Risk in Relationships

An aftercare client is unwilling to get into close relationships because he’s afraid of being vulnerable.

            “How can you trust people? he asked. “When they’re going to hurt you?”

            “Trust people to be people,” the facilitator told him. “Be genuine. Some will hurt you. That’s a risk of being human. When we trust others we might be hurt. But we might also experience a lot of joy.”

The facilitator said that without taking risks we’re isolated, have no friends, never experience intimacy and love. He described becoming vulnerable as a precursor to developing relationships.

What this client expressed comes up at 12-step meetings. Addicts remember how the first fix or drink allowed them – for the first time in their lives – to relate without fear. They weren’t vulnerable.  They could dance, be charming with the opposite sex. They were “part of” for the first time. And most pursued this magical feeling, this elixir that let them become part of the world, until it betrayed them and brought them crashing down.

Which brings us to the question: how do we addicts allow ourselves to be vulnerable in relationships without the anesthetic effects of drugs or alcohol?  How do we do it sober?

My idea is to practice. We become transparent. We drop our defenses. When we enter a relationship – romantic or platonic – we tell the other person we feel vulnerable, exposed, that we fear getting hurt. My experience is that this openness, this genuine honesty shows them we’re for real.

We all find that attractive.