Happy Birthday!

Oh my God! 74 years old today!

And I ask myself how I feel about getting old? Then I tell myself, "getting old? Hell, you're already old."

Where I'm at is that I'm simply grateful to be alive today. After 38 years of injecting heroin into my body and 42 years of pouring alcohol down my throat I'm happy to have survived.  I'm grateful for:

• 22+ years sober and living the Promises.
• A wife who provides loving attention and meets all of my needs..
• A wonderful job, the same one I've had since January 9, 1992. 
• The group of loving friends and employees who help me achieve my dreams.
• Being healthy enough to put in six days a week and run a few businesses.

So, what will my day look like? First, off to the gym at 4 AM for an hour. Then connect with my office remotely and finish up some paperwork. Somewhere along the way there will be a surprise party. And I know my wife has a couple more gifts for me. She's already bought a nice recliner and several items of furniture for my new office. If history is any indication I'll receive congratulations and text messages throughout the day. There's a package on the way from my children in California.

All nice stuff that reminds me of the blessed life I have today. And it started when I admitted I was an alcoholic and addict January 14, 1991. It’s a great life living sober.

I recommend it for anyone having an issue with alcohol or drugs.

Spoiled

While I'm no expert on parenting (just ask my kids) I believe that most of the young addicts we see in our clinic get there because their parents spoiled them from the time they were very young.

For example, we've had clients whose parents gave them their own condominium. Their own SUV. And a fat allowance. They just wanted to keep the kids out of their lives and to keep them from complaining. Then all of a sudden they realized that they had raised a monster, a drug addict who was stealing everything they could get their hands on.

At that point they call someone like us for help because they don't know what to do.

In a few other instances we've had parents bring us adult children who almost went into shock when they realized that we weren't going to cater to their demands. When they found out their tactics of emotional blackmail and childish anger didn't work they’d threaten to leave. Then they would find that the parents didn't want them back until they had a period of sobriety -plus cut them off financially if they didn't comply.

At that point many of them would reluctantly enter into counseling or therapy, counting the days until they woke up from their nightmare.

While many of these grown-up brats with a sense of entitlement don't succeed, some do. The ones who do get it somehow overcome their bad upbringing and realize they’re responsible for themselves.

While no one has ever asked me for advice on raising children I will offer this: let your children know you love them. But don’t let them think they’re special or unique because they’re not. They’re simply inexperienced human beings who need to be taught how to survive in a competitive world.

 

When we fail to do that they may turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain of reality – and end up hating us in the process.

Drawing a Line

Our policy for 21 years has been to accept any addict or alcoholic who asks for help, whether they have money or not– with a few exceptions.

The exceptions are that we don’t accept sex offenders or arsonists. We don’t accept sex offenders because we don’t know how to help them. And we don’t accept arsonists for the obvious reason that they might burn down our property. In fact in the early days an angry addict tried to torch the Mac House but didn't succeed because he discovered that concrete doesn't burn very well.

But once in a while we add others to that list – those who might pose a danger. In these cases we flag them in the computer in case they try to return to the program.

So we added another to the list last week when we terminated a manager who was stealing client’s prescription drugs along with program funds. After he was fired he loudly threatened – on the phone and in voice mails - to retaliate against those who terminated him.

Up to the point he was fired this fellow seemed fairly bright and mild mannered. But years of being incarcerated and living in the underworld taught me to never underestimate anyone’s capacity to do evil.

And when it comes to protecting those I love – and me – I’ll err on the side of safety and security every time.

Irresponsible?

Sometimes I have mixed feelings about an old friend I'm trying to help, about should I keep helping him.

This comes up for me today because I've been sending money each month to an addict and alcoholic I've known for over 50 years, a former brother-in-law. And I help him because he can't help himself and lives in a nursing home as a result of a stroke he suffered some seven years ago. He has no income other than a meager Social Security check, most of which goes to to the nursing home for his care. I think he ends up with about $30 in his pocket.

So a couple times a month I send him 50 bucks to do with whatever he chooses. And I'm certain he doesn't use the money for toiletries or snacks. I know he uses it to buy vodka, which he takes back to his room to get blasted. Or maybe once in a while he'll buy marijuana or a few pills.

My stance is that it's none of my business what he does with money. Because he's never once in the 52 years I've known him expressed the slightest desire to get sober or do anything else to change his life. He's pretty happy the way he is. And I'm okay with that.

But the other day my daughter – his niece – called to say he was in the hospital because he'd fallen and suffered a concussion. He was in ICU for a few days then returned to the nursing home. The report was that he'd gotten dizzy and fallen on his head. Nothing was said about him being drunk.

