Sticking to It

I often talk to clients who are down on themselves because they haven't done much with their lives.

Drugs and alcohol took over. And here they are in their twenties, thirties and beyond with little to show.

No assets. No car. No job skills. Maybe no friends. The future looks scary.

Sometimes they mention family and others their age who are doing well. They may be finishing school. Or running a business. It can be depressing.

But my counsel is that it doesn't have to stay that way. If one is willing to put in the work. I know, because I was there in my first year of recovery.

I was 51 years old. Riding a bicycle. Taking busses. Walking. Doing day labor in the Arizona summer.

Sometimes I'd put a five gallon bucket of water on the back of my bike and ride down main street washing windows for a few dollars. Whatever it took to pay my rent at the halfway house.

I worked hard to stay sober and rebuild my life. And that was the key: determination and perseverance.

Within a year I bought three ratty houses on the same lot with no money down. I started my own halfway house program - while working a full-time job.

I painted and cleaned those houses until they were okay for people to live in. Soon they were full and I found some more.

Within a year we were so busy that I had to quit my full time job. I worked at the halfway house for two years without a paycheck, just room and board. But I kept on, magically leasing and buying more property.

Addicts came to us for help, wanting to get sober. And wanting to give back. Together we built a community that today numbers over 300 people. A group that's trying to salvage what's left of their lives.

The point of all this is that if you want something and are willing to put in a lot of work with no promises of anything - you might just succeed.  

And you won't be down on yourself anymore.

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Power of Mindfulness

How many times have you heard the term "I was completely out of my mind" or "or that stuff was so good it got me completely out of mind"

Some of us take drugs or alcohol because the present reality is so painful that we escape into a chemical haze so we don't have to feel what we're feeling.  If we continue to live our lives this way we find that we've thrown away large chunks of precious time, time that can never be reproduced or replaced.

"But," you might respond, "sometimes I can't deal with reality.  I need something to cover the pain of my broken heart, my lost fortune, my failure in school." There is an answer though.  And the more we practice it the more powerful of a tool it becomes.

And that answer is to learn to practice mindfulness or its close cousin, meditation.  

Instead of running from the reality of our pain, we mindfully face it, like facing a bully that is trying to control our lives.

If it could be summoned up in one word, that word would be acceptance.  If we stand up and accept what is going on in our lives we become stronger.  We always accept what is going on in our lives.  And we do this by telling ourselves that whatever's happening right this moment is perfect, it's exactly the way the universe is supposed to be.  If we characterize something as painful or insufferable then that's the effect it will have on us.

A good technique to overcome our perceived pain or unhappiness is to look about us. All over the world there are people who are starving, suffering from disease, or lack of clean water to drink.  So many others live lives of suffering from malnutrition or lack housing.  If we look at  the world from this perspective all of sudden we find gratitude in whatever we have.

If we live our lives in this moment - and accept it as perfect - we find a perfect world.

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Ralph H.

Earlier this week, Ralph H, an icon in the recovery community, passed to the other side.  He was sober 52 years when he died at 92.

I met him in January 1991 when I got sober at EVAC, the detoxification center he managed for several years close to downtown Mesa on Bellview Street, where he served as Clinical Director.

Ralph worked in the recovery field for a few years before he decided to get serious about changing and began to learn how to incorporate recovery into his daily life.  And that's when his recovery took off.  He became a regular at meetings and sponsored many men in 52 years, changing countless lives.

After I'd been sober for a few years, I decided I needed a new sponsor and asked him for guidance in the program.  He stuck with me until his death.

I'll miss him for sure.  But what he taught me will stay forever.

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The Wonder of Gratitude

 Gratitude takes practice.

And when we don't have gratitude as a traveling companion, life can sometimes seem dark.

So, how do we infuse gratitude into our lives?  It's really about changing our perspective.

A simple way is to start when we open our eyes in the morning.  When you awake, don't say "Damn, I have to get ready for work."  Then, jump from the bed and start rushing to get ready.

