"Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." Dalai Lama
Many of us addicts confuse wants and needs.
Transportation is a need. A new car is want.
Clothing is a need. A new wardrobe is a want.
Nourishment is a need. A meal at a fancy restaurant is a want.
And the list goes on and on.
For us addicts getting what we want - especially right away - can ruin our lives.
For example, many in our program want to earn a lot of money right now. They "need" it for this or that. Then the next thing we know they get a fat paycheck and spend it at the dope house.
We had a sad experience recently with one of our halfway house clients who did a great job while working with us for over a year. But somewhere along the way he got sidetracked by the idea of wanting more.
He left in an outburst of anger. He found a job that offered a better income - along with a place to live. He got what he wanted.
But within six weeks he was dead of a drug overdose.
At TLC we meet the basic needs of those halfway house clients who stay with us. But we counsel them to not confuse "needs" and "wants."
If they continue to work a program they will always see a natural improvement in their lives.
When we're spiritually ready, the Universe provides us with with a cornucopia of blessings - including many of the things we want.
Click here to email John
Friday, November 7, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Letting Go
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." C.S. Lewis
After working for years with addicts in recovery I've found that our biggest challenge is letting go of pain.
For 17 years I've conducted a group where many men are still dealing with their past.
They may be reliving a bad childhood. Or still angry at an ex who tossed them out or betrayed them. Maybe they want to re-connect with the kids they abandoned years earlier. It could be most any kind of painful experience.
And my suggestion is always the same: learn to live in the here and now.
No matter how painful our past, revisiting it won't make it better. Instead we compound it by wasting our time going over and over the same thing.
Is that the legacy we want leave behind? That we spent our lives stewing about something bad that happened to us?
After working for years with addicts in recovery I've found that our biggest challenge is letting go of pain.
For 17 years I've conducted a group where many men are still dealing with their past.
They may be reliving a bad childhood. Or still angry at an ex who tossed them out or betrayed them. Maybe they want to re-connect with the kids they abandoned years earlier. It could be most any kind of painful experience.
And my suggestion is always the same: learn to live in the here and now.
No matter how painful our past, revisiting it won't make it better. Instead we compound it by wasting our time going over and over the same thing.
Is that the legacy we want leave behind? That we spent our lives stewing about something bad that happened to us?
God has given us this beautiful slice of time that we live in at this moment. Why waste this gift on things we can do nothing about?
Click here to email John
Click here to email John
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Accepting Everyone
For the past 22 years TLC has accepted everyone who shows up at our door. All applicants need is a desire to stay clean and sober and change their lives
We've had addicts show up in wheelchairs, or on crutches or with other physical challenges. We accept them as long as they're willing to comply with our guidelines.
We also accept those with emotional challenges, including those who are bi-polar or schizo-effective.
The only addicts or alcoholics we don't accept are those with arrests for sex offenses or arson. And this, of course, is for obvious reasons.
Accepting such a diverse group requires much patience and tolerance on the part of our managers. And with rare exception none of them are trained professionals.
This came up for me while I was at a 12-step meeting last week where one of our residents was sharing. After a few minutes I could see that he was quite troubled emotionally.
As I listened to him I had a moment of gratitude for the manager of the house in which he was living. I know that residents like this man require special attention. They require a lot of time and patience on the manager's part.
Fortunately we are blessed with that kind of staff.
Click here to email John
We've had addicts show up in wheelchairs, or on crutches or with other physical challenges. We accept them as long as they're willing to comply with our guidelines.
We also accept those with emotional challenges, including those who are bi-polar or schizo-effective.
The only addicts or alcoholics we don't accept are those with arrests for sex offenses or arson. And this, of course, is for obvious reasons.
Accepting such a diverse group requires much patience and tolerance on the part of our managers. And with rare exception none of them are trained professionals.
This came up for me while I was at a 12-step meeting last week where one of our residents was sharing. After a few minutes I could see that he was quite troubled emotionally.
As I listened to him I had a moment of gratitude for the manager of the house in which he was living. I know that residents like this man require special attention. They require a lot of time and patience on the manager's part.
Fortunately we are blessed with that kind of staff.
Click here to email John
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Transitions
A long-time manager was talking about Thanksgiving because each year he hosts dinner for 15 to 20 guests. And most of them are TLC staff.
It's a tradition he's followed for nearly 20 years. He says that every few years the guest list changes. And that's because those who first show up don't have families. Or much of a social life.
But after they're around a while they get married. Soon, they're hosting their own celebrations in their own homes with their own guest lists.
This anecdote embodies on a small scale what TLC is about.
Most of our clients come to us with nothing. Maybe a few clothes in a trash bag. An arrest record. No license or identification. Some with nothing all. Flat broke. Drugs and alcohol took it all.
But if they stick around and work our program things start to happen for them. They get a sponsor. Find a job. Start building relationships and a network of friends.
Transitional is part of our name and these are the kinds of changes we love to see in our client's lives.
Click here to email John
It's a tradition he's followed for nearly 20 years. He says that every few years the guest list changes. And that's because those who first show up don't have families. Or much of a social life.
