A man approached me at a 12-step meeting - after getting a one year chip - and thanked me for helping him get to TLC.
He said he'd sent an email in the summer of last year, asking for help. And my response was to direct him to our Southern property.
I appreciated his gratitude, even though he's the one who did the hard work of staying in recovery.
It meant something to me, though, because it's rare that I meet those who send emails.
Some are simple inquiries. Others have a tone of desperation, even drama, about them. They often say things like "if I don't get sober I'm going to die." Or, "I've lost everything and don't know what to do."
The other day a woman wrote telling me she felt like taking her life. She'd tried to get sober many times, but had never succeeded and was ready to give up. I told her to call a suicide hotline.
Others will start their email with some clarity, then the words will trail off as if they'd just done a shot of dope. Or else are about to pass out from drinking.
A few send nonsense messages that are unintelligible. Even if I can't understand them I'll send a brief answer saying that we can help.
And then there are a couple who've been writing to me every once in a while over the past year. They say they're still trying to figure out how to get a ride to Arizona. I always wish them luck.
Click here to email John
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Finding Happiness
I don't have psychic powers. But I'm pretty sure I know what you want. You want the same thing I want. The same thing everyone else wants. And that is to be happy.
But what does that mean? To be happy?
I don't know because I'm not in your skin. I don't what does it for you, what brings bliss, joy, and comfort into your life.
For me, it's to have a good relationship with my wife. To connect with my children and grandchildren. To have meaningful employment and financial security. To help others escape the insanity of their addictions. To help my family and those around me live up to their full potential. To stay fit and healthy during my remaining years. To learn new skills.
But for you to find happiness you need to first discover what it is.
Maybe it's winning the lottery. Or a certain woman or man. A new car or home. We may get those fantasy things then realize they didn't do it for us.
We have to figure out what makes us jump out of bed in the morning. What makes our heart beat. Where's our mind when we're daydreaming? What are we passionate about?
When we discover our passion and pursue it then we realize there's a wonderful life beyond drugs and alcohol.
Click here to email John
But what does that mean? To be happy?
I don't know because I'm not in your skin. I don't what does it for you, what brings bliss, joy, and comfort into your life.
For me, it's to have a good relationship with my wife. To connect with my children and grandchildren. To have meaningful employment and financial security. To help others escape the insanity of their addictions. To help my family and those around me live up to their full potential. To stay fit and healthy during my remaining years. To learn new skills.
But for you to find happiness you need to first discover what it is.
Maybe it's winning the lottery. Or a certain woman or man. A new car or home. We may get those fantasy things then realize they didn't do it for us.
We have to figure out what makes us jump out of bed in the morning. What makes our heart beat. Where's our mind when we're daydreaming? What are we passionate about?
When we discover our passion and pursue it then we realize there's a wonderful life beyond drugs and alcohol.
Click here to email John
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Still addicted
Someone I've known for years ago is in the hospital again after a third heart attack.
She's had a valve replaced. She's had stints put in her heart. She has a pacemaker. The doctors placed her in a nursing home for a few weeks after her first heart attack. They wanted to give her a long period away from cigarettes before they sent her home.
But within days of being home she was smoking again. Not so much at first. But after a short time she was puffing away like before.
As someone who lost seven family members to emphysema and COPD I'm against tobacco use. It was excruciating to watch them slowly suffocate because of this horrible addiction.
And while I might sound preachy, I'm a former smoker who quit smoking 31 years ago.. I know it's not easy. It's hard. I kicked heroin a few dozen times. And quitting nicotine was the hardest habit of all to break.
I know we have the right to kill ourselves however we want. I hear addicts say all the time that they're not hurting anyone but themselves. Not true.
We all have someone who loves and cares about us. Whether it be children, spouses, friends, or co-workers, we have an obligation to take care of ourselves for them.
That is, unless we just don't care. And I don't think many of fall into that category. Especially when we have loved ones in our life.
Click here to email John
But within days of being home she was smoking again. Not so much at first. But after a short time she was puffing away like before.
As someone who lost seven family members to emphysema and COPD I'm against tobacco use. It was excruciating to watch them slowly suffocate because of this horrible addiction.
And while I might sound preachy, I'm a former smoker who quit smoking 31 years ago.. I know it's not easy. It's hard. I kicked heroin a few dozen times. And quitting nicotine was the hardest habit of all to break.
I know we have the right to kill ourselves however we want. I hear addicts say all the time that they're not hurting anyone but themselves. Not true.
