Old Memories

On Friday, September 5, 1958, I was sentenced to six months to 10 years in California State Prison for possession of heroin. And I was reminded of this because today is September 5, 2020. And that was so long ago it seems like almost a bad dream today. And on September 8, 1958, I was delivered in leg irons to a prison reception center at Chino, California.

At the reception center I spent about six weeks undergoing psychological and physical tests to see where I would fit best in California's extensive prison system. I was subjected to the Minnesota multi-phasic personality inventory and also a few other tests that I don't recall the names of. Finally, it was determined that I was a "young, trainable adult." And that meant that I would be sent to a vocational institution for education and training before I returned to society. But because they didn't have any open beds at that 2400 hundred bed institution I would be housed at San Quentin prison near San Francisco. I would remain at that prison until there was an opening at the vocational facility, which was located near Tracy, California. So at 19 years old, an age when I knew everything, I found myself unceremoniously dumped in front of the huge gates at the front of San Quentin

All of this comes up today because for some reason I was asking myself what happened on September 5 and September 8 eight a number of years ago? And it took me a while to dredge up the fact that that's when I got sentenced and delivered to prison for the first time. But at the time, those are two dates I thought I would never forget because it was sort of traumatic to go to prison for the first time – and for such a minor offense as possession of a small amount of heroin.

Looking back at my life some 60+ years later I would have never dreamed that I have the life that I enjoy today. While it took me some 30 more years to get off of drugs and alcohol and out of the criminal justice system it somehow seems like it was all worth it. Of course a person can get a lot of education and build a business without having to be incarcerated or addicted to anything. But I was a person who always had a hardhead and like to do things my way. It was only until drugs and alcohol beat me down and put me on the streets that I finally surrendered.

I knew that if I didn't get sober and start living like other so-called normal people that I would end up either dead, in an institution, or back in prison. I chose the path of sobriety and recovery. And have never looked back. I had no expectations about what my life was gonna look like after I got clean and sober but things have turned out much better than I imagined.

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Biting the Hand

TLC doesn't often have clients or volunteers stealing from us. Although there have been a few noteworthy exceptions.

I remember one time when I called the manager of our Las Vegas facility. It was on a Saturday morning and he hadn't reported any collections from the night before. So I called to ask him about it.

"Well," he said, "the reason I didn't call any collections in is because I have the collection bag sitting beside me in the bar where I'm having a beer. Plus I used some of the money to buy some crack and I'm about ready to go back and buy some more."

"Wait right there" I told him. "We're on our way." And after I hung up the phone I called my chief operating officer and told him we needed to make a quick flight to Las Vegas.. It was two more days before we found him. He didn't have any money left. But he did have our company pickup, which we took possession of.

Another time, a client stole one of our company vans and drove to California to visit Universal Studios. I think he also stole some of our money to to cover his expenses on the trip.

And the reason I bring this up is because we discovered, during an audit this week, that one of our volunteers had been stealing from us for about three years. Now not a lot of money was taken. But that isn't the point.

The point is that we run a recovery program. And one of the precepts of a recovery program is people learn to be honest and not steal or do other things that would cause them to want to relapse. When we first confronted this person about stealing from our business it was vigorously denied.  The person claimed that it must've been a "memory lapse," or that they "forgot" to make an entry or pay for the personal items that were on the receipt.

In each of these cases we dealt with the clients with a great deal of compassion. In a couple of the cases we discharged them.  Then let them back into the program later. In fact, today one of them has a position of great responsibility and handles a lot of money at times. He's turned out to be one of our most reliable volunteers. And we do this because we know that it takes addicts a while to get honest and to work a good program. And it might save their lives

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Anger

 "You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger." Buddha

I was thinking about anger last Saturday when I was very frustrated. I had awakened early because I had a couple of appointments to attend to.

Normally, the first thing I do when I wake is meditate for 30 minutes. Then I turn on my cell phone to see if I have any calls or text messages that I must respond to right away. But when I turned on my iPhone, the Apple symbol showed up on the screen and the phone froze right there. I tried all the methods I've used before but I couldn't get anywhere with it. It was stuck right there and and I couldn't do anything to change it.

Since it was still early in the morning – around 6:45 AM – I knew I wouldn't be able to get the phone repaired until the phone store opened. But I I got on my computer anyway and found the closest store and sure enough, it didn't open until 10 AM.

So wanting to make the best of the situation rather than waste time waiting for the store to open, I logged into my office computer remotely, planning to do some accounting. However, for some reason my accounting program had disappeared from my desktop. And after looking for a while I had no luck in finding it. Nor could I find it on my home office computer.

Aware that I was becoming quite frustrated with the way my day was starting off, I made a commitment to not become angry although every cell in my body was crying out for me to smash something. Maybe my computer. Or maybe kick a hole in the wall. Something destructive. But I didn't react that way.

