Twenty five years ago today my gut was cramping in a detox on Bellview Street in Mesa, Arizona.
I was 51 years old and sweat was coming out my pores as I started withdrawals. My brain and body craved heroin and alcohol. My bones ached. A black cloud of demoralization hung over my head. Time seemed to crawl.
Part of me wanted to bolt for the door. The only thing that kept me on that bed was that I knew. I knew that more pain and misery awaited me out on those cold December streets.
And before I walked through that door I'd had enough pain. Enough misery. I'd had nightmares of being back in prison forever. I was sick of the anxiety of finding the next fix. Of looking where I could steal the next bottle. Of finding anything to steal to survive another day.
I'd reached a point where I said I was willing to do whatever it took to change.
I had stream of consciousness monologues with myself: "Yes, I'm an alcoholic. I'm an addict. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Meetings. Treatment. Halfway houses. Low-end jobs. Whatever it takes to change."
I don't know if pain brings on a spiritual awakening. But if it does then I had one. I was beat into submission. I had willingness. I did what was suggested.
After eleven days I went to a halfway house and stayed a year. Because I liked how the kind people there took me in with no money I decided to do what they did and started TLC.
Today I live the promises. I have a loving wife. Loving friends. My family is back. I have more stuff than I ever dreamed of having.
Twenty five years ago all I came for was to get clean and sober. But God gave me that and much more. Thank you.
Click here to email John
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Adult Children
We get another call from a parent about a middle-aged son. She wonders if we can help him with his drug problem. She says she's no longer able to care for him.
And we tell her that of course we will. So she says she'll talk to him and see if he's willing - then get back to us.
This happens more than one would think. Parents at retirement age who are still caring for their children. Children whose handicap is addiction. Something that's treatable.
My advice is that it's okay to confront an addict. Many of them think the son or daughter will no longer love them. That they'll take the confrontation the wrong way. Then maybe not talk to them anymore.
But reality is that a parent gets little love from an addict. They're too busy taking care of their addiction to offer much more than lip service to anyone else.
My experience is that when parents tell an adult child to get clean or go somewhere else, the problem is solved.
Sure, there might be sore feelings for a while. But an addict who has no one to care for him has a couple of choices: homelessness or recovery.
And if he makes the right choice his whole world could change.
And we tell her that of course we will. So she says she'll talk to him and see if he's willing - then get back to us.
This happens more than one would think. Parents at retirement age who are still caring for their children. Children whose handicap is addiction. Something that's treatable.
My advice is that it's okay to confront an addict. Many of them think the son or daughter will no longer love them. That they'll take the confrontation the wrong way. Then maybe not talk to them anymore.
But reality is that a parent gets little love from an addict. They're too busy taking care of their addiction to offer much more than lip service to anyone else.
My experience is that when parents tell an adult child to get clean or go somewhere else, the problem is solved.
Sure, there might be sore feelings for a while. But an addict who has no one to care for him has a couple of choices: homelessness or recovery.
And if he makes the right choice his whole world could change.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Embracing Fear
I hear many addicts express concern about negative thoughts. About fear. About anxiety. About the next bad thing that might happen
This comes up often in both group and individual counseling.
But the reality is that negative thoughts are just part of life. Part of our makeup as human beings. And if we learn to accept our negative thoughts we'll find that our lives are much more enjoyable. More peaceful. More serene.
If we fight them they can become bigger, stronger. When we see negativity, fear, or anxiety popping into our mind we should welcome it.
"Oh, there you are again."
Or, "I haven't seen you for a while."
Or, "Are you still hanging around?"
If we minimize fears they lose their potency.
Will they ever go completely away? No. Fear is part of our survival. We need it. It keeps us from walking across the freeway. It's the tool that helped us evolve as a species.
Our early ancestors learned to fear being eaten by a wild animal. Or by the tribe in the next valley. They learned to fear famine and long cold winters.
The ones who laid on the beach and partied all day, singing and dancing, probably aren't our ancestors. Because they didn't survive.
The problem in our modern world is that we often overreact to our fear. We apply the primitive reaction to things that aren't life threatening at all.
We may fear failing a class, being late on our rent, or losing our job. But none of these are life threatening, even though we sometimes worry about them as if they were.
Embrace your worries and see if life isn't better.
This comes up often in both group and individual counseling.
But the reality is that negative thoughts are just part of life. Part of our makeup as human beings. And if we learn to accept our negative thoughts we'll find that our lives are much more enjoyable. More peaceful. More serene.
