Many clients come to our program after a traumatic event has pushed them to their limits.
They may have lost a loved one to illness or an accident. A friend or relative may have overdosed. And it's many times not only that single event that pushed them to seek help. They may have also had an accident. Or been arrested. Lost a job or apartment because of their drug habit.
Whatever the event - or combination of events - that brought them here, it can be a turning point in their lives. It can be the moment that lets them start making moves in a positive direction. Or it can be the event in their lives from which they're unable to return before undergoing lengthy therapy.
Often newcomers tell me their sad narrative when they arrive. And when they finish, I congratulate them. That's when they look at me like I'm crazy or as if I weren't listening to them. That I somehow missed their description of the terrible events that brought them here.
Usually I have to explain that their pain can be the catalyst for change. The beginning of a new life if they'll only listen to the lessons life is teaching them.
If I walk through our campus I guarantee I won't encounter anyone who was having a wonderful life before they came to us. None of them stopped the party and said "Gee, I'm having too much fun, I better get into treatment."
No, it was always the painful stuff that brought them here. But it's the kind of pain that can heal if we only allow it to work for us.
Click here to email John
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Confrontations
I was in a group session yesterday with a group of halfway house residents - ten men who all live in the same house. Another manager and I were invited there to help sort out a few communication issues.
Even now, hours later, I'm not sure what they were bickering about. But it seemed to be mostly about egos and hurt feelings. Because there was little of substance. People hearing what they wanted to hear instead of what was said. Being defensive when there's nothing to defend.
One of the most difficult jobs in our company is halfway house management. Sometimes it's like running an adult day care. Each resident thinking their needs are the most important. Not even considering that they live with seven to ten other men who have needs of their own.
One good thing that came from the meeting was that they were taught how to confront one another. And what they learned was that we can confront another person without being angry.
When we approach another person with an issue we admit our role in whatever the differences are. We express our desire to get along and have peace with the other person. We express our feelings in a non-threatening way.
It's surprising how quickly things work out when we approach the other person that way.
Click here to email John
Even now, hours later, I'm not sure what they were bickering about. But it seemed to be mostly about egos and hurt feelings. Because there was little of substance. People hearing what they wanted to hear instead of what was said. Being defensive when there's nothing to defend.
One of the most difficult jobs in our company is halfway house management. Sometimes it's like running an adult day care. Each resident thinking their needs are the most important. Not even considering that they live with seven to ten other men who have needs of their own.
One good thing that came from the meeting was that they were taught how to confront one another. And what they learned was that we can confront another person without being angry.
When we approach another person with an issue we admit our role in whatever the differences are. We express our desire to get along and have peace with the other person. We express our feelings in a non-threatening way.
It's surprising how quickly things work out when we approach the other person that way.
Click here to email John
Friday, February 12, 2016
Forgiveness
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." Katherine Ponder
We talk a lot about resentment in the 12-step programs. Indeed, it's considered to be the doorway to relapse.
Yet many of us engage it in all our lives. And so did I, until I got into the program.
The idea of forgiving someone who's done us wrong runs counter to how we feel. But how healthy is it? Here we are, walking around, expending our energy on a distant yesterday. An incident so old we don't accurately remember the details. Yet we use our precious moments on this planet reliving and regurgitating something that's quite ugly. Wasting time that we can never recover.
Forgiveness doens't mean that what happened to us is okay. It probably was reprehensible. The only thing worse is wasting our present moments trying to reshape the past so we feel better about it.
We talk a lot about resentment in the 12-step programs. Indeed, it's considered to be the doorway to relapse.
Yet many of us engage it in all our lives. And so did I, until I got into the program.
The idea of forgiving someone who's done us wrong runs counter to how we feel. But how healthy is it? Here we are, walking around, expending our energy on a distant yesterday. An incident so old we don't accurately remember the details. Yet we use our precious moments on this planet reliving and regurgitating something that's quite ugly. Wasting time that we can never recover.
