"Emotions are temporary states of mind. Don't let them permanently destroy you." Unknown
Many of us addicts take actions based on our emotions. Sometimes these actions can radically change our lives, many times permanently.
At TLC we deal with many clients who make decisions based on emotions. They may become angry because all of a sudden they have to become responsible and pay their service fees. And many of them never had a job in their lives so their idea of giving us part of their paycheck is totally alien to them. Instead of wanting to pay, they become angry and decide to leave.
Clients often are emotionally upset because of their present circumstances. Here they are in their mid-20s or 30s, and still living in a halfway house trying to get their lives together. The important people in their lives have cut them loose because they can no longer deal with their addictions. No one can really blame them for being in an emotional state. But it's when they act on these emotions that they get in trouble.
Many go to the dope house. Or else leave, violate parole, and go back to prison. An impermanent emotional state has derailed their lives. Had they waited five minutes, the emotional fires may have subsided and they'd have made a different decision.
One solution to these emotional states can be found in mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts in a certain way. When we are meditating we find thoughts popping up, seemingly from nowhere. When we see these thoughts what do we do? All we do is observe them without judgment and let them pass, like leaves on a stream. They may pop up again. And we do same things with them: observe them without judgment and let them pass.
If we start practicing mindfulness for 10 or 15 minutes a day we'll find that our emotions become much more manageable. Because we take what we learn from our regular practice of meditation with us throughout the day. When we see crazy thoughts popping up in our head we become adept at simply observing them and recognizing them for what they are: just more stuff bubbling up from our subconscious, seemingly without rhyme or reason.
Our emotions are impermanent. But decisions based upon them can have lasting consequences.
Click here to email John
Monday, July 31, 2017
Friday, July 28, 2017
Responsibility
While walking into a drugstore the other day, I run into an old acquaintance that I hadn't seen in some time. He was slouched on a bench outside the store, apparently bumming money off passersby. He looked like he hadn't bathed or changed clothes in a few days. So I assumed he was probably homeless and using something.
I asked how he was doing – though it was pretty obvious – and he told me that he'd relapsed five years earlier. He said that eventually he turned to crime to support his habit and finally ended up in prison for a few years. It was a long story and I didn't have time to listen to all of it. But I did offer to help him get into recovery and when he declined my help I gave him $20 and moved on.
But one consistent theme that ran through his story is that everything that happened to him was someone else's fault. He started using because the doctor gave him opiates for a back injury. His wife kicked him out because he was using drugs. He went to prison because he had to steal to support his habit. Nowhere in his story did he accept responsibility for his behavior. Nothing was his fault.
And his story reminded me that the big divide between those of us in recovery and those who are not is that one word: responsibility. A responsible person would have told the doctor that he was an addict and couldn't use opiates. A responsible person, once he became addicted, would have gone to a detox. Then he wouldn't have had to steal to support a habit and he wouldn't have gone to prison.
This story reminded me that until I accepted responsibility for my behavior I always had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Only when I surrendered to the idea that I was an alcoholic and addict was I able to change. That's when I went into a detoxification unit.
Today I work in the field of recovery, something I've done for more than 26 years. And because of this long experience, I find it easy to recognize those who are going to make it.
As soon as an addict crosses into the land of responsibility and quits lying to themselves about how they got into trouble I know they have a chance of making it. And they use every resource at their disposal to become responsible. They get a sponsor. They go to meetings. They quit blaming their bad behavior on their parents or family members. They accept that their situation in life - whatever it is - is nobody's fault but their own.
For an addict to become responsible for their life right now, they must be willing to forget whatever terrible things happened to them in the past. Only then can they enjoy the freedom and beauty of recovery.
I asked how he was doing – though it was pretty obvious – and he told me that he'd relapsed five years earlier. He said that eventually he turned to crime to support his habit and finally ended up in prison for a few years. It was a long story and I didn't have time to listen to all of it. But I did offer to help him get into recovery and when he declined my help I gave him $20 and moved on.
But one consistent theme that ran through his story is that everything that happened to him was someone else's fault. He started using because the doctor gave him opiates for a back injury. His wife kicked him out because he was using drugs. He went to prison because he had to steal to support his habit. Nowhere in his story did he accept responsibility for his behavior. Nothing was his fault.