If we fight them they can become bigger, stronger. When we see negativity, fear, or anxiety popping into our mind we should welcome it.
"Oh, there you are again."
Or, "I haven't seen you for a while."
Or, "Are you still hanging around?"
If we minimize fears they lose their potency.
Will they ever go completely away? No. Fear is part of our survival. We need it. It keeps us from walking across the freeway. It's the tool that helped us evolve as a species.
Our early ancestors learned to fear being eaten by a wild animal. Or by the tribe in the next valley. They learned to fear famine and long cold winters.
The ones who laid on the beach and partied all day, singing and dancing, probably aren't our ancestors. Because they didn't survive.
The problem in our modern world is that we often overreact to our fear. We apply the primitive reaction to things that aren't life threatening at all.
We may fear failing a class, being late on our rent, or losing our job. But none of these are life threatening, even though we sometimes worry about them as if they were.
Embrace your worries and see if life isn't better.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Ironic
We're praying for a long-time sober TLC resident hit over the weekend while riding his motorcycle in Scottsdale.
The police said the 81-year-old woman that hit him was under the influence.
Reports are that he's in ICU with severe brain trauma. At this writing his prognosis is uncertain.
This accident underlines, once again, the perils of driving under the influence.
I don't know how many hundreds of times I foolishly drove while out of my mind.
And I was in half-a-dozen accidents. But thank God I was the only one injured. I didn't hit anyone. I just drove off a cliff, hit street signs, or rolled the car. Just dumb drunk luck that no one else was injured.
Most accidents I hear of involve impaired drivers. And in fact, I think statistics show that something like over half of accidents are by those driving under the influence.
It seems ironic that one of our own has become another victim.
The police said the 81-year-old woman that hit him was under the influence.
Reports are that he's in ICU with severe brain trauma. At this writing his prognosis is uncertain.
This accident underlines, once again, the perils of driving under the influence.
I don't know how many hundreds of times I foolishly drove while out of my mind.
And I was in half-a-dozen accidents. But thank God I was the only one injured. I didn't hit anyone. I just drove off a cliff, hit street signs, or rolled the car. Just dumb drunk luck that no one else was injured.
Most accidents I hear of involve impaired drivers. And in fact, I think statistics show that something like over half of accidents are by those driving under the influence.
It seems ironic that one of our own has become another victim.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Winning life's Lottery
I was patiently waiting to pay for coffee yesterday at a convenience store. But for some reason the line seemed longer and slower than usual.
Then I realized it was because people were buying lottery tickets. In fact, the guy in front of me bought $200 worth. As he left I imagined him counting the 900 million he just knew he was going to win.
When it came my turn to pay I told the clerk thank you, but no, I didn't want any. I didn't bother to tell her that I won life's lottery 25 years ago when I got sober.
And that's the way I feel. Because only a small percentage of us heroin addicts and alcoholics get clean. Only a small percentage of us are blessed enough to go on to live a full and productive life.
Now I have nothing against lottery players. It's the American way.
But the idea that more money will bring us happiness is questionable. Maybe pleasure, yes. Maybe a burst of joy when we dive head first into our pile of millions. But then after a few months winners realize that managing money is a real job. In fact, some statistics show the average lottery winner is broke after seven years. Not a great outlook.
My opinion is that for anyone in early recovery a windfall of money could be a death sentence. At TLC we've seen more than one client get an insurance settlement or an inheritance and not live to spend it.
Then I realized it was because people were buying lottery tickets. In fact, the guy in front of me bought $200 worth. As he left I imagined him counting the 900 million he just knew he was going to win.
When it came my turn to pay I told the clerk thank you, but no, I didn't want any. I didn't bother to tell her that I won life's lottery 25 years ago when I got sober.
And that's the way I feel. Because only a small percentage of us heroin addicts and alcoholics get clean. Only a small percentage of us are blessed enough to go on to live a full and productive life.
Now I have nothing against lottery players. It's the American way.
But the idea that more money will bring us happiness is questionable. Maybe pleasure, yes. Maybe a burst of joy when we dive head first into our pile of millions. But then after a few months winners realize that managing money is a real job. In fact, some statistics show the average lottery winner is broke after seven years. Not a great outlook.
My opinion is that for anyone in early recovery a windfall of money could be a death sentence. At TLC we've seen more than one client get an insurance settlement or an inheritance and not live to spend it.
Our problem is not about money, it's about learning how to live in our own skin.