Forgiveness doens't mean that what happened to us is okay. It probably was reprehensible. The only thing worse is wasting our present moments trying to reshape the past so we feel better about it.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
What's worth More?
"Have you ever owned a car?" I asked a man in group the other day.
"Of course," he responded. Then he told me the name, year and model of the vehicle.
"What do you think it was worth?" I continued the questioning.
"Maybe $30,000 new," he replied.
"Did you take good care of it? Have it serviced, the oil changed, tires balanced? Regular maintenance? I asked.
"Of course," he said. "I loved that car. I took great care of it."
"So do you think your life is worth more than that car?"
He looked at me as if I were on drugs.
"That's a dumb question," he answered. "Of course it is."
And we went on from there.
I used the above example to make a point with this fellow. He's overweight. He smokes a couple packs a day. He has high blood pressure and diabetes. He eats fast food. He doesn't exercise.
And he doesn't go to the doctor because he "doesn't want to hear any bad news." The bad news he's sure to get someday soon if he doesn't change his lifestyle.
At TLC I encourage clients to do whatever they can to live a healthy life. Many figure that they sacrificed enough when they quit using their favorite substance.
But doesn’t it make sense for us to invest more time and money into ourselves that we do into a piece of inanimate transportation?
Click here to email John
"Of course," he responded. Then he told me the name, year and model of the vehicle.
"What do you think it was worth?" I continued the questioning.
"Maybe $30,000 new," he replied.
"Did you take good care of it? Have it serviced, the oil changed, tires balanced? Regular maintenance? I asked.
"Of course," he said. "I loved that car. I took great care of it."
"So do you think your life is worth more than that car?"
He looked at me as if I were on drugs.
"That's a dumb question," he answered. "Of course it is."
And we went on from there.
I used the above example to make a point with this fellow. He's overweight. He smokes a couple packs a day. He has high blood pressure and diabetes. He eats fast food. He doesn't exercise.
And he doesn't go to the doctor because he "doesn't want to hear any bad news." The bad news he's sure to get someday soon if he doesn't change his lifestyle.
At TLC I encourage clients to do whatever they can to live a healthy life. Many figure that they sacrificed enough when they quit using their favorite substance.
But doesn’t it make sense for us to invest more time and money into ourselves that we do into a piece of inanimate transportation?
Click here to email John
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Number One
I received an email from Google maps yesterday that TLC had a review from a halfway house client. And when I followed the link, there it was: a rating of one.
I thought "Gee, a one. We must've done something pretty good. Another satisfied customer." I was feeling pretty smug.
But then when I looked at the review I realized that "one" was the worst review. "Five" was the best. That shows how little attention I pay to comments and reviews.
Wondering what we had done, though, to merit such a rating I read further.
The comment read "this place is all about the money."
Right away I realized the writer had flunked math in grammar school.
Because at TLC a person can live for a week – including food, utilities, and transportation to work - for $110. Plus an addict can get into the program for no upfront money- in other words, on credit.
I'm not sure what this gentleman considers to be money, But $110 week is not much to feed and house anyone.
If you don't believe me try this experiment: find a homeless addict. Put him or her in your spare room or on your sofa. Feed them. Help them find work. Let them use your washer and drier. Listen to them complain about how life has let them down as they're watching your TV. And multiply that by the 750 beds we have at TLC. You'll get an idea of what I'm talking about. See if you can do it for $110 a week.
And an interesting bit of trivia is that our average collection is more like $82.50 a week - about 75% of what we charge.
And out of that huge sum we take in each week we pay $80,000 plus a month in lease payments. $45,000 to $60,000 a month in utilities. Buy fuel and insurance for 40 vehicles. Pay some $15,000 a month for liability.insurance. And so forth.
I could go on, but I guess we're still stuck with the "one".no matter how much I ramble.
Click here to email John
I thought "Gee, a one. We must've done something pretty good. Another satisfied customer." I was feeling pretty smug.
But then when I looked at the review I realized that "one" was the worst review. "Five" was the best. That shows how little attention I pay to comments and reviews.
Wondering what we had done, though, to merit such a rating I read further.
