Being Present

Most of the time I mind my own business.

But this weekend I couldn't help myself. It happened while I was on an elevator early in the day at a resort in Mexico.

Also on the elevator were three teenage boys. They were in bathing suits and had a cooler chest and other beach stuff.

Just as the elevator reached our destination on the bottom floor something happened. Instead of the door opening, the elevator headed back up - to the 10th floor where we'd all gotten on.

They were upset. It seemed like their day was ruined. They were accusing each of other of pressing the wrong button. Of not leaving early enough. The sodas would get warm. Everybody would be mad at them. It seemed like a lot of drama over a five minute delay. They looked almost ready to fight.

But me, I was waiting patiently, accepting that we were on a round trip. But finally I couldn't restrain myself.

"So you guys are going to be late?" I asked.

They got quiet. They looked at me as if I were from another planet. None said anything. But I think they understood. Because they were quiet for the rest of the ride.

As I left the elevator I reflected that all too often we're so interested in the next wonderful thing that we lose the moment we're in. And we do that because that's what our culture teaches us to do.

After all, isn't right now the next great thing we were looking forward to a little while ago?

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Be nice to Yourself

“Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time." ~Christine Arylo

Many who show up in my office for help aren't nice to themselves. And that's why I like the above saying. Because it describes the dilemma of many of us addicts. Indeed, the dilemma of much of humanity.

That's not to say that once in a while we all couldn't use self-improvement in some area. Especially me.

But I'll ask a client what's going on with them and most often it's negative.

"I can't find a job."

"My family won't take me back."

"My girlfriend's on Facebook talking about some other guy." And the list goes on.

The reality is that we can take any perspective about our lives we choose. We can see the glass half full. Or half empty.

Even though I lead a blessed life, some days I'm off center. And on those days when asked how I'm doing I have a standard response: "Well, I'm not drunk and I'm not in jail."

And those who are addicts or alcoholics know what that means. That means that things have been worse. As they have for all of us.

Being nice to ourselves means having self-compassion. Forgiving ourselves for the screw-ups of the past so we can move ahead.

Being nice to ourselves means not taking mental expeditions into the ruins of our past. Because we always return from those journeys a little worse off. A little more depressed.

Being nice to ourselves is noticing that we marked another sober day on the calendar. Noticing that we encouraged someone instead of putting them down.

And noticing we didn't run to the bar or the dope house when things didn't go our way.

Being nice to ourselves is about perspective.

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Recovering from Anger

On this date 57 years ago, age 19, I slouched in front of a judge in Santa Ana, California.

He seemed unhappy. He read from a pre-sentence report that made unflattering remarks about my juvenile history. And then he sent me to California State Prison. Six months to ten years for possession of a minute amount of heroin, residue in a cotton. Not enough for one person to get high.

Three days later deputies locked me onto a chain with several other pissed off people. They took us to the Southern Reception Center at Chino. A few months later I was trudging the yard at San Quentin.

What I remember most about those years is deep anger. I seethed at the police. The injustice of the courts. The prison guards. The system. I hated all authority. And it colored my life for years.

But things change. As I grew older I realized that - justified or not - anger was destroying me. I couldn't use enough drugs or alcohol to cover my toxic, self-destructive, emotions. When I was conscious I was unhappy.

I'm not sure why I changed. But after 16 years in and out of the system I surrendered. I finally recognized that I was the problem. Sure, our system - like any system - is imperfect. But should I let it destroy me?

I stopped looking at the system as the enemy. In fact, I realized that many times the police rescued me from myself. If they hadn't saved me from my habits - by arresting me - I'd likely not be writing this today.

Now, whenever things don't go my way, I look in the mirror. And like magic my problem appears before me. And as soon as that happens I also identify the solution.

And I don't care what the problem is - the solution starts with me because that’s all the control I have.

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Any program Works

A mother sends a long sad email, one that brings tears to my eyes.

She's spent a fortune sending her 30 something son to treatment programs all over the United States.

And guess what? None of them worked. And now she can't afford to help him any longer because she's spent most of her savings.

I'm not insensitive, but I send her an honest answer with as much compassion as I can muster.