And his story reminded me that the big divide between those of us in recovery and those who are not is that one word: responsibility. A responsible person would have told the doctor that he was an addict and couldn't use opiates. A responsible person, once he became addicted, would have gone to a detox. Then he wouldn't have had to steal to support a habit and he wouldn't have gone to prison.
This story reminded me that until I accepted responsibility for my behavior I always had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Only when I surrendered to the idea that I was an alcoholic and addict was I able to change. That's when I went into a detoxification unit.
Today I work in the field of recovery, something I've done for more than 26 years. And because of this long experience, I find it easy to recognize those who are going to make it.
As soon as an addict crosses into the land of responsibility and quits lying to themselves about how they got into trouble I know they have a chance of making it. And they use every resource at their disposal to become responsible. They get a sponsor. They go to meetings. They quit blaming their bad behavior on their parents or family members. They accept that their situation in life - whatever it is - is nobody's fault but their own.
For an addict to become responsible for their life right now, they must be willing to forget whatever terrible things happened to them in the past. Only then can they enjoy the freedom and beauty of recovery.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Dealing with Disrespect
The mother of an addict calls me, with a question about how to deal with her adult daughter. Once again, the daughter is asking more of her than she is willing to give. What should she do?
The daughter, who's been addicted to some kind of a substance for much of her adult life, is very demanding. When she's in a tight spot financially she expects her mother to help her. When she's angry, she curses at her mother and treats her disrespectfully. All their lives it's been a one-way relationship: the mother giving and the daughter taking. In photographs of them taken when the daughter was quite young, the daughter always appears to be well-dressed in new clothes. While the mother is wearing second-hand clothing or hand-me-downs.
One of the issues between these two is that the daughter plays on the mother's guilt – or the guilt she had at one time. The mother, who never used drugs or alcohol, married a drug addict who's spending the rest of his life in prison. When the daughter was young her mother wished she was able to provide for her better than she could as a single mother, something the daughter sensed. From early on she placed blame for their circumstances on her mother, rather than the drug addict father who never took care of them. She played on her mother's unconscious guilt for years until the mother was no longer willing to take it.
I give the mother the same advice that I've given over the years. Whenever she's asked me how to respond to her abusive daughter I've always given her the same advice: don't do anything for her until she learns how to treat you with respect. There are no good reasons to allow anyone to treat us with disrespect. Especially, when all we've done is give to them.
This kind of dynamic could play out between these two for the rest of their lives – but only if the mother allows it.
Click here to email John
The daughter, who's been addicted to some kind of a substance for much of her adult life, is very demanding. When she's in a tight spot financially she expects her mother to help her. When she's angry, she curses at her mother and treats her disrespectfully. All their lives it's been a one-way relationship: the mother giving and the daughter taking. In photographs of them taken when the daughter was quite young, the daughter always appears to be well-dressed in new clothes. While the mother is wearing second-hand clothing or hand-me-downs.
One of the issues between these two is that the daughter plays on the mother's guilt – or the guilt she had at one time. The mother, who never used drugs or alcohol, married a drug addict who's spending the rest of his life in prison. When the daughter was young her mother wished she was able to provide for her better than she could as a single mother, something the daughter sensed. From early on she placed blame for their circumstances on her mother, rather than the drug addict father who never took care of them. She played on her mother's unconscious guilt for years until the mother was no longer willing to take it.
I give the mother the same advice that I've given over the years. Whenever she's asked me how to respond to her abusive daughter I've always given her the same advice: don't do anything for her until she learns how to treat you with respect. There are no good reasons to allow anyone to treat us with disrespect. Especially, when all we've done is give to them.
This kind of dynamic could play out between these two for the rest of their lives – but only if the mother allows it.
Click here to email John
Saturday, July 22, 2017
The Promises
My teenage granddaughter, who graduated from high school a few months ago, called this weekend to tell me that she was going to into the Air Force in about two weeks.
She'd been talking about entering the service for a few years. Now, all of a sudden, it's becoming very real. She's really going to do it.
We make small talk for a while and plan to get together next week for lunch. I want to see her one more time before she goes off to Texas for basic training.
I bring this up because this is one of the benefits of sobriety. When I got sober going on 27 years ago, this girl wasn't even born. She's never seen me high. She's never seen me drunk. All she knows is the grandfather who's always worked hard in his business and lived a sober life.
