Acceptance

A key concept in recovery - and healing - is acceptance.

We read about it in the 12-step literature on page 417. It might be one the most quoted passages in 12-literature.  And it's also a key idea in other disciplines.

We find it in mindfulness meditation. We're taught that while meditating to observe our passing thoughts - and then accept them.

My mindfulness instructor teaches me to accept them all - the good, bad, and the ugly. Accept them and let them pass by. This non-critical acceptance of our thoughts is a catalyst for change.

So what are the benefits of acceptance? I mean, is it a cure-all?

Of course not. But many of us go through life in a state of denial about things that are obvious. Instead of accepting what's going on, we hope things will change on their own. We try to shape the world to our wants, rather than accept things as they are.

For example, I know someone whose marriage is unraveling to the point that he's left the house. He’s not accepting the breakup, but he’s also not paying attention to the reasons they split. And he won't change unless he recognizes his part.  And now he's living in turmoil - and looking at what she's done.

Acceptance is the foundation of change. If we don't accept what the doctor says about health issues then we'll remain unhealthy. We won't quit smoking. Or eating a lot processed food. We won't exercise.

I know a talented college-educated woman who's blind to her anger issues. It's obvious to those around her because she's lost everything. Her marriage, her home, her business, and personal relationships are gone. But, she doesn't accept her part in any of it. It's always someone or something else. Lack of acceptance is a cloud over her life.

When I find acceptance of whatever is going on then I can make changes if they're needed. And that's freedom. Even when it's painful.

Click here to email John

Grown?

"I'm a grown ass man" or "I'm a grown ass woman."

We often hear this at TLC. And it always comes from a client who's decided not to do what we asked them to.

Usually it's the response we get when we ask them to clean their room. Look for a job. Stop arguing with another client. It's always something simple, nothing very complicated.

The reality is that when an addict comes into our program they're paying us to tell them what to do.

At the time they make that agreement with us, they're pretty desperate. Usually they are homeless. Broke. Jobless. And have a drug or alcohol habit. And probably all they own is the clothes on their back.

However, once they get a few meals in their stomach, a job, and some rest, things might change if they're not serious about recovery. At this stage some of their old thinking might come back. The addict ego may start to blossom once more. They've already started to forget what it was like out there.

At this point they usually make a decision about whether they're going to leave or stay. And we caution them about leaving in this state of mind. Because leaving angry is a sure way to relapse.

What we recommend – and not very gently – is for them to get their ego out of the way and develop some humility. We asked them to remember that their best thinking is what got them to TLC.

And the other thing we point out to them is that we're only asking them to do the same thing that an
ordinary citizen does . Go to work. Pay bills. Pay child support. Don't break the law. All that boring stuff that makes up day to day living.

But those things can contribute to a peaceful and productive life.

Click here to email John

Happy Parents

We get a lot of emails from distressed parents who are upset about their child.  Here I'm sharing email excerpts from happy parents who are getting good reports from their daughter.  Names are left out for the sake of anonymity.

"It was June 30th when we put our daughter on a plane to fly across the country into the unknown. At least it was unknown to us.

But she seemed to know that your program was just what she needed. It has been a week and a half of texts and phone calls back and forth that has made us realize she knew what she was doing. We hear it in her voice on the phone and we read it in her texts that she is beginning to take back her life.

We know she still has many weeks and months if not even years of recovery, but we have high hopes that this time it will work for her because we know she wants it to work

Thank you for your program, thank you for the caring organization you have established. And thank you for watching over our daughter as I'm sure you do for every single individual in your care."

Emails like this are refreshing.

Click here to email John

Tangled Emotions

Sometimes clients in new recovery are dealing with such confusing emotions that they're just a mess.

They bounce from being sad and tearful to smiling and happy. All in a matter of minutes.

When I ask what's going on they don't know. And I believe them. Because they haven't learned how to deal with their feelings and emotions. Before recovery they covered emotions with drugs or alcohol.

To get to a solution I'll ask them to list what's going on. What has them in turmoil?

And the list is sometimes lengthy. Family. Job. Health. Money. Children. Fear. Sadness. Grief. On and on.

And they've stirred these together into an unidentifiable glob. Life is one big bleeping mess.

To help, I ask them to take things one at a time. And when they see them in the light of day they start to understand.

They begin to realize they can't deal with most of their issues at this moment. And some things they must simply accept.

But many times it's difficult to get them to stick around long enough to get this far.  They sometimes run.

But if they do stay and deal with their problems they'll find there's a solution to most everything in their lives. But they can only deal with them one at a a time.

If we tangle all our issues together it's no wonder life is unmanageable and depressing.

Click here to email John

Just need a Job

A myth among our residents is that all they need is a job. Then everything well be okay. Their world will be back together. The planets will realign themselves. It's a theme song in our groups and counseling sessions.

"I just need to get back to work."

And when I respond with my stock answer, they look at me like I've relapsed. And my answer is always the same: "Jobs are not your problem."

Because if all they needed was a job, why did they start using in the first place?

After all, everyone in our program has worked at one time or the other. Yet they ended up in jail, homeless, or in a recovery program due to drinking and drugging.

My point is that addicts like me - and most of those in our program - must make recovery their priority. Then good things will begin to happen.

Over and over I've seen clients put work before everything. They can't make meetings because of their work schedule. Or they're too tired. Then next thing you know they're back in the spoon or the bottle.

I'm not anti-work. And unless we're rich kids, we must work to live. No one will support us. But, if we put work before our recovery then we'll soon be back where we started - or worse.

When our clients stay clean and sober - and spiritually centered - the universe blesses them.

Click here to email John

More Services

Within a few months TLC will be offering treatment services at the outlying houses. This includes therapy groups, and other counseling.

The format for the groups will be the same as at our clinic on Macdonald Street.

This expansion is for those with AHCCCS. That's Arizona insurance for low-income residents. Most of our clients qualify for - or have - this insurance.

A few weeks ago the State approved our application. Now we're setting up computer software to bill for these services. It's not a simple process.

Although we have half a dozen counselors, we'll need more. We'll add more staff for scheduling, record keeping, and other administrative functions.

This is another step in our efforts to help clients rebuild their lives.

Click here to email John

Old Programming

Today I was driving out of my neighborhood and noticed some expensive tools sitting in front of a house, unattended.

And immediately the thought flashed through my mind that they would be easy to steal.

Now I haven't stolen anything other than a few ideas since 1991, when I entered recovery. And there's nothing I want or need that I can't buy.

But 95% of an addict's life is raising money. And when I was using over a 38 year span I was a predatory animal. I was constantly on the lookout for valuables to convert to cash. For money to stop the craving and anxiety that came with withdrawal.

Recovery has removed the craving. But it hasn't erased the old neural pathways carved into my brain during those years.

They're still there, maybe a little rusty from lack of use. But still there. Like when I automatically notice something to steal.

It reminds me of the challenges we addicts and alcoholics face in new recovery. It's not easy to overcome the habitual responses ingrained within us. That's why so many relapse.

Yet persistence and hanging out with other sober people can show us the way. And help us to change our thinking.

Click here to email John