Instead, set your alarm an hour early.  Rouse yourself slowly and stretch to get your blood circulating. Take a few deep breaths.  Then practice mindful meditation for ten or fifteen minutes.  After that, do some yoga at home - or go to the gym.

Be fully present while you shower.  Savor a light breakfast.  Enjoy the sunrise.

Immerse yourself in the drive to work.  Flow with the traffic.  Be grateful that you have transportation.

Notice those along the way who have less than you.  Maybe you pass someone who's handicapped and riding a motorized cart.  Or someone homeless.  Realize how blessed you are.

Keep your mind in the present.  Don't let it get to the office before your body arrives.  Staying in the moment nurtures our gratitude and enhances our life.

If you're unhappy about how much money you earn remind yourself that much of the world's population lives on less than two dollars a day.

Being grateful comes from how we view life.

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About Flag Day

Stars, stripes, and a story woven through nearly two‑and‑a‑half centuries—Flag Day, celebrated every June 14, is America’s invitation to pause and look back. On that date in 1777, the Continental Congress chose a banner of thirteen alternating red and white stripes with a constellation of stars on a blue canton, declaring the young republic “a new constellation” among nations. Each new state has added a star, yet the basic pattern endures, stitching generations together in a single piece of cloth.

Unlike the fireworks‑filled spectacle of the Fourth of July, Flag Day is quieter, almost reflective. Schoolchildren learn to fold a triangle with crisp corners, scout troops retire weather‑worn banners, and porches from Maine to Hawaii sprout fresh Old Glory at dawn. That modesty is part of its charm: honoring the flag asks more of our attention than our wallets. It nudges us to consider whether our conduct matches the ideals symbolized by thirteen bold stripes and a field of stars.

Presidents have issued proclamations—Woodrow Wilson first did so in 1916, and Harry Truman signed Flag Day into law in 1949—but the observance remains grassroots at heart. Small‑town parades share the day with candlelit ceremonies at veterans’ cemeteries; volunteers mend torn banners for neighbors; civic groups hold essay contests on the meaning of liberty. In these local rituals, the flag becomes less a commodity and more a canvas on which we project collective hopes and honest self‑critique.

So this June 14, take an extra moment. Run a hand along the hem of a well‑traveled flag, explain the colors to a child, or simply watch as the banner catches the last light at dusk. In that moment, you can hear history breathing, reminding us that patriotism is not a posture but a promise still being written.

Our flag represents the freedoms we enjoy today.

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Father's Day

 Coming up is Father's Day, which always falls on the third Sunday in June.

And many are looking forward to celebrating it.  Some are trying to figure out the right gift for their dad. Maybe a dinner.  Or a necktie. Maybe cologne. A gift card tucked inside a greeting card.  Something to show their esteem and love for the man who raised them. And that's a good thing.

As for me, I never celebrated anything about my father. Even though he passed in 1970 at age 60, it's difficult for me to dredge up anything good about him. 

In fact, when he died, someone called to tell me, and I said "Good," then hung up the phone.  I never went to the funeral, and I never grieved his death.  As far as I was concerned, he was dead to me the last time I saw him, when I was about 15 years old.

I know it sounds like I'm still angry and bitter toward him. And while I used to feel that way, I no longer do. Once I got sober, I started using the principles of the 12-step programs to get rid of my anger and resentment toward him.  And anyone else that I had angry feelings toward.

My anger and resentment toward my father stemmed from his alcoholism, his brutality to his children, and anyone else he felt like beating.  But it wasn't until I got a few years into sobriety that my feelings changed.  And that was when I began to understand the dynamics of alcoholism and how it affects different people.  While I don't have warm fuzzies toward him, at least I understand him better.

After working with alcoholics for 30-plus years, I've learned that many of us had terrible relationships with our fathers.  And those relationships pushed us into our own addictions in many cases.

But eventually, we learn we must move on with life, regardless of who harmed us in the past. Otherwise, we might follow the same path and have a miserable life..

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Enough Pain = Change

 Is there a surefire and effective way to help someone get sober, to start living a life of recovery? Yes, if one has the right ingredients almost anyone can quit using and start living a sober life.

