13th Stepping

In my 31 years of being sober I never heard of a mother telling her daughter to go to the local AA meeting to see if she could find a good man. Yet, we often hear of people developing relationships with people at meetings.

Of course, biology being what it is, it's not surprising that people in meetings end up in relationships. Some of them begin living together. Others get married and even have children.  And often times we play the tape to the end and hear about them getting divorced. I'm one who met a woman in a 12-step meeting, and was friends with her for 10 years before we got married. The marriage lasted about 10 years before we split up. Some of my more cynical friends congratulated me for lasting that long.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that people get into relationships with people they meet in the rooms. Or for that matter, even getting married. After all, most of the statistics that I've heard are that the average marriage ends up in divorce 50% of the time. I'm not sure what mysterious person keeps track of these kinds of things, but I doubt that alcoholics and addicts do neither better nor worse than the average person when it comes to relationships

I bring this up today because I heard a newcomer in a meeting this weekend talking about how he had ended up at the meeting. He said that he had met a woman at a park – who was not an alcoholic – who suggested that a nice fellow like him should do something about his drinking problem. So he decided to go to our meeting and now claims to have been sober for two weeks. Maybe this woman is grooming him for the future and has plans for him.

But I believe that people shouldn't get into relationships for at least the first year they're sober. After all we begin to go to 12-step meetings because our lives are unmanageable and many of us are even homeless. I think a person should start going to meetings because they have a problem with alcohol or drugs – not a problem with relationships. The strong emotions that often go with relationship are the same emotions that can make us want to pick up a bottle or a drug.

I think that the strong emotions that go with relationships are the same emotions that can make us vulnerable to relapse.

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