We all have someone who loves and cares about us. Whether it be children, spouses, friends, or co-workers, we have an obligation to take care of ourselves for them.
That is, unless we just don't care. And I don't think many of fall into that category. Especially when we have loved ones in our life.
Click here to email John
Friday, October 30, 2015
Being Patient
After 24+ years of working with addicts I've developed patience.
I try to give everyone an opportunity. Just show me something says the voice in my head. Give me an inkling that you might possibly - maybe - perhaps - want to change. Shed a tear. Just a hint of humility. A little scrap of willingness so we don't have to put you on the streets.
Sometimes I ask myself why I'm not tougher. Why I can't act like the boss and send unwilling clients on their way.
But, unless they're a threat to the safety of others - or else bring drugs into the program - my first choice is not to throw them out.
And I think one of the reasons is that way back in the last century a few people showed me a lot of patience. Compassion. Kindness. Love.
And as a teenager and a twenty-something I was a lot like many of our clients today. I was angry, full of suppressed rage. Confused. Thought the world was out to get me. I sometimes hated everyone. No one understood me. I felt sorry for myself.
But I remember some of the kind people who tried to help. My family. Therapists in the State Hospital. Teachers. Parole Officers. School counselors. They reached out and told me what would happen if I didn't change. But I was too angry - and much later realized that most of them were right. And a lot of them hung with me as long as I let them.
So today, I recall the kind people who tried to lift me up in spite of myself. A lot of people spent hours showing me compassion and kept coming back.
Today I try to pass that on when dealing with a difficult client.
Click here to email John
I try to give everyone an opportunity. Just show me something says the voice in my head. Give me an inkling that you might possibly - maybe - perhaps - want to change. Shed a tear. Just a hint of humility. A little scrap of willingness so we don't have to put you on the streets.
Sometimes I ask myself why I'm not tougher. Why I can't act like the boss and send unwilling clients on their way.
But, unless they're a threat to the safety of others - or else bring drugs into the program - my first choice is not to throw them out.
And I think one of the reasons is that way back in the last century a few people showed me a lot of patience. Compassion. Kindness. Love.
And as a teenager and a twenty-something I was a lot like many of our clients today. I was angry, full of suppressed rage. Confused. Thought the world was out to get me. I sometimes hated everyone. No one understood me. I felt sorry for myself.
But I remember some of the kind people who tried to help. My family. Therapists in the State Hospital. Teachers. Parole Officers. School counselors. They reached out and told me what would happen if I didn't change. But I was too angry - and much later realized that most of them were right. And a lot of them hung with me as long as I let them.
So today, I recall the kind people who tried to lift me up in spite of myself. A lot of people spent hours showing me compassion and kept coming back.
Today I try to pass that on when dealing with a difficult client.
Click here to email John
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Looking for Children
We often get calls from parents. They're calling recovery programs, looking for addicts that have fallen off the radar.
Some say they haven't seen their child in a few months. But others haven't seen them for ten years or more.
Maybe a family member is in poor health and they want to reconcile with their child. Or at least talk to them one last time. There are a lot of reasons.
Sometimes they'll say they've checked with the prisons and hospitals. But have had no luck. They're hoping we can help.
Usually we'll take the name of the person they're looking for. Then, if they're with us, we'll pass the message to them.
Those who call - or show up - always seem to be hurting. Their voices sometimes crack with emotion. One can feel the pain in their voices.
Some take the time to talk about their child's addiction. About how he or she was once a 4.0 student or a star athlete. Until drugs or alcohol derailed their lives. They appreciate the moments we spend listening to them.
If we could record these calls and play them back in our group sessions it might help some of us. We would realize the devastation our using brings into the lives of those close to us.
Click here to email John
Some say they haven't seen their child in a few months. But others haven't seen them for ten years or more.
Maybe a family member is in poor health and they want to reconcile with their child. Or at least talk to them one last time. There are a lot of reasons.
Sometimes they'll say they've checked with the prisons and hospitals. But have had no luck. They're hoping we can help.
Usually we'll take the name of the person they're looking for. Then, if they're with us, we'll pass the message to them.
Those who call - or show up - always seem to be hurting. Their voices sometimes crack with emotion. One can feel the pain in their voices.
Some take the time to talk about their child's addiction. About how he or she was once a 4.0 student or a star athlete. Until drugs or alcohol derailed their lives. They appreciate the moments we spend listening to them.