The comment read "this place is all about the money."
Right away I realized the writer had flunked math in grammar school.
Because at TLC a person can live for a week – including food, utilities, and transportation to work - for $110. Plus an addict can get into the program for no upfront money- in other words, on credit.
I'm not sure what this gentleman considers to be money, But $110 week is not much to feed and house anyone.
If you don't believe me try this experiment: find a homeless addict. Put him or her in your spare room or on your sofa. Feed them. Help them find work. Let them use your washer and drier. Listen to them complain about how life has let them down as they're watching your TV. And multiply that by the 750 beds we have at TLC. You'll get an idea of what I'm talking about. See if you can do it for $110 a week.
And an interesting bit of trivia is that our average collection is more like $82.50 a week - about 75% of what we charge.
And out of that huge sum we take in each week we pay $80,000 plus a month in lease payments. $45,000 to $60,000 a month in utilities. Buy fuel and insurance for 40 vehicles. Pay some $15,000 a month for liability.insurance. And so forth.
I could go on, but I guess we're still stuck with the "one".no matter how much I ramble.
Click here to email John
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Raising Children
A mother writes and wonders what's wrong with our program. Her son came to us with great intentions. He wanted to change his life. To get sober. To get back in the work force.
Instead, our manager - a man she said was "very rude," woke her son up at 4:00 a.m. and put him in a van with other clients to go to a work site. She said he didn't even have time to eat breakfast.
I didn't bother to answer back and welcome her to the real world. A world where men and women all over the country get up early so they can feed their families and pay their bills. If she had to write the kind of email she did, she wouldn't have understood what I meant.
One of the biggest problems we run into with addicts and alcoholics is helping them to unlearn bad habits taught them by their parents. Like a sense of entitlement. That someone else is supposed to care for them. That everything they do is okay.
After all, mommy and daddy aren't going to be around forever to pick them up when they fall down.
Instead, our manager - a man she said was "very rude," woke her son up at 4:00 a.m. and put him in a van with other clients to go to a work site. She said he didn't even have time to eat breakfast.
I didn't bother to answer back and welcome her to the real world. A world where men and women all over the country get up early so they can feed their families and pay their bills. If she had to write the kind of email she did, she wouldn't have understood what I meant.
One of the biggest problems we run into with addicts and alcoholics is helping them to unlearn bad habits taught them by their parents. Like a sense of entitlement. That someone else is supposed to care for them. That everything they do is okay.
After all, mommy and daddy aren't going to be around forever to pick them up when they fall down.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Act of Kindness
I don't see random acts of kindness often. But I did today and it brought tears.
It happened when a young man - who looked to be an immigrant - was struggling with a bank teller machine. Finally it seemed like he gave up in frustration and walked off toward his car. What he didn't notice was that he'd achieved his objective of getting money from the machine. However, he walked off and left a stack of $20s protruding from the slot.
The man behind him, however, did notice. And quickly grabbed it. For a moment it looked like he was going to take off with it.
But instead he followed the man to his car and tapped him on the shoulder.
I think you forgot this," he said, as he handed him the money.
The man, who apparently didn't speak English, shook the man's hand, then put the money in his wallet.
I noticed he had tears in his eyes as he got into the car with a woman and child and drove off.
After that the day had a whole different color to it.
Click here to email John
It happened when a young man - who looked to be an immigrant - was struggling with a bank teller machine. Finally it seemed like he gave up in frustration and walked off toward his car. What he didn't notice was that he'd achieved his objective of getting money from the machine. However, he walked off and left a stack of $20s protruding from the slot.
The man behind him, however, did notice. And quickly grabbed it. For a moment it looked like he was going to take off with it.
But instead he followed the man to his car and tapped him on the shoulder.
I think you forgot this," he said, as he handed him the money.
The man, who apparently didn't speak English, shook the man's hand, then put the money in his wallet.
I noticed he had tears in his eyes as he got into the car with a woman and child and drove off.
After that the day had a whole different color to it.
Click here to email John
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