Recycling a Client

This week a former client returned to the program with a lot of stories about where he'd been during his lengthy absence.

He described different jobs he'd had, a couple of relationships he was in – but spent little time discussing his alcoholism - which is what led him to us the first time. And the reality is that few return to TLC unless they've had trouble staying sober.

I was happy to see he was okay and believe he's in the right place, that he returned exactly when he was supposed to. The fact that he glossed over the issues that led him to us in the first place is not uncharacteristic of our clients.

My experience is that if he sticks around while he might figure out what he missed during his previous stay.

Denial?

An outpatient client’s been struggling for a while with the idea that he's not allowed to drink while he's in treatment. He claims he’s not an alcoholic or addict and that the restriction is an invasion of his privacy. He protests a lot, saying he enjoys socializing with friends each weekend. They have a few drinks as part of the socializing.

However, his counselor questions him because he frequently talks about how sad he is about not being able to drink. After all, someone without a problem just says "okay, I don't need to drink until I'm through this process." And for most people, that would probably be the end of it.

As for me, until I admitted had a problem I couldn't change. For a long time I chose not to recognize that drinking and drugging had created more than one mess in my life. I had DUIs. I'd lost money and businesses. Personal relationships broke up. People didn't invite me back. More than one employer gave me my walking papers.  Until I got out of denial I tried to convince myself and everyone else that my troubles were due to bad luck, karma, or that maybe the world had it in for me.

I hope this client figures out if he has a problem with drugs and alcohol. I’d hate to see him wait as long as I did to get into recovery.

Gratitude Call...

A client called Sunday evening to express his gratitude for the TLC program.  He said he appreciated that he had a place to recover and thanked me for my efforts.

While I always appreciate an attaboy I recognize a larger truth: that here’s a client who has a good chance of remaining clean and sober - if he only maintains his gratitude.

If one has a sense of gratitude for where he or she is at in life at this moment, then life suddenly looks better, seems full of possibilities.

I don’t recall ever relapsing while I was in a state of gratitude – nor do I know anyone else who’s relapsed while they were dwelling in this positive emotion.  There were many times though when I was angry and feeling sorry for myself that I ended up drunk and back in the spoon.

In my nearly 22 years of recovery I can always look at the surrounding world and find reasons to be grateful.  If we just look around we can see so many who are suffering – who wished they had our opportunities.

After this client called unexpectedly to thank me I took a moment to dry my eyes and reflect upon the many blessings in my life...

Hitting Bottom

The 20+ managers at the monthly staff meeting last Sunday were discussing how they’d reached their bottoms. 

One man had gone to jail for six months and when he returned home his belongings were sitting outside. The only way he could carry them was in a shopping cart. That began for him several years of homelessness.

Another man had an apartment – but chose to live outside under a bush.  A woman manager arrived in the emergency room after a fight during a drug deal. A manager who'd always smoked meth finally started using a needle, something she’d vowed to never do. Many lost marriages and children. Some suffered grief from the death of a loved one. Others didn't hit bottom until they were walking a prison yard.

Each had a story of how hitting bottom led them to change.

Anyone sitting in this group who hadn't heard the stories would view them as a typical group of mid- level managers. They were clean, bright, well spoken, and healthy appearing. They were positive and upbeat.

However, this group is unique in that they prove the positive effects of living in sobriety.  They look like any other normal group of mid-level managers. But most have histories that would disqualify them from working for a lot of mainstream companies. Yet they came back from their addictions to help operate one of the largest recovery programs in the Southwest.

In sobriety they're making a difference by helping others get sober and change their lives.

12-Steps in Action

A friend in the program has been facing challenges these days, the kind that that used to lead him back to the bottle a few years ago.

His father is facing life-threatening medical issues. Communication with his girlfriend is problematic. To his credit his response has been to talk to his sponsor and remember that he lives his life one day at a time. And he hasn’t drank.

It’s a true miracle that in the face of such emotional burdens this man remains sober. A few years ago he’d of been at the bar. He spent years in and out of treatment programs - trying to get into recovery.  But it's only been the last few years that he's been able to live by the 12-steps and remain sober.

I've heard over and over that it's easy to stay sober when things are great. The euphoria of living on a "pink cloud"" is a wonderful high for those new to recovery. But when challenges show up, even small ones, that's when what we’ve learned gets tested.  However, if we believe we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives are unmanageable then we know that alcohol is only a brief respite – one that will lead us back down the road to disaster.

Knowing this man as I do, his behavior in these circumstances is probably the best testimonial one could witness about the effectiveness of 12 step programs. 

While I've heard stories similar to his many times over the past 21+ years, the fact that I know this man personally makes his ongoing sobriety all the more impressive.

Gratitude = Perspective

Today I saw another example of how gratitude is mostly a matter of perspective.

One client in group – who nearly died last year from a health problem – was bubbling over with gratitude. And it was for basics:  health, sobriety, a place to live.

Another client – who had a nice home, earned six figures and who had a great family life was ungrateful. He was a victim. It was an injustice that he had to attend counseling because of some misdeeds he committed on his job. He failed to see that a lot of people would trade places with him on a moment’s notice.

When a group member pointed out to the client that his income probably placed him among the top 5% in the world he seemed to shift his attitude. Another group member mentioned that about half of the people in the world live on less than a dollar a day.

Often we get so involved with our self-interests that we fail to keep our lives in perspective. If we look we can find others who have much less than us. We can also find those who have a lot more. When we dwell on "poor me,"  we can get in trouble and start feeling sorry for ourselves.

A healthy perspective is when we accept that obstacles are part of life. However, if we take inventory we can usually find something to feel good about. My experience in running a recovery program is that grateful people seldom get into trouble.

Plus, they're usually pretty happy.

What's in a Name?

At the checkout counter at Wal-Mart this morning I noticed the cashier's name tag. It read "Receiving Advocate."

Curious, I asked what that meant. I thought maybe it was some new position at the store. Maybe it was someone who advocated on behalf of those who were returning merchandise?

            "Oh," she replied. "I'm really a stock clerk. I'm not sure why they gave me that nametag."

Then she pointed out that store security personal no longer have “Security” on their shirts. The shirt now reads “Asset Protection.”

Now I'm not the language police, but I find it amusing how we sometimes use euphemisms for ordinary things. I've never quite figured out exactly where this comes from. I think it’s an effort to make the mundane seem more palatable.  And it might be a way for us to soften reality.

For example, the other day someone described a man who was coming to apply for a job as a "big person." So while waiting for the applicant to show up I mentally prepared for a six foot eight football player. Instead, a very obese man of average height entered my office.

Later I asked my employee why he didn't just say that the person was overweight or fat. He told me that he didn't think it was nice to say describe someone that way.  And indeed, it seems to have become endemic in our society to describe overweight or fat people as "big."

Other common euphemisms:

Correctional officer = prison guard.

 Correctional facility = prison.

            Substance abuser = drug addict.

            Passed away = died

            Put down = killed my pet

            Between jobs = unemployed

The list goes on.  While most of these might be harmless efforts to put a gloss on our lives, the name doesn’t change reality.

For example, no matter how nice substance abuser may sound, I’m still a drug addict. And I didn’t come from a disadvantaged background, we were just poor people. And my family wasn’t dysfunctional – they were a collection of angry drunks and dope fiends.