Changing Early

More than half the clients in our treatment program are in their twenties. Though a few are older.

There was a time when I was amazed at how they behaved. I wondered how they could act like that. Some are self-centered, have a sense of entitlement, break every rule, lie about most everything.

Then one day I connected the dots and realized that when I was in that age range I was the same way. Most of the time, much worse.

I never went to treatment on my own - period. A judge had to hang a five year prison sentence over my head before I went off to spend a year at Metropolitan State Hospital in Norwalk, California.

In over fifty years I'd forgotten that as a twenty year old I lived, as someone who knew me said, " like a wild dog." When I was out of jail - I did what I wanted when I wanted and was accountable to nobody.

My only goal in life was to escape the demons from my past. And the best way to do that was drown them in alcohol and heroin.

I would go on stealing sprees, then disappear for days in drug houses. I sold drugs, stole drugs, and smuggled drugs out of Northern Mexico. When I wasn't incarcerated, I traveled a long trail of pain and misery that only chemicals would blot out for a while.

And the strange thing about that is that I didn't think I had a problem. I thought that people who didn't live as I did simply didn't know how to party and have a good time.

So when I look at the young people we try to help today I can only admire them for being smarter than I was at their age. Even though they screw up sometimes, at least they're trying to change at an early age.

That's something I never did until I was over fifty years old.

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I can See

Modern medicine is amazing.

A week ago today I was at a clinic to have a cataract removed from my left eye. As always, I approached the procedure with anxiety because let's face it: doctors scare the crap out of me. I’ve lost most of my fears in my 25 years of sobriety – but the one about doctors is still with me.

So even though others had told me how wonderful the results would be, and how painless the surgery is, I had my doubts.

But they were right. I went through four or five rooms where technicians did various vision tests. Then a nurse put drops in my left eye to "numb" any potential pain. She did that four or five times. She was right, I felt nothing as they probed my eye.

Another nurse put an IV in my left wrist. She said they would give me something "to relax" - though throughout the entire procedure I was conscious. And able to answer their questions.

Once in the operating room, they rolled me under a large machine that looked like a robot. The narrow part above my head had what looked like an eye in it.

The doctor said the machine was more accurate and precise than a human. He placed it directly over my eye and said I would feel a "slight pressure" when it came into contact with my eye. He was right - it was slight.

The procedure took only 20 minutes or so. I remember seeing a lot of strange psychedelic shapes and at the end what looked like a lot of tiny insects running around. Finally the doctor asked me if I could see a red dot. When I said yes, he said to tell him when I could no longer see it. And that was it.

They taped a metal plate over my eye and sent me home. They told me to take it off the next morning and that I wouldn't need anything other than reading glasses for that eye. While I was skeptical, they were right.

The next morning I was excited about removing the covering. Since then I've had to put prescription drops in my eye each day. But I only need reading glasses for things close up.

And now I'm scheduled to do the other eye in the next few weeks. And this time I have no anxiety about the procedure.

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Meditation Feedback

I've been meditating for about 20 years. And earlier this year received my certification as a mindfulness instructor.

As such, I offer a mindfulness group every Saturday in my office at 11:30 a.m. And sometimes I go to an outlying house and offer a brief lecture, then a meditation session.

A few weeks ago I went to the Pride house for an evening session.

The manager, a strong supporter of anything that will help residents to recover, brought me some 3 x 5 cards yesterday. Written on them were comments from the residents about their experiences with Mindfulness meditation. I quote a few of them here to show how meditation can be beneficial. Quotes are anonymous, of course.

"After practicing mindful meditation I have found that I can think clearer, focus better, and rest more peacefully. I like to use mindful meditation in the morning and at night no I can stay clear headed."

"Mindful meditation has made my thoughts clearer. Made me realize my feelings more. Made me appreciate my blessings and living in a grateful state of being"

"When I actually tried to practice Mindful meditation it helped a little. I tend to meditate while I clean or listen to music, but when I actually took the time to be mindful it opened up a whole new look at things."

"I am more aware of myself and my surroundings. I am more at peace with myself. I sleep better, eat better, and feel better. My program and my mind, body, and spirit are healthier. I grow more and more every time I put it into action."
As you can see, Mindful meditation brings different results for those who practice. As there is no goal in meditation - other than to meditate - one cannot fail at the process.