The problem is obvious I tell her. And has nothing to do with the programs. Probably the first program she sent him to would have helped him stay sober. He just didn't participate.

Any program will work for the motivated. And that's always the catch.

I promise that anyone who walks into a 12-step program and does what the literature says will stay clean.

We have a 100% money back guarantee that those who come to our program will stay sober if they do what we say.

When people go to a program and then continue getting high some blame it on the program. But the program didn't make them relapse. They did that on their own.

Using drugs or alcohol requires the participation of the user. No one ambushes us and forces us to use.

But somehow it's easier for those who love us to believe that the failure lies with the program instead of the addict.

But this lady's learning.

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Entitlement

An email yesterday reminded me of how we addicts sometimes have a sense of entitlement.

The lady's message read "So you were helped for free but you expect payment in your facility. Not everyone today has health insurance or money especially an addict and you surely know that."

I didn't understand the part about "you were helped for free..."

I'm not sure who she's talking about helping me for free. When I got sober a halfway house let me in without money. But I soon found a job and paid them for every day I was there. I'm grateful to them for giving me a start.

But the more puzzling question is how do we support someone without money? People often think the government funds us because we're non-profit. Not true.

Important causes like helping children and the elderly even have a difficult time getting funds. And there are few dollars for grown addicts who should be taking care of themselves. In fact, we don't even apply for money because I believe there are more worthy causes.

Contrary to what the writer above says, we help anyone. Whether they have money or not. Ninety-five percent of those who come to our door have nothing other than a drug or alcohol habit. But we open our doors and our hearts anyway.

We feed them. House them. Clothe them. And find them jobs. And in spite of this help, most of them don't make it. Maybe they're not done using yet. Maybe get a few meals in their stomachs and are feeling strong enough to take another run at it. In any case, we lose 25% of what we charge to those who leave without paying us.

Having said all this why do we even bother? It's simple.

I work with a lot of sober people who came to us with nothing and who today are doing great. They're helping other addicts. They volunteer. They have smiles on their faces and hearts of gratitude. They're carrying the message of recovery to others. They're making a difference.

And that's what it's about.

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Mindfulness

Mindfulness meditation offers many promises to its practitioners.

There are thousands of studies proving its benefits. These include lower stress levels. Increased focus. Lower blood pressure. More inner peace and happiness. Some of the things we addicts once tried to achieve with drugs.

A misconception among our clients is that mindfulness might be a way to zone out. A way for us to escape reality to a state of bliss. But that's not so.

In mindfulness practice we learn to focus on our breath or another object. Then when thoughts pop up we observe them - the good - the bad and the ugly. And that's all we do, observe them without judgment then let them pass. When they return, we do the same thing again. And let them pass. And still again. All the while returning our focus to our breath or object of attention.

Practicing mindfulness can be difficult at times. We addicts are often perfectionists. So we try to meditate perfectly, to maintain focus on our breath or on an object. But there is no perfect in meditation. There's just meditation.

We're not going to get an "A" for doing it right. Or an "F" for doing it wrong. In meditation the only goal is to sit and meditate.

And my experience has been that the longer I meditate the more resilience I have. The less I over react to the challenges of life.  The days are smoother.

It's as though I have an invisible coat of Teflon that allows most so-called "problems" to simply slide away.

For those interested in learning more about meditation click here for free resources: .

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Coming Back

The stories we hear at 12-step meetings are sometimes unbelievable. War stories by addicts saying something real for once in their life. Talking in front of peers who can see through lies so they must say the truth.

The drinking and drugging tales are so incredible we know they can't be true. But our experience tells us they are because we did something similar.

These are stories of heart-wrenching loss. Of mothers losing custody of babies. Or maybe a soul mate or a loved one lost to an overdose or an accident. Maybe a prison or jail term.

Tragedies unfold one after another. But then there's another side that puts things in balance.

And these are stories of rebuilt lives. Of reunification with families and lovers. Of mothers and fathers who once called the police on them now flying across the country to visit.

The tales of success give newcomers a reason to come back. Maybe some of the good mojo will rub off on them. Maybe they'll be able to rebuild almost forgotten dreams and get their lives back in order.

And that's why most of us go to the meetings. There's enough of the good stuff to keep us coming back.

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