Unique?

Those of us sober are unique. Not unique in an egotistic or "special" way.

Unique in that we prayed for a better life. Then God heard our pain and put us on the path.

Change is difficult.  So difficult that fewer than ten percent of addicts and alcoholics succeed. To do it we convince the one in the mirror to do different. And it's an ongoing - often tough - process. We must be unwavering and unrelenting to adhere to our goal of sobriety.

For me, change is ongoing. When I stop growing - stop trying to become what God intends – I fall into this funk of quasi – guilt. After a few days of no progress, no change, I come back because that’s where I belong.

Only in retrospect is change dramatic – at least for me. I look behind me a year, five years, ten years – and progress seems astounding. But the changes occurred at a glacial pace, incrementally day-by-day, week by week, month by month.

We who overcome our history of failure, of relapse, of wreckage and remain sober are indeed unique. We survived the pitfalls that claimed those who are not convinced that sobriety and clean bring us the ultimate joy.

May be continue...

Denial Lives

Denial, a prominent characteristic of addiction, takes many forms.

For example, a young man’s family called to get him into TLC’s Outpatient Treatment Clinic. 

When he called for his appointment he seemed enthusiastic about the prospect of getting off opiates. He was grateful for his family's help and wanted to change.

But he didn't show for the appointment. So we re-scheduled for the next day. He kept that one, though he was a half hour late. 

During his first interview he said he lived with a girlfriend who was using. When we suggested he move into our sober living so he’d be in a clean environment while detoxing he declined. He said her using wouldn't interfere with his desire to get clean. Of course we knew he was deluding himself if he thought he could get clean while living with an active user.

His behavior during the first few days indicated that – regardless of what he said – he wasn't serious about detox or therapy. That maybe he was going through the motions to placate his family. He then missed an appointment with the clinic doctor. He also didn't make it to follow-up interviews or respond to phone calls..

When we spoke to his parents, who were paying for his services - they said they were having “second thoughts” after talking to their son. He'd told them we were “strange,” that he wasn't sure we were "legitimate."

At that juncture we ended communication with them because they obviously were buying into their son’s excuses – which were really a smokescreen because he didn't want to get sober.

Eventually our disease will drag us down far enough to overcome our denial - no matter what form it takes.

Going for 23

Almost twenty-two-years ago – the 14th of January, 1991, I admitted I was alcoholic. It was the watershed moment of my life.

There’s nothing I've done that's made such a difference. For years I went back and forth with my alcoholism. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. It was okay to be a heroin addict. Heroin addicts were cool in the fifties. But the idea of being an alcoholic - like my father and brother who both died from drinking - had no appeal. I knew I was a heroin addict, but wouldn't admit my alcoholism.

Eventually though, life intervened. I was drinking and drugging so much I had to face myself. I was homeless and headed back to prison. I was stealing each day to survive. I was living in a stolen car. When I drug myself into detox January 13, 1991 I was willing to do whatever it took - even admit being alcoholic.

I enthusiastically attended 12-step meetings. I went from detox to a halfway house. I found a job. I joined the YMCA. I began paying back child support.

Within a year I was on my feet – more or less. I laid the groundwork for TLC and started my own chain of halfway houses. I had a new career and a new life.

I think the real value I bring to the recovery world is a message to those who think they’re too old, or uneducated, or unhealthy, to get into recovery.

When I entered sobriety I was 51 years old. I had a GED. No money or credit. I had hepatitis C. I was a five time loser; three as an adult, twice as a juvenile. However, none of that stopped me. I made a determination that I wanted to change my life. 

 
Today I have a lovely wife, a circle of friends, successful businesses, and relatively good health – all because I’ve been sober 22 years. 

I think I'll go for 23...

We Never Know

I took a call yesterday from one of our facilities about a man who failed a breathalyzer test.

While I normally don’t get reports when a client fails a test, I did in this case because I’d helped get him into the program. Because he was discharged a year earlier for fighting it took my intervention for him to return. So – because of my personal involvement - the house manager gave me a courtesy call .