When I first got sober in 1991 I never looked very far ahead. Maybe three or four years at most. I did my best to live my life in the moment. I went to meetings. Stayed sober. I applied the twelve-step principles to my life.
Now, years later, I look at the many blessings that have been given to me because I stay sober and clean. Had I not got sober in 1991, I know I would not be alive today. I would not be able to visit my children and grandchildren and spend summer and Christmas vacations with them. I have been blessed over and over again, and it all started when I made the decision to go into a detoxification unit.
And I use this experience to try to encourage newcomers. I suggest to them that they be patient. That eventually their family will come back to them. They'll be able to find a job. Maybe go to school. Perhaps raise a family. Maybe never have to be arrested or go to jail again.
The Big Book tells us in the Promises that we will know "a new freedom and a new happiness." I'm pleased to say that the promises have come true for me.
Click here to email John
She'd been talking about entering the service for a few years. Now, all of a sudden, it's becoming very real. She's really going to do it.
We make small talk for a while and plan to get together next week for lunch. I want to see her one more time before she goes off to Texas for basic training.
I bring this up because this is one of the benefits of sobriety. When I got sober going on 27 years ago, this girl wasn't even born. She's never seen me high. She's never seen me drunk. All she knows is the grandfather who's always worked hard in his business and lived a sober life.
When I first got sober in 1991 I never looked very far ahead. Maybe three or four years at most. I did my best to live my life in the moment. I went to meetings. Stayed sober. I applied the twelve-step principles to my life.
Now, years later, I look at the many blessings that have been given to me because I stay sober and clean. Had I not got sober in 1991, I know I would not be alive today. I would not be able to visit my children and grandchildren and spend summer and Christmas vacations with them. I have been blessed over and over again, and it all started when I made the decision to go into a detoxification unit.
And I use this experience to try to encourage newcomers. I suggest to them that they be patient. That eventually their family will come back to them. They'll be able to find a job. Maybe go to school. Perhaps raise a family. Maybe never have to be arrested or go to jail again.
The Big Book tells us in the Promises that we will know "a new freedom and a new happiness." I'm pleased to say that the promises have come true for me.
Click here to email John
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
R.I.P. Todd
A staff member sent me an obituary of a man who was in our program less than a month ago. He'd been with us for two years. He had a job. He lived in one of our sober living houses, doing quite well.
But about a month ago we got a message that he was in his room at the sober living house, drunk and disorderly. A staff member asked him to leave or to go to detox - telling him he could come back later when he was sober.
But he refused to leave. In fact, we had to call the police to remove him from the premises.
Normally we don't let people who drink on the property and refuse to leave, to come back into the program. Especially when we have to get the police involved.
But because he'd been a good resident prior to his relapse, his manager brought him to my office. The man was quite pleasant and convinced me that if allowed to stay he would make every effort to be an exemplary resident. That I shouldn't judge him on just that one relapse. And he was so pleasant and convincing that I told him he could return – but that this was his last chance. He left my office, saying he was going to get some things from his home and then return.
That's the last I heard of him until a staff member sent me an obituary that was published by the mortuary.
In his photo, he looks like someone's next-door neighbor. He's wearing a suit and tie and has a big smile, appearing to be the picture of success. The obituary goes on to describe that he was a father, that he graduated from a major university, that he loved motorcycle rides, Golden Retrievers, and ice cream.
So what happened after two years of sobriety that made him pick up a bottle? And what made him never return again, even after we gave him permission to come back? No one really knows the answers.
All we really know is that alcohol took another alcoholic's life at the age of 55. But his untimely death demonstrates that as sober people we can never let our guard down.
We send our sympathies to his family and wish him Godspeed.
But about a month ago we got a message that he was in his room at the sober living house, drunk and disorderly. A staff member asked him to leave or to go to detox - telling him he could come back later when he was sober.
But he refused to leave. In fact, we had to call the police to remove him from the premises.
Normally we don't let people who drink on the property and refuse to leave, to come back into the program. Especially when we have to get the police involved.
But because he'd been a good resident prior to his relapse, his manager brought him to my office. The man was quite pleasant and convinced me that if allowed to stay he would make every effort to be an exemplary resident. That I shouldn't judge him on just that one relapse. And he was so pleasant and convincing that I told him he could return – but that this was his last chance. He left my office, saying he was going to get some things from his home and then return.
