Anger Management

I had a chance to practice anger management yesterday - one of the few times I’ve had to use that part of my recovery education in a real life situation.  And the interesting thing is that l’d done nothing at all to inspire the other person’s anger.

The incident happened when I was filling my vehicle at a local Circle K gas pump in Mesa.  Just as I was fastening my seat belt after getting back into my Polaris Slingshot I noticed a vehicle that had pulled parallel to me on the passenger side of my vehicle when the driver blew her horn.

Thinking the driver wanted to speak to me, or ask a question, I waited until she lowered her window and asked if I could help her.

“Yeah,” she screamed out the window.  “You can get the f... out of my way, I’m almost out of gas.”

My daughter, an army veteran who can deadlift 250 pounds and who’s a veteran of over 30 street fights and has military combat training calmly replied that we would take as much time as we needed.  That when we were done we would leave, which we were starting to do when she arrived. 

Our calm replies seemed to enrage her even more and she began screaming racial slurs about white people.   

When I suggested she calm down, she became even angrier and louder and we both realized that trying to talk to her was fruitless.

The interesting part to me was that I was able to remain completely calm and unruffled. I attribute that to over 30 years of recovery, 10 years of daily meditation and all the sessions I spent counseling other recovering addicts and alcoholics.

And as I drove away I even found myself having some compassion for a person who was so frustrated that they had to scream at people in a public place over what they perceived to be a serious problem.

Recovery can help improve your life in more ways than you know.

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Thinking of Mom

My mother, who passed away over 24 years ago on Christmas Eve, was a great influence on my life. She had a calm demeanor and seldom got angry. 

She was hard working, very focussed, and sorely disappointed because I - her first-born - turned out to be a criminal and drug addict.  

While she didn't like my lifestyle, she never stopped being loving and kind.  When I was a teenager she sent me and my brother to private high schools and worked in an electronics plant to pay our tuition.

My brother graduated and went into the Air Force.  While I not only didn't graduate, I was led out of the school in handcuffs for burglarizing doctors offices. I spent nearly two years in a juvenile prison in California and when I was released I pursued a career as a drug dealer, thief and smuggler.

While my mom never knew exactly what I did, she knew I was up to no good.  After all, who gets released from jail and within a few months has a pocket full of money, a nice wardrobe, and a new sports car?

But she was never angry at me for my choices.  Of course she'd admonish me to do well and reminded me that my trips to jail were my own doing.  But she was smart enough to know that getting angry or chastising me would do little good.

Once her husband died in 1993 she moved here to Mesa so she'd be close to me.  By the time she moved here I'd been sober a few years, something she was quite pleased about.  By the time she died in 1994 I had over three years clean.  

Even though I got sober to save my own life, I know that she was so happy that I made that choice.

Happy Mother's Day....

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Discriminating Against Substance Abusers.

For some reason it seems like our local government is frequently at odds with the entrepreneurs who operate recovery homes for substance abusers in recovery.  It's happened before and it appears to be coming back to life.

For example, in 1998 the City of Mesa passed ordinances that would clamp down on halfway houses.  Since we had several locations downtown we were right at the center of the target.

One ordinance was that before one could open a halfway house they would have to appear for a public hearing at city hall to obtain approval, a process that involved public input,  Of course we all know how those kinds of hearings turn out.  No wants recovering people in their neighborhood.  I've been at those hearings and I saw one woman break down and cry hystercally at the possibility that a house might be occupied by a group of substance abusers.

The second ordinance was to not allow halfway houses to be located in the so-called "Downtown Overlay," an area covering Country Club to Mesa Drive and University to Broadway.  Halfway Houses were perceived as bad for business.

The third ordinance was to require halfway houses to be located 1200 feet apart.- something I never did understand.

In any case TLC wasn't about to go anywhere.  So we filed a lawsuit in 1998 and went into Federal Court and obtained an injunction against the City of Mesa to prevent them from acting on the ordinances until they worked their way through the courts. Five years later, we negotiated a settlement in Federal Court that left the distance requirment standing and awarded us $40,000 of our legal costs.

I don't have a good feeling about the prospect of a new lawsuit.  But I believe another one is on the horizon.  And of course TLC will be in the fight because we've been helping addicts and alcoholics change their lives for 30 years.

And we're going to continue to fight those who don't care whether we get sober or not.

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On the Inside

This weekend I was cleaning out my closet when I began reflecting about my first days in sobriety 30 years ago.

When I first got into recovery in January of 91 all I had was the clothes on my back.  Literally. 