If we could record these calls and play them back in our group sessions it might help some of us. We would realize the devastation our using brings into the lives of those close to us.
Click here to email John
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Taking the Time
"The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it." Sydney J. Harris
If we don't relax once in a while we're making a statement. What we're saying is we don't have time to live well. To take care of ourselves. To enjoy life.
Often I'm around those who say they don't have time to work out, to meditate, to eat right, to read a book.
They're busily engaged in the next thing, the newest distraction. Or they stay immersed with work to avoid being present with themselves.
However, most find time to be on Facebook. Or to play video games. Or perhaps veg in front of the television for hours on end. Or else a lot of time looking at their devices.
I once made a suggestion to someone who watched TV about four hours a day - but said he didn't have time to work out. And the suggestion was that he cut an hour or two out of that time for the gym. But he said he was "too tired" to do that after working all day.
Some look at distraction as relaxing. But distraction is really just a way to avoid being with ourselves.
A better way to relax might be a walk in the park. Maybe watching a sunset, or clouds drifting by. Maybe talking face-to-face with loved ones.
None of us on our deathbed will say that we wished we'd spent more time watching TV. Or visiting Facebook. Or playing video games. Or being at the office.
Hospice workers say the dying often wished they'd have spent more time with their loved ones.
Something to think about when we say we "don't have time.”
Click here to email John
If we don't relax once in a while we're making a statement. What we're saying is we don't have time to live well. To take care of ourselves. To enjoy life.
Often I'm around those who say they don't have time to work out, to meditate, to eat right, to read a book.
They're busily engaged in the next thing, the newest distraction. Or they stay immersed with work to avoid being present with themselves.
However, most find time to be on Facebook. Or to play video games. Or perhaps veg in front of the television for hours on end. Or else a lot of time looking at their devices.
I once made a suggestion to someone who watched TV about four hours a day - but said he didn't have time to work out. And the suggestion was that he cut an hour or two out of that time for the gym. But he said he was "too tired" to do that after working all day.
Some look at distraction as relaxing. But distraction is really just a way to avoid being with ourselves.
A better way to relax might be a walk in the park. Maybe watching a sunset, or clouds drifting by. Maybe talking face-to-face with loved ones.
None of us on our deathbed will say that we wished we'd spent more time watching TV. Or visiting Facebook. Or playing video games. Or being at the office.
Hospice workers say the dying often wished they'd have spent more time with their loved ones.
Something to think about when we say we "don't have time.”
Click here to email John
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
The Dilemma
The recovering addict's dilemma is that he or she knows how to feel good. And it's easy to get there.
Snort a line. Down a forty. Slam some heroin. Smoke a bowl. Wash down a few pain pills. Ahhhh...
Yes! Instant gratification. Pain is gone. Hurt feelings are no longer there. Problems dissolve without effort.
But even though we know how to change our state we can never again live this way. Not successfully.
Over and over I've worked with those who can't tolerate a small amount of pain or frustration. Instead, they relapse so they can get a moment's respite. But I've never once heard of it ending well.
No one's ever sent me a post card that read "I've started using again and my life is great! I finally figured out how to do it right. Wish you were here."
Instead, we get reports from jails or the streets or hospitals about another addict whose life is a train wreck.
Those of us who stay clean and sober come to realize that life is sometimes painful. Disappointing. Depressing. That it has its ups and downs. We learn to live in the real world.
And while the real world is sometimes a roller of coaster of successes and failures, it's far and away better than where we came from.
Click here to email John
Snort a line. Down a forty. Slam some heroin. Smoke a bowl. Wash down a few pain pills. Ahhhh...
Yes! Instant gratification. Pain is gone. Hurt feelings are no longer there. Problems dissolve without effort.
But even though we know how to change our state we can never again live this way. Not successfully.
Over and over I've worked with those who can't tolerate a small amount of pain or frustration. Instead, they relapse so they can get a moment's respite. But I've never once heard of it ending well.
No one's ever sent me a post card that read "I've started using again and my life is great! I finally figured out how to do it right. Wish you were here."
Instead, we get reports from jails or the streets or hospitals about another addict whose life is a train wreck.
Those of us who stay clean and sober come to realize that life is sometimes painful. Disappointing. Depressing. That it has its ups and downs. We learn to live in the real world.
And while the real world is sometimes a roller of coaster of successes and failures, it's far and away better than where we came from.
Click here to email John
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