Gratitude Heals

I was talking to a recovering client today who told me that she always went back to using drugs or alcohol because she was depressed.

I asked her to tell me about her depression. Had she been suffering from it for a long time? Was there ever a time when she was happy and positive? In her memory, what was the happiest period of her life?

She said that there had been periods when she was happy. But then the happiness seemed to become normal and ordinary and then her depression would creep back.  And she would be off to the liquor store or dope house.

I decided to offer her some suggestions about how to have conversations with herself that would put her life into a more positive trajectory.

Many times people grow up with unrealistic expectations about how life should be. We go to school, get good grades, graduate and expect to land a dream job. But for many people, that scenario doesn't play out.

Instead, they find that it's a tough, competitive job market out there.  And that they're just another face filling out applications. In fact, I often read about college graduates in their thirties still living with their parents because they haven't found a career opportunity in spite of having graduated in the top half of their class.

In this woman's case, she'd been divorced once, was raising a child by herself, and had been successful as a professional person who made a good salary. For a period of time, she had a nice home and car but eventually, drugs and alcohol caused her to lose everything. Plus the state had taken custody of her child until she could prove that she could live a sober life. Which is why she was with us.

I gave her this prescription which I found has helped me and some of our clients to get over bouts of depression. And no, it's not a pill. However, it does require a minimal amount of work. And it goes like this: every morning when you wake up write down five things that you are grateful for.

You might think as you read this that you're not grateful for anything. And that may be true. In fact, the woman who is the subject of this blog asked me what she had to be grateful for. Here she is trapped in this recovery program. She doesn't have her child with her. Her family is angry at her. She doesn't have a car. She's in a minimum wage job at a fast-food restaurant. She's back at the bottom again.

So I asked her to reframe her thinking and stop looking at what she didn't have. Instead, perhaps she should focus on what she did have. And by the look on her face, I could see that I hadn't really reached her. So I continued, asking her why she couldn't see the positive side of her situation right now.

First of all, she is in a safe place where she can focus on her recovery and her psychological issues. Her child is in safe hands. She has a chance to regain custody of her child when she graduates from our program and finds a job and a place to live. She has her freedom, which many addicts have lost because of the crimes they committed while they were using. She is still relatively young and healthy. Her parents are beginning to talk to her again because they see that she's trying to help herself. She's making a few sober friends.

I asked her to start writing a gratitude list every morning for a week, then come back to me with what she had written. She halfheartedly agreed to do it and I told her I was looking forward to see what she came up with.

Many times in life we addicts have a lot of false expectations about how life should be. And therein lies the problem. Because life, if we live it on a daily basis, is an up and down proposition. Everyone on the planet has good days and bad days - some more than others. But if we can develop the perspective that this is just the way life is then we develop resilience and can bounce back much faster when we fall into moments of depression. Any time I start falling into depression I look around me and find someone who's life is a much bigger mess than mine or who is much less fortunate than I. And when I do that I immediately get back on track.

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Tough Love

A woman sent me an email the other day about her father, a man in his seventies, who had relapsed and started using drugs again.

She wrote that she and her husband had given him an ultimatum: that they would no longer communicate with him or be in his life until he sought help.

By the tone of her email I could tell that she was quite distressed by having to take that position with her father, who isn't in the best of health.

But in my opinion, that's the most loving thing she could have done for her father – to try to help him salvage the remaining years of his life and live them in health and sobriety. I've never met this lady and admire her courage, because somewhere along the way she has learned tough love and has put it into action. Even though he hasn't asked her for money or for financial help, she doesn't want to socialize with him while he's under the influence of whatever poison is putting in his body.

She's a rare species. Because most family members I deal with are seeking some kind of magic potion that will instantly cure their loved ones without having to do anything painful to them. 

But this woman apparently understands that we addicts will use anyone we can to get whatever we want as long as we are in the middle of our disease. We will lie to our children, our wives, our parents, anyone we can take advantage of. We will steal from our employers, strangers, or anyone else who leaves themselves vulnerable to us. We will risk our health, our freedom or sanity for that temporary rush of euphoria that our drug of choice brings us.