But after they're around a while they get married. Soon, they're hosting their own celebrations in their own homes with their own guest lists.
This anecdote embodies on a small scale what TLC is about.
Most of our clients come to us with nothing. Maybe a few clothes in a trash bag. An arrest record. No license or identification. Some with nothing all. Flat broke. Drugs and alcohol took it all.
But if they stick around and work our program things start to happen for them. They get a sponsor. Find a job. Start building relationships and a network of friends.
Transitional is part of our name and these are the kinds of changes we love to see in our client's lives.
Click here to email John
Monday, November 3, 2014
Anger
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
I came across this saying a few days ago while reading about anger.
And anger was on my mind because an upset parent who didn't get their way dropped the "F-bomb“ on me about five times. Then she finished me off with a "mo-fo."
Needless to say, the depth of her anger took me by surprise. It's rare that my communication with anyone these days descends to profanity.
And maybe I took it as a personal failure because I try to never let a conversation take the turn this one did. But it is what it is.
In any event, anger has never been productive for me. In my younger years outbursts of anger ensued when I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted. And what followed was a lot of drugs or alcohol to assuage my feelings.
For addicts and alcoholics anger is the toxin we must run from as if it were a real poison.
Today, when I encounter an angry person I extend compassion because I know they're suffering and in pain. And I silently thank them for re-enforcing my commitment to live a life of calm and peace.
Click here to email John
I came across this saying a few days ago while reading about anger.
And anger was on my mind because an upset parent who didn't get their way dropped the "F-bomb“ on me about five times. Then she finished me off with a "mo-fo."
Needless to say, the depth of her anger took me by surprise. It's rare that my communication with anyone these days descends to profanity.
And maybe I took it as a personal failure because I try to never let a conversation take the turn this one did. But it is what it is.
In any event, anger has never been productive for me. In my younger years outbursts of anger ensued when I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted. And what followed was a lot of drugs or alcohol to assuage my feelings.
For addicts and alcoholics anger is the toxin we must run from as if it were a real poison.
Today, when I encounter an angry person I extend compassion because I know they're suffering and in pain. And I silently thank them for re-enforcing my commitment to live a life of calm and peace.
Click here to email John
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Changes
One thing we can count on in life is change.
Buy tickets for a vacation in the sun, then you learn that the weather forecast for that week is rain. And it's too late to change plans.
We think the market's going up. But it goes down.
Buy tickets for a vacation in the sun, then you learn that the weather forecast for that week is rain. And it's too late to change plans.
We think the market's going up. But it goes down.
The long-time trusted employee in whom we have complete confidence turns out to be as human as the next person.
Life deals us surprises all the time. But if we keep in mind that life is always about change and more change - the unexpected won’t rock our world.
For addicts life changes can tip us over unless we cultivate a manner of thinking that gives us resilience.
When we live with the idea that something new is going to happen, then when it does we’re not shocked. We tell ourselves "I expected that,” and move on with our lives.
It's rarely what happens that changes our life. It's our reaction to what happens that determines how we'll live.
Life deals us surprises all the time. But if we keep in mind that life is always about change and more change - the unexpected won’t rock our world.
For addicts life changes can tip us over unless we cultivate a manner of thinking that gives us resilience.
When we live with the idea that something new is going to happen, then when it does we’re not shocked. We tell ourselves "I expected that,” and move on with our lives.
It's rarely what happens that changes our life. It's our reaction to what happens that determines how we'll live.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Doing Great
By chance I run into an addict I've known for some time.
I'd heard tht he'd relapsed a while back. That he'd begun using again. But I still wasn't prepared to see him like this.
The last time I saw him, in early summer, he had a job, a car, and a place to live. At that time he went to meetings, was into fitness, and was upbeat about everythng.
The change was shocking. He was downcast and wouldn't look me in the eyes. His shoes were raggedy and his clothes looked as though he'd been sleeping in them for a while. He had an odor of old sweat about him.
When I inquired about how he'd been he said he was doing "great." The same answer I used to give when my life was in shambles and I didn't know where to get my next fix or drink.
Before we parted I offered to take him to detox, to help him get on his feet. He declined, saying he'd be okay.
He did accept the little bit of money I gave him. Then he walked away as if he had somewhere to be.
I went about my day, grateful for my recovery.
Click here to email John
I'd heard tht he'd relapsed a while back. That he'd begun using again. But I still wasn't prepared to see him like this.
The last time I saw him, in early summer, he had a job, a car, and a place to live. At that time he went to meetings, was into fitness, and was upbeat about everythng.
The change was shocking. He was downcast and wouldn't look me in the eyes. His shoes were raggedy and his clothes looked as though he'd been sleeping in them for a while. He had an odor of old sweat about him.
When I inquired about how he'd been he said he was doing "great." The same answer I used to give when my life was in shambles and I didn't know where to get my next fix or drink.
Before we parted I offered to take him to detox, to help him get on his feet. He declined, saying he'd be okay.
He did accept the little bit of money I gave him. Then he walked away as if he had somewhere to be.
I went about my day, grateful for my recovery.
Click here to email John
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