That's the last I heard of him until a staff member sent me an obituary that was published by the mortuary.
In his photo, he looks like someone's next-door neighbor. He's wearing a suit and tie and has a big smile, appearing to be the picture of success. The obituary goes on to describe that he was a father, that he graduated from a major university, that he loved motorcycle rides, Golden Retrievers, and ice cream.
So what happened after two years of sobriety that made him pick up a bottle? And what made him never return again, even after we gave him permission to come back? No one really knows the answers.
All we really know is that alcohol took another alcoholic's life at the age of 55. But his untimely death demonstrates that as sober people we can never let our guard down.
We send our sympathies to his family and wish him Godspeed.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
A new Addiction
Often the addicts coming into our program have poor self-esteem. And they're also depressed about their prospects for the future.
Many spent their late teens and early twenties out of school - and without jobs. Maybe they've even done time in jail or prison. Their anxiety about the future is understandable. Without at least a basic education or job skills their feelings are warranted. And a criminal record makes things worse.
Yet there are those who find their way back to school or into the job market. TLC has many graduates who found jobs while with us ten or more years ago and are still with the same companies today. Several of our graduates own successful small businesses or have gone on to careers in highly technical professions.
I mention this because I read about a recovering heroin addict who's done remarkable things with his life. He ended up in jail and had many of the other bad experiences that heroin addicts go through.
Yet today he's the head of a 15 million dollar company that he started after he got clean. For those of you in new recovery click here to see what one addict has done with his life.
His inspiring story gives anyone a reason for hope.
Click here to email John
Many spent their late teens and early twenties out of school - and without jobs. Maybe they've even done time in jail or prison. Their anxiety about the future is understandable. Without at least a basic education or job skills their feelings are warranted. And a criminal record makes things worse.
Yet there are those who find their way back to school or into the job market. TLC has many graduates who found jobs while with us ten or more years ago and are still with the same companies today. Several of our graduates own successful small businesses or have gone on to careers in highly technical professions.
I mention this because I read about a recovering heroin addict who's done remarkable things with his life. He ended up in jail and had many of the other bad experiences that heroin addicts go through.
Yet today he's the head of a 15 million dollar company that he started after he got clean. For those of you in new recovery click here to see what one addict has done with his life.
His inspiring story gives anyone a reason for hope.
Click here to email John
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Upside of Stress
I just finished a book that I'd recommend for any addict or alcoholic.
The title is "The Upside of Stress," written by Kelly McGonigal.
She's a psychologist and university professor, who for many years, taught that stress was a bad thing. Something that we should avoid. But her thinking eventually changed after she saw some research describing how stress can also have a positive effect on us. That it's not as terrible as we might think.
In many cases, she demonstrates that stress improves our performance, especially if we embrace it and learn to use it to our benefit. She teaches us how to become good at it.
The title is "The Upside of Stress," written by Kelly McGonigal.
She's a psychologist and university professor, who for many years, taught that stress was a bad thing. Something that we should avoid. But her thinking eventually changed after she saw some research describing how stress can also have a positive effect on us. That it's not as terrible as we might think.
And while I can't put all the details in the short space of a blog, the idea that stress might be good for us makes sense from an evolutionary point of view.
After all, hundreds of thousands of years ago, when we were still living on the prairies and in the jungles, it was stress that kept us alive. And the stress was generated by the reality that we might be by eaten by an animal if weren't constantly on point and having an anxious awareness of the world around us.
The author describes how stress helps us perform better in certain situations, that it's something that we don't need to hide from. She cites studies that show that those who believe that stress is bad for them die earlier and suffer a lot more negative effects from stress than people who have a positive attitude toward it.
After all, hundreds of thousands of years ago, when we were still living on the prairies and in the jungles, it was stress that kept us alive. And the stress was generated by the reality that we might be by eaten by an animal if weren't constantly on point and having an anxious awareness of the world around us.
The author describes how stress helps us perform better in certain situations, that it's something that we don't need to hide from. She cites studies that show that those who believe that stress is bad for them die earlier and suffer a lot more negative effects from stress than people who have a positive attitude toward it.
In many cases, she demonstrates that stress improves our performance, especially if we embrace it and learn to use it to our benefit. She teaches us how to become good at it.
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