And the best way to help someone who is caught up in addiction is exactly what this woman did. She and her husband got together and presented a united front by taking a position with someone dear to them. Because they realize that the father has the choice. 

And the choice is his family or the poison that he's putting into his body.

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Finding What Works

Sometimes we have residents who come to TLC's halfway houses more than once. But if they're not committed to recovery they often relapse and leave. I sometimes run into these clients months later and ask them what happened.

And usually, they'll say something like "Oh, the program just didn't work for me."

But when I try to explore it with them and ask them to get more specific the answers I get are usually pretty vague. They might talk about the fact that everyone there was an addict. And there were no professional counselors. They might say they didn't like to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to work. They might say something about they didn't like the living conditions. Or, they will bring up some incident that happened between them and one of the managers where they felt they were being disrespected. The answers I get cover the entire spectrum of excuses anyone can come up with.

However, the reality is that most any recovery environment will work if we're willing to put in the effort to do the program. There are literally hundreds of recovery programs in Arizona, particularly in the metropolitan areas. And if a person is serious about changing their life they could do it at any one of these. Some are religious in nature, some are work programs, some are live-in treatment programs, some are mom-and-pop operations and others are parts of nationwide corporations. My point is that there are a lot of choices.

While my preference is that they come to TLC, if they have a problem with us I can help them find somewhere else they might find more suitable

The real thing is to get sober and clean - no matter how or where we do it.

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Remembering Bill W.

Back in 1992, when TLC first opened on Robson Street in Mesa, we had a resident named Bill W. He arrived during the first few months we were open and passed away suddenly about 17 years later.

I was reminded of his death yesterday when his sister Jane wrote to thank us for all the help we gave him during the time he was with us.

Like many of our residents, Bill had done time in state prison on more than one occasion and was a serious substance abuser. He had a few psychological problems, which required that he take heavy medications to control his behavior. I'm not sure if he was schizoaffective or bipolar, but as my memory serves me he was one or the other. His medication worked most of the time but periodically he would have to see his psychiatrist and the prescription that he was on would be adjusted.

I never realized how serious his mental issues were until during January of one year he called to make an appointment with his psychiatrist. He had been going through a period of depression that was almost visible, kind of like he had a black cloud above his head. However, he was unable to get an appointment until the following June, nearly 6 months away. We didn't know what to do because his depression sometimes left him in tears and unable to focus. However, within about two hours the psychiatrist called back and said that in his case they could see him that same day. That's when we realized the extent of his illness.

Bill was quiet, had a sense of humor, and was a volunteer for us all of the time he was at TLC, from 1992 when he arrived until his death 11 years ago. He was a bright guy, who taught himself how to network computers and managed the office for us for the entire time he stayed with us.

We still miss him. May he rest in peace.

Click here to email John schwary@msn.com

My child's an Addict

When a mother carries her newborn baby from the hospital she's full of love and wants to nurture the baby. She showers him or her with unlimited loving care. She nurses the child. She makes sure the diapers are changed. She made sure the child is fed. She is a protective shield around that baby. And she is full of plans for the child's future.

Never in her wildest dreams would she have believed that her child might turn in to a monster. To a drug addict. To a liar. To a convict. Or to just a common thief who goes out every day and hustles money for drugs and alcohol.

And perhaps one of the most difficult parts of my position here at TLC is talking to women who still trust their children after the child has stolen from them. Lied to them. Disappeared for weeks, leaving them to wonder if they're dead or alive. The misery drug addicts impose upon their parents – particularly their mothers – is incredible.

And this belief and faith in the child can go on for years unless there's some kind of intervention. Once in awhile the intervention comes from a professional who's employed to intervene in the child's addiction.