Even so, I'll probably talk to my sponsor about providing him with money that I'm sure he uses for drugs and alcohol. I go back and forth in my head with rationalizations like he's going to get drunk or high somehow with somebody's help.

Does it make a lot of difference where he gets the money? Probably not.  But I'm still thinking about it...

Feeling like Royalty

A manager - on vacation in California - sent a text message that said he knows what royalty feels like. Because everywhere he goes in the beach side resort where he's staying the staff addresses him as "mister."

Probably more than anything else this text message outlines what we do here at TLC when we accomplish our mission, which is "We help recovering substance abusers rebuild their lives."

This man has made profound changes since he came to us many years ago. His resume included prison time and a career as a meth user. He had no one who cared about him. On one occasion he took one of our company vehicles on a long joyride with no intention of giving it back. Eventually though his addiction brought him back to us with a new attitude.

This time he was serious. He dug into himself and started working a program. He had a lot of energy that he applied toward positive things. Eventually he worked his way into a responsible job in the corporate office where – of all things – he's now working in the accounting department.

Today he has a lovely family including two young children who've never seen him use drugs or alcohol. He has a decent apartment, and is currently looking for a home closer to our corporate office.

It's always rewarding to those of us on the Board of Directors and those of us who participated in the development of this project over the past 21 years to see how some people have changed. Many thousands more have not enjoyed the benefits that this man has only because they are not ready.

But we don't concern ourselves about those who don't make it. We just do our best to keep the doors open for those who do want to return.

A Dog's Life...

In reflection, I think our two Chihuahuas, Jose and Lucy, are much smarter than the rest of us. Because they live lifestyles many of us addicts don't enjoy – even in the drug induced fantasies from days past.

After all, neither one works. They don't have credit cards. They sleep 14 or 15 hours a day. We serve them the best dog food, prescribed by the veterinarian, twice a day in nice little porcelain dishes. They live in a 2000 square-foot house, but pay no mortgage or rent. Or utilities. They have a large play area. Swimming pool. Fluffy pillows. Big screen TV.

José, the fattest of the two, has been hooked on pain drugs for a few years because he has a pancreas condition. So every night I get to watch him nod out in front of the TV around 9 o'clock. He's not thinking about quitting.

Every few weeks they visit the doggy day spa for a bath and nail trim, coming home smelling like lavender.

They teach me valuable lessons though. One Is how to be transparent. For example, my dog Jose, who I have owned since 2005, decided after my wife moved in that he liked her much better than me. And the other dog, Lucy agrees with him. They don't even pretend.

Now I understand why they would rather hang out with my beautiful wife rather than me. Still, the addict part of me developed a small resentment about how they so easily cut me loose. However, this is not something I've brought to my sponsor.

The other thing they teach is how to do a 10th step. Sometimes these two will be playing and one will bite the other too hard. Or else they'll be scuffling over a morsel of food or a treat and find themselves growling and snarling. But before long – much faster than I could after someone bit me hard – they've made amends and are playing again as if nothing ever happened.

They live a happy life without much effort. Something I’m still trying to figure out.

Making Mistakes

“People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered; forgive them anyway.” Mother Teresa

Over the years at TLC we've tried to help clients in recovery by training them as managers. By doing this we allow them to work in a safe environment where they give back.

In probably 90% of the instances this procedure has worked well. Those we help generally reward us by being loyal employees. Some have developed the confidence to go out and pursue a career. Or else go to school. Maybe start their own business. And some simply stay with TLC; a few have been here for more than a decade. And those who have been here that long have been rewarded by being able to have homes and secure jobs – and most important: to remain sober and clean.

But once in a while I make mistakes. And that happened a year ago when I tried to help a client I thought had potential.  He was bright and educated, with an advanced degree. Plus, I believed he had a fire for change. So I tried to mentor him.

For a while things went well. Because he lacked skills in dealing with clients I tried to teach him. I encouraged him to care for his health and lose weight. In some areas he did well. And in others it seemed that it was going to take a lot of work for him to change.

In any event, he finally worked his way into an area where he had trust and responsibility. And that's when I learned I’d made a serious mistake. Within a short time I found he not only was getting high, but was also stealing. And lying. And having inappropriate relationships with clients. The list goes on.

Today we’re repairing the damage, trying to get things back to normal.  Which we will.

And did I learn anything from this? Probably not a lot. Just a reaffirmation that sometimes people aren’t ready.

But I remain an eternal optimist who has faith in people's ability to change.  So I’m already looking for someone to fill his spot.