No Joke

A friend sent a text, upset because someone commented on Facebook about TLC being "a joke."  I told my friend to chill, that we get a lot of negative comments about TLC. We hear them all the time. Sometimes we hear them in 12 step meetings. Sometimes we hear them from clients. They come from all over, more than we can count.

Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. After all, there are things I don't like about TLC. I wish we had new buildings, sitting on lovely beach somewhere. I wish we had a $20 zillion dollar a year budget. Nothing would be nicer than to have a medical staff and a fleet of limos for our clients. Maybe gourmet cooks to serve meals. And it would be nice to give our clients an allowance and a program where they didn't have to work. Perhaps we could also be more tolerant when they relapse and not discharge them.

The reality is we have old buildings that require constant maintenance. We serve a mostly homeless population that has little or no resources. We receive no government or private funding - subsisting solely on income from our businesses and client service fees. The 60 volunteers on our staff are recovering addicts, with little training. Much of our food is donated. Key people in the office haven't been paid for nearly a year, yet they keep working to help others rebuild their lives.

In other words, we’re recovering addicts who are trying to help others stay clean and sober and make it through life ourselves. Like all humans we do things imperfectly, and we respect the rights of others to be as critical as they want. 

But we’re still clean and sober today.

R.I.P.

A client living at our Apache Junction house was found dead by the side of the road a few days ago – an apparent victim of our disease. When police asked our manager to identify his body he was told the blood alcohol level was over 4.0. The man, in his mid-twenties, had been in the program for only a few weeks before he disappeared.

Even though we focus on our many success stories, the sad reality is that many of us in recovery fulfill the forecast from the literature: “jails, institutions, or death.”  The tragedy is that this man could have joined those of us who’ve enjoyed years of recovery had he followed the guidelines of the 12-steps. His passing illustrates the “cunning, baffling, and powerful” aspect of our disease.  He woke up sober, yet didn’t live through the night.

Perhaps the only benefit we can derive from this man’s death is to see the reality that faces those of us in recovery if we don’t use the tools we been given in the rooms.

May he rest in peace – and may the rest of us be reminded of what we face.

Tranparency Works

A client on parole was confronted in group about losing his job - then lying about it for a week. Rather than tell his house manager, he deceived everyone. He would leave at 7:00 a.m. for the bus stop. He’d then return in the afternoon and share with his roommates about his “rough day” at work.

 His deception was discovered when one of our drivers spotted him at the library in the middle of the day.  He admitted he’d quit his job a week earlier because co-workers started offering him drugs after they learned he was on parole. In addition, one of them also presented him the opportunity to sell drugs. He said the whole situation panicked him because he was afraid to return to prison.

The man’s parole officer was about to return his to prison for lying, but our manager talked him out of it. Instead, he’s being allowed to seek new employment, continue on parole, and live in relative freedom in our recovery program.

But this scenario illustrates how fear and lying gets addicts in trouble. This client later agreed he should have talked to staff immediately about what was going on. But fear held him back.

In hindsight, he realized that our staff would've supported his decision to quit. After all, our mission is to help recovering addicts rebuild their lives. And it’s tough for someone to work on recovery while in the midst of drug users and dealers.

Trust God

            “Trust God, clean house, help others.”

Some say these six words are the short form of the 12-steps of recovery. So how do I work this phrase into my own life?

Probably “trust God” is the most difficult. And it’s not that I don’t believe a divine force effortlessly manages our universe. My problem, as always, is my powerful addiction and an ego that says I run everything and blah, blah, blah and so on. But as soon as I morph back to humility, I see God’s fingerprints everywhere.

I see it in the workings of TLC, how our unfunded 750 bed program survives government lawsuits, money and management problems. I see God in the lives of the hopeless angry addicts who come to us - then graduate with a new future.  I see Him in my own recovery, how I’ve managed to live a fairly healthy 20+ years of recovery while being challenged with hepatitis c and neuropathy, the results of 40 some years of alcohol and heroin addiction.