But more often the intervention comes from life itself. The child is arrested. Maybe goes to jail. Perhaps is kicked out of school. Or maybe just becomes homeless and broke because the parents can no longer afford to have the child in their house. Maybe they're afraid that the kid will keep stealing and sponging off of them while he or she uses drugs in their room and doesn't go to school or work.

When I speak to these mothers on the phone I emphasize that things have to get painful enough before a child will change and seek help for his or her addiction.

If the child is of age, there's no reason why he or she should be mooching off of mom and dad. If they're addicted to drugs they need to figure out how to get the drugs. If they don't have a job that provides enough money for them to pay for their drugs, then maybe they have to learn to steal or sell drugs in order to pay for their habit. And this is where the pain usually comes in. Because most youngsters who haven't been raised by parents or family members who use drugs themselves, entering into the world of drugs or crime can be a very educational experience. And, did I mention, painful?

But this is the point where change usually sets in. Because living on the streets is painful. Going to jail is painful. To panhandle on street corners is painful. That's why I tell parents that I believe pain is one of the most wonderful instruments of change on the planet. Sooner or later the pleasure of being high is far outweighed by the pain it takes to get enough drugs to keep us feeling as wonderful as we want to.

We all have a choice: the pain of addiction or the pleasure of walking the path of recovery.

Click here to email Johnschwary@msn.com

Birthday Tradition

A tradition at the TLC corporate office is to celebrate sobriety anniversaries.

Of course the "tradition" is supposed to be sort of a surprise where the person celebrating an anniversary is invited to come to the corporate office for a meeting. But usually everyone knows what's going on. So it's really not a surprise at all.  But we try to act surprised anyway.

This tradition has been going on for as long as I can remember. And it serves a wonderful purpose. Because it helps to those who are new to the program give recognition to those who have stayed sober and clean for a period of time: usually for a year or more.

Although the anniversary of my 29 years of sobriety was the 14th of this month, we celebrated the occasion today – at the end of the work week. Another fellow also celebrated his birthday at the same time. So I believe – for the sake of saving time – we now celebrate everyone's birthday on Friday of each week.

Another reason we select Fridays is that is when managers usually come to the office to turn in paperwork and pick up their change banks. So usually there are at least a dozen people in attendance.

While sobriety is its own reward for most of us, it is still nice to have a small crowd of sober people seeing us receive a sobriety chip. And also to enjoy a slice of the cake that comes with each celebration.

Once the candles are blown out each celebrant gives a brief talk about how he or she stays sober and how the program has benefited them.  Then, one day at a time, we began working on our next year.

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Number 29

29 years ago I drove into the parking lot of a local detox in a stolen car.  I'd made the decision to change.  To quit drinking.  To stop stealing anything I could lay my hands so I could buy more heroin.  At 51, I'd essentially decided to live - rather than die in prison, on the streets or in a mental institution.

However, to my dismay, I was told that I couldn't get into the detox because I'd arrived in a stolen car.  For some reason, they asked how I'd gotten to the facility and I told them I found a car with the motor running outside of a convenience store and "borrowed" it to get to the facility.  They told me to move it from their parking lot to the street.  When I walked back in they told me I needed to return the car to where I'd stolen it.

As I left, they said that if I decided to come back that I could call them and they'd come to pick me up with a van they used to transport those who needed a ride to detox.

I was so resentful when I left that I got high for another week before I called them again.  I figured God didn't want me sober, so I kept doing what I was doing.  But eventually, I  surrendered and called the following week and sure enough, they sent a van to the sleazy motel where I was staying.  And that was the beginning of my sobriety 29 years ago.

It was the best decision I've ever made.  After 11 days of detoxification, I went to a local halfway house where I lived for a year, doing volunteer work for them the last nine months of my stay there.

Once I left I started a small halfway house. I worked an outside job for the first six months then quit my outside job.  At that point, the halfway house had become self-supporting.  It has grown from five beds in January of 1992 to 800 beds and six different businesses today. More than half a million addicts have passed through our doors since 1992.

And during all those years I've been blessed with the promises we're given when we enter the 12-step programs.

Click here to email John