Road to Relapse

A twenty-something client who relapsed said she had a good time for the first few hours. But from then on it was hell.

In some thirty days of using she was robbed, beaten and sexually assaulted. For a few nights she stayed in an alley or behind a convenience store.

She also became alienated from family and friends. They’re weary of helping because they recognize that she’s on a dark path of destruction. They can only watch her downward slide.

Because she was spoiled all her life she has a difficult time accepting that no one’s going to show up to help her one more time. Her history has been to use until she gets into serious trouble – then let her family pick up the pieces.

It's frustrating dealing with this person because one minute she acts as if she’s willing to do whatever it takes to recover. The next minute she has problems with everything. She doesn’t want a roommate, She doesn’t like the food. The program’s too far from the bus line. And on and on.

One issue in trying to help her is that- in spite of a few years of using drugs – she somehow maintains a cherubic demeanor of youthful innocence that can beguile others into giving her what she wants. And she plays it to the max.

The last time we met I pointed out that one day there’ll be no one around to pick her up – that consequences become more serious each time we relapse.

I’m not sure she heard me. But then my job is to carry the message. The rest is up to God.

Believing the Lie

A recovering heroin addict sat in group this week, speaking eloquently about how his life had changed from a year ago.

He’d recovered from a life threatening medical condition. He’d attended months of out-patient treatment. He'd landed a good job, working in his former trade.  He had a sponsor.  He was re-connecting with old friends from high school.  He'd saved enough money to start buying gadgets for his room. He'd never been happier.

But as the topic passed around the circle, a group member noticed the client scratching his nose.  And that his eyelids were drooping.

So he was tested right after group and discharged from the program because the test was dirty.

Later, one of his close friends asked how he could trust anyone after his roommate had deceived him about using – especially after talking so positively about recovery.

I wasn’t sure how to answer him on the trust issue.  But those of us in long term recovery see people relapse over and over again because they start believing the lie that one or two fixes or drinks won't hurt. Or that they'll get high once and then stop.

The literature uses the term “cunning, baffling and powerful,” and this man’s relapse in another example of how our disease can waylay us if we’re not constantly vigilant.

After a year of intense recovery, this man had the tools.  For some reason he didn't use them.

We wish him well.

Motivation

Motivation was Monday’s aftercare topic. And, of course, different clients had different things that motivated them.

One client got sober because he awoke one morning sleeping under a bush in a mud puddle. He was freezing cold and knew at that moment that he needed to change his life.

Another client was motivated by the happy people he met at 12 step meetings. At first he thought they were part of a cult. But after attending for a while he realized their happiness was real, and based on genuine values.

Another addict was sick of going in and out of jail. His life consisted of short periods of getting high, followed by long periods of incarceration. He’d leave jail, start smoking pot, then within the week would have a crack pipe in his mouth. He knew the cycle of self-destruction was killing him.

Others had various motivators, including losing relationships, being homeless, and suffering the black demoralization of addiction.

Pain and suffering seemed to motivate them all.

Reponsbility

A characteristic of some in recovery is that they try to make their problem our problem.

For example, one client is supposed to complete 26 domestic violence classes. However, he always has an issue.

He can't afford the classes. He doesn't have a job. He doesn't have a ride. He can’t find a babysitter. Can he be excused?

Another client, at one of our outlying locations, has similar issues. She can’t afford the $15 weekly fee for DUI classes. She doesn't have transportation and on and on. Can we give her a break?

And while they might have real issues in their lives, don’t we all? The idea that we’re going to be the solution to their problems is misguided.

While we're not heartless, we have guidelines we must follow while running a treatment clinic. Clients must show up to participate at a certain time for so many weeks, to get a certificate of completion.

Our responsibility – when clients don't show up – is to report that they were noncompliant. Almost without exception, we have no other options.

The primary responsibility for those of us in recovery is to learn to be responsible. That means showing up on time. That means paying our bills. Finding resources to help us comply with probation and parole rules is a responsibility we must meet - unless we want dire consequences.

I deal with clients like these from a history of personal experience. There were times when I behaved just like them. And my life never got better until I did my part.

Disengaging from Insanity

While at a social event last night I inadvertently encountered one of the two people on the planet I’m unable to communicate with.  It's really kind of sad.   Because I've known this person for over thirty-years.  And at one time we were great friends.

One reason I feel bad about it might have to do with my ego.  I’m in recovery.  I don’t remain angry at anyone for more than a moment. I pride myself on getting along.  I care about others.  I think one of our greatest responsibilities is to communicate effectively.

But for some reason, this person with whom I was once great friends has over the years developed a personality disorder that doesn't allow getting along with anyone. Family, friends, business associates, all eventually are victims of unexplained, gratuitous, abuse.

And no matter how many times I've tried to maintain this communication, eventually there’s an eruption over virtually nothing. It’s happened probably a dozen times or more. Oh yes, I’ll later receive a profuse apology. And for a while things go smoothly. But then, one day - for virtually no reason - I’ll get a phone call. And I’ll be berated and excoriated until I hang up.

So maybe five years ago I decided to disengage. Because if I don’t - and keep getting abused - it’s my fault. It’s kind of like walking through a neighborhood where’s there’s a vicious dog that sometimes chases and bites those who pass by. A smart person stays out of that neighborhood.

Also, along the same vein, the Big Book describes insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I've decided that I won’t engage in that kind of insanity.

Clean Environment

Sometimes the seemingly smallest thing can interrupt a daily routine.

For example, an employee coming into the office Friday morning noticed a puddle of vomit beneath the outside staircase.

Now at most companies something like that might go unnoticed. It might just be seen as a disgusting mess. Not in our case. Right away we checked to see if everyone was sober. That’s the mindset in a recovery program.

For us, a fresh splatter of vomit could mean a client was drinking – or perhaps had gotten high.

So, instead of starting the day by cleaning out my inbox, I became involved doing a mass breathalyzer test of the whole corporate office. And of everyone who works in the building. Upstairs and downstairs. That included me.

In spite of administering about 18 plus tests we found no one under the influence. And that's great. At least we know everyone was clean.

Someone probably really was sick. However, we’ll likely never know because no one came forward. And maybe it was simply someone passing by who decided to be sick on our property.

This may seem like overkill over such a small incident. But when one lives in the world of recovery – where sobriety is a life and death situation – we take whatever measures possible to insure a clean environment.

Positive Feedback

A client and his wife were in our clinic this evening and while speaking of their experience in counseling, she said "this has been life-changing for us."

Her remarks were refreshing. Often we work with people and don't get such positive feedback. Clients come for counseling, then leave. We believe they make progress, that somehow we’ve given them techniques to help them. But her testimonial confirms that we're doing something worthwhile.

And I could tell by their body language that she wasn't saying something for my benefit. She and her husband were looking at each other with love. They were holding hands and standing close to one another. This was a strong contrast to when they first came to us . When we first met them their posture and distance from one another shouted "we're not getting along."

Once in a while it feels good to have our work validated.