Anonymous Drivel

In over 780 blogs I've never deleted a comment. But I did this week because someone anonymously regurgitated about 200 words about how much drinking and drugging he'd done at our Roosevelt property.

He started his comments on a positive note, with a lot of flattery. Then he digressed into writing about how he learned to cheat and lie and drink and use drugs at our facility. Not only that, he said that the managers were in collusion – that everybody was drinking and drugging.

It was a string of lies. For example, he said that he would go downstairs to tell the manager about someone who was in bed with a bottle of whiskey. And that the manager would say to just "leave the guy alone, that he wasn't bothering anyone. "

The writer didn't have the courage to sign his name. But whoever sent it wrote like they were on meth, spewing stream of consciousness drivel about the program.

Now I don't object to comments, especially constructive ones. But when one engages in unsupported negativity- while obviously under the influence - I have a hard time accepting it.  And in this case, I didn't.

On this blog I welcome comments. Of course I like attaboys. However, anything constructive is welcome. But if someone is venting because they failed the program – I'm not sympathetic.  I'd prefer that they call if they really have an issue and I'll deal with it.

I don't listen to nonsense face-to-face. So I'm not sure why I would do it when someone's cowering behind anonymity in an e-mail.

Hangover, but no Fun

Talking with a friend today with over 35 years sobriety who told me of a drinking dream he’d had the night before.

                “The bad thing about it,” he lamented. “Is that all I remember is the hangover. I don’t remember having any fun.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had such a dream. And he thought the dream might've come from a story he heard at a meeting he’d attended earlier in the day.

A man there said he'd relapsed after ten years of sobriety – several months after he quit going to meetings. 

The man’s story reminded my friend that we must be vigilant about our sobriety. That if we don’t do the things that have kept us sober we become vulnerable to relapse.

The conversation with him brought to mind the many times I’ve been asked how long I have to go to meetings. And my answer is always “as long as I want to stay in touch with my sobriety."

I'm aware that sobriety is the center of my existence. Without it, everything disappears.

Half Measures

In the 12-step literature we often hear the phrase, “half measures availed us nothing.”

While working in this field for over 20 years I’ve seen many clients who take half measures - or less - when working on their recovery.

For example, we recently received a young client who was desperate for help.  His family was done with him. He was dope sick. He was broke. His girlfriend had dumped him.  The dope man wanted to hurt him because he owed for drugs purchased on credit.  In summation, his life was a mess.

During the intake interview he was a tearful, emotional wreck.  But he was willing to whatever it took to change his life. He was on fire to do something different – to start over.

However, at around two weeks that willingness subsided.  The change seemed to begin when he started to feel better after his withdrawal from the drugs. He’d also gotten some rest and had put on a few pounds. The family was talking to him again.

And then he started coming late to groups. He began having trouble getting out of bed in the morning for meetings. He didn’t want to clean his living area. All of a sudden the food wasn’t acceptable. He became bored. His attitude morphed into one of entitlement.

He’d arrived at the point when many clients relapse – or leave.  While we’ve encouraged this client to get back to a state of willingness - only time will tell.

Hopefully he’ll turn it around so he doesn’t have to learn more hard lessons.

Success in Sobriety

In the real world success is often measured by such things as jobs, income, education or the neighborhood one lives  in.

But at TLC, though, our idea of success is different.  Our primary measure of success is if one is living sober.

And tonight one of our client demonstrated success when he described a series of setbacks that would have normally gotten him drunk before he came into the program.

But even though he’d experienced loss of his job and living quarters and hadn’t gotten high, he was still down on himself because he wasn’t being “an example.”

As the group went on though he began to realize that the idea of not drinking or drugging in the face of setbacks is a definition of “success” in the world of recovery at TLC.  And it’s the kind of example that counts to other clients struggling with recovery.

Our experience over the years has been that if one simply deals with the disease that brought them to the program – the measures of success valued by the larger community will also show up.

Peer Pressure

While spending time today with my 14 year old granddaughter I asked if she had close friends.

“Not as many as last year,” she told me.

“How come?” I asked, as I wasn’t sure why an intelligent and attractive 14 year would have fewer friends, rather than more.

“They wanted me to do bad things,” she replied. Then, she told me girlfriends had offered her drugs on more than one occasion.

“I kept saying ‘no’” she said.  “Now they don’t have much to do with me.”

 However, she said it in a manner that indicated she was okay with her decision. And was going to stick by it.

We continued our conversation along this vein for a while and I encouraged her to continue her wise decisions.

Her decisions at 14 are such a contrast to the clients we have at TLC.  Many share that they eagerly began using drugs and alcohol as young as ten years old – and some earlier. In the case of my brother and me we’d follow our alcoholic father around the house and drink from his bottles at five and six years old.  It’s rare when someone tells us they didn’t start until their 20s.

I'm proud my granddaughter is avoiding the peer pressure that pulls so many into addiction. And even though she's strong, I'll continue to encourage her.

Self-Transformation

“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation”. Lao Tzu, author of theTao Te Ching.

Little is known about Lao Tzu, the sage who lived – according to some scholars - 600 to 300 BC in China.

In spite of the mysteries surrounding this ancient sage, his wisdom is as valuable today as it was over 2000 years ago. The tools we pick up in the 12-step program help us in the self-transformation to which he refers.

Before we transformed ourselves by working the steps, many of us were a drain on society. Because of my addictions and alcoholism I spent over 16 years as a guest of various governmental agencies who were punishing me for my bad behavior.  And rightly so.

While the price I paid might seem severe by today’s standards, my consequences were compatible with what was done by the legal system  at the time. In the 50s and 60s we never heard of treatment programs. And the disease concept of addiction wasn’t as widespread as today. So when people committed crimes to get drugs the reaction of the legal community was incarceration.  And at taxpayer expense.

But when we transform ourselves it is a gift to the world. All of a sudden, instead of being takers, we are givers. We give back to the world. We make amends. We start righting the wrongs we've done to the community.

We support our children and start to care for our families. We find jobs and become taxpayers once more. Instead of  draining the community we enhance it.

Self-transformation makes us different human beings who begin to reap the benefits of a new life.

Joining the Human Race

Part of the evolution from being a self-centered, self-absorbed addict is when we start getting sober and realize we're part of the larger human race.

While, of course, this is my opinion, I think that when we realize we’re part of the larger community we start looking at those around us and realize that maybe our situation is not so bad. For example, I dealt with a client the other day who was very concerned about the type of food we serve at TLC.

He was on the verge of being a homeless when he arrived. He's on probation with his employer. His wife left him a long time ago, and his children really don't want him around because he's so unpredictable. He has no money or resources. Yet he was extremely concerned about his living conditions and the food.

While I understand that people like to eat and live well, when they're living in a halfway house in early recovery it's probably better that they focus on why they’re there in the first place.

Once sober for a while then we may realize that there are many in the world who are really suffering. There are those who can't afford food and have no place to live other than a shelter. Many can't afford medical care. There are young people who are suffering from serious illnesses.

When we look at the world around us we can realize that we have it pretty good.