Another Graduate

Last night I witnessed one of the miracles of our program. A longtime resident, a Hard Six client, graduated from the 18 month program last night at our Roosevelt facility.

I use the term "miracle" because at one time his chances for successfully completing anything seemed dim. During aftercare groups he'd sit, arms crossed defensively across his chest, red-faced, looking at the floor and not saying much. When he did express himself, he was a volcano of anger, spewing frustration. His emotions were predictable: anger, frustration, denial, always looking at someone else as the source of his problems.

But over time, because he didn't run away and drink again, this man began healing. Where at one time he was on serious medication to control his mood, he eventually weaned himself off of medication. While this is not something we get involved with or recommend - his decision to get off of the medication seemed to have a salutary effect upon his behavior and his recovery.

In time he became the manager of one of our outlying facilities and works at that job today. Is he now a totally rational human being? Is he a man who has it all together? Does he always make the right decisions? Of course not. At times he's still a pain in the butt. But he's an example of the kind of changes we like to see in TLC clients.

I often mention in aftercare groups that it took most of us years to screw up our lives to the point where we came to a halfway house. So the idea that, all of a sudden, we undergo a dramatic change and become "normal" is unreasonable. For many of us it took years to get into the totally demoralized mess that we became before we arrived here. Therefore, it is fantasy to expect that a few months' sobriety will reverse the damage.

But when clients stick around a while, and make reasonable efforts to change, we get to see them graduate.

Dilemma? Or Non-Issue?

Sometimes there are no easy answers when dealing with recovering addicts and alcoholics. Most who come to TLC stick around for a while, until they get their lives together, then move on. But others stay for a few years, sometimes as long as 10 years. This is a dilemma because our mission is to help people rebuild their lives. And while it's not stated in our mission – part of rebuilding would seem to mean returning to society and becoming a productive citizen. After all, "Transitional" is part of our name.

But some of those who come to get sober stay for years, sometimes up to 10 years. Many who stay this long are older and have no family or friends. In essence, we become a surrogate family. While they stay sober, stay out of jail and don't revert to drinking or drugging they often seem to be stuck in their recovery. They don't attend a lot of meetings. They spend much of their free time watching TV, playing video games, or reading. Many are isolated in their apartments or rooms and don't seem to want to do much else.

And for me this is where the conflict comes in. These men – and it's always the men – aren't breaking our rules or guidelines. We have no upper limit on how long people can stay at TLC. Most of those in this category are useful to the program; in fact many are employees. And several say they've never been happier in their lives. Is this a situation where we’re trying to micromanage people’s lives? After all, isn't being happy what it's all about? Who are we to say that one-size-fits-all? If they're happy and staying sober isn't that enough?

Most of us on the staff don't believe we should ask these people to move on. But some of us think they should want to do something more with their lives. To enjoy the fruits of sobriety is what it's all about. What do we do in these situations? Do we asked them to leave? And maybe expose them to drinking and drugging once again? This likely won't happen.

As I said in the open paragraph, sometimes there are no easy answers.

I Want It My Way

When new clients come to TLC, beat down, homeless and hungry, they usually say they’re willing to do whatever it takes to change. But after they're here a few weeks they sometimes lose that willingness.

We had an example of that this week with some clients who'd been with us for a few months without paying service fees. It’s not uncommon for clients to owe us money, sometimes more than a thousand dollars before they finally find work and begin to pay service fees. In the case of these clients, they’d been working on labor tickets. And while they still owed TLC for several weeks of residency, they were working and chipping away at their back balances. But then all of a sudden things changed.

One of those who'd been working on a regular labor ticket decided he didn't want to to work that day;he wanted to look for another job. However, a rule at TLC is when clients owe a back balance they must work the job we provide until their service fees are zero. While we understand people want to find their own jobs, the more important factor to us is for clients to pay back service fees before they seek different employment. Because what happens when people get a new job is it takes two to three weeks for them to get paid and start taking care of their responsibilities.

Often have clients claim that "it's all about the money." And, of course, we've heard this for years. But what many people don't understand or care about is that TLC is a nonprofit corporation that receives no funding. We are a self-supporting organization; one that has barely broken even over the past three years. So when someone says "it's all about the money" they are right in the sense that we need to collect what they owe us in order to continue operating.

What many unhappy clients don't look at it is that TLC is one of the few organizations where one can get help for drug or alcohol problems without having money or insurance. However, once they recover from their initial demoralization, the ego comes back into play and they once more are in charge of their lives.

Our disease is so strong that within a few weeks – after being homeless, jobless, demoralized and hungry - we can be back in charge. And maybe ready to pick up another drink or drug if we don't get our way.

