people were kind and tried to help me before I got sober I used to think they should mind their own business. I didn't trust them and their motives. I thought they didn't know how to have fun.

Today I depend upon the kindness of others. There are so many people who support what we do at TLC. Not only those who've been with us ten to twenty years, but also newcomers.

One thing I've discovered since being sober is that most people want to do the right thing. Even if they don't know what the right thing is. I think most people want to do the right thing because they want to belong and be accepted. And for me there's nothing wrong with that.  We all need to be part of a tribe.

I welcome kindness from others and I give it back. And It's been working for me 25 plus years.

Try it.

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Something to Give

"A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers."  Chinese Proverb

Giving to others, helping others, leaves a trace of good feeling within us. Especially when we do it without an expectation of something in return.

Often I encourage our clients to help each other. Especially the ones who are newly arrived.

And the answer is sometimes, "But I have nothing to give. I don't even have a job yet. I barely have a change of clothes."

But I explain that what they have to give, the important thing, is their time.

When a newcomer arrives on the property they don't know what to expect. They might have just come from the streets. Or jail. They're maybe still a bit dope-sick. But that's the person who needs your encouragement. Your time.

You don't have to say much. Just be there. Tell him or her that it gets better. Tell them about the bus schedule. Job opportunities. Tell them how you got to the program. And what's keeping you from leaving.

You never know when your words will give them the strength to stay. In fact what you tell them may keep them from going back out and putting a needle in their arm.

That little bit of time you spend may save a life.  And you thought your had nothing to give.

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Plant a Tree

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” – Chinese proverb

Sometimes we let our past control our present. But who we used to be needn't define who we are today.

Often I'm around the TLC houses and hear clients telling "war stories" of past escapades. Ones that usually got them into some kind of a mess.

The saying at the top of the page says many things. How maybe we could have chosen a different path when we were younger. Maybe gone to school or work. Rather than going down the road of addiction and the crime that usually goes along with it.

But the most important thing it says is that now is the time that counts. Now is the time that we can do something meaningful. That we should seize this moment.

No matter how much time we spend regretting the decisions we made or the paths we took, today is what we have left to work with.

And the decisions we make today may affect the next 20 years of our lives.

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Having a Purpose

Sometimes a client says something that sticks with me.

One that stayed with me was when a man in group said he'd never been happier in his life. And it showed. He had a glow about him. A smile on his face. Everything that came out of his mouth was positive.

And it wasn't until later - in the middle of the night - that his statement soaked into my brain. Because from the outside he was a middle-aged man who'd spent much of his life in prison - and he had the old faded tattoos to show for it. He'd spent some years on the streets, living homeless. He owned nothing but his hand-me-down clothing and a few toiletries. He'd lost track of his family years earlier. He lived in one of our halfway houses with an entry level job.  Yet he was happy and acted like it.

The next time I saw him in group I asked about his statement. And to what he attributed his happiness.

And he said "for the first time I feel as if I have a reason for living. Helping others gives me a purpose. I'm around those who are pretty much like me. They had no friends or family when they came here. Their futures looked bleak. I'm starting to feel like part of a community."

And looking at it through his eyes, I understood. Happiness for him is about the basics. It's about belonging.

And that's what this man - like many others - had found at TLC.

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