Click here to see the odds of winning the lottery versus becoming president. Or attacked by a shark and other calamities.
Click here to see what happened to 18 lottery winners.
Click here to see the odds of winning the lottery versus becoming president. Or attacked by a shark and other calamities.
Click here to see what happened to 18 lottery winners.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
5.48 Years
Today marks my 2000th day of posting this blog.
That equals 5.48 years. My Microsoft Word counter at the bottom of the page shows over 438,000 words. Which translates to 1020 single-spaced pages.
So go ahead. Use the "O" word. Because that's what I am: obsessive. Once I start doing something I like it's hard for me to change. And I guess that's okay in this case.
When I started, the commitment was to do it for a year. Then, I said, oh well, let me go for another year. And it kept on from there.
Originally I thought of it as being a way to learn to write better. More in a conversational tone. Kind of like I'm talking to you. I don't use good grammar. My goal is to use the smallest words possible. To use short sentences. To communicate rather than to impress. I believe the message is what's important.
As I went on, I found that once in a while I struck a chord. Someone out there would thank me for helping them with a family member. Some who have family at TLC said it helped them feel like they were in touch. Others said it helped them understand their addict family member a little better.
I started to realize my 38 years as an active addict and alcoholic was more than a library of war stories. That I could tell others how I got through the challenges of recovery.
How people quit enabling me. How I didn't change until I had enough pain. How powerless we are over the addicts in our lives. Those are the blogs that get the most feedback.
And for that reason I'll sit down at the computer again tomorrow. Maybe I won't know what to write about.
But I plan to be there.
That equals 5.48 years. My Microsoft Word counter at the bottom of the page shows over 438,000 words. Which translates to 1020 single-spaced pages.
So go ahead. Use the "O" word. Because that's what I am: obsessive. Once I start doing something I like it's hard for me to change. And I guess that's okay in this case.
When I started, the commitment was to do it for a year. Then, I said, oh well, let me go for another year. And it kept on from there.
Originally I thought of it as being a way to learn to write better. More in a conversational tone. Kind of like I'm talking to you. I don't use good grammar. My goal is to use the smallest words possible. To use short sentences. To communicate rather than to impress. I believe the message is what's important.
As I went on, I found that once in a while I struck a chord. Someone out there would thank me for helping them with a family member. Some who have family at TLC said it helped them feel like they were in touch. Others said it helped them understand their addict family member a little better.
I started to realize my 38 years as an active addict and alcoholic was more than a library of war stories. That I could tell others how I got through the challenges of recovery.
How people quit enabling me. How I didn't change until I had enough pain. How powerless we are over the addicts in our lives. Those are the blogs that get the most feedback.
And for that reason I'll sit down at the computer again tomorrow. Maybe I won't know what to write about.
But I plan to be there.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Priorities
A woman calls to see if we have room for her son in our halfway houses and asks several questions.
"Does he get his own room?"
"When will he be able to start working?"
"Do we supply toiletries?"
"Is there a place for him to wash his clothes?"
"Does he need money to get in?"
After several minutes of this I ask a question of my own. I wondered why she didn't want to know about recovery services. You know, about groups, 12-step meetings and drug testing. Questions related to recovery.
Often parents think that if living conditions are right and jobs available, everything will be fine.
But if that were true their kid wouldn't be with us in the first place. Because most everyone has had a job at some time. And a place to live. But those things didn't keep them from using drugs or drinking. From trashing their lives.
The reason people come to us is because their lives are out of whack. And one way for them to get their lives back on track is to get into recovery.
Their problems aren't jobs, housing and other amenities. It's working on recovery. If they do that, everything else falls into place in its own time - usually within a few months.
Click here to email John
"Does he get his own room?"
"When will he be able to start working?"
"Do we supply toiletries?"
"Is there a place for him to wash his clothes?"
"Does he need money to get in?"
After several minutes of this I ask a question of my own. I wondered why she didn't want to know about recovery services. You know, about groups, 12-step meetings and drug testing. Questions related to recovery.
Often parents think that if living conditions are right and jobs available, everything will be fine.
But if that were true their kid wouldn't be with us in the first place. Because most everyone has had a job at some time. And a place to live. But those things didn't keep them from using drugs or drinking. From trashing their lives.
The reason people come to us is because their lives are out of whack. And one way for them to get their lives back on track is to get into recovery.
Their problems aren't jobs, housing and other amenities. It's working on recovery. If they do that, everything else falls into place in its own time - usually within a few months.
Click here to email John
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