After working with addicts for thirty+ years I believe there are several factors that potentially come into play when someone is serious about a major life change like getting sober.

I remember a time about ten years ago when a fellow parked in front of our office and came in to ask for help in getting sober.  

He was well dressed, wearing a watch, driving a decent automobile, and had a woman who waited in the car while he was in our office.

We asked him if that was his car and why he thought he needed help.  Why he thought he was an alcoholic and needed help to stop drinking?  He started telling us his story about how sometimes he would have too much to drink and wake up with a hangover.  Or get into a fight with his wife.  He was afraid he might lose everything, including his wife and home.  He'd never had a DUI nor been in jail.

To sum it up, we told him he might look for someplace else.  Maybe get some outpatient treatment.  We told him that most of those who came to our program had been homeless, in jail and had suffered a lot of pain before they decided to change.  We suggested that he suffer a little more before he tried to get sober; that he still had a decent life and might stop drinking for a few days and decide that he might not have a problem after all.  We told him we didn't think he'd suffered enough consequences.  

And so he went on his way and we never saw him again.

The point of this narrative is that we must suffer enough pain to want to change.  While he had gone through some discomfort from drinking our opinion was that he hadn't reached a bottom where he would be motivated to work on some gut level recovery.  He still had too many resources to be on fire to change.

While TLC accepts anyone who asks for help we like to think that they've had enough pain and loss to want to change. While we'll help anybody we like to use our resources for those who have a strong motivation.  Life will eventually let this guy find out if he has a problem, maybe if he starts feeling some real pain.

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It's not just about the Material

 In the nearly 35 years TLC has been in existence we've had thousands of addicts and alcoholics graduate our program.  And many of them have become quite successful after leaving.

Many have married and are raising children.  Others have gone to college and gotten degrees.  In fact, one recently sent me a video of him receiving his Doctorate.   Another graduate has a quality remodeling business in a nearby state that he has operated for several years. He also is married and has teenage children.  I'm proud of their success.

I know of many others who are succeeding in life.  I only mention these two examples, because I periodically am in contact with them.  And they are handling their success quite well and are examples to those around them - especially to other addicts.

I bring this up today because in the thirty-four years I've stayed sober I have also become financially successful just by saving my money and making long term investments in real estate.  At 86, I work six days a week, stay healthy, and help others have an opportunity to achieve recovery and find a new way of living.

In spite of my success I don't live lavishly.  I live in an average 2200 square foot home.  My one  luxury is a nice car that I lease.  I buy most of my clothing at Walmart, Kohl's, or Old Navy.  I don't find much satisfaction in luxury items, though  I can afford them.

I've had associates ask me why I don't buy a bigger house or get this or that model of fancy car.  But to feel good about myself I don't need those things. I tell them that people aren't going to like me any better if I have a 5,000 square foot house, wear expensive watches, and buy my clothes from Nordstrom's. 

I'd rather invest in three or four personal vacations a year.  I invest in good experiences.

And I suggest to those who leave the program and become successful to remember where they came from. I ask them to show gratitude for their success and be generous to others. Because helping others is one of the great satisfactions in life.

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Summer's Approaching

Suddenly it seems that summer is upon us.  Kind of like opening a door.  For a few months it's been great springtime weather.  Then all of a sudden we go outside and this heavy mantle of oppressive heat imposes itself upon us.  On top of whatever else we're thinking about, there's this constant presence that reminds us we live in a desert.

The heat even affects those who are still using.  Once it's over 100° our beds stay pretty much full all the time.  Drugs and alcohol take an even heavier toll when it's hot.  Those who relapse get beat up pretty fast and return right away.  Especially those who come here from back East or from the northern states.

The wimps among us who work in the office don't complain too loudly.  That's because a large percentage of those who work for TLC – like the maintenance and construction guys – spend much of their time outside. They're not too sympathetic when those of us who work inside whine about the heat.

One of the blessings of being in recovery for a long time is that some of us are able to get away for a few days.  That's what my family and I do each summer just to get a break.

I'm always mindful that I'm able to do things like this because I got into recovery so many years ago..

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