Bad Sponsor?

I counsel our clients to be cautious when picking a sponsor, the person who'll help guide them through the steps and help them work on their sobriety. We recently had an example of what happens when someone picks the wrong sponsor.

An angry and resentful client, who’d been with us for many months, recently left the program on her sponsor’s advice. Not only did her sponsor advise her to leave, she referred her to another program that doesn't offer as many services as TLC – nor does it have the same restrictions. While we're not sure what the sponsor's rationale was for recommending she leave, this is advice that goes beyond sponsor – sponsee relationships in my opinion.

Central Office literature describes the sponsor-sponsee relationship as that of a friend and also a guide through the steps. On many occasions though, I've seen sponsors set themselves up as demigods, authorities on everything under the sun. I've heard sponsors tell people where they need to work, where they should live, and how they need to manage the minutest details of their lives. I even heard of a sponsor in Arizona who advised his sponsee to get off of psychiatric medications – with tragic results.

While I believe a sponsor can give advice to a sponsee the about different aspects of his life, I believe think it should be pointed out that the decision is really up to the sponsee. After all, in some cases there is an imbalance in the relationship because the sponsor has an inordinate amount of power over the sponsee. I believe that in the presence of a powerful personality who has been sober for years, a sponsee might believe the sponsor has great advice about everything in the world - far beyond the realm of recovery.

The sponsor who took our client is no longer welcome on TLC property. Nor is she allowed to sponsor TLC clients.

Giving Back

I was talking to a client after the 12-step meeting this morning, a man who'd been with us for nearly three months. He was doing well and we had a good conversation about his progress. Later, I realized this was the first time I'd talked this man where he hadn't asked me for something or where he hadn't told me all his problems.

Instead, he shared an experience he'd had with a coworker the day before. The coworker had wanted to go drink all day but this client kept intervening to help him resist. This was a good experience for me; really what our program is all about. When clients first come it's all about me me, me, me. They're always taking their emotional temperature and think that what they're feeling is the most important thing in the world. And this man was no different. He'd come from a life of drinking for many years and only came to us when he was pretty much homeless.

And now, all of a sudden his focus is on helping another alcoholic change his life. This is the essence of what we do. Once we stop being totally focused on ourselves and start thinking about others then we've gone into another phase of sobriety, in my opinion.

This man has received a lot of attention from us over the past six months, more than normal really because he has a big family that likes to frequently check on his progress. To see him finally blossom, and to start carrying the message to others is better than any paycheck.

Different Drama

Operating a 700 bed recovery program presents regular challenges. However, most of these are predictable and fall into a few categories. Someone doesn't like her roommate. Client decides he doesn't want to work and pay service fees. Managers want to change the way the program works, and start doing things their own way. Or a clerk starts stealing from one of our in-house stores. There's never a lack of drama, but most of it's pretty routine stuff.

However this week we ran into something that we hadn't experienced before. We had a local employer who has 10 to 12 of our clients to working in his furniture factory. It seemed to be a good job and some clients reported that they “loved” working there.

However last week things changed. Some of the women who worked at the factory said a male manager was sexually harassing them. Because many of them are on parole and don't have a great work history they had a tough time finding work and were afraid to complain. However, a few finally did and we made a call to the company owner.

At first he was angry and defensive and denied that anything like that was occurring in his business. He said the man in question was a great employee, one who took a lot of work off of him. He said the girls who were complaining could "pick up their checks on payday" and not return. After a while though, he calmed down and agreed to look into the situation.

By the end of the day we heard a report from our clients that the offending manager had been fired. Apparently the owner had looked into the situation and realized it was in his best interests to protect himself from liability.

Just another day in the recovery business, but this time at least the drama was something different.

Opportunity to Help

"I have a friend who's in recovery," the woman on the phone told me. And then she went on to tell me that this person had been in recovery for a while and was having a difficult time with the program. He found the meetings boring and wished there were more social activities connected with them.

I told her there were hundreds of meetings in the Valley each day. And many offered social activities of various kinds. He just needed to find the right meeting, one where he could meet people and get involved.

"Have your friend give me a call," I told her. "I'll be glad to talk to him."

This is a scenario that plays out often. I'll be in the middle of a business call, as I was with this woman, and the conversation will digress into someone she or he knows who has a substance abuse problem. And of course that’s my opportunity to help.

Since about 20 percent of the population has a problem with substance abuse it’s not strange that I would be having these conversations with people in the course of business. Once people find out what we do at TLC they often bring up a relative or friend who has a problem with drugs or alcohol. And from there, of course, we segue into what they can do the problem.

Opportunities to do 12-step work show up all the time.