Powerless?

The subject of powerlessness came up at a meeting yesterday.

And I thought it interesting that we alcoholics believe we have any kind of power.

I performed a lot of important tasks while using. I ran the government. The CIA. The economy. A few wars. Fortune 500 companies. Most everything, including the lives of those around me.

But the reality was that I couldn't control my own life. I was so in control that I ended up in jails, prisons, and mental institutions. I lost everything over and over. Jobs. relationships, homes, businesses – all of it.

A major breakthrough in my life was when I admitted I was powerless. A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. All of a sudden I was able to focus on one thing: staying clean and sober.

There was a great sense of relief when I lost the illusion that I had power, that I was in control.

Instead I found gratitude that I was a lucky survivor - one of those made it to the safe haven of recovery.

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Being Fortunate

I spent a few days this week revisiting my past when a relative came to visit from my hometown in California.

It was wonderful to spend time with a family member. And her visit reminded of how fortunate I was to have moved to Arizona over 30 years ago.

The people I knew - those still alive - are doing the same things they were when I left in 1982.

Some are slinging dope. Others are fighting criminal cases or Federal indictments. A few are serving so much time they'll rot behind bars. Some are living on the streets.

And I know that if I hadn't left there I wouldn't be alive. I'd have remained immersed in the drug culture underworld I grew up in. I knew too many people.

Somehow God and fortune smiled upon me though. I got off the bus in Phoenix in July of 1982 with $300 in my pocket. I didn't know a soul, but was still able to find drugs and alcohol. But it was never the same.

Even though it took me another nine years to get sober, I never sunk to the level I was at in California. I made a few half-assed runs at recovery. Until I finally had enough pain to want to change.

And since I made that decision I've been in recovery ever since - almost 25 years.

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Angry Clients

In the halfway house business one must have thick skin, like a rhinoceros.

When clients get discharged from TLC they're likely say to anything to deflect blame for their lack of success.

They'll call the city, the state, or the county. And tell them most anything to have inspectors come to our properties. We have bugs. We serve rotten food. Toilets don't flush. We've come to expect it. In fact, we welcome it, because it makes better operators. It keeps us on our toes.

But sometimes we come under even more slanderous, personal attacks. A few years ago a client who left said he and I were using heroin together. A quick drug test proved that to be a lie.

And one I hadn't heard before popped up a few days ago. A client who was with us in 2007 told another halfway house operator that she and I were recently having an affair. She even had a story about a two day trip she and I took to Las Vegas. The only thing is, it never happened.

Not only did it not happen - I wouldn't recognize this person if she walked into the room right now.

There are things I don't do today. I don't drink or use drugs. And I don't cheat on the woman I love.

And, in spite of everything, I’ll continue to help addicts get clean and sober.  Both the grateful and the ungrateful.

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Making Changes

I meet with clients, mostly young, whose lives are a constant war zone. But the war is rarely with anyone or anything else. The war is an internal one. It's with themselves.

They want to be here. They don't want to be here. They want to quit drugs, except for smoking pot. They want a job, but they don't want to look very hard to get one. They want to work out, but somehow can't get to the gymnasium.

The both love and hate themselves at the same time because they're stuck and doing nothing.

How do we help those who are in a constant battle with themselves?

My usual suggestion is that they commit to something positive. Nothing big, just something to get them started.

If they want to get sober they must abstain from everything, including pot. But not for the the rest of their lives. Just for today, a day a time.

If they want to get fit start out light. Take a walk. Do a few push-ups and sit-ups.  Don't get sore.

To find a job, start out by investigating the employment market. Practice on-line making a resume. Think about your skills, what kind of job might motivate you to wake up in the morning.

We addicts often suffer from black and white thinking. If the first thing we try doesn't work we give up because we think we failed.

But when we take challenges and life in smaller chunks we're more likely to succeed. And this small success can help us feel better about ourselves.

We may even find peace.

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Judgment

"Love is the absence of judgment." Dalai Lama

I often find myself being judgmental. Not just of others. But also of myself.

And, I ask myself where this comes from? Part of it might be my family upbringing. I had a large family, seven aunts and uncles. And it was a pastime - when I was a kid - for everyone to sit around and talk crap about each other.

There was never anything right about anyone. They either made too much money. Or thought they were better than. They were ugly. Fat. Or stupid. They didn't know how to live or, for that matter, do anything else right. The list would fill an encyclopedia.

Even though that was the atmosphere I grew up in, I like to think of myself as above that stuff. That I've grown beyond. But somehow, like weeds popping up in a garden, judgments intrude in my life. It takes no effort on my part; they just appear.

I stop this immediately as soon as I catch myself. The remedy is always acceptance. Whether I'm judging others or myself, acceptance immediately stops me.

My goal in life is to not waste my time on anything negative. And judgment of self or others is the ultimate waste.

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Predicting

Twenty some years ago I'd predict whether a client would stay clean. Whether they'd be able to make it in recovery.

I'm not sure it was a conscious habit. More of an unconscious judgmental thing that would randomly pop up.

I recall a man who came into our program years back with all the ingredients for success. Sharp. Well-spoken. A lot of sales skills. When I met him I just knew he'd get his stuff back together and and resume his business career. He even worked for us for awhile and did well..

But one day he relapsed and went off the radar. Then he showed up again and started over. He kept this cycle up for a few years, until the last time he left. We later got a message that he'd been found dead in an empty lot.

We've had more than one client with formal education in psychology and addiction. Maybe as many as half-a-dozen. Though I thought they'd do well, none seemed to last long. Even though they might put together a few years, their cravings would overwhelm them. And we'd hear they went back out.

And I bring this up because a few days ago I walked into a business to make a purchase.

As I started to pay the clerk said, "You don't remember me, do you?"

And while the person looked familiar, I wasn't sure where I knew him from. Then he told me his name and it all came together.

Needless to say I was surprised and pleased. Because this was a person who, the last time I saw him, couldn't carry on a coherent conversation. He made little sense at all. He was back and forth at the program a few times, but we didn't think he was in the right place. And he eventually left.

And now, here he was a few years later, functioning at a high level, helping customers in a retail establishment - seemingly a different human being.

And that's why today I don't make predictions about outcomes. Because we never know who'll hear the message and put it to use.

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More about Stress

Something I read during the past few weeks keeps coming up for me. And it was this: that most of the stress in our lives comes from other people.

Now I'm not sure how true that statement is. But for some reason it keeps resonating with me. And when things keep running through my head like a gerbil on a wheel I start paying attention.

After all, even though I like to follow politics, it's not stressful. Yeah, I have my favorites of who I'd like to see win the presidency. But it doesn't keep me awake at night. And that's because no matter who's president there's little change in my life.

Even the world situation, with all the wars going on, doesn't create stress for me. Since I was a child there have been dozens of conflicts going on. Sadly, I think I've become inured to the violence in the world.

But now the people I deal with each day, that's a different story. In the addiction field we deal with a lot of different personalities. Many of them have conflicting interests. Some are in a lot of emotional pain, mostly self-inflicted.

And when dealing with human lives we have greater responsibility. It can be frustrating to come up with answers for every situation. To help everyone who comes through the doors. And often we aren't able to.

And because we're compassionate and caring that powerlessness can sometimes weigh on us. And that's when we have to recognize when we're getting overloaded and take a deep breath.

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