Self-Will

"The quality of obstinately doing what one wants in spite of the wishes or orders of others."  Definition  of self-will found in Oxford Dictionary.

This morning at a 12-Step meeting the topic of self-will came up.  It's a term we hear quite frequently at 12-Step meetings because it is one of the primary character defects that we substance-abusers deal with during our runs of addiction.  And, often self-wIll is the trigger that sets us off.  So, it was especially important to the newcomer who brought the topic up for this morning's discussion.  He was looking for a solution to his own issues with self-will.

Most of the times I've run into  self-will issues is when dealing with an authority figure.  When a teenager, of course  it was back in the  50's in conflicts with parents who didn't want me using alcohol.  And, later it was that they didn't want me to use the range of other drugs that I used such as marijuana, pills, opiates and other serious drugs.

But my strong self-will allowed me to drive right over what they wanted and use whatever I liked and hope they didn't catch me.  Besides, I thought they were being hypocrites because they drank almost daily, even though they didn't get into the kind of problems I did when I drank.  They were more or less what today is called "social drinkers." Though by today's definitions they would be considered alcoholics, being that they consumed three to five drinks a day.  But that's a story for another time.

Circling back to self-will, I believe that it is closely tied to my ego.  And nothing more.  I, for a long time,  thought I knew everything, that I was always right no matter what the argument.  But one day, during my older years, I began to realize that most of the things I felt strongly about really didn't mean a hill of beans.  

Who cared who was wrong or right?  Life teaches us strong lessons.  And if I make a wrong money decision, I'll quickly learn about it because I'll either profit or go broke.  If I pick the wrong mate I'll learn about that also, sometimes very soon.

But if people are telling me I use too much dope or alcohol and I go with my self-will I'll also soon learn about it because I'll pay a heavy price.  I'll either end up in jail, a mental hospital, or be paying a divorce attorney.  Many people tried to give me good advice about my lifestyle and chemical intake. But, because I was a know-it-all, I followed the path of self-will.

Now the good thing about self-will is that if  we're wrong we learn about it fairly soon.  I've always said that education is expensive, no matter where we get it.  We can  get it in college at some expense.  Or we can get it in jail after we break the law.  Either way, we pay for what  we learn.

Today, when I get into self-will I either speak to my sponsor.  Or I find someone who has more experience than I do.  Whatever choice I make, I try to keep my ego and self-will out of the equation.  

Life somehow works better that way.

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