Although I was disappointed, I was not surprised he’d started drinking again. He’s an alcoholic who came to us after spending more than 30 years in prison. The reality of living in a cage that long had warped this client’s personality to the point that he had a difficult time facing the stress of the real world.

But I took him back because he approached me at a meeting a few months ago – smelling of alcohol - and had the humility to ask for help. He was homeless. He was broke. He said he was tired and wanted another chance. So I helped him back into TLC.

He did well for a minute. He worked. He paid his service fees. He didn’t fight or argue with anyone. He seemed serious about changing his life and getting sober. Then his disease kicked in and he picked up a bottle.

More than one person cautioned had me about taking this man back and maybe they were right.  But on the other hand, he might have heard something this time around that will help him get sober.

Different Perspective

Sometimes I’m fooled by appearances.

This happened while I was doing an assessment for a client at our outpatient clinic, a man who seemed to have the perfect life. He’s happily married. He has a good paying job. He showed up with a nice vehicle. And he was well-dressed and polite.

In view of this facade of success, it somehow seemed incongruous that he was in danger of losing his long-time employment for failing a drug test. In addition, he’d never been arrested nor had a DUI. What motivated him to use drugs?

When he came to the follow-up appointment a week later, he brought his son, a boy around seven. The lad was bright and charming, in spite of a handicap that made it difficult for him to walk. However he was able to hobble along without the aid of crutches or help from his father. In fact, he was seemingly oblivious to his physical challenges, behaving like any other playful seven-year old.

After meeting the boy, I somehow have a different perspective on this man. I’m not sure it’s relevant to anything because I get paid to evaluate, not have opinions. And certainly what I think or feel about a client doesn’t change the evaluation.

I don’t believe this man’s challenges are a reason to get high and jeopardize his livelihood. But after meeting the son, I feel like I understand him a little better.

More Success...

Sometimes the simplest way to tell others about the miracles of recovery is to use examples. 

And I heard one today when a long-time client returned from vacation - where he’d spent time with an elderly relative he hadn't seen since he got sober nearly five years ago.

The last time he saw this relative he was still using and his life was – well you know what his life was like without me telling you another war story.

But when he went to visit this time he was a different person. He’s the father of a one year old. He and the child’s mother will marry this summer. He lives in a four bedroom home in the suburbs. He’s been with the same company since he’s been sober and has assumed added responsibility. He has a sponsor and is working a solid 12-step program.

Not only was the relative pleased that he’d brought his family halfway across the country for a Christmas visit – she was also amazed at the changes sobriety has brought to his life. On top of that, another relative was so impressed with his recovery that she followed him to Arizona on her own to enter TLC’s recovery program.

The real miracle in this man’s case is that he’s sober after his upbringing. His mother died of her addiction before he entered his teens. He last saw his father in a Phoenix park, where he gave his dad some money to buy meth.

It’s a huge leap from where this client came from to where he is today. However, this same success is available to any of us.

We simply need to ask for help.

Dragging along the Past

Because of his past, an aftercare client has difficulty accepting his family’s love.   In fact, he choked up as he talked about it.

He was locked up for drug and alcohol issues. He treated his family poorly half a lifetime ago, something he hasn’t forgotten. The guilt he carries today colors his opinion of himself and interferes with relationships. He feels so badly about himself that he doesn't know how anyone could want anything to do with him.

Like many of our clients, he deals with the world based on his past. His conversation includes phrases about how he “should be” or what a “man should do.”

And while we can’t change the past, neither can we judge ourselves by it. We may recall the past as a way to avoid mistakes. However, there’s no benefit in lugging a burden of guilt and shame along with us. Instead - if it’s still an issue make amends - then move on.

I asked this client if he’s still doing the things now that he did back then. The answer was “no.” Today he’s working. He’s attending meetings. He quit smoking. He has a more positive attitude. He helps others.

Bad feelings from the past can destroy our happiness today - if we let them....