One simple definition of Mindfulness is "Fully aware of present experience with acceptance - without judgement.

I have included links below for those who have an interest in learning more. There are also free downloads on some of these sites.

One of my favorites.

Another resource.

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What's your Story?

I heard a motivational speaker talking this morning about how we all have a story. And depending upon how tied we are to that story it can control our life.

He talked about the overweight person who says he's overweight because he has big bones. And that's why it's hard for him to lose weight.

He mentioned an addict who says he's an addict because his parents were addicts. Plus he lived in the wrong neighborhood.

I listened for a while then started thinking about my own story - the one that used to keep me getting high. My father was an alcoholic, drunk on his ass most of the time. I was abused as a child. I didn't have any stability in my life. My parents divorced when I was four and shared custody - until my father kidnapped me and my younger brother when I was about five.

The story goes on - but you get the idea.

When I began getting in trouble as a teenager I would drag this story out for social workers and teachers who couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive. I got a lot of breaks because people felt as sorry for me as I did for myself.

But eventually people got tired of my story and sent me to jails and other places.

In my early fifties I woke up one day and decided to change my story. I imagined myself as sober and successful. And that new story is what I became.

What's your story? If you don’t like it, write a new one.

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Taking Credit

At a 12-step meeting yesterday I watched a man receive his two year chip. As he introduced himself he pointed at a man sitting at the rear of the meeting room and said "I owe it all to that man sitting in the back row."

The man he pointed to is the director of a local recovery program who's been in the business for many years. While the tribute was nice, and well taken, the man was wrong.

All of us are responsible for our own recovery. Just as we were responsible for our own drinking and drug use, we are also responsible for our own changes.

No one ever held any of us down and poured alcohol down our throat. Nor did they force heroin in our arm.

We're the ones who go to the meetings. We read the Big Book. We're the ones who spend time listening to our sponsors. And other old timers in the program. We’re the ones who practice the principles.

Gratitude is wonderful and necessary. But we must also recognize our own hard work when it comes to our recovery.

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Gratitude Works

If we get out of bed in the morning and don't look forward to our day we need to change how we get up.

Since I'm a retired shoplifter, this is not an original idea. I stole it from a motivational talk I was listening to while working out the other morning. But it does work. And it goes like this.

When you first open your eyes in the morning think of three things you’re grateful for. It doesn't have to be anything big. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic.

For example, most of the people in the world - about three quarters of them - live on less than three dollars a day. The idea that I don't live in that part of the world brings me into gratitude right away.

I wear braces and have the hassle of putting them on every morning. But this is a path to gratitude. At least I have still have legs and can afford to buy braces to support them.

There are a myriad of things we can be grateful for. Our relationships. Our jobs. Our homes. Our freedom.

If we look at the world in this positive way when we first awaken it does something to our chemistry. And it brings our ego into check.  Our day goes more smoothly.

If we look for the blessings in life we'll find more of them. And if we look for the negative, we'll find that also.

Try it.

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Family Rejection

Addicts are sometimes dismayed when the world doesn't welcome them back with open arms once they get sober. And maybe have a parade or at least a party..

I recently heard of a mother and grandmother who is quite unhappy because her children want little to do with her. And she's been sober for nearly a year now.

When she sees her family in social situations they barely speak to her. Some ignore her completely.

Those in the program, who support her recovery, have told her that things will change in time. And I  believe they will.

I remember 26 years ago when I first got sober I thought it was a pretty big deal. And it was – for me.

But my grandparents and other relatives were not nearly as impressed. They had seen me for years go in and out of sobriety. They knew of my trips to jails and hospitals. As far as they were concerned it was just a matter of time before I'd be back at the bar or the dope house.

I think they were more surprised when they saw me stay sober two, then three, then four years.

And by the time I was sober for five years they all had pretty much accepted me back into their lives. Even though I've never stolen from my family I'm sure they were embarrassed to even be related to me. I think they were afraid that I would contaminate younger family members.

But after I had five years clean I was welcome to go anywhere. Everyone I knew began to trust my recovery.

If people don’t believe in my sobriety I understand and accept. I have a lot more things to do with my life than to occupy my head space about it. Whatever their opinion of me, I can respect it.

Because I’m living in the moment.

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