As to “clean house,” I do that in steps four through ten.  There’s no mystery here. The instructions are clear, an action guide that lets us clear the trash from our lives and make amends to those we’ve harmed. Ten is especially helpful because I can go through my day without accumulating new stuff simply by admitting when I'm wrong.

But the real reward is when we can “help others.” I believe there’s no greater blessing, no more wonderful reward in sobriety than when we can be a positive influence in the world – which means carrying the message to those who still suffer.

Partial Amends?

I received an amends letter last month from someone who’d relapsed a few years ago and had recently returned to the 12-step program.

It was a long letter of apology and remorse, explaining how he valued our relationship and was sorry he’d let me down.  He also said his sponsor had taken him through all the steps and that it felt good to be attending meetings and working the steps – something he hadn’t done before.

However, notably missing from his amends letter was mention of the large sum of money he owes me.  A few years before he relapsed he’d borrowed money for a family emergency, saying he’d return it when business improved. Because I’d seen him repay large obligations to others, I didn’t hesitate to help. However, after that there was no mention of plans to repay, even though I would have accepted monthly payments until he got the whole amount together.  And - because it had been so long - I’d pretty much written off the loan.

I told my sponsor I’d thanked the man for the amends letter without reminding him that he owes me money. My sponsor said that was probably the best approach because the man likely doesn’t have the funds – but may pay me later as he grows in sobriety. He said that getting honest sometimes happens slowly and that I should pray this man enjoys the same blessings in life that I enjoy.

I'll try that.

Risk in Relationships

An aftercare client is unwilling to get into close relationships because he’s afraid of being vulnerable.

            “How can you trust people? he asked. “When they’re going to hurt you?”

            “Trust people to be people,” the facilitator told him. “Be genuine. Some will hurt you. That’s a risk of being human. When we trust others we might be hurt. But we might also experience a lot of joy.”

The facilitator said that without taking risks we’re isolated, have no friends, never experience intimacy and love. He described becoming vulnerable as a precursor to developing relationships.

What this client expressed comes up at 12-step meetings. Addicts remember how the first fix or drink allowed them – for the first time in their lives – to relate without fear. They weren’t vulnerable.  They could dance, be charming with the opposite sex. They were “part of” for the first time. And most pursued this magical feeling, this elixir that let them become part of the world, until it betrayed them and brought them crashing down.

Which brings us to the question: how do we addicts allow ourselves to be vulnerable in relationships without the anesthetic effects of drugs or alcohol?  How do we do it sober?

My idea is to practice. We become transparent. We drop our defenses. When we enter a relationship – romantic or platonic – we tell the other person we feel vulnerable, exposed, that we fear getting hurt. My experience is that this openness, this genuine honesty shows them we’re for real.

We all find that attractive.

Use All Our Resources

At our job center the other day some new clients were grumbling about the difficulty of finding work. One needed bus fare. Another didn’t have the right clothes for a job search. Still another had an arrest record that kept him from finding work. The list went on and on.

Finally, the manager spoke. 

            “How many of you let anything stop you when you looked for drugs or alcohol? If you didn’t have a ride to the dope house, you walked or hitchhiked. If you didn’t have money for drugs or alcohol, you borrowed or stole some. You didn’t let anything stop you when you were trying to ruin your life. Now that you’re trying to get sober, you've got a lot of excuses.”

Several in the group got the point right away. And the tone of the meeting shifted to the positive. The manager had suggestions.  The first was that they ask for what they need. If they don’t have appropriate interview clothing, ask the manager for a voucher. If they don’t have bus fare see if house funds are available to buy tickets. If an arrest record is an impediment, we have a long list of employers who hire ex-felons.

But the manager had it right. Many of us, myself included, never let anything slow us down while we were on the road to destruction. Our disease took everything. This often included our relationships, our jobs, our health - even our freedom.

To succeed in recovery we must make positive use of the same skill and determination we used to find drugs, that we used to survive in the streets or jails. After all, if our goal is to rebuild our lives we use every available resource to become what God intended us to be.