It took me several months to build anything resembling a wardrobe.  Because I had a lot of entry-level jobs I would get clothing from the halfway house donation room.  Or else take a few dollars and search the local second hand stores - because that was all I could afford.

Since I didn't have a lot of spare money for entertainment, I'd spend hours searching the second hand racks to find something that I could afford that also would fit.  Today I found in the back of my closet a sport coat that I paid ten dollars for in 1991.  It must be 30 or 40 years old today and it's still in good shape and fits me well.

But back to cleaning my closet.  I must have gotten rid of 20 items, things I hadn't worn for five or six months.

I was inspired to do this a while back while I was reading about some very wealthy people who always wear the same clothes.  And I think that's the way to live. After all who's going to like us better just because we wear expensive clothes with designer labels?  Mark Zukerberg is always in tee shirts and levis.  Barack Obama reportedly wore the same clothes.  So did Steve Jobs.  And these were or are some of the wealthiest and most influential people in the world.

I guess the point of all this is that it's not what we wear that makes us who we are.  What impresses others is who we are on the inside; it's the generosity, compassion and kindness we show others.

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Making a Decision

30 years ago I was living a hopeless life.  I had no job.  No friends.  My family didn't want me around. If I wanted to eat I'd steal from a market or go to a soup kitchen.  If I needed to go somewhere I'd steal a car or bicycle.

Life only had meaning if I had enough alcohol or drugs in me.  And it seemed like I could never get enough of either,

But one dayI made a decision.  I woke from a nap in a park on a picnic bench.  I remember reflecting on my life of constantly chasing drugs and alcohol.  Of taking from others.  Of drifting aimlessly until I could find something to steal so I could get drunk and high again.

Then out of nowhere I had a thought: "I'm tired of this shit, of living like a bum, of going nowwhere,"

I kept reflecting on my choices: prison, mental hospital, cemetery and none of them were very appealing,

I'll get sober I told myself.

So I found a detox that would take me without money in Mesa, Arizona.  They kept me for 11 days and then found a halfway house that would take me without money.  And that's where it began a little over 30 years ago.

If you're in a situation like I was do what I did.  If it worked for me it'll work for anyone.  Life is a beautiful thing and we only have one of them.

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Once an Addict...

 We learn in the 12-Step programs that once we're an addict we're always an addict.  Does that mean we're always relapsing or drinking and drugging?  Of course not.  

But to me it means that deep down I still sometimes have that anger, anxiety, insecurity and othet personality defects that made me want to use in the first place.  Only by living by the guidelines of the 12-step programs do I recognize when I'm about to go off track.  We just think different.

I started thinking about how different we alcoholics are last night while at a Japanese restaurant.  The guests at the next table had paid their bill and left.  But I noticed that they had left behind some half full glasses of wine, along the bottle they were poured from - also half full.  

As the busboy cleared the table I thought "what a waste of good booze."  That's something that I would never have done, left behind good alcohol.  And the reality is that I've been sober over 30 years.

Yet even with 30 years sober I still notice things like.  Things that normal people never pay attention to.  I also know that if I follow the precepts of the 12 step programs I know I'll never relapse and return to the hell I once lived in.

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Finding Gratitude

About 6:00 a.m. I was sweating on my indoor bicycle, something I do nearly every morning as part of my morning routine.  And if it's not the bicycle, it's the treadmill, rowing machine, ellipitical machine. Bowflex weights, or one of the many other pieces of equipment that populate my living room.  I'm fortunate enough to have the resources and the space to have a home gym, one that would compete wth some hotel gyms - which seem to be offered to guests as a sort of afterthought.

But, I'm going off in the weeds here.  While I was riding, I received a phone call from a friend who's serving an eight year prison term in Maryland.  As do most prisoners, he claims he was innocent of the robbery.  That he was just giving his son a ride to a market when the son came running out and jumped in his car after robbing the store at gunpoint.

To make a long story short he's now into the third year of his sentence and going back to court on an appeal because he was only the driver and didn't take part in the actual robbery.  He told me the sad story of contracting Covid when it swept through the prison, of the terrible conditions there, of the poor treatment, food, and living conditions - the kind of thngs we all complained about while in jail.

After he hung up I had a feeling of gratitude wash over me.  Because I no longer use drugs or alcohol it's not too likely that I'll never be locked up again.  Once I got sober I was able to take responsibilty for my behavior.

When life is imperfect - as it often is - it's not to difficult to look aroumd and find someone whose life is really a mess.  And from that will come gratitude.

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