And I didn't because I realized a long time ago in my early sobriety that anger was my default emotion. And the anger I indulged in never got me anywhere. And when I was done being angry I still had the same problem facing me. At some point I realized that I no longer wanted to spend one second of my precious time engaging in anger over anything. We only have so much time on this planet and I believe that it's a total waste of those precious minutes to engage in anger - no matter what is going on.

Now I realize that it's superhuman to never get angry about anything. That it's just not natural to not get passed off once in a while. But with practice I learned that I can become more aware of my emotions and realize that I don't have to go there – and in particular - I don't have to stay there.

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RIP Art B.

 It's very unusual for TLC to experience two clients passing away in one week. I don't think it's happened before. Although, technically, the first one who passed away was a former client, as he had already moved out of TLC into his own apartment.

Two days ago, Art B. a client of many years, failed to show up for his volunteer job on the paint crew. Because he was quite responsible and always showed up to the project, his supervisor became alarmed and went to his apartment. His pickup was still parked outside of his window and he didn't respond to knocks on the door. Once our people gained entry they found that he had passed away during the night.

Art had many friends at TLC. And I was one of them. But I wasn't surprised at his early demise at 60 years old. When he returned the last time – a few years ago – it was after his wife died of alcoholism. And one of the things she told him before she passed was that she wanted him to return to TLC. Which he ultimately did.

But he loved his wife and he never got over his grieving for her. He told more than one person about how much he missed her and how he'd like to be with her. He was often depressed over her passing and it showed in his demeanor.

However, he died sober and I'm sure that is something both he and his wife would have been happy about.

May you rest in peace Art; all of us here at TLC will miss you and wish you well on the next path of your journey.

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RIP Steve A.

Over the weekend we got news of a client who passed away. Steve A. had been with us several times over the past few years, and had many friends at Transitional Living Communities.

Steve was a larger-than-life personality. He always had a smile that lit up any room he walked into and he always radiated positivity and energy whenever you were in his presence. He worked in pharmaceutical sales for many years, a perfect career for someone with his personality.

He also was a talented piano player and singer and spent much of his time on his keyboard recording and creating music. While at TLC he had turned out more than one Christmas album. He reportedly also worked as a studio musician and was part of a band whose members were in the medical field.

In his last year at TLC he volunteered as a salesperson for TLC Refrigeration and Air Conditioning, and was quite adept at securing contracts for the company.

During his last stay with us he developed medical problems that put him in the hospital at various times, including a condition that caused him to have blood clots in his legs.

One of his obsessions was playing golf. And when he left suddenly a few months back it was said that he rented a condominium on the edge of a golf course where he could play on a regular basis.

No one I know told me what he died from. But because he was with us because of issues with alcohol I have little doubt that alcohol was somehow connected with his untimely death. At this point it doesn't make a lot of difference what he died from because he is now on a different path. But experience has taught me over the last 29 years that middle-aged people his age don't die for no reason.

We'll all miss you Steve. Rest in peace and go with God.

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Gratitude

On my gratitude list today is how well our staff has dealt with the pandemic.  And as evidence of what a good job they've done, we simply can look at our population of more than 600 residents.

Out of that population we have had only 12 clients put on quarantine.  And none of them ended up in the hospital.  Most were on quarantine for two weeks; one even spent 28 days at home.

They complied with the recommended guidelines and wore masks and practiced social distancing as much as posssible.  Did everyone comply 100%?  

Of course not.  But they washed their hands, distanced themselves, sanitized living areas, and took extra steps to comply with health department guidelines.

About half of our corporate office volunteers were able to work from home.  And those that needed to be at the office went home as soon as they finished their projects. Most were gone by midday. 

As I said at the beginning I'm grateful for the way our people stepped up and looked out for one another.

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Meditation

The first thing I do each morning is meditate for half an hour.  It's something I've been doing for the past 25 years of my recovery.

Why did I start doing it?  Because in the 12-steps there's line that says "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God..."

Now I've known how to pray since I was a child.  I was in church every weekend and sometimes in the middle of the week.  We did a lot of praying out in the Oregon countryside where I lived for seven years as a boy.

But I never saw anyone meditating that I know of.  I didn't even know what the word meant.  And when I joined AA I still didn't know.

So I joined a Trancendental Meditation group and learned how to meditate.  I practiced that discipline up until about six years ago when I switched to Vipassana meditation.  Eventually I took a year-long course and became certified as a meditation instructor.  Finally I knew what meditation was about and it was much simpler than I thought.  So simple that I'll share it with you here.

Find a quiet place to sit, either on a cushion or chair.  Close your eyes and focus on your breath as it goes in and out of your nostrils.  As you breathe you'll find that your mind will wander to the thoughts crossing your mind.  Simply observe the thoughts and let them pass.  Don't judge them, simply accept them and let them pass.

Then return to observe your breath.  It's that simple.  No goal, no expectation.   There's no good meditation.  No bad meditation.  So don't judge yourself.  Accept what you see in your thoughts.

It is its own reward.

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