Our Choice

When we bring our child home from the hospital it is with joy and gladness in our hearts.

Doe's he look more like me? His dad? His grandfather? We watch every move. to make sure he's covered. Take lots of pictures. We make sure that he keeps his medical appointments. And we're happy when the doctor says our baby is in perfect health.

But the doctor can't see into future. Nor can we. None us were able to see years ahead when this aberration pops up. This disease that takes control of his life - seemingly overnight.

One moment he's like any other kid. Getting decent grades. Playing sports. Chasing girls. The next his grades are falling. The police bring him home one night. He lies about the black eye he got because he didn't pay the connection for the oxies he got on credit.

Then we go into the next phase. We blame ourselves for this change in behavior. We didn't do enough, maybe? Or too much. We did our best? Or did we? Maybe we should have taken him to church, Or moved to another neighborhood.

The guilt and shame and puzzlement piles up. What to do? We've gone through money getting him to treatment and to shrinks. Nothing has helped.

Our health and finances are failing. Yet we still don't have answers. And we don't stop to think about the obvious one: that maybe his addiction is his choice. His fault. After all, we're not Gods. We're only parents. And the inexplicable happens to everyone. Good people and bad people all get ground up equally beneath the wheels of chance.

What to do? We can pray. We can put him on the streets where the rest of the addicts end up. Or we can live in self-condemnation and guilt while still supporting him.

But we must remember that we also have a life to live. And we need to make our choices: guilt and shame about something we can't control - or happiness that we still make choices that are in our own benefit.

It's our choice.

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Forgiving the Mansons

Deborah Tate, the sister of Manson family victim Sharon Tate, told People magazine that she said a prayer for Manson's soul when she heard he'd died in a Bakersfield hospital. She'd previously said that she would pray for Manson and his followers upon their deaths.

Deborah told NBC4 that while she forgives the Manson Family, what they did will remain with her forever. And even though she's forgiven them, she's played an active role in objecting to the release of any of them in front of the California parole board. But forgiveness is one thing, and protecting the public from further harm is another. Which is why she objects to the parole of any of them because she thinks they're still dangerous.

“I’ve forgiven them, but that doesn't mean I’ve forgotten what they did,” she said. “I'll never forget.”

This woman is a good example of forgiveness and of praying for those who harm us. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, she's practicing one of the concepts taught in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous on page 552. And that is learning how praying for two weeks for someone we resent can help us get over that resentment.

In commenting on her forgiveness, I have to admit that even after being sober for over 26 years, I'm not sure I'm as big as she is in that regard. Though I would like to be.

The idea of spending much of our lives being angry at someone or hating someone – no matter what they did – is harmful to our health and sanity. That's why forgiveness makes sense.

It's not about them, it's about us - and our freedom.

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Success at Last

The e-mail surprised me. It was from a former client that many of us didn't expect to see again. When he left us in mid-2007, he had relapsed and some of us didn't think he would survive.

It is not unusual for clients to leave because they have relapsed – and many of them return to try again. But this man's situation was unique. He had lost his kidneys a few years before entering our program. He had previously received a transplant which didn't work. He received dialysis a few times a week during his time at TLC. He struggled with his health and fought the doctor's instructions that he shouldn't drink sodas. To many of us, the idea that someone without kidneys would start using again demonstrated for us the power of our disease.

His e-mail said he had been sober for three years, was in town on vacation, and would like to drop by the office. It was a good visit and he told how his life is going. He lives in another state with his fiancee and will soon graduate from nursing school. He goes to dialysis a few times a week and is on a transplant waiting list for a new kidney.

I asked how he had finally changed and was able to remain sober for over three years. He explained that he started accepting his situation and that made all the difference. He said that once he got into acceptance his life began to change. He accepts the hours-long drudgery of being hooked to a machine. Sometimes he reads, sometimes he studies, sometimes he naps. His life has been working and he is enjoying his sobriety.

It says on page 417 in the literature that “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”

It seems like this former client has successfully incorporated the concept into his life.

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Anxiety

A while back I dealt with a client who had a severe case of anxiety. He had trouble sleeping. He had trouble relaxing. He spent a great deal of time looking into the future, or dwelling in the past.

And like many of the addicts in our program he had the perfect solution for his anxiety: he would bury it with drugs or alcohol until he passed out. The only problem is that he had to wake up the next day and start all over again. This regimen didn't work out very well for him because eventually he lost his job, his marriage, his automobile, and the home that he lived in for seven years.

As I got better acquainted with him I learned that he had been treated poorly as a child. But instead of blaming those who mistreated him, he blamed himself for the bad things that happened to him. And of course that affected his self-worth. When in school he got poor grades. He ended up hanging with other students who had similar experience to his. He had found a clique of drug addicts to whom he could relate and who accepted him just as he was. And because of his association with them he eventually ended up in juvenile hall and then jail. And for the next 20 years he spent a lot of time associating with people like him and ultimately returning to jail or prison.

During my sessions with him I was able to help him understand that he could do nothing about the past. Nor could he really plan a future. But something that he would be able to do that would bring him some happiness and peace was to learn how to live in the moment. It took a while for me to help him understand that the only thing he had control over was this moment. And when he spent his time in the past or the future he was wasting a lot of the brief time that we all have here on earth.

After a while his anxiety went away because he began to grasp the concepts that I was teaching him about living in the moment. Someone taught me that concept a long time ago. And when I'm able to share it with others who begin to use it in their lives I feel like I'm helping someone learn how precious each moment of our life is.

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The cost of Greed

 It's only been within the past year that I've become aware of fraudulent treatment programs taking advantage of our indigent populations.  And the fraud is so massive that much of the money may never be recovered.

The story I heard was that a group from another country perpetrated the fraud, provided zero services, yet collected premium rates for their so-called services.  The real victims here are those who expected treatment  and received nothing.

Hopefully, Arizona authorities will find the perpetrators and give them them the justice they deserve,  After all it's hard enough to provide treatment when circumstances are favorable, let alone when criminals are taking advantage of the system.

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Don't Expect

When I went to Puerto Vallarta last November it was with the idea of having my usual good time enjoying the food, the culture, and the total experience.  But as those who've been following this blog know my life on vacation didn't quite out as planned,  Instead, I slipped and broke my foot when I tripped on a carpet,

It took about a week for me to accept the injury.  But once I accepted my injury guess what happened next; I came down with the flu.  And the next thing that came along was a reoccurrence of atrial flutter.  I finally decided to stop expecting to get better because it wasn't working very well.  And it has, since I've not been expecting to feel better i've have no more ailments.

So the lesson here is to accept whatever comes our way.  We'll be happier.

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Being Sick

For those of you who've followed this blog over the past 25 years, you know that I've rarely called in sick for any reason.  I've broken bones on more than one occasion, had cancer on two occasions, and various other maladies. But this was different. I had a series of things happen.

First, I broke my right foot while working out, five days into my vacation in Mexico. After I was home a week, I came down with a rare urinary tract infection.  That was followed by a serious cold. Then I came down with a case of atrial flutter.  With all that I really felt sick. I was so weak, I could barely stand without a walker.  I just felt like lying around with my foot elevated.

My doctor said I should be back at the office next week.  I hope he's right.

Click here to email John