Alcoholics are Different

While on a flight to Mexico yesterday I once again saw the difference between me and so-called “normal” drinkers.

Surrounding me were passengers ordering drinks and having fun. One lady said “this is my sixth Bloody Mary since I got up this morning.” Yet she appeared pretty normal. 

Had I drank what she had I likely would be fighting with someone, looking for drugs, stealing something or otherwise making a fool of myself. Another difference between me and her is that after the first drink I would have been drinking straight from the bottle. My goal was always to get smashed as fast as I could.

I was reminded of a time I flew to Mexico thirty plus years ago, long before I got sober. In that era passengers were still allowed to smoke. I got so smashed on alcohol and pills that I passed out with a lit cigarette.  When I woke up the stewardess was spraying water on the cigarette that was burning a hole in my pants.  I simply couldn’t drink like others.

Yet here these folks were, having a sociable time and swapping stories about the best bars in Cabo, where the longest happy hours were and where to get the best prices on liquor to take home.

Unlike these folks, drinking for me was always the doorway into bad behavior and often serious trouble that sometimes ended with me in handcuffs.

It was good to see the partiers on my flight enjoying themselves. And it was also good for me to recognize the difference between me and them.

As long as I pay attention to that difference my life will continue to be as it is today.

Blessings of Sobriety

Starting today, my address for the next week will be a hotel in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. When I mentioned this trip to someone at work yesterday they said “lucky you.”

I agreed. But as I walked away I realized that being able to do these kinds of things is about more than “luck.”

It has to do with working hard. It’s about surrounding myself with a team of clean and sober people who take care of business when I’m gone. It’s about the self-discipline to plan and save money to follow through with those plans.

For the past 21 years of my sobriety I’ve learned to reward myself with vacations every three to four months. And last year my wife and I were gone for nearly six weeks. It's a time to refresh, rejuvenate, and enjoy the beautiful places God has created for us.

While I’m gone I’ll be electronically connected to my office. While some don’t understand why I’d go on vacation and still check in each day, the reality is that my top priority - after my sobriety and my family – is TLC’s mission of helping alcoholics and addicts rebuild their lives.

Pursuing this mission has given me the life I enjoy today.

Gratitude in Action

When one of our long time managers called to ask if he could drop by my office for a few moments earlier this week I thought he might have a personal issue to discuss.

Instead he started the conversation by saying how grateful he was to work for TLC.

            “I almost think I should pay to work here,” he said.

He then handed me an envelope of money as a donation toward our 20^th anniversary celebration that takes place in March.

When this man came to us several years ago - after a prison term for drugs - he was starting from the bottom. He’d lost everything, including contact with his son.

Now he’s reunited with his son, is spoiling a new grandson, has a relationship, a circle of friends and a nice home.

The most striking thing about this man is his ongoing gratitude for the positive turn his life has taken since he came to the program several years ago. He never says no to a request to help TLC - or a fellow addict. He doesn’t just talk about being grateful; he gives back whenever he gets the opportunity.

His attitude, and the results he’s received, once more demonstrates the power of gratitude in our lives.

Key to Change

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.” Rosanne Cash

Before entering detox 21 years ago I had several so-called fears about why it was a bad idea to give up drugs and alcohol.

1.      “I won’t have any friends because I don’t know any sober people,” was a favorite. 

2.      “Life will be boring because I won’t have any fun,” was another.

3.      “I don’t know what I’ll do with my time if I’m not using.”

Statement one was laughable on its face. I had lost my friends long ago because I’d misused and burned them over and over. When I got sober I had one phone number and she didn’t want to hear from me either.

In reference to number two I already led the most boring life on the planet. My daily routine was to wake up sick and try to find enough drugs or alcohol to keep me going. Oh, that was exciting, wondering if I was going to jail that day while raising funds to support my habit.

And the last fear was totally senseless. In the past, before I sunk into my morass of addiction, I led a busy life as a parent and a businessman. I always had plenty to keep me occupied. 

Once I faced these flimsy excuses - fear-based rationales - life changed. I did what I feared more than anything else:  I gave up the temporary solace of heroin and alcohol.

I let go of my fear and life became different.

Moving On

A client in group seems to have difficulty moving on with his life after receiving consequences for breaking relationship rules. He spends a lot of time beating himself up.
 
My experience is that it's counterproductive to dwell on our misdeeds. That doesn't mean we forget them.  But in the other hand we can get stuck in our recovery if we focus on the past.

And being stuck doesn’t mean we relapse. Being stuck means we don’t enjoy the blessings of sobriety. That self-esteem enhancing feeling that the world is okay right now and I’m glad I’m part of it. The idea that life’s okay right now.

If I screw something up with poor judgment or a bad decision I pay attention to my mistake and do what I can to set things right. But I don’t spend any more time than it takes to set things right and move forward.

If I’m truly living a sober life I remove my ego and bring things into perspective. I make amends where I must - then step on. 

The next time I encounter a similar situation I have an experience that lets me make the right decision.

Listening is the Key...

Communication was the topic at a monthly management meeting last Sunday. And there were several suggestions of ways to improve communication between managers and clients.

One good idea was to simply pay attention to what clients are saying.

Managers are often busy or under pressure and don’t listen to clients. One senior manager pointed out that when we’re under pressure it’s much easier to react than to respond.

One of our more effective managers starts his morning by checking in with his crew members to see how their recovery is going. He keeps in mind that TLC's mission is first and foremost to help people change. He knows that if those working for him are focused on recovery their day goes better and they feel good about what they're doing.

A manager with ten years at TLC said that when he listens to a client’s concerns their issues often go away.

            “People just want someone to listen,” he said. “When we give them the respect of listening sometimes the problem doesn’t seem so huge after all.”

Doing What Works...

"Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you’re getting." unknown

A client who's been sober a few years told the group that he's thinking of moving on with his life.

He has no specific plans other than that "he feels"  it's time to do something different.

Someone in group told the man that he's accomplished a lot in just a few years of living clean.  He has a relationship, a new child, a fairly decent place to live, and a steady job.  He enjoys many things that normal people work hard to achieve.  And yet he's ready to make a sudden change and walk away from what has been working for him.

No one in the group supported his idea.

While TLC is all about getting clients back to the mainstream, the idea is to do it with planning and forethought.  

Sinking into a life of addiction doesn’t happen overnight. And those with years of recovery testify that learning to live sober is an ongoing project.

We'll have to wait and